Our Argument
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

The Ladies' Lounge Sharing and support.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-07-2011, 07:19 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 119
Default Our Argument

So I know I have a part to play in this, but my husband got the plate and the tag for the car (the one I wanted him to wait on buying in the first place) and he comes home and it says "In God We Trust" on it instead of our county of residence. I informed him that I preferred it to have the county and how come he didn't call to ask. He stated that he thought it wouldn't be a big deal, and how much he dislikes our county, and he wanted to make a decision that he thought would represent both of us. Now, I have talked with him before about me putting certain tags and stickers on the car, but they were too feminine and he's a man, and men don't drive around with those things on those cars because people will think he's driving his woman's car. (Well, for one, we're both paying for it, so its both of ours car.) So anyway it lead into this whole argument about how I look down on him for not making decisions (um, where did he get this from, I never told him this, never told him he should make more decisions.) I did tell him when he makes decisions, (especially finanancial ones) he needs to know the budget and whats in the bank. I do look down on decisions that are made based on imaginary money and not considering a budget (I've never told him this, I've just informed him to start looking at the budget instead of being mad at me when I make a financial call because I know what the numbers are.)

So then it turns into, I'm always walking around with a chip on my shoulder. Well yeah, when you continually ask a grown man to help with stuff and it takes days and weeks to get to it, or you can't remember, then yeah. But, you have time to watch four hours of the same episodes of tv everyday. Then he barks back at me, well you're always watching tv and never studying and you're just mad at me for being a man. Um, no, remember, I am at home during the day. You have no clue what I'm doing, there are days and days I go without watching tv and just because once or twice a week you see my shows on demand does not mean I take hours everyday to watch tv. What I'm doing during the day is taking care of your daughter, taking care of the home, and finding ways to earn extra money. Sorry if I don't have time to study to until after the baby is sleep or for a couple of hours while you are off work. And, I'm mad at you for being an irresponsible man.

Last edited by maccheese; 12-07-2011 at 08:47 PM.
maccheese is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-08-2011, 12:54 AM   #2 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 17,567
Default Re: Our Argument

The two of you need to learn how to talk to each other. I'll bet that's pretty normal discussion for you two. A lot of words with nothing really said except love busters on both parts.

I think you need to learn to pick your battles better as well. So he got a license plate he likes. Is this really the hill you want to die on?
EleGirl is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-08-2011, 01:57 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
heartsbeating's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Batcave
Posts: 5,125
Default Re: Our Argument

Quote:
Originally Posted by maccheese View Post
I informed him that I preferred it to have the county and how come he didn't call to ask.
Why should he call you about this decision? He said he considered a plate that was representative to both of you. Why does this matter? If it wasn't offensive to you, why not just let him enjoy the plates? Your argument jumped to you talking about his lack of financial responsibility. What does this have to do with the plate?

Quote:
Originally Posted by maccheese View Post
So anyway it lead into this whole argument about how I look down on him for not making decisions (um, where did he get this from, I never told him this, never told him he should make more decisions.)

I do look down on decisions that are made based on imaginary money and not considering a budget (I've never told him this, I've just informed him to start looking at the budget instead of being mad at me when I make a financial call because I know what the numbers are.)
So, he's right - you do look down on him. Not for not making decisions, but because you feel he makes the wrong decisions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by maccheese View Post
So then it turns into, I'm always walking around with a chip on my shoulder. Well yeah, when you continually ask a grown man to help with stuff and it takes days and weeks to get to it, or you can't remember, then yeah.

And, I'm mad at you for being an irresponsible man.
And there it is. You're mad at him for being irresponsible. You don't respect him. This is how you view him. Maybe he is irresponsible. Maybe you don't have reason to respect him. He will feel this. And perhaps ....maybe he needs room to prove himself? To make decisions without hearing criticism - especially with minor things such as the plate. Maybe? Just a thought.
__________________
You won't see me down the disco 'cos bright lights really hurt my eyes, I'd rather stay and dance with you to the funky music playing on your stereo
heartsbeating is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-08-2011, 04:05 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 119
Default Re: Our Argument

It jumped to financial responsbility because we have an underlying issue with him buying this car, again a decision he wants me to support but I don't agree with. It wasn't really about financial responsibility. So, I've got to help pay for a car I didn't agree to buy and when I ask to put a certain tag on this car its a problem but he can choose what he likes. I don't mind the plate its the fact that what I enjoy is not involved in the equation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartsbeating View Post
Why should he call you about this decision? He said he considered a plate that was representative to both of you. Why does this matter? If it wasn't offensive to you, why not just let him enjoy the plates? Your argument jumped to you talking about his lack of financial responsibility. What does this have to do with the plate?



