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post #46 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 10:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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our time is limited without substantial weight loss on his part. He has worked so hard to ensure our comfortable retirement and it is not likely to include him. That is tragic.



One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #47 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 03:41 PM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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Don't you think that to him, you *are* physically attractive, Affaircare? It is not like there is just one definition of that, right?
@jld,

This is a great question! I think for some people, attraction starts physically and then spreads into all the other aspects of who the spouse is. For my own Dear Hubby, I completely agree that from what I can tell, he is physically attracted to me. I observe this based on how he acts and how he looks at me! So his definition of physically attractive includes what I got!

However I don't think his definition of an "attractive" person starts with their looks, if that makes sense. Honestly I think he's attracted to my mind, sense of humor, and generally easy-going personality....and because all that is so much the way he likes, he also finds the exterior "within acceptable perimeters"

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post #48 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 06:10 PM
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Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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Just to refocus on part of the original question that has not had many responses . . .

Is anyone here married to a man whose attraction is not affected by your weight, but you wish it were? If so, why?


Ok yeah I guess I sort of missed that. Yes I do believe my H's attraction is not affected by my weight. (It could be, but I won't be gaining anymore weight!)

My attraction is effected by MY weight. If I feel fat or out of shape I don't feel sexy. Therefore I'm less inclined to act sexy or to be the initiator of sex.
So in the long run, even if he is still attracted to me with extra weight, it effects him.

I don't know if I really wish he were different in this area. I think I would want him to be more direct, less afraid to upset me by being honest. Then I would believe him when he acts super attracted to my body and not be tempted to write it off as him 'just being horny' and wanting some.

That being said, I do have self esteem issues and have always found something wrong with my body even when I was 'perfect'.
I imagine he is afraid to trigger my insecurities by saying anything.
But in the end it's what I believe about myself that really matters because he seems very happy with me, from when I was too thin to now, being more curvy and having a belly.

I think you also asked earlier @jld how it made me feel to consider that he may prefer me bigger.
I actually think it's not a body type for H, just whatever body *I* happen to be in, that he loves.
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post #49 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 07:57 AM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

My husband never care about my "overweight" weight or care about my unpretty body full of stretch marks or my very unpretty vagina labia.

I share this in background threads of mine on a mommie-baby site where I'm a frequent poster on (it a community forum for mommies, pregnancy, women who TTC, etc.. where women talk to other women for advice and support). I'm mostly a lurker here, I don't post here much.
Warning: Long and TMI below, please feel free to skip it if you don't like to read TMI stuff or don't like to read posts that long-winded in general.

I'm a 4'11" (4 feet 11 inches) petite short height girl, curvy body and chubby. I'm not tall, not thin at all. I always have been the plumb and rounded body.
My BMI is "overweight". Not obese but definately in the overweight category in the BMI chart.

I have large long labia minora, it hang out, the texture shape the dark color. I always have it--for as long as I remember I already have these large/long hang out dark labia minora.
I asked my OB/GYN and she said it is genetic. When you go go through puberty our labia minora start develop and continue develop until we completed puberty.. some cases it continue to develope even after puberty complete. It just depends on the indvidual body. The labia shapes/thickness, corlors, sizes/lengths of our labia is genetic.

Beside my unpretty labia. I also have stretch marks on the middle to the lower of my stomach, especially the lower belly of my stomach is full of fat and stretch marks. And my outer thighs are full of stretch marks, alot alot all over my thighs.
Whether it genetic like my OB/GYN said or it something in my genes, but this is the body that I always been. The chubby thighs and stomach full of stretch marks, the large/long hang dark labia minora. I wear size 38C bra (U.S size), and my breast sags. This is the body I always have, way way before I met him.

I went from the girl in his neighborhood to friends with him--friends who share everything with each other, to dating/committed relationship. And now to being married (spouses).
I have known him for 5 years. The the first 2 years knowing each others, we were 'just friends' only/platonic friends. It me that specificly said I want to be 'just friends', despite I knpw he was chasing me. I use the 2 years time to slowly 'Observe' him, get to know him really well before I agreed be his girlfriend.
Because of our close distance, especially when your the girl in his neighborhood, seeing each others day in and day out; it not hard to get to know him well. His apartment was 5 minutes within walking distance from my apartment.

I thought the 2 years being 'just friends' with him--that would be enough time for him to give up chasing me.. But as we getting to know each others, seem like the feelings he has for me developed more and more over time. He said he wait for me, he waited.
I was touch by his sincere and persistent. After 2 years of be friends with him, I agreed to be his girlfriend.. And after 1 year into our committed relationship, I agreed we move in live together.

