Does your husband *not* care about your weight? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 04:51 PM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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Maybe low maintenance was the wrong term? I was just trying to describe men who do not need a wife to weigh a specific weight for them to feel attracted.

You have a good guy there, Mrs. Holland.

You know, no matter where I have been weight-wise over the last nearly 24 years, it has never turned me off to sex. I feel loved no matter what. I wonder if that is part of why my sex drive was never affected.
I feel loved by MrH and much of this comes from him not being judgemental, that I why I believe if I put on some weight he would still love and desire me. This man has held my hair while I vomited, takes care of me when I am sick, nothing is too much to ask of him, he is kind and engaged with my children, he goes above and beyond to see me happy and smiling. He forgives me when we fight, he puts up with my idiotic behaviour.

The issue would be with me, I thrive on feeling and looking sexy, it is important to me. I am a tad f.ed up by my first marriage and spent many hours wondering why my ex was not all over me, I am attractive and kept myself well. I still at times let the past hold me back. But MrH has opened my eyes to many things. He calls me beautiful and sexy everyday, with meaning. I feel more beautiful today than I did in my 30's and that is mostly due to him. He does not judge me, I have however spent a life time judging myself.

Maybe that is why your drive has never been affected, it sounds like MrJLD is also a non judgemental man.

And yes MrH is a good guy, it sounds like you have one too

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post #32 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 04:55 PM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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I had the same problem after being married to my sexless-wonder of an XH for 28 years. My weight has never varied more than +/- 10lbs for my entire adult life. However that man could “smell” 5 extra pounds on me and would comment on it. Add that to the 25 years of sexless-ness and other criticisms and I had been brain-washed into thinking that I must be “gross” … you know, fat with warts and a hunchback that I couldn’t see in the mirror.

For the record, I am currently 5’9”/155lb/US size 10 with boobs and an hourglass figure. I get more male attention than I want or can handle, who knew?
OMG hello twin sister. Although I am the short arse one at 5'3"

It is like an amazing revelation when you awake from this type of existence. I was sure I was a hideous ogre but as it turns out I'm not.
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post #33 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 05:01 PM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

My weight hasn't varied much over the years, been an athlete most of my life. I don't think Mr Giro would be as attracted to me with more than twenty extra pounds. I think he likes an athletic build. Mr Giro can go up and down a little bit depending on how busy he is at work. I always love him, the way he treats me is what makes me love him. However, I've never seen him with an extra 100 lbs.... I hope nothing would change because he'd still be him, just heavier.

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post #34 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 05:13 PM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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That must be disillusioning, to hear his words, but not see his actions match them. I think just letting him go, if it were to come to that, would be the wisest course of action. It respects each person.
Fear is a strong motivating factor for him. I think he sees and treasures the strengths I bring to the relationship. He doesn't want to give those up so he tries to convince himself that weight gain isn't an issue.

At the end of the day, perfect partners do not exist. My attitude is accept me in my entirety, warts and all, or not at all. But if a thinner woman is what he needs, then I hope it's worth giving up all of the other things I bring to the table.

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post #35 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 07:49 PM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

It's the habits and behaviors that would impact attraction for both of us... not solely the number on the scale or extra bit of weight.

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post #36 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 05:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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Fear is a strong motivating factor for him. I think he sees and treasures the strengths I bring to the relationship. He doesn't want to give those up so he tries to convince himself that weight gain isn't an issue.

At the end of the day, perfect partners do not exist. My attitude is accept me in my entirety, warts and all, or not at all. But if a thinner woman is what he needs, then I hope it's worth giving up all of the other things I bring to the table.

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I love your strength of spirit, Lila! Another very good post.

Do you think it would ultimately have to be you leaving, if you felt the above were true, that he were not truly accepting and genuinely attracted to you?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #37 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 05:54 AM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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I love your strength of spirit, Lila! Another very good post.

Do you think it would ultimately have to be you leaving, if you felt the above were true, that he were not truly accepting and genuinely attracted to you?
Yes, it would be me leaving in the above scenario with one exception. If there were other issues in the marriage in addition to the physical attraction ones.

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post #38 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 06:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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Yes, it would be me leaving in the above scenario with one exception. If there were other issues in the marriage in addition to the physical attraction ones.

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Iow, you are willing to live with his (possible) lack of genuine unconditional attraction and his (possible) lack of transparency regarding it?

Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh. Just trying to clarify.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #39 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 07:36 AM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

Also a guy (sorry JLD!) but I wanted to chime in and fully agree with AffairCare's post.

I'm one of those guys who is sexually attracted to the person, I guess, as opposed to the physical body. But at the same time, I have no real issue with those men (OR women) who have a type.

