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post #61 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-26-2016, 05:25 AM
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Re: Why can't I just be happy with him?

Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
My husband can do anything he wants to do. He can move anywhere and do well wherever he goes. Most people don't have that luxury. But he chooses to do something that he knows will make him unhappy and live a unfulfilled life bc he feels like he owes his parents.
Have you told him these exact words?
Better yet, just print them and show him.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #62 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 02:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why can't I just be happy with him?

Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
As a man who recently turned 50, had a MLC, and is depressed, i am asking how was Christmas Day?

Was your H home or did he work all day or text on his phone all day?

It was good because we spent time with our families. He wasn't the most fun or present but I had a lot of fun with my siblings and his.
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post #63 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-27-2016, 03:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why can't I just be happy with him?

Originally Posted by Satya View Post
Have you told him these exact words?
Better yet, just print them and show him.

Yes I have told him these exact words. He agrees with me. He said that there is compromise to everywhere we go. He said he doesn't know what makes him happy anymore.
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post #64 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-31-2016, 08:38 AM
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Re: Why can't I just be happy with him?

Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
It's typical Italian. His parents dont have the best relationship. She is subservient wife, he is head of the house strict man. She had her kids and poured everything into them, treated them like kings. They were her source of friendship and happiness. (There is truth to the weird Italian son relationship). My husband moves away and she is upset but still have another son. She gets mad at my husband for not calling her every single day. Her other son hangs out with her like they are BFF. When her husband goes to bed at 8pm every night, she hangs out with her son.
She tells my husband that she never wants to retire. And she has made remarks like... what am I going to do when I retire?? (Hinting to being board and unhappy with her husband). And she puts pressure on her kids that they need to all live in the same town and hang out all the time and have Sunday dinner and blah blah blah. Both my husband and my BIL feel that they are responsible for their parents happiness.

Yes we live in the states.
This is a shame...doesn't his mother have friends, a life outside of her sons ? At the beginning of this thread... it seemed it was more about Ambition.. and I was saying to myself ..."Wait a minute.. she is married to a guy in residency, going to be a Doctor...WHAT !@#$"... but now I see what is at play here... I think @heartsbeating summed it up well... he is torn to be there -remain in his home town (cultural Italian upbringing)...over caring for his own happiness/ his own family...

I think that cultural upbringing is endearing myself -if a family ISN'T dysfunctional ... add to it a Mother who is lonely, toxic ... wanting to suck so much time from a busy son & his marriage... this can destroy a marriage... my husband knew a guy who divorced over his wife needing to spend so much time with HER parents.. if they moved.. she had to move, she was always over there...eventually he had enough....

It's not healthy... have you ever picked up a book like this... Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage

Toxic in–laws are in–laws who create genuine chaos through various assaults––aggressive or subtle––on you and your marriage. Toxic–in laws come in a wide variety of guises, " The Critics.; ", who tell you what you're doing wrong, "The Controllers.;", who try to run you and your partner's life, " The Engulfers.;", who make incessant demands on your time, " The Masters of Chaos.;", who drain you and your partner with their problems, and, " The Rejecters.;", who let you know they don't want you as part of their family.

Susan Forward draws on real–life voices and stories of both women and men struggling to free themselves from the frustrating, hurtful and infuriating relationships with their toxic in–laws. Dr. Forward offers you highly effective communication and behavioral techniques for getting through to partners who won't or can't stand up to their parents. Next, she lays out accessible and practical ways to reclaim you marriage from your in–laws. She shows you what to say, what to do and what limits to set. If you follow these strategies, you may not turn toxic in–laws into the in–laws of your dreams, but you will find some peace in your relationship with them.
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post #65 of 65 (permalink) Old 01-03-2017, 05:13 PM
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Re: Why can't I just be happy with him?

I'd be finding a way to get him into therapy to help him figure out his guilt issues and what he really wants.
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