Everytime I asked him; when did he realized he have feelings for me? He gives me the same answer, he said he know he have feelings for me when he find himself keep coming back to the same stairscase sit there wait and wait for me.
Back when we acquaintances/friends; he purposely chose the public staircase that closest to my apartment, quietly sat there and wait for me. He would come back to this same stairscase wait and wait, even in cold weather. This staircase is where he waited for me alot.

Thinking back I sure did give him a hard time. I'm sure it because I'm the girl in his neighborhood/we see each other day in and day out, or else he wouldn't have this much patience.
Perhaps I test his love and patience. But I have no regrets being 'friends' with him in that 2 years, I get to know him really really well. We both learn alot about each others, know everything about each others. We friends who share everything with each others.--I'm sure that 2 years time was the fundamental foundation structure that build our relationship and hold us hold our relationship together.

I know even after I agreed be his GF, I still make him wait 1 year into our committed relationship before I gave him sex. Frankly, it was two reasons that hold me back:
One was my childhood baggage (my mother verbally and emotionally abuse me throughout my whole childhood. And one time when I was 12 she physically abuse beaten me; that resulted in me got taken away to 'Foster home', and the case went to court for she 'Domestic Child Abuse' me).
My mother destroyed me.. I left my mother house more than a decade ago. But I forgave her, forgave her for everything she did to me. After all, she gave birth to me; without her I wouldn't be here in this world. I talk about my mother alot throughout my background threads in the mommie-baby site where I'm a regular on.
It my dysfunctional childhood--I know I'm a very difficult girl to live with.

And two was the above I talk about, about my ugly body and my ugly labia minora. I might have a pretty face, a beautiful sunshine smile. Sure, wear clothes I look cute alright. But naked there nothing pretty about my body.
This is the body when I met him, became acquaintance/friends with him. The body when I was dating him (his GF). The body when I married him (his wife). It alway this unpretty body.
I guess you can say this is my pre-pregnancy body. I never been pregnant before. Heck, I was still a virgin when I slept with him.

When we in our committed relationship; he did initiate sex, but I told him I wasn't ready. He very respectful, He said he will wait for me till I was ready. He waited, he very patience. It was 1 year before I gave him sex.
I know he wanted sex, I just want to be fair to him. I remember I purposely show him those stretch marks all over my body, I wear just bra and underwear for him to see.
He saw all those stretch marks on my stomach, the middle of my belly and especially the lower of belly is full of fat and stretch marks. He saw those tretch marks all over my outer thighs, alot alot.
I also let him know clearly that beside my body is like what he see, my breasts also sags, and there nothing pretty about my vagina. At the time I should have just took off my underwear and be completely naked in front of him, and I was about to do that.

Besides be fair to him, perhaps what I was doing was trying to push him away.. I purposely want him to see all that so he knows this is the body of the girl that he waited 2 years for just so I agreed to be his GF. The body of girl that he wants to sleep with when I make him wait an extra year before I gave him sex. The body of the girl that he wanted we move in live together.
He saw it all. He accepted my body as it is, despite I keep tell him how ugly my body is.

And back when were were friends; he knew all about emotional childhood baggage, he knew about my mother abuse me in my childhood.
He also know I was a virgin. It like he already know way back when we were friends that I was a virgin. I mean how can he not know? I'm the girl in his neighborhood, we see each others day in day out. And I'm sure he can tell from the way I act when I'm around him. And he is a 'Street smart' guy, he not stupid. I'm sure he can see right through me.
He knows everything, and he accepted everything about me.

Despite I tried and tried to get him to understand how ugly my body is..
But he just doesn't care any of that. He said it very clear that he know he have feelings for me when he find himself keep coming back to the same stairscase sit there wait and wait for me.. He explained to me that the 2 years when we were 'just friends', getting to know each others/seeing each others day in day out; he already love me. That 2 years time wait for me agree to be his GF--he already loves me. He said he loves me way before I became his GF.
.......
My unpretty body didn't effect his love for me. He still wanted us to move in live together.. I know when I agreed to move in live together, I know sex will happened.

Yes, sex happened when we moved in living together; he saw exactly how my vagina labia is. And he still love me like day one when he chase me. My ugly vagina labia didn't effect his love for me.
Shortly after living together, he proposed. (When we in our committed relationship he brought up the marriage topic. But it was shortly after we live together, that was when he proposed).. I wasn't pregnant when we married. He was just very keen on tied the knot.
He make it very clear that he wants to married me. He was really pushing marriage.. Welp, I agreed to married him; we got married 2 years ago, (23 months to be exact).

