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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 09:12 AM Thread Starter
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First Time Posting/Family Scapegoat

Hi All! This is my first time posting on a forum, I apologize in advance for any errors. A basic run down of my background is that I am a 29 year old female, successful in my career, and have been with my current fiancé for almost 7 years. I had a very torturous childhood. My father is a sociopath that was in prison for drug dealing when I was right around 10-11 years old didn't get out until I was almost 18 years old, my mother (a rape victim from her father) was never present and constantly "working" and promiscuous throughout my father's imprisonment, and my narcissistic sister who was raised by her best friend's family that was extremely wealthy. I was left to fend for myself with little to no guidance, simple things such as lunch money and clothing were typically given to me out of guilt by my father's family growing up. Without having to explain a ton because I could write an entire book.. I am now a 29 year old woman and very successful in my career with my fiancé, we have had many many growing pains due to my past as he comes from a very normal and loving family whom I have a far closer relationship with than my own. Over the past weeks, I have realized that I have been the family scapegoat throughout my life which caused me to rebel against my family as a child and into my teen years.. and although I live very far away from my immediately family members (over 5 years now), somehow I am the one at fault and labeled as the "bad guy". This all blew up recently when my family came to my competition show up north and my sister's fiancé (whom is also a drug dealer and narcissist), decided to not pay for his meal and left my fiancé and I to foot the entire bill and then later blamed us saying that he didn't have to because they traveled for my show and spent hundreds of dollars and I am simply ungrateful. I expected an apology as I brought it up to my sister in a conversation about 1 month later. My sister of course sided with her fiancé and reiterated exactly what he had said. They both somehow manipulated me into feeling guilty for bringing it up that he walked out on a restaurant bill. I knew that because I was dealing with narcissism, that I wouldn't get anywhere with either of them and so I told my sister that it was best I took a break from speaking with her. 4 months went by and the holidays came around last week, I found myself wanting to reconcile and somehow wanting harmony in my family. I believe this is primarily because I have been focusing on my Fiancé's supportive and loving family and thought that maybe I could iron out the issues and we could move forward in a more positive direction. I was ready to forgive and place it all in the past. I made a mistake by once again apologizing by sending them gifts and Christmas cards for nothing that I did wrong in order to try to reconcile with them. My sister must've contacted my mother right away after reading her card and they both planned to come up and visit me. I was unsure of their conversation as I am almost positive it was something along the lines of teaming up to prove how "wrong I am" as I am constantly still treated as the 14 year old rebel that I was in the past.

My fiancé and I recently decided on the time of year that we will be getting married as we have been in pre-marital classes and counseling going on 1 month and we are in such an amazing place in our relationship after almost 7 years of courting. I brought this to my mother's attention on the phone on Christmas Day and told her of our plans several times in the past, when we do plan to get married. She then proceeded to tell me that I couldn't get married around that time of year because my sister is marrying her fiancé and already chose a place and date, and that once again I have ruined a special time in my sister's life, I am rude, inconsiderate, and that I should be willing to change the date because I am causing stress in her life. She then called my sister to explain all of the above and my sister became infuriated with me and began texting me of how the world has to revolve around me, I have stressed out my mother for far too long, and then attempted to placed more guilt on me by saying that she had wanted me to be a part of her special day but was unsure because I had stopped speaking with her months prior. Her fiancé also sent me numerous text messages about how I have caused stress to the entire family, I am selfish, and never present (although I live over 4 hours away), and that he has a close relationship with all of my family members except for me, and that he "replaced" me with another friend (for my sister) with my same name and so my sister does not need me, but is still "hurt" by my actions.

Although I have all of this success in my career and love from from my fiancé's family as well as close Christian mentors, and a counselor.. I feel hurt and as though I am wrong somehow. I am unsure of how to go on and plan a wedding without help from my own family or even how to take in all of this information. Please help!


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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 12-29-2016, 08:47 PM
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Re: First Time Posting/Family Scapegoat

Live your own life, without them. You have endured much chaos in your life, and your family is still lives in that chaos. You are blessed to be able to thrive in what sounds like a very supportive setting in your fiance's family and that relationship. You bear no guilt, as you were a victim of the decisions made by those around you. Their attempts to make you feel that way are absurd, and prove that they have multiple obvious issues. Refuse to play ping pong in their game. They'll obviously hit the ping pong ball and expect you to hit it back. The fact that you discovered that you are the family scapegoat testifies that you are receiving counseling, and is a great observation. Continue to surround yourself with wise counsel. You deserve to live a functional, normal, productive, happy life, regardless of whether or not your family chooses to do so. You will be cleaving unto your husband soon anyway, and Biblically this cleaving means you leave your family. The relationship you may have with them in the future really depends on whether or not they grow up and want to be functional, healthy adults. I wouldn't hold my breath there. What you have going on with your family, and how to deal with them, and get off of their crazy train will take time, but persevere through it. Set your boundaries in how you deal with them. You be the adult. You have your own life, with or without their support.

