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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 01:35 PM Thread Starter
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friendship question

I'm having this conversation with my daughters about friends and those who think they can say anything to us we're thinking of dropping as friends.
I had my 50th birthday this summer. My sister and her family, from Seattle no less, joined us for the surprise party where we live in the midwest. So did my friends. Two of my friends took me aside and said, "that's your sister?" One of the husband's said, "you sure got the looks of the family." Sister is morbidly obese. I am very fit. She is younger than me but both friends said she looks older. I was shocked that they said this. I would never say something like this. Was it a backhanded compliment to me? Do they not think I know the differences between us? I am kicking myself for not saying something like, "what a rude thing to say."
Or, am I being overly sensitive?
One of these same friends, when she saw our family Christmas picture said "DD is not going to like it, she looks heavy." I said she doesn't care. Are we that good of friends in that they think they can say whatever they're thinking? Or simply rude?

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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 01:37 PM
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Re: friendship question

Overly sensitive.

Its typically always better to aurround yourself with people that speak the truth....even when its not what you want to hear

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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 01:45 PM
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Re: friendship question

Those are mean spirited comments. I'd have let 1 go, but then the next time it happens, speak up.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 01:54 PM
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Re: friendship question

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Originally Posted by MarriedDude View Post
Overly sensitive.

Its typically always better to aurround yourself with people that speak the truth....even when its not what you want to hear
Yes I have a sister in law that prides herself in being 'honest' as she spends Christmas alone yet again because everyone got tired of walking on eggshells around her and simultaneously rebuffing her brutal 'honesty'.

Honesty is a wonderful thing until cruel agendas engulf the ego - then you are just a *****.

Last edited by peacem; 12-20-2016 at 02:01 PM.
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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 02:10 PM
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Re: friendship question

These comments strike me as rude and insensitive. I also think that your feeing guilty about not speaking up is a blessing in disguise. Now you will be more prepared for these sorts of comments in the future.
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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 02:20 PM
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Re: friendship question

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Yes I have a sister in law that prides herself in being 'honest' as she spends Christmas alone yet again because everyone got tired of walking on eggshells around her and simultaneously rebuffing her brutal 'honesty'.

Honesty is a wonderful thing until cruel agendas engulf the ego - then you are just a *****.
Yeah, i get that...its really an "all things being equal" type deal. Sometimes people are just ****s and hide behind "Honesty". Totally not talking about those good folks

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 02:27 PM
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Re: friendship question

My old best friend from high school once said to me (with slight disgust) that I deserved better after meeting my then bf. He was older and not as fit as guys our age but he treated me infinitely better than any one of them could. I knew she had some vanity issues but that's just too shallow for me. I dropped her like a hot potato. There's no place for that kind of negativity in my life.

I pride myself on being honest and I'm certainly known for it within my circle but there are lines that shouldn't be crossed. I think you should trust your conscience.
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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 02:32 PM
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Re: friendship question

They sound like mean, judgmental people. Are they always like that, or just like that about overweight people?

I would consider slowly and quietly phasing them out... who has time for the negative energy?

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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 02:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: friendship question

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They sound like mean, judgmental people. Are they always like that, or just like that about overweight people?

I would consider slowly and quietly phasing them out... who has time for the negative energy?
No, they're not always like that. That's why my surprise and inability to find an answer to what they said.
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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 07:05 AM
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Re: friendship question

Rude and insensitive. I am gobsmacked that these comments were made to you. Very offensive.

My boss is very heavy. he used to be even heavier. He has done some really hard work to lose a large amount of weight. Sure, he still has a lot to lose, but he has come so far. Not too long ago, a co-worker came up to me and we were talking about things in general. Then he said, has your boss gained weight? Is he diabetic? I looked at him like he grew two heads and I said how would I know? We don't discuss personal things like that. What I should have said was, I don't understand how you think that is an OK question to ask me. That is rude and offensive. Don't ever comment on someone's personal appearance to me again. I think, like you, the comment took me by surprise.

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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 08:02 AM
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Re: friendship question

Some people forget that they need to retain their manners around friends and family as well as strangers. Yes, it was a back-handed compliment to you. A simple "I love my sister dearly" is adequate to remind them of their place.
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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 08:13 AM
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Re: friendship question

Obese people are shocking when you come into close contact with them. They really are, especially when you aren't given a warning and the only person you know related to them is fit. It was probably just shock. I think it has absolutely nothing to do with you or even her, she's just a big woman and big things get noticed. As long as they don't go on and on about her I don't think I'd lump them as judgmental all around. Judgmental at that moment, yes, but fat people are conversation starters the same way attractive or ugly or really anything in extreme is.
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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 09:04 AM
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Re: friendship question

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Originally Posted by UnicornCupcake View Post
Obese people are shocking when you come into close contact with them. They really are, especially when you aren't given a warning and the only person you know related to them is fit. It was probably just shock. I think it has absolutely nothing to do with you or even her, she's just a big woman and big things get noticed. As long as they don't go on and on about her I don't think I'd lump them as judgmental all around. Judgmental at that moment, yes, but fat people are conversation starters the same way attractive or ugly or really anything in extreme is.
Words fail me.

Keep in mind that no one is perfect and that if everyone's flaws were visible on the outside, most of the world's population would be fodder for judgmental people.

Think about your own flaws before criticizing someone else's.

The OP's friend was rude.

Honesty occurs when you tell someone something they NEED to hear even though its painful.
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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 12:38 PM
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Re: friendship question

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Words fail me.

Keep in mind that no one is perfect and that if everyone's flaws were visible on the outside, most of the world's population would be fodder for judgmental people.

Think about your own flaws before criticizing someone else's.

The OP's friend was rude.

Honesty occurs when you tell someone something they NEED to hear even though its painful.
Yes, her friend was very rude. In THAT specific situation. Who knows if that rudeness was a result of shock or she's just an overall judgmental person. It would be hypocritcal to label her judgmental for labeling someone else fat when you don't know anything about her outside of that specific conversation. That's the point I was trying to make. I think the OP needs to let this all go, UNLESS this friend keeps talking about her. Then she needs to be told to STFU. We've all been judgmental in certain situations. It doesn't make us all around bad people. Just bad in that specific situation.
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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 01:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: friendship question

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Yes, her friend was very rude. In THAT specific situation. Who knows if that rudeness was a result of shock or she's just an overall judgmental person. It would be hypocritcal to label her judgmental for labeling someone else fat when you don't know anything about her outside of that specific conversation. That's the point I was trying to make. I think the OP needs to let this all go, UNLESS this friend keeps talking about her. Then she needs to be told to STFU. We've all been judgmental in certain situations. It doesn't make us all around bad people. Just bad in that specific situation.
This wasn't a surprise to both these people. They saw my sister at my daughter's wedding. I think one said she's gained even more weight since then, which was 5 years ago.
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