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post #46 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 10:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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our time is limited without substantial weight loss on his part. He has worked so hard to ensure our comfortable retirement and it is not likely to include him. That is tragic.



One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #47 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:41 PM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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Don't you think that to him, you *are* physically attractive, Affaircare? It is not like there is just one definition of that, right?
@jld,

This is a great question! I think for some people, attraction starts physically and then spreads into all the other aspects of who the spouse is. For my own Dear Hubby, I completely agree that from what I can tell, he is physically attracted to me. I observe this based on how he acts and how he looks at me! So his definition of physically attractive includes what I got!

However I don't think his definition of an "attractive" person starts with their looks, if that makes sense. Honestly I think he's attracted to my mind, sense of humor, and generally easy-going personality....and because all that is so much the way he likes, he also finds the exterior "within acceptable perimeters"

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post #48 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 06:10 PM
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Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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Just to refocus on part of the original question that has not had many responses . . .

Is anyone here married to a man whose attraction is not affected by your weight, but you wish it were? If so, why?


Ok yeah I guess I sort of missed that. Yes I do believe my H's attraction is not affected by my weight. (It could be, but I won't be gaining anymore weight!)

My attraction is effected by MY weight. If I feel fat or out of shape I don't feel sexy. Therefore I'm less inclined to act sexy or to be the initiator of sex.
So in the long run, even if he is still attracted to me with extra weight, it effects him.

I don't know if I really wish he were different in this area. I think I would want him to be more direct, less afraid to upset me by being honest. Then I would believe him when he acts super attracted to my body and not be tempted to write it off as him 'just being horny' and wanting some.

That being said, I do have self esteem issues and have always found something wrong with my body even when I was 'perfect'.
I imagine he is afraid to trigger my insecurities by saying anything.
But in the end it's what I believe about myself that really matters because he seems very happy with me, from when I was too thin to now, being more curvy and having a belly.

I think you also asked earlier @jld how it made me feel to consider that he may prefer me bigger.
I actually think it's not a body type for H, just whatever body *I* happen to be in, that he loves.
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post #49 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 07:57 AM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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post #50 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 08:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

Wow, very nice, heartfelt post, jasmine.

It is pretty clear your body is not ugly to your husband. We women are so hard on ourselves.

I love how he waited to have sex with you until you were ready. He just enjoyed spending time with you. That is how it should be.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #51 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 09:33 AM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

I think everyone is affected by weight, it's just that some have a much wider range of acceptable than others.

Taking an extreme example, I think most would find 700 pounds unattractive. But many people are fine with a particular +/- range.

And even the range could vary based on other factors, like how you carry it, why it's there (ie did you get sick or just laze on the couch all day) and how much they like you.

I know I don't carry extra weight well because I'm short and my face tends to blow up first, but I know people who can carry an extra 20 pounds and still look pretty good.
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post #52 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 09:50 AM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

A couple of quick thoughts...not in any particular order.

In my marriage, I believe my H is much more affected by my mood rather than physical appearance. I suffer from depression/anxiety (diagnosed and under treatment) and when I am at a low point I feel his attraction wane. I don't blame him, fwiw.

My H is the one who struggles with weight more so than I do. I have a faster metabolism than he does. He has gone up and down 60-75lbs during the course of our marriage and it's a struggle for him to maintain his weight where he wants it. His whole family is like that. So, I think he feels like he wouldn't dare speak a word to me about what I weigh knowing his own struggle and the (unfortunate) shame it brings him. I think the way he feels about himself impacts his drive more than how he feels about my physical appearance. I tend to go up and down around 15lbs which keeps me in the same clothing sizes, I just feel blah when I am heavier and have that bit of extra fluff.

Health is big for both of us, and I tend to feel that people who overly emphasize physical appearance are a bit shallow. We have watched people close to us lose their independence, health and ability via various health problems. I am having some serious health problems at the moment myself. When you see that, you tend to focus on just loving that you have a body that can still walk, think, breathe! Who cares what it looks like! When I meet or read about someone who is very picky about appearance I think they probably haven't had to witness the struggles of someone who is disabled or fighting for their life.

