Trying2figureitout

Thanks,

Of course you are only getting one side. But I'm trying to be as honest and transparent as possible. I made mistakes over two years ago... I drank too much(not an alcoholic by any means as I quit that night cold turkey), I yelled at my two boys when they screwed up, I was probably not attentive enough, appeared at times self-centered etc. BUT I was and still am a dedicated loving husband.

I listened to EVERYTHING she has ever said and ACTED on it. So much so she has said you are great, thanks..." its all me nothing more you can do."

The "worst" I've done over the past two years is to "remind" her of our situation on average every few months.

Trust me its her... I've done everything I can think of.

Thanks for your concern.

Trying2figureitout

Not that I'm aware of... she is pretty upbeat and very social with everyone. Not usually signs of depression IMO. Thanks for asking though.

If its anything other than past emotional trauma (involving me or her past)... the only other things physically are she is likely Peri-menopausal as evidenced by kicking off covers when I'm covered (I'm the warm one) Her mom mentioned when she was my wifes age she had to get on the right hormone until she could even stand her husband in the same room. My wife seems to refuse to see doctors. She is overdue by at least a couple months for a physical etc. My wife disowned her own sister as did her mom and dad and she fought with her violently when growing up (some allegations of sexual abuse from my wifes father allegations coming from the older sister.. not sure if they are real allegations...she is dead now died at 35) My wife is very fond of her parents so i'm not sure what went on there... but where there is smoke there certainly can be fire. I just don't know.

She also likes sleep... typically in bed by 8pm (Gets up at 4am)

Trying2figureitout

Fantastic morning update..

She and I had a great text exchange... seems like we hashed many basic things out. Feels really good...she stated it reaching out to me and thanking me for lots of stuff I do for her!

I told her life is too short, she needs to think new loving and sexy thoughts about me and leave the old thoughts behind... she agreed

So I'm very happy seems like she had a revelation of sorts! Finally.

Maybe I will get lots of good sex soon??

Must have been my e-mail to her last night... pretty much laid a bunch of stuff out for her to think about in terms of Sex, Love and marriage and the time its been since her disconnect. Also that she probably need counseling to get over past hurt....

Must have worked! That was fast. Thanks ladies... my wife thanks you indirectly for all the great advice! TAM is great.

Zzyzx

I can't tell you how many times my ex had those moments of lucidity that had me thinking "she finally gets it, hallelujah!!!" Only to be disappointed within days. Sometimes within hours.

There is something in her that is refusing to accommodate you; while she likes your company she is somehow repelled by the thought of sharing her body with you. Well yes she is right, it's her problem, not yours. You cannot control her thoughts, you can only control yourself. You need to let her know you feel disrespected, you've taken all kinds of actions to improve yourself, but you've had nothing but words from her for two years now. Time to stop paying attention to them. She needs to know words don't do it for you, only actions will and you are judging her by her actions or lack of. Further, tell her that her lack of action is a gong in your ear drowning out her words.

Your unwillingness to consider divorce is not helping you; it's telling her she'll always have a get-out-of-jail-free card. Remember she will continue these moments of lucidity that will fool you, but they mean NOTHING without your sausage in her sandwich on some regular basis. You are being played... If the sex and the emotional connection to your wife that you get through it is truly important to you, perhaps it's time to consider a walk ... out the door.

__________________
If you don't know me by now
You will never never never know me

tacoma

Staying in a marriage with a woman who has no love for you is giving up your integrity...and self respect ..and chance at love,, happiness,, mutual intimacy...and..etc...