Back when we live together; there times when he hugged me, stare and stare at me and then hug me, and said we go get married, go get married right now, we go register for marriage right now. He said he wants to be by my side, he wants to spend his life with me. He said he loves me very much.
..I did hug him back when he hugged me, and I pretty much just smile. At the time I really didn't know how to answer him--I was pretty much blank, and I was nervous.
(From met, to accquantaince to friends, to his long chase to we date, to now we been married. He always stare and stare at me. We been married, and he still stare at me that exact same way.. He still intense. The loving way he looks at me now is still the exact same way that he looked at me 5 years ago).

Because I'm the girl in his neighborhood, I thought after 5 years seeing me day in day out; he would be sick of me and leave.. But he still here, he still love me like day one. His love hasn't change.
He still is the love-idiot guy that back then quietly sat outside my staircase wait and wait for me.. He still hasn't change, nothing about him change.

I know he said the 2 years when we 'just friends', seeing each others day in day out, he already love me at that time. Perhaps that why he keep waiting for me.. I know he said he loves me way before I became his GF, he loves me way before I agree to married him/become his wife, he loves me way before he sleep with me.

I know he doesn't mind my ugly body. He kiss my large/long labia, it hang out, the shape the dark color the texture; but he still kiss it. I know if he can have his lips and mouth on my ugly vagina labia, it clear that he doesn't mind.
He kiss my breasts, and my breasts sags. He kiss my thighs and my stomach and it full of stretch marks all over. I feel that he doesn't mind because he kiss my lower belly and that is where the fat and the most stretch marks are, and he still kiss it.
No, NEVER once I ask him to kiss me. I ofcourse know how ugly my body is, therefore I never ask him to kiss me anywhere on my body. All his kisses he do it out of his own willing.

Regardless of where he kiss me, it never the quick peck type. It the he slowly put his lips on your body and kiss it type, his kiss it always a full kiss lingering deep kiss. He kiss like he taste you, taste your body type of thing. I really feel that he doesn't mind my ugly body.
But I feel sad for him you know. There times when I feel that he deserve someone else better than 'Me', kwim?

Past or present, he treats me really really well.. He ridiculously patience, patience and patience. He is a very devoted husband. He loves me in every possible way that he can.
He worries and secure everything from emotionally to financially, so I can live a stable steady and comfy life.. Everything I have right now/the comfy life I live right now is all thank you to he gives me.
Heck, he doesn't even want me to work, not even part time. He wants me to stay home, be a SAHW (yes, a stay at home wife, because right now we have no kids yet). And when I'm ready to give him him his baby wish, he wants me to continue stay home be a SAHM.
He really want a baby to complete out little family. He would be THRILLED if I got pregnant while on the pills. Even if it just an Oops baby, he still would be sooo happy.
But I'm not ready yet. And he been waiting patiencely for me to give him a baby.
.......
It has nothing to do with financial--his money, or his income. Or how good sex his 'down there' feels. It all about he treats me really really well. And he accept everything about me including my dysfunction childhood baggage, and accept my ugly body and my ugly vagina. I feel blessed, very blessed to have him as my husband. I have zero regrets this lifetime.

**just for note. Both me and my husband we are Not westerners/Not Europeans/Not Americans. So maybe it just his culture and my culture. :-)

If need live translation, I be more than happy to help. Chinese here & here. Vietnamese here.
LONG& TMI(Regard something my DH did 10 years ago); just so hard for me to understand

Last edited by jasmine31; 12-20-2016 at 03:17 PM.
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post #50 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 08:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

Wow, very nice, heartfelt post, jasmine.

It is pretty clear your body is not ugly to your husband. We women are so hard on ourselves.

I love how he waited to have sex with you until you were ready. He just enjoyed spending time with you. That is how it should be.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #51 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 09:33 AM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

I think everyone is affected by weight, it's just that some have a much wider range of acceptable than others.

Taking an extreme example, I think most would find 700 pounds unattractive. But many people are fine with a particular +/- range.

And even the range could vary based on other factors, like how you carry it, why it's there (ie did you get sick or just laze on the couch all day) and how much they like you.

I know I don't carry extra weight well because I'm short and my face tends to blow up first, but I know people who can carry an extra 20 pounds and still look pretty good.
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post #52 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 09:50 AM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

A couple of quick thoughts...not in any particular order.

