Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please help - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 09:17 PM Thread Starter
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Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please help

Thank you Ms. EleGirl, Ms. MJJEAN, Ms. EllisRedding, Ms. Blondilocks, Ms. jld, Ms. SimplyAmorous, Sir NoChoice, Ms. ShatteredStill, Sir arbitrator, Ms. oceanbreeze for your inputs/advice. Thank you very much.


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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 01:47 AM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

He chased you for 2 years and over time your relationship grew through several stages: friendship, platonic friendship, boy/girl friend, to marriage.

It's a pretty normal relationship that grew over time.

Why do you feel a need to define each stage of your relationship?

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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 06:44 AM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

For 2 years, you were platonic friends. Then the relationship evolved into a romantic relationship and, eventually, a marriage. But, in the beginning, you were just friends.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 07:14 AM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Why do you feel a need to define each stage of your relationship?
Agreed, why do you feel the need to define the first 2 years?

If you really want to define it, I would say you friendzoned him for 2 years. Honestly, just thank your lucky stars that he didn't just move on to greener pastures over those 2 years ...

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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 07:31 AM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

The first two years are called the pursuit. He was enamored and you weren't. He persevered and won you over. Cue wedding bells. End of story.

Is there a bet riding on this?
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 08:33 AM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

Jasmine, are you wondering why your husband loved you so much, even though your mother seemingly did not? Are you wondering why he sees you as so valuable, and worth waiting for, when your mother treated you as someone of low value?

I am really sorry your mother did not cherish you. She was very lucky to have you for a daughter. I am sorry she did not realize that.

I hope your husband will always treat you as well as he has. He seems like a very good man, especially with his insistence on transparency in the relationship.

He has the right values, jasmine. And he obviously has very good taste.

You are a very good woman, and he knows how lucky he is. Please do not be afraid to trust and bask in his love for you. You are worth every bit of it.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 07:09 AM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

I actually see the whole story as his being a true Gentleman and a very very very rare find in this world.. you are a dang lucky lady my dear.... a testament to his love for you..

I am wondering how he withstood you not being more attracted to him for 2 full years.. that is some Crazy Faith & putting down his hormones for Love... and believing somehow this would all work out.. ..

My question is : Why did it take YOU this long to realize what a catch HE was ?? if anything.. any other man would not have waited around like that.. was you not initially attracted to him physically...I can't imagine getting that close to a man, emotionally -feeling some attraction and pushing away his advances...

I surely understand him doing what he did.. the kissing of the hand / sucking.. trying to Reach you... stir something in you..

I see this as HIS pursuit with a whole lotta Faith and perseverance..He must be a really confident guy as well... If I was him.. I'd surely question your attraction to him, given these beginnings.. .. How old are you both?


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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 07:37 AM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

OP,
Your first two years can be described rather easily as one sided. He realized early on that he cared deeply for you and was willing to put in the time to see if his feelings would be reciprocated. Many marriages today are just as your first two years were. One person is in love and the other is not. Be thankful that you move beyond that, or did you? Do you have those feelings for him? Is this the reason for your questioning the first two years? Or did you simply "give in" to his persistence and are now wondering why? If you do not care for him as he does for you then you should talk with him about it. If you do feel the same, then simply enjoy your happy marriage, a rarity in this day and age indeed.

Peace and long life
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 06:02 PM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

Sometimes, like your husband, a person just knows that they've met 'the one' for them. Just waiting, being friends, being close, getting to know each other is enough. You weren't with other men, having different relationships. He only had eyes for you.

For some reason, usually past & family issues, we aren't ready to take the leap of faith quite yet. Your husband did the honorable thing & waited until you trusted him & had faith in your 'happily ever after'. That's a really great thing!! He was courting you. Your relationship, your "Love Story" started at the beginning.

That's the way my husband & I see things. It's not about when we first kissed or first made love or first said out loud that we were partners...It's when our love story started & that's the day that we first met. If someone asks how long we've been together we reply "We've been together for 26 years & married for 20 years" because that's how it is.

Please remember that a REAL love story has highs AND lows. One day everything will not be perfect. You are going to have disagreements & you are going to get into ruts. That's life! As I said, I've been with my husband for over 26 years. I confess that there have been times when I don't even like him very much. Other times I still get butterflies in my tummy just looking at him as he walks into the room. That's what love & marriage is. It's about the commitment, the promise, that we will ALWAYS be together "For better & worse...Until death us do part".

That's what you have to stay true to. Always communicate. Never give-up. What ever life throws at you, work through it TOGETHER with honesty & love & commitment. If you know that you will NEVER divorce, you will battle through anything & TALK about your concerns, fears & hopes knowing that you want the very best possible relationship that you can. The alternative is being miserable together & who wants that?

So your love story started the day that you met & he started to court you & it will end the day that the last one of you dies. I wish you nothing but the best from life. You have married a gentleman. I hope that you both stay true & cherish each other forever.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 07:53 PM
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Cool Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

You married the preeminent gentleman who loves you, despite all of your so-called "deficiencies," with all of his heart ~ enough to constantly pursue you and to win your heart right over to his!

Always remember to love him in the very same way ~ you've got an absolute "keeper" there, young lady!



"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 09:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 09:47 PM Thread Starter
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 06:15 PM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

Hello,

Wow, I feel like I read so much with your post from love story to the sadness of the relationship of your mom towards you. I did not have a positive relationship with my father and sometimes, here and there, he always comes back in my life to say or do something nice. But my father knows what he did and accepts the way the relationship is.

I am really saddened that your mother does not accept your future children. I come from a mixed household. My mother is African (liberian) German born and raised in Germany and my father is from Philippines (Filipino, Spanish, Chinese (Cantonese) and Armenian). My husband is Chinese Vietnamese but came to the US at toddler age and because of the environment he grew up in...it's not quite Chinese/Vietnamese culture he carries. He really has acculturated to American culture; unlike myself. My parents still instilled in me our culture and values from both countries of Germany and Philippines (the countries where my parents were from).

I completely understand the stress of losing face. Before, I was married to high school sweet heart. We were together 9 years, he was Chinese American but did not hold his culture...some values, yes like honoring grandparents and parents. My mom liked him, but my