Leaving is what keeps your integrity intact.

ryansdad

I certainly admire the patience and length of time you have been able to stick this out. I also believe that you should do everything to work a marriage out. But, I have no interest in being a martyr. If my wife and I only had sex an average of once a month during the best of times, and I still did everything in my power to meet her needs and she just couldn't let the past go and show me the same courtesy of addressing my needs of physical touch and having sex 3-5x a week to feel connected with her, then I would tell her I love you but my needs are not being met. Here are your 3 choices: 1.My needs will be addressed starting today. 2.You allow me to get my needs met outside the marriage. Or 3.We are getting a divorce. Your needs are equally as important as hers and it is her duty as your wife to fulfill those needs.
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Trying2figureitout

I have considered divorce...it's on the table. She knows that. I do like the "disrespected" advice I will use that in the future with regards to action vs words if this continues...thanks! Believe me walking is certainly on the table if things don't improve. I am however willing to give her more time. I believe in wedding vows.

Trying2figureitout

Thanks agree

Trying2figureitout

Agree it may come to the point of walking out...I won't cheat. My wife is on borrowed time right now. I believe she is aware of that. We'll see the above text exchange is definitely atypical of her. Something got her to reach out... she never does that typically. I believe she is changing... so guess we'll see what happens this month. My goal is 1x per week based on our work life. That would be huge for me.

Dadof3

Precisely!

AMEN!

ryansdad

My wife and I have been married 12 years, together 15, and thankfully we both do try and meet in the middle taking care of each others emotional and physical needs. My dad was married to my mom for 27 years when he finally left her for basically things similar to your story, as well as her being a hypochondriac. She has m.s and instead of being thankful that she can still walk after having m.s for 23years, to her no one on earth has it worse. She also would ask my dad whats for dinner every night after he got home from working 15hrs a day so he could pay her medical bills and he always came home to a dirty house. But not 1 person in his or her family blamed him. And that was his biggest fear. He is a deacon/associate pastor at his church and he stayed miserable in a marriage for 10 years because he too thought it would tarnish his integrity. That being said, every person at his church and family said we were surprised you stayed that long. He is now happily married and has a partner who fulfills all of his needs. You deserve no less.

Darkhorse

Well, I believe in it too, but your wife doesn't...at least she doesn't care about her vows which didn't insinuate she gets to call all the shots about sex.

And if you believed in "for better or worse" then why post here about what her text meant? That's your worse or part of it. Nothing to question. Just accept. For your integrity, of course. You better protect your integrity because your wife sure doesn't care about it.

After TWO YEARS you can bet she knows if she'll fall in love with you again. What happened that caused her to fall out? Did you cheat? because if not, then 2 years is way too long.

Zzyzx

Just remember it's December, we've been following you awhile here on this board. You've been willing to give her more time since the beginning of time (to a man looking at a sexual desert, well it just feels that way). When does that stop?

I agree with the sentiment expressed by tacoma and dadof3, walking out for me was about getting back my integrity as a man. Or to put it bluntly: I got my balls back.

__________________
If you don't know me by now
You will never never never know me

Darkhorse

You keep talking about wedding vows. While I admire your commitment to them, as I also value my vows, I don't understand why you can't see that your wife doesn't care about the vows. Love, honor, respect...those words were in my vows...don't know about yours, but...she has broken a lot of the "vows" that you hold tightly to. She knows you have this thing about vows, so she's not too quick to change. Why should she? For better or worse...how bad can it get?

I am happy that you see this as her reaching out (the text) but I don't think it is. Although, you know her and I do not.

myelw316

How I would interpret it: (I am a 41 year old wife who has felt that way about my sex drive/interest sometimes)
I would say she knows she HAS felt that way with you
She knows it will come back
She knows libido isn't the problem (so she may know what is...my GUESS...what is was for me was 2 things: romance...leading to nowhere. I didn't like feeling like my husband didn't just want to kiss ...there was ALWAYS an end in mind and it was lets get to the good stuff. Makes a wife feel like, well, like anyone could fill the bill. Also my husband would often stay on the computer or phone or psp and I felt ignored and was resentful.)
SO......what are you doing that she could feel resentful of?
And could you just tell her you want to kiss and hold her. Just a thought. Even if you do that already, a wife can feel an agenda.
Definitely not hopeless at all.
Also, is she on an antidepressant? Those can ELIMINATE a sex drive. So can hormone problems