We all have our things to deal with, as I myself am dealing with some things within my own marriage that I am the cause of, but I can certainly attest to tremendous dysfunction within my wife's family, as well as my own, which included abuse, neglect, and things which definitely have contributed to the long road of finding normalcy. We've been through some things like what you speak of. Be strong, and thank you for reaching out.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 10:17 AM
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Re: First Time Posting/Family Scapegoat

You're at the age where you have to decide whether to keep toxic people in your life. Your family is toxic and you know it. You can leave them out of your life and start a new life with your fiance, fill it with kind, loving people. You don't HAVE to have your family in your life. I cut my dad out of ours and never looked back. I asked my DD26 if she missed him. She shrugged and said she didn't even remember him, he's just not part of her history.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 10:43 AM
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Re: First Time Posting/Family Scapegoat

Politely tell your family that you are going ahead with your plans. They can accept that or not.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: First Time Posting/Family Scapegoat

You're a 29 year old woman with a family.
Your soon to be husband.

Go get married when you want. Eject your toxic shaming mom and sister. Why do you need their blessing anyway? They'll only make it all about them.

Work on your guilt. This has been instilled in you after many years of ill treatment.

You're coming up to a time of pivotal maturity in your life (~30). You'll need to look deep inside to ask yourself whether you really need people in your life who have no care for your happiness, generosity, or wellbeing.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 01:10 PM
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Re: First Time Posting/Family Scapegoat

As I have learned long ago you can never please everyone although it's never fun to be thought of as the "bad guy" in the family. I have experience with that as I'm always the "bad guy" in my wife's family. Even though they are you're family you don't need people who by their own choosing refuse to support you. I would continue your wedding plans as you originally made them and not even invite your family. They would probably try their best to mess up your wedding day as much as they could.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 01:10 PM
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Re: First Time Posting/Family Scapegoat

Quote:
Originally Posted by FaithfullyNik View Post
Hi All! This is my first time posting on a forum, I apologize in advance for any errors. A basic run down of my background is that I am a 29 year old female, successful in my career, and have been with my current fiancé for almost 7 years. I had a very torturous childhood. My father is a sociopath that was in prison for drug dealing when I was right around 10-11 years old didn't get out until I was almost 18 years old, my mother (a rape victim from her father) was never present and constantly "working" and promiscuous throughout my father's imprisonment, and my narcissistic sister who was raised by her best friend's family that was extremely wealthy. I was left to fend for myself with little to no guidance, simple things such as lunch money and clothing were typically given to me out of guilt by my father's family growing up. Without having to explain a ton because I could write an entire book.. I am now a 29 year old woman and very successful in my career with my fiancé, we have had many many growing pains due to my past as he comes from a very normal and loving family whom I have a far closer relationship with than my own. Over the past weeks, I have realized that I have been the family scapegoat throughout my life which caused me to rebel against my family as a child and into my teen years.. and although I live very far away from my immediately family members (over 5 years now), somehow I am the one at fault and labeled as the "bad guy". This all blew up recently when my family came to my competition show up north and my sister's fiancé (whom is also a drug dealer and narcissist), decided to not pay for his meal and left my fiancé and I to foot the entire bill and then later blamed us saying that he didn't have to because they traveled for my show and spent hundreds of dollars and I am simply ungrateful. I expected an apology as I brought it up to my sister in a conversation about 1 month later. My sister of course sided with her fiancé and reiterated exactly what he had said. They both somehow manipulated me into feeling guilty for bringing it up that he walked out on a restaurant bill. I knew that because I was dealing with narcissism, that I wouldn't get anywhere with either of them and so I told my sister that it was best I took a break from speaking with her. 4 months went by and the holidays came around last week, I found myself wanting to reconcile and somehow wanting harmony in my family. I believe this is primarily because I have been focusing on my Fiancé's supportive and loving family and thought that maybe I could iron out the issues and we could move forward in a more positive direction. I was ready to forgive and place it all in the past. I made a mistake by once again apologizing by sending them gifts and Christmas cards for nothing that I did wrong in order to try to reconcile with them. My sister must've contacted my mother right away after reading her card and they both planned to come up and visit me. I was unsure of their conversation as I am almost positive it was something along the lines of teaming up to prove how "wrong I am" as I am constantly still treated as the 14 year old rebel that I was in the past.

My fiancé and I recently decided on the time of year that we will be getting married as we have been in pre-marital classes and counseling going on 1 month and we are in such an amazing place in our relationship after almost 7 years of courting. I brought this to my mother's attention on the phone on Christmas Day and told her of our plans several times in the past, when we do plan to get married. She then proceeded to tell me that I couldn't get married around that time of year because my sister is marrying her fiancé and already chose a place and date, and that once again I have ruined a special time in my sister's life, I am rude, inconsiderate, and that I should be willing to change the date because I am causing stress in her life. She then called my sister to explain all of the above and my sister became infuriated with me and began texting me of how the world has to revolve around me, I have stressed out my mother for far too long, and then attempted to placed more guilt on me by saying that she had wanted me to be a part of her special day but was unsure because I had stopped speaking with her months prior. Her fiancé also sent me numerous text messages about how I have caused stress to the entire family, I am selfish, and never present (although I live over 4 hours away), and that he has a close relationship with all of my family members except for me, and that he "replaced" me with another friend (for my sister) with my same name and so my sister does not need me, but is still "hurt" by my actions.