My husband has health problems that are affected by his weight. My struggle is helping him keep his weight down so he can have relief from the symptoms. I do not like making him feel shameful about himself so I struggle with this, honestly. I love him and want him to feel loved, not judged. I haven't figured out how to deliver the message of care and concern without it sounding like I am judging him.
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post #53 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 09:54 AM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

My husband cares about my weight. In a healthy degree. Right now I am 10ish lbs heavier than I usually am. He doesn't care, he hasn't lost attraction for me. I think it will require me to be very heavy for it to affect his desire.
I think it's also my actions/lifestyle that he likes or doesn't. He likes me to be productive. He doesn't like a lazy, laying on the couch in my pjs eating chips vision lol.

Also about weight.... some women can look great with some weight. Some women when they gain weight it distribute evenly and nicely and it doesn't look bad. I have the body type that I need to be skinny. If I gain weight it goes right to my face and my hips and it looks gross. Like very pear shape. So for me, I just look better thinner. Some women look amazing with weight. I do not.
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post #54 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 09:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

I started this thread because I have read several times on here that men lose attraction when their wife gains weight. Yet my husband has never seemed to care what I weighed. Wherever I have been on that 45 pound continuum, whether 118 or 165, or anywhere in between, has always seemed fine with him, at least from an attraction standpoint.

I read on the companion thread in Men's that he loves my shape, and that it does not vary with my weight. So it makes sense that his attraction has never wavered, since my shape, whether bigger or smaller, has not, either.

Weight can be a sensitive issue with women. It may be with men, too, not sure. But most women I know do not easily divulge their weight, and do not find jokes about weight funny. It can be a real source of insecurity. And if some men lose attraction because of a wife's weight gain, it is understandable why women might feel insecure about it.

I think it is important to embrace wherever we are on the scale or BMI chart and love ourselves, love our bodies. It might be the last liberation for some, whether from a husband's expectations or a society's.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #55 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 11:23 AM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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I started this thread because I have read several times on here that men lose attraction when their wife gains weight. Yet my husband has never seemed to care what I weighed. Wherever I have been on that 45 pound continuum, whether 118 or 165, or anywhere in between, has always seemed fine with him, at least from an attraction standpoint.

I read on the companion thread in Men's that he loves my shape, and that it does not vary with my weight. So it makes sense that his attraction has never wavered, since my shape, whether bigger or smaller, has not, either.

Weight can be a sensitive issue with women. It may be with men, too, not sure. But most women I know do not easily divulge their weight, and do not find jokes about weight funny. It can be a real source of insecurity. And if some men lose attraction because of a wife's weight gain, it is understandable why women might feel insecure about it.

I think it is important to embrace wherever we are on the scale or BMI chart and love ourselves, love our bodies. It might be the last liberation for some, whether from a husband's expectations or a society's.
I think that "weight" is often used as a catch all term, a misnomer if you will, where "appearance" would be more appropriate. Those two are often tied closely together, but are really two different things. If a person puts on weight where it is distributed evenly across their body where their overall appearance, or as Dug put it, their "shape" doesn't change much, then weight has little impact. However, if the same amount of weight targets a specific area such as the belly, then you end up with a very different overall appearance.


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post #56 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 02:41 PM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

I'm of an "average" weight and, according to what people tell me, a slender-to-average build. I don't know my weight at present, nor can I say with certainty whether or not I look fat. I have an on-again-off-again relationship with an eating disorder. Usually my urge to overexercise and restrict comes in Summer, right along with bikini season. This past Summer, and the Summer before that, I would eat as little as humanly possible until I could barely get up, and I would still try to walk on the treadmill for an hour a day, which is no easy feat for someone with cerebral palsy to begin with, let alone after intermittent fasting and restricting for weeks on end. Losing weight becomes the only thing I can think about. I would, after a few weeks of this, begin to shed weight, but never fast enough for my liking. I have never been "too skinny". I've never lost so much weight as to be classified as medically anorexic. For all my efforts, I remain the shape and size that I started off being, and inevitably I gain back every pound over the course of the year once Summer ends and I'm able to retreat into less revealing attire.

