Long distance relatioships

snoopy38 · 12-04-2011, 08:48 PM

I am 25yrs old woman who is quite independent throughout my life for my studies and everything. I was a bright student and more interested to shine in biology research. I had liking for a guy before 3yrs who is distant friend of mine. We did spend time to know each other before wedding. He seemed a very nice humble guy and we both liked each other. He was very lovable and broad minded who is supportive by all means including my career. We liked each other and agreed for the wedding. Suddenly he had to transfer to abroad for onsite project for an year from his company. we postponed our wedding also for various reasons. We kept talking to each other over phone. We got intimated slowly and involved a lot into the relationship. After six months suddenly he reacted indifferent in our relationship when I asked him, he replied that just not to involve too much it might affect my career also and I am getting emotionally attached and going crazy at times. I agreed to his point so we tried to remain in the level not to involve ourselves too much. Still I loved him more but he showed me no sign at all from his side. Slowly I felt he was moving away from me. I was depressed a little and still crazy about him. After an year his project got extended for another year. So I decided to focus on my career and surprisingly got an opportunity to start my career in abroad somewhat close to his location. I decided to take this opportunity and he too had no objection. I did not want to lose this great opportunity and came abroad to pursue my research. It was 500kms away from his place though. I used to contact him often and talk over phone and still I liked him more than before. Slowly he started finding fault in me and kind of scolding me for whatever I do. He was not showing the same interest unlike the earlier days. It was hurting me a lot. But I could not hate or forget him rather I loved him more and more crazily. After few months, he went back to my country meanwhile, I convinced him and we both decided to get married. Unfortunately he was unable to turn back due to visa issues. I came back alone soon after my wedding. After the wedding, he is not happy with our long distance relationship. He never showed me even a single piece of love and always having some cold war between us until now. I love him more than anything in this world but when I feel he never cares about me I feel depressed a lot. This issue is happening for the past 3 years till now. He don't care for me for whatever. I am always getting hurt when I tried to explain my love towards him. He could not travel back abroad and still staying in our home country trying to get his Visa. It has been more than 6 months we got married but living separately several miles apart. These days I am not able to concentrate in my career as well when thinking about my personal life. Please give me suggestions to solve my probs.

EleGirl · 12-04-2011, 10:01 PM

Snoopy,

Long distance relationships seldom work. It takes being around each other for real love to grow. If he is not around you, you cannot meet his emotional needs. His love cannot grow without that. The same goes for you.

I would venture to say that you actually know very little about this man. You have hardly spent any time with him. Instead you seem to be inlove with the idea of being in love.

I am very sorry to say that there is little chance your marriage surviving your separation.

snoopy38 · 12-04-2011, 11:37 PM

You are right. I am in a complete confusion of what to do next. I would appreciate for a good suggestion considering both career and personal life in mind.

Thanks

EleGirl · 12-05-2011, 12:03 AM

Perhaps you should concentrait on your career. It is something that you love.

As for your marriage, perhaps offer him a way out of the marriage. Telling him that while you love him you understand that there are difficulties with the great amount of time the two of you have been separated. That if he does not want to be married he would just let you know. See how he responds.

It sounds like you are a bright and intelligent woman. You do not have to settle for a man who does not love you and how does not show you affection.

snoopy38 · 12-05-2011, 07:58 AM

I have tried this already but he does not want to break up for sure. He shows all his frustration of being away and not considering my feelings.

LonelyNLost · 12-05-2011, 09:38 AM

Have you tried just pulling back and not contacting him and seeing how he responds? He doesn't seem vested in the relationship at all, and therefore it is completely one sided. He can take advantage of you and treat you poorly and you are still there at his beck and call. As a wife, this seems like the right thing for you to do, but it's actually causing him to lose respect for you. Stand up for yourself and refuse to be treated this way. You say he doesn't want to break up, but his actions show otherwise. Change the way you would normally respond.

As for long distance relationships, they don't work unless you are both on the same page. Even more openness and honesty is needed than in a "normal" relationship because the foundation of this is communication. While it could seem a curse to be separated by distance, it actually gives you a chance to grow a foundation that is solid and learn more about each other than would be possible in person. But if one or both of you are playing games or taking advantage of the other and not on even ground, then this can't happen. He really doesn't seem that into this relationship and you are settling for that.

snoopy38 · 12-06-2011, 12:43 PM

He would damn care even I turn back or nagging behind and tried almost everything. Well he is honest, just don't like me for some reasons. I expect the true love and care from him. He too liked me before wedding but then he stopped loving me and reason he says because I have changed a lot. I know that I am still the same and just need to change his mind about me and bring back his love for me. I am sick of his attitude towards me these days but still I love him more and no clues what I should do get him back completely.