To echo AffairCare's post, more or less, all men (and women) have their own hierarchy of what attracts them to a partner. Where the physical falls on that hierarchy will vary from person to person. I guess the trick is finding out where these things rank with your partner, so as to know whether it may or may not be an issue later on down the road.

Both women I've married each lost significant weight while I've been with them (one from 155 to 95lbs, one from ~200 to 145 ) I can honestly say I was no more or less attracted to either of them, so it's clear that physical (or more accurately, weight) means little to me.
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post #40 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 07:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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Also a guy (sorry JLD!) but I wanted to chime in and fully agree with AffairCare's post.

I'm one of those guys who is sexually attracted to the person, I guess, as opposed to the physical body. But at the same time, I have no real issue with those men (OR women) who have a type.

To echo AffairCare's post, more or less, all men (and women) have their own hierarchy of what attracts them to a partner. Where the physical falls on that hierarchy will vary from person to person. I guess the trick is finding out where these things rank with your partner, so as to know whether it may or may not be an issue later on down the road.

Both women I've married each lost significant weight while I've been with them (one from 155 to 95lbs, one from ~200 to 145 ) I can honestly say I was no more or less attracted to either of them, so it's clear that physical (or more accurately, weight) means little to me.
Hi, Alex. I started a thread in Men's for men who would like to share their thoughts on this subject. This thread is specifically aimed towards the ladies. Thanks for understanding.


One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #41 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 07:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

Just to refocus on part of the original question that has not had many responses . . .

Is anyone here married to a man whose attraction is not affected by your weight, but you wish it were? If so, why?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #42 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:07 AM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

I can't participate in this one because my husband cares. Now ask me if I care that he cares. That's another topic.

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post #43 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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I can't participate in this one because my husband cares. Now ask me if I care that he cares. That's another topic.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #44 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 09:51 AM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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Iow, you are willing to live with his (possible) lack of genuine unconditional attraction and his (possible) lack of transparency regarding it?

Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh. Just trying to clarify.
I don't believe in unconditional attraction, especially when it comes to men, so yes, I'm willing to live with that.

I think everyone has their limits on what they are willing and not willing to accept. H is no different.

I think his problem is that he won't communicate honestly with me because he doesn't want to deal with the consequences of brutal honesty, primarily hurting my feelings especially since he knows I'm doing all that I feel like doing, with regards to exercise and diet, at this point in my life.

The ironic thing is that I'm more confident in my heavier body today than I was in my skinnier body 20 years ago. And I'll tell you from experience, confidence is an aphrodisiac to many men. If my husband doesn't or can't appreciate me for who I am today, I guarantee there are others out there who will.

As far as living without transparency, I have learned to judge his actions not his words, or lack thereof. It's the warts that make up who he is.

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post #45 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 10:08 AM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

I think 'most' men aren't really that effected by weight gain of their spouse. I think men, in general, see the person they married and their attraction is based on that person showing up. If that person happens to have more meat on her hips, less definition between waist line and bust line, they don't really see it.

What I think men react to is how their spouse carries herself when she has gained weight. If a woman feels unattractive she wears clothing that hides her body, both inside the home and outside. A woman who feels negatively about herself is less flirty, less open to acting in a sexually alluring way, and even has a lower sex drive in general. Her confidence is gone and there is nothing sexier than a confident person.


This is what I hang my hat on when I am discouraged about weight gain or signs of aging. My husband has never said anything about weight gain, nor about weight loss. He has only ever responded to my confidence level. If I'm feeling confident he is attracted and he keeps his distance when I'm feeling neurotic about my appearance.

So, @jld while my husband has never said he is affected by weight gain, (and he has never said he is affected by an appropriate weight ) it is clear to me that he is affected by my confidence vs neurotic body image.


My husband started gaining weight a soon as we got married. In the beginning it bothered me because the fine characteristics of his face that I found irresistible were disappearing with the puffiness. His belly didn't bother me, I missed his face. But as the years wore on and he continued to expand I gave up but for the most part I never really saw his belly and forgot to look for the face that initially attracted me. His smile, the smile I thought so engaging and so perfect, was a thing of the past. Unless I looked at old pictures, I completely forgot that he used to have a smile that I thought so wonderful. We've had MANY conversations about his weight gain and they started out, back in our early days, very gentle. I would tell him how I missed his face, missed his smile and didn't like how the puffiness obscured his face. Now I just ask him to make sure his life insurance is up to date and all our financials are put together because when I am a widow I will need to be able to mourn his loss without the anxiety of trying to figure out where our money is and how to access it. Both of our fathers died in their early 60's from heart attacks. My husband is 58. Our time is limited without substantial weight loss on his part. He has worked so hard to ensure our comfortable retirement and it is not likely to include him. That is tragic.

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