First Time Posting/Family Scapegoat
Hi All! This is my first time posting on a forum, I apologize in advance for any errors. A basic run down of my background is that I am a 29 year old female, successful in my career, and have been with my current fiancé for almost 7 years. I had a very torturous childhood. My father is a sociopath that was in prison for drug dealing when I was right around 10-11 years old didn't get out until I was almost 18 years old, my mother (a rape victim from her father) was never present and constantly "working" and promiscuous throughout my father's imprisonment, and my narcissistic sister who was raised by her best friend's family that was extremely wealthy. I was left to fend for myself with little to no guidance, simple things such as lunch money and clothing were typically given to me out of guilt by my father's family growing up. Without having to explain a ton because I could write an entire book.. I am now a 29 year old woman and very successful in my career with my fiancé, we have had many many growing pains due to my past as he comes from a very normal and loving family whom I have a far closer relationship with than my own. Over the past weeks, I have realized that I have been the family scapegoat throughout my life which caused me to rebel against my family as a child and into my teen years.. and although I live very far away from my immediately family members (over 5 years now), somehow I am the one at fault and labeled as the "bad guy". This all blew up recently when my family came to my competition show up north and my sister's fiancé (whom is also a drug dealer and narcissist), decided to not pay for his meal and left my fiancé and I to foot the entire bill and then later blamed us saying that he didn't have to because they traveled for my show and spent hundreds of dollars and I am simply ungrateful. I expected an apology as I brought it up to my sister in a conversation about 1 month later. My sister of course sided with her fiancé and reiterated exactly what he had said. They both somehow manipulated me into feeling guilty for bringing it up that he walked out on a restaurant bill. I knew that because I was dealing with narcissism, that I wouldn't get anywhere with either of them and so I told my sister that it was best I took a break from speaking with her. 4 months went by and the holidays came around last week, I found myself wanting to reconcile and somehow wanting harmony in my family. I believe this is primarily because I have been focusing on my Fiancé's supportive and loving family and thought that maybe I could iron out the issues and we could move forward in a more positive direction. I was ready to forgive and place it all in the past. I made a mistake by once again apologizing by sending them gifts and Christmas cards for nothing that I did wrong in order to try to reconcile with them. My sister must've contacted my mother right away after reading her card and they both planned to come up and visit me. I was unsure of their conversation as I am almost positive it was something along the lines of teaming up to prove how "wrong I am" as I am constantly still treated as the 14 year old rebel that I was in the past.
My fiancé and I recently decided on the time of year that we will be getting married as we have been in pre-marital classes and counseling going on 1 month and we are in such an amazing place in our relationship after almost 7 years of courting. I brought this to my mother's attention on the phone on Christmas Day and told her of our plans several times in the past, when we do plan to get married. She then proceeded to tell me that I couldn't get married around that time of year because my sister is marrying her fiancé and already chose a place and date, and that once again I have ruined a special time in my sister's life, I am rude, inconsiderate, and that I should be willing to change the date because I am causing stress in her life. She then called my sister to explain all of the above and my sister became infuriated with me and began texting me of how the world has to revolve around me, I have stressed out my mother for far too long, and then attempted to placed more guilt on me by saying that she had wanted me to be a part of her special day but was unsure because I had stopped speaking with her months prior. Her fiancé also sent me numerous text messages about how I have caused stress to the entire family, I am selfish, and never present (although I live over 4 hours away), and that he has a close relationship with all of my family members except for me, and that he "replaced" me with another friend (for my sister) with my same name and so my sister does not need me, but is still "hurt" by my actions.
Although I have all of this success in my career and love from from my fiancé's family as well as close Christian mentors, and a counselor.. I feel hurt and as though I am wrong somehow. I am unsure of how to go on and plan a wedding without help from my own family or even how to take in all of this information. Please help!
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