In my marriage, I believe my H is much more affected by my mood rather than physical appearance. I suffer from depression/anxiety (diagnosed and under treatment) and when I am at a low point I feel his attraction wane. I don't blame him, fwiw.

My H is the one who struggles with weight more so than I do. I have a faster metabolism than he does. He has gone up and down 60-75lbs during the course of our marriage and it's a struggle for him to maintain his weight where he wants it. His whole family is like that. So, I think he feels like he wouldn't dare speak a word to me about what I weigh knowing his own struggle and the (unfortunate) shame it brings him. I think the way he feels about himself impacts his drive more than how he feels about my physical appearance. I tend to go up and down around 15lbs which keeps me in the same clothing sizes, I just feel blah when I am heavier and have that bit of extra fluff.

Health is big for both of us, and I tend to feel that people who overly emphasize physical appearance are a bit shallow. We have watched people close to us lose their independence, health and ability via various health problems. I am having some serious health problems at the moment myself. When you see that, you tend to focus on just loving that you have a body that can still walk, think, breathe! Who cares what it looks like! When I meet or read about someone who is very picky about appearance I think they probably haven't had to witness the struggles of someone who is disabled or fighting for their life.

My husband has health problems that are affected by his weight. My struggle is helping him keep his weight down so he can have relief from the symptoms. I do not like making him feel shameful about himself so I struggle with this, honestly. I love him and want him to feel loved, not judged. I haven't figured out how to deliver the message of care and concern without it sounding like I am judging him.
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post #53 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-18-2016, 09:54 AM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

My husband cares about my weight. In a healthy degree. Right now I am 10ish lbs heavier than I usually am. He doesn't care, he hasn't lost attraction for me. I think it will require me to be very heavy for it to affect his desire.
I think it's also my actions/lifestyle that he likes or doesn't. He likes me to be productive. He doesn't like a lazy, laying on the couch in my pjs eating chips vision lol.

Also about weight.... some women can look great with some weight. Some women when they gain weight it distribute evenly and nicely and it doesn't look bad. I have the body type that I need to be skinny. If I gain weight it goes right to my face and my hips and it looks gross. Like very pear shape. So for me, I just look better thinner. Some women look amazing with weight. I do not.
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post #54 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 09:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

I started this thread because I have read several times on here that men lose attraction when their wife gains weight. Yet my husband has never seemed to care what I weighed. Wherever I have been on that 45 pound continuum, whether 118 or 165, or anywhere in between, has always seemed fine with him, at least from an attraction standpoint.

I read on the companion thread in Men's that he loves my shape, and that it does not vary with my weight. So it makes sense that his attraction has never wavered, since my shape, whether bigger or smaller, has not, either.

Weight can be a sensitive issue with women. It may be with men, too, not sure. But most women I know do not easily divulge their weight, and do not find jokes about weight funny. It can be a real source of insecurity. And if some men lose attraction because of a wife's weight gain, it is understandable why women might feel insecure about it.

I think it is important to embrace wherever we are on the scale or BMI chart and love ourselves, love our bodies. It might be the last liberation for some, whether from a husband's expectations or a society's.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #55 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 11:23 AM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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I started this thread because I have read several times on here that men lose attraction when their wife gains weight. Yet my husband has never seemed to care what I weighed. Wherever I have been on that 45 pound continuum, whether 118 or 165, or anywhere in between, has always seemed fine with him, at least from an attraction standpoint.

I read on the companion thread in Men's that he loves my shape, and that it does not vary with my weight. So it makes sense that his attraction has never wavered, since my shape, whether bigger or smaller, has not, either.

Weight can be a sensitive issue with women. It may be with men, too, not sure. But most women I know do not easily divulge their weight, and do not find jokes about weight funny. It can be a real source of insecurity. And if some men lose attraction because of a wife's weight gain, it is understandable why women might feel insecure about it.

I think it is important to embrace wherever we are on the scale or BMI chart and love ourselves, love our bodies. It might be the last liberation for some, whether from a husband's expectations or a society's.
I think that "weight" is often used as a catch all term, a misnomer if you will, where "appearance" would be more appropriate. Those two are often tied closely together, but are really two different things. If a person puts on weight where it is distributed evenly across their body where their overall appearance, or as Dug put it, their "shape" doesn't change much, then weight has little impact. However, if the same amount of weight targets a specific area such as the belly, then you end up with a very different overall appearance.