So, he's right - you do look down on him. Not for not making decisions, but because you feel he makes the wrong decisions.



And there it is. You're mad at him for being irresponsible. You don't respect him. This is how you view him. Maybe he is irresponsible. Maybe you don't have reason to respect him. He will feel this. And perhaps ....maybe he needs room to prove himself? To make decisions without hearing criticism - especially with minor things such as the plate. Maybe? Just a thought.
maccheese is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-08-2011, 05:00 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Stonewall's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 1,661
Default Re: Our Argument

One argument turns into another and then into another. You guys have got to learn how to talk. Somebody has to be the adult in the room and maintain focus on the issue at hand.

If you allow the discussion to become wrapped in so much petty stuff you will never unravel it. You will both just build resentment until .....BOOM!
Stonewall is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-08-2011, 05:05 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
heartsbeating's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Batcave
Posts: 5,125
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by maccheese View Post
It jumped to financial responsbility because we have an underlying issue with him buying this car, again a decision he wants me to support but I don't agree with. It wasn't really about financial responsibility. So, I've got to help pay for a car I didn't agree to buy and when I ask to put a certain tag on this car its a problem but he can choose what he likes. I don't mind the plate its the fact that what I enjoy is not involved in the equation.
okay I gotcha now. Do you share finances? How did it come to be that he dismissed your feelings and (maybe) financial concerns to go ahead and make this big purchase without it being mutually agreeable?

From this post, it now sounds like you feel overlooked?
Posted via Mobile Device
heartsbeating is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-08-2011, 06:13 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
heartsbeating's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Batcave
Posts: 5,125
Default Re: Our Argument

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stonewall View Post
One argument turns into another and then into another. You guys have got to learn how to talk. Somebody has to be the adult in the room and maintain focus on the issue at hand.

If you allow the discussion to become wrapped in so much petty stuff you will never unravel it. You will both just build resentment until .....BOOM!
Actually yep, this.

__________________
You won't see me down the disco 'cos bright lights really hurt my eyes, I'd rather stay and dance with you to the funky music playing on your stereo
heartsbeating is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-08-2011, 06:51 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
chillymorn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,869
Default Re: Our Argument

sounds like you want all the decission making power and he should just go with the flow.

you want to control the purse strings and he should see what your doing and act responsible about it.

heres an idea why don't you guys sit down and make a budget and both be part of the decission making process.If you have been doing the bills all these yrs he feel like its your way or the highway.so eventually he gets a wild hair up his a$$ and makes a big financial decission. and then he get grief from you about it you don't respect his judgment. or him for that matter. and he feels it.

if you can't afford the vehicle what are you going to do? I think you can afford it but if might be tight in some other area that you think is more important. so your building resentment because he isn't yeilding you want so your looking for any little thing that you can ***** about. just so you can get your way.


what do you do to make extra money. do you make as much as your husband ? are you stuck in the I'm so busy being a good mom and house wife and all he dose is work and turn over his money mode. pretty important to be a responsible go to work every day so your family has the things they need. sux comming home to an overberring wife who just crituques every decission he makes.

you should respect your husband and let him make decissions for his family you might be surprised that his decissions might actually be good ones if you give them a chance. I'm sure he will make some not so good ones but I'm also sure you make some not so good decissions also.
chillymorn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-08-2011, 09:11 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 119
Default Re: Our Argument

I would love for him to make more/better decisions, but when he says, "hey you handle the budget and financies" and he does not want to have a part of that, how can you make any financial decisions? Especially a car, you are right, we can afford the car (and wouldn't have had to be tight in any area), if we would have waited just a couple more months. Now next month, we're looking to come up short. But, if the decision was made wisely, I wouldn't have had a problem. I don't want to control anything, thats what he wants until he wants "to be a man." Really what I want is for him to be actively involved in the budgeting in financial planning. I don't care about the plate, don't care about having bought a car, but I do care of having the stress on ME to have to shift money around, continue to remind him there is insurance and a car note to pay when he wants to spend spend spend while I'm the one who ensures the money is in the bank to clear the check.

We even discussed a budget for a car note we cold afford. He went way over that. Okay, its cool for him to make these decisions and learn these lesssons but then again, he's not the one making sure the check clears every month.


Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
sounds like you want all the decission making power and he should just go with the flow.

you want to control the purse strings and he should see what your doing and act responsible about it.

heres an idea why don't you guys sit down and make a budget and both be part of the decission making process.If you have been doing the bills all these yrs he feel like its your way or the highway.so eventually he gets a wild hair up his a$$ and makes a big financial decission. and then he get grief from you about it you don't respect his judgment. or him for that matter. and he feels it.

if you can't afford the vehicle what are you going to do? I think you can afford it but if might be tight in some other area that you think is more important. so your building resentment because he isn't yeilding you want so your looking for any little thing that you can ***** about. just so you can get your way.


what do you do to make extra money. do you make as much as your husband ? are you stuck in the I'm so busy being a good mom and house wife and all he dose is work and turn over his money mode. pretty important to be a responsible go to work every day so your family has the things they need. sux comming home to an overberring wife who just crituques every decission he makes.

you should respect your husband and let him make decissions for his family you might be surprised that his decissions might actually be good ones if you give them a chance. I'm sure he will make some not so good ones but I'm also sure you make some not so good decissions also.
maccheese is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-08-2011, 09:46 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
chillymorn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,869
Default Re: Our Argument

just tell him its his job to do the budget and that its too stressfull for you.

and then let him do it don't nag him on the decissions he makes.
he"ll make mistakes but he will figure it out and prob do a good job after the learning curve.

or you can continue to be stressed about it and ruin your marriage.
chillymorn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-08-2011, 09:54 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
heartsbeating's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Batcave
Posts: 5,125
Default Re: Our Argument

Quote:
Originally Posted by maccheese View Post
I would love for him to make more/better decisions, but when he says, "hey you handle the budget and financies" and he does not want to have a part of that, how can you make any financial decisions? Especially a car, you are right, we can afford the car (and wouldn't have had to be tight in any area), if we would have waited just a couple more months. Now next month, we're looking to come up short. But, if the decision was made wisely, I wouldn't have had a problem. I don't want to control anything, thats what he wants until he wants "to be a man." Really what I want is for him to be actively involved in the budgeting in financial planning. I don't care about the plate, don't care about having bought a car, but I do care of having the stress on ME to have to shift money around, continue to remind him there is insurance and a car note to pay when he wants to spend spend spend while I'm the one who ensures the money is in the bank to clear the check.

We even discussed a budget for a car note we cold afford. He went way over that. Okay, its cool for him to make these decisions and learn these lesssons but then again, he's not the one making sure the check clears every month.
My husband wasn't always great with finances either, so I feel your frustration.

He also recently bought a new car for us. When he was looking at the car he wanted to get, I was feeling concerned financially but instead of getting emotional or argumentative, I just told him I'd feel more comfortable if he could show me some figures behind it. He worked out the budget on the options he was looking at and then explained which was best for us based on this. It took a lot of burden off my shoulders to know he had it covered. It was a more effective way for us to both feel satisfied with the decision. And it settled my mind that he wasn't falling into old habits, that he had considered where we're at.

I would like to add though - if the issue was about the car decision and finances, don't make it about the plates. And now the decision has already been made about the car, ask him calmly to help you work the budget so it's not all on you to figure out.
__________________
You won't see me down the disco 'cos bright lights really hurt my eyes, I'd rather stay and dance with you to the funky music playing on your stereo
heartsbeating is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-08-2011, 11:57 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 4,573
Default Re: Our Argument

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartsbeating View Post
I would like to add though - if the issue was about the car decision and finances, don't make it about the plates. And now the decision has already been made about the car, ask him calmly to help you work the budget so it's not all on you to figure out.


This is the part that you need to address. You are ticked about the car, and it sounds like you have a good reason to be. So either you have not addressed that real problem, and are using the plates as an excuse (which won't help anything because the real issue is not being discussed), or you have addressed it and are unfairly dragging it back up again. That is going to cause problems.
Tall Average Guy is online now   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Argument about sex Mindful Coach The Ladies' Lounge 11 03-22-2012 09:32 PM
Twisting around the argument one_strange_otter General Relationship Discussion 3 12-14-2011 03:32 PM
Frustrating argument Haley General Relationship Discussion 4 07-22-2011 02:02 PM
Defusing and argument? paypay The Ladies' Lounge 12 04-23-2011 11:31 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:58 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage