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post #16 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 02:13 PM
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Re: friendship question

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This wasn't a surprise to both these people. They saw my sister at my daughter's wedding. I think one said she's gained even more weight since then, which was 5 years ago.
Well clearly she has a prejudice against overweight people. Such a shame. I bet her world is very small.

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post #17 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 02:24 PM
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Re: friendship question

Some people just love negative gossip, behind your back they probably say things like "Katie's so skinny' or "she's obsessed with working out, she must be unhappy"

Sadly you just can't trust that type of person, they find joy in degrading others, you know...because they're usually so perfect. I'm not sure you need to end the friendship but I would lay into them if they ever bad mouth your sister again.
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post #18 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 02:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: friendship question

My question is, when people say that to me about my daughter or my sister: What do they want ME to do about it? What is the point even, of mentioning it.
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post #19 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 02:27 PM
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Re: friendship question

Anyone can be honest. Good friends are tactful. Anyone cannot be good friends.

Some people have class, other people have azz. And that is "from whence" they speak.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #20 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 02:28 PM
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Re: friendship question

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Obese people are shocking when you come into close contact with them. They really are ... snip ... fat people are conversation starters the same way attractive or ugly or really anything in extreme is.
UFB
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post #21 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 02:42 PM
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Re: friendship question

I would simply remind them that such a comment is not necessary, and do it in a meaningful way...

"Trust me, it is so much easier to befriend kindness than criticism"... be sure to say it with a smile, then remove yourself for a few minutes and let it go.

They'll figure it out and probably apologize, to which a reminder that if they mean the apology, they'll not be critical like that again.

If it happens again, repeat it again and move on... bet it doesn't happen more than twice.
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post #22 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 05:01 AM
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Re: friendship question

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My question is, when people say that to me about my daughter or my sister: What do they want ME to do about it? What is the point even, of mentioning it.

The response they are hoping for is more negativity, they want you to dish out more gossip so they can fuel their mean spirited agendas. They want you to jump on their wagon and be united in their bigotry.

You need to let them know their comments hurt you, tell them exactly that..."Wow, it hurts me that you would say something so terrible about someone I love"
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post #23 of 33 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:28 PM
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Re: friendship question

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...I had my 50th birthday this summer. My sister and her family, from Seattle no less, joined us for the surprise party where we live in the midwest. So did my friends. Two of my friends took me aside and said, "that's your sister?" One of the husband's said, "you sure got the looks of the family."

...

I am kicking myself for not saying something like, "what a rude thing to say."

Or, am I being overly sensitive?
I don't think you're being overly sensitive whatsoever. It was a rude, insensitive, and inappropriate remark. I also believe your reply above would have been acceptable.

I think making direct eye contact and simply saying "wow" says it all too. Let their words hang in the air. Then in a polite collected manner excuse yourself to the other room. And be your same gracious person for the remainder of the evening.

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post #24 of 33 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:49 PM
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Re: friendship question

OP

It's your sister and your daughter. If you were to choose to openly critisise them to your friends then of course they might join in with such criticism.

But as you haven't, imo your friends have no right to instigate such criticism. If it happens again I would cut them off mid sentence and say "no one criticises my family, but my family" and pointedly change the subject or walk away.

A few questions. In general, do these friends take joy in judging and critising people over their looks? How would you have felt if they had said this about someone else at the gathering who was not related to you. In general would they have expected you to join in/have you joined in in the past?

I'm just trying to get a handle on why they thought they were okay to pass these unsolicited comments. If they were my friends I'd be wondering what they say about me behind my back?

Last edited by release2016; 01-15-2017 at 01:55 PM.
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post #25 of 33 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 10:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: friendship question

These friends don't often make fun of people. One is a health care professional. She mentioned it to me again this weekend after I told her sister was going to have gastric bypass.
I'm pretty sure one talks behind my back about the decisions I've made in my marriage. She's mentioned things to me a couple times and I have said I don't agree. She keeps her mouth shut.

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post #26 of 33 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 10:03 AM
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Re: friendship question

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I'm having this conversation with my daughters about friends and those who think they can say anything to us we're thinking of dropping as friends.
I had my 50th birthday this summer. My sister and her family, from Seattle no less, joined us for the surprise party where we live in the midwest. So did my friends. Two of my friends took me aside and said, "that's your sister?" One of the husband's said, "you sure got the looks of the family." Sister is morbidly obese. I am very fit. She is younger than me but both friends said she looks older. I was shocked that they said this. I would never say something like this. Was it a backhanded compliment to me? Do they not think I know the differences between us? I am kicking myself for not saying something like, "what a rude thing to say."
Or, am I being overly sensitive?
One of these same friends, when she saw our family Christmas picture said "DD is not going to like it, she looks heavy." I said she doesn't care. Are we that good of friends in that they think they can say whatever they're thinking? Or simply rude?
Instead of cutting them off forever, why didn't just tell them that it was rude? "Don't talk about my sister like that!" I find that if you live your life authentically, meaning don't hide it if someone says something hurtful to you, then you don't have to cut people off. They get the message and maybe learn something. Your way of going about it is really passive agressive.
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post #27 of 33 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 10:29 AM
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Re: friendship question

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Instead of cutting them off forever, why didn't just tell them that it was rude? "Don't talk about my sister like that!" I find that if you live your life authentically, meaning don't hide it if someone says something hurtful to you, then you don't have to cut people off. They get the message and maybe learn something. Your way of going about it is really passive agressive.

You can certainly cut them off if after multiple instances of this behavior followed by your remonstrations each time they still don't change. On the other hand they may actually learn that they are out of line and change their ways.

Bottom line is you shouldn't be with them if they constantly disappoint.
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post #28 of 33 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 11:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: friendship question

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Instead of cutting them off forever, why didn't just tell them that it was rude? "Don't talk about my sister like that!" I find that if you live your life authentically, meaning don't hide it if someone says something hurtful to you, then you don't have to cut people off. They get the message and maybe learn something. Your way of going about it is really passive agressive.
I'm not being PA, I'm simply not engaging at all.
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post #29 of 33 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 12:33 PM
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Re: friendship question

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I'm not being PA, I'm simply not engaging at all.
Hmm... refusing to engage without giving the other person a reason why is a little PA.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #30 of 33 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 02:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: friendship question

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Hmm... refusing to engage without giving the other person a reason why is a little PA.
I'm sure the other person has no idea.
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