Although I have all of this success in my career and love from from my fiancé's family as well as close Christian mentors, and a counselor.. I feel hurt and as though I am wrong somehow. I am unsure of how to go on and plan a wedding without help from my own family or even how to take in all of this information. Please help!
Drop your family. Seriously, they sound like a gaggle of f*cktards.

If they're at all involved w/ your wedding, uninvolve -- and uninvite -- them.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 02:01 PM
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Re: First Time Posting/Family Scapegoat

Quote:
Originally Posted by FaithfullyNik View Post
Hi All! This is my first time posting on a forum, I apologize in advance for any errors. A basic run down of my background is that I am a 29 year old female, successful in my career, and have been with my current fiancé for almost 7 years. I had a very torturous childhood. My father is a sociopath that was in prison for drug dealing when I was right around 10-11 years old didn't get out until I was almost 18 years old, my mother (a rape victim from her father) was never present and constantly "working" and promiscuous throughout my father's imprisonment, and my narcissistic sister who was raised by her best friend's family that was extremely wealthy. I was left to fend for myself with little to no guidance, simple things such as lunch money and clothing were typically given to me out of guilt by my father's family growing up. Without having to explain a ton because I could write an entire book..

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Impressed you typed that all on an iPhone. And congrats for working your way out of a situation that often ruins a person for life.

Your life will get better when you start building it around healthy people. I do not read any crazy in your story at all, and usually that shows up in a post if its there.

But in truth we are all a little crazy, we all screw up and we are all inconsiderate from time to time. But normal healthy people buffer that with people they care about and work to keep the relationship mutually beneficial and positive. If grievance dominates a relationship you have with someone, or some group, it that way to control you. Narcissism runs in families by nature and nurture.

Cut the cord. We can't choose your family but we can choose our friends and who we spend time with. And in time close friends become like family.

You don't have to cease all contact, but their poop has to cease mattering to you.

Good luck.

SE

Learning Stuff on TAM I should have picked up in High School
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 02:16 PM
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Re: First Time Posting/Family Scapegoat

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
Drop your family. Seriously, they sound like a gaggle of f*cktards.

If they're at all involved w/ your wedding, uninvolve -- and uninvite -- them.


Hard as it may be to not have your family at your wedding they sound as if they will just ruin the day for you anyway.

My W and I both had fairly large weddings first time around and just a very small simple one with her family and my D when we got married. You soon realize that the wedding day is about the marriage and each other and not about the day itself. You do not need anyone at your wedding who isn't there for the sole reason of seeing you happy and starting your future life together.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 03:58 PM
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Re: First Time Posting/Family Scapegoat

These people may be your family but they are toxic! I would cut them off if only to make sure you aren't in one of their homes when they get busted for drug possession. Take care of yourself -they obviously aren't going to.

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 10:17 PM
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Re: First Time Posting/Family Scapegoat

I have a sister who is like this also. She makes everything about her and she lives in my apartment for free without contributing anything since her boyfriend left her almost a year ago with my niece. With this sister, it's that no matter what I do to help, bills I pay, advice SHE asks for, it's never good enough. It's not even my job to take care of her because she is 29 years old with a Master's degree and sits pretty focusing on things that are not important. Fortunately, she was just accepted into further grad school for ph.D. and I'm so glad that she's leaving. When she doesnt get her away...it's always about her and what everyone did wrong around her. She is not healthy for me.

And the way you described your family, your mom and your sister/fiance are not healthy for you. I agree with a lot of commentors here that your wedding day is about you and your husband. I'm really happy to hear that your fiance's family loves and accepts you as is and that you are working hard to have a successful life with him. That's what really matters. Build your life with him because he is your new family. Your old family's relationship does not sound like it will improve. Easier said than done, but you have to let them go and focus on your new family that you want to build.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 10:33 PM
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Re: First Time Posting/Family Scapegoat

When you grow older you will learn that just because people are your flesh and blood does not make them 'family' Family is your friends, your fiance, his family etc.
I have learned through the years that it is better to remove toxic people and leaches from my life.You family sound toxic and leach like, you do not need them in your life. Enjoy what you have, you do not have to prove anything to them. You owe them nothing.
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 11:01 PM
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Re: First Time Posting/Family Scapegoat

FaithfullyNik,

Your family is very toxic. Do you really want people like them in your life? When you have children, do you want your children around them? Around drug dealers/criminals?

It's clear that what you want is a 'normal' and loving family. But that's not what you have. You need to accept this and get on with your life. They will not change and will cause problems in your marriage.

Embrace your fiancé's family. Make them your family.
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