I think my weight does affect my marriage, and I'm never sure in what way. On one hand, when I'm depressed, my husband will sometimes bring me food or ask if I've eaten anything that day- and my answer is not always satisfactory to him. On the other hand, my husband and I are both relatively low libido, and he will seldom initiate sex- if ever. I often wonder if he'd be more sexually responsive or adventurous if I were a size 0 or 2, or if I had a flat stomach, etc. Does my weight affect our sex life because I'm unfashionably shaped, or does it affect our intimacy because my husband (sometimes) spends more mental energy than he should making sure I don't try to starve myself to death? I don't know...


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post #57 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 03:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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I'm of an "average" weight and, according to what people tell me, a slender-to-average build. I don't know my weight at present, nor can I say with certainty whether or not I look fat. I have an on-again-off-again relationship with an eating disorder. Usually my urge to overexercise and restrict comes in Summer, right along with bikini season. This past Summer, and the Summer before that, I would eat as little as humanly possible until I could barely get up, and I would still try to walk on the treadmill for an hour a day, which is no easy feat for someone with cerebral palsy to begin with, let alone after intermittent fasting and restricting for weeks on end. Losing weight becomes the only thing I can think about. I would, after a few weeks of this, begin to shed weight, but never fast enough for my liking. I have never been "too skinny". I've never lost so much weight as to be classified as medically anorexic. For all my efforts, I remain the shape and size that I started off being, and inevitably I gain back every pound over the course of the year once Summer ends and I'm able to retreat into less revealing attire.

I think my weight does affect my marriage, and I'm never sure in what way. On one hand, when I'm depressed, my husband will sometimes bring me food or ask if I've eaten anything that day- and my answer is not always satisfactory to him. On the other hand, my husband and I are both relatively low libido, and he will seldom initiate sex- if ever. I often wonder if he'd be more sexually responsive or adventurous if I were a size 0 or 2, or if I had a flat stomach, etc. Does my weight affect our sex life because I'm unfashionably shaped, or does it affect our intimacy because my husband (sometimes) spends more mental energy than he should making sure I don't try to starve myself to death? I don't know...
How about just asking him?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #58 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 04:36 PM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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How about just asking him?
Of course he says I'm not fat. What man, no matter how trustworthy, would ever call his wife fat? Everyone knows that's the one question on which you can never expect an honest answer. And yes, I've followed the question up with "Do you really mean that? Are you sure?" Makes no difference. If your wife asks you if she's fat, you're meant to say no. Even if she's been confused with a white rhinoceros when you take her to the zoo.

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post #59 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 06:22 PM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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Of course he says I'm not fat. What man, no matter how trustworthy, would ever call his wife fat? Everyone knows that's the one question on which you can never expect an honest answer. And yes, I've followed the question up with "Do you really mean that? Are you sure?" Makes no difference. If your wife asks you if she's fat, you're meant to say no. Even if she's been confused with a white rhinoceros when you take her to the zoo.
Maybe not a Great word choice of fat but I don't see an issue with telling your spouse that they are gaining weight and you are not as attracted to them.
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post #60 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 07:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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Of course he says I'm not fat. What man, no matter how trustworthy, would ever call his wife fat? Everyone knows that's the one question on which you can never expect an honest answer. And yes, I've followed the question up with "Do you really mean that? Are you sure?" Makes no difference. If your wife asks you if she's fat, you're meant to say no. Even if she's been confused with a white rhinoceros when you take her to the zoo.
So you don't believe him?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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