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post #56 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 02:41 PM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

I'm of an "average" weight and, according to what people tell me, a slender-to-average build. I don't know my weight at present, nor can I say with certainty whether or not I look fat. I have an on-again-off-again relationship with an eating disorder. Usually my urge to overexercise and restrict comes in Summer, right along with bikini season. This past Summer, and the Summer before that, I would eat as little as humanly possible until I could barely get up, and I would still try to walk on the treadmill for an hour a day, which is no easy feat for someone with cerebral palsy to begin with, let alone after intermittent fasting and restricting for weeks on end. Losing weight becomes the only thing I can think about. I would, after a few weeks of this, begin to shed weight, but never fast enough for my liking. I have never been "too skinny". I've never lost so much weight as to be classified as medically anorexic. For all my efforts, I remain the shape and size that I started off being, and inevitably I gain back every pound over the course of the year once Summer ends and I'm able to retreat into less revealing attire.

I think my weight does affect my marriage, and I'm never sure in what way. On one hand, when I'm depressed, my husband will sometimes bring me food or ask if I've eaten anything that day- and my answer is not always satisfactory to him. On the other hand, my husband and I are both relatively low libido, and he will seldom initiate sex- if ever. I often wonder if he'd be more sexually responsive or adventurous if I were a size 0 or 2, or if I had a flat stomach, etc. Does my weight affect our sex life because I'm unfashionably shaped, or does it affect our intimacy because my husband (sometimes) spends more mental energy than he should making sure I don't try to starve myself to death? I don't know...


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post #57 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 03:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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I'm of an "average" weight and, according to what people tell me, a slender-to-average build. I don't know my weight at present, nor can I say with certainty whether or not I look fat. I have an on-again-off-again relationship with an eating disorder. Usually my urge to overexercise and restrict comes in Summer, right along with bikini season. This past Summer, and the Summer before that, I would eat as little as humanly possible until I could barely get up, and I would still try to walk on the treadmill for an hour a day, which is no easy feat for someone with cerebral palsy to begin with, let alone after intermittent fasting and restricting for weeks on end. Losing weight becomes the only thing I can think about. I would, after a few weeks of this, begin to shed weight, but never fast enough for my liking. I have never been "too skinny". I've never lost so much weight as to be classified as medically anorexic. For all my efforts, I remain the shape and size that I started off being, and inevitably I gain back every pound over the course of the year once Summer ends and I'm able to retreat into less revealing attire.

I think my weight does affect my marriage, and I'm never sure in what way. On one hand, when I'm depressed, my husband will sometimes bring me food or ask if I've eaten anything that day- and my answer is not always satisfactory to him. On the other hand, my husband and I are both relatively low libido, and he will seldom initiate sex- if ever. I often wonder if he'd be more sexually responsive or adventurous if I were a size 0 or 2, or if I had a flat stomach, etc. Does my weight affect our sex life because I'm unfashionably shaped, or does it affect our intimacy because my husband (sometimes) spends more mental energy than he should making sure I don't try to starve myself to death? I don't know...
How about just asking him?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #58 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 04:36 PM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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How about just asking him?
Of course he says I'm not fat. What man, no matter how trustworthy, would ever call his wife fat? Everyone knows that's the one question on which you can never expect an honest answer. And yes, I've followed the question up with "Do you really mean that? Are you sure?" Makes no difference. If your wife asks you if she's fat, you're meant to say no. Even if she's been confused with a white rhinoceros when you take her to the zoo.

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post #59 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 06:22 PM
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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Of course he says I'm not fat. What man, no matter how trustworthy, would ever call his wife fat? Everyone knows that's the one question on which you can never expect an honest answer. And yes, I've followed the question up with "Do you really mean that? Are you sure?" Makes no difference. If your wife asks you if she's fat, you're meant to say no. Even if she's been confused with a white rhinoceros when you take her to the zoo.
Maybe not a Great word choice of fat but I don't see an issue with telling your spouse that they are gaining weight and you are not as attracted to them.
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post #60 of 101 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 07:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Does your husband *not* care about your weight?

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
Of course he says I'm not fat. What man, no matter how trustworthy, would ever call his wife fat? Everyone knows that's the one question on which you can never expect an honest answer. And yes, I've followed the question up with "Do you really mean that? Are you sure?" Makes no difference. If your wife asks you if she's fat, you're meant to say no. Even if she's been confused with a white rhinoceros when you take her to the zoo.
So you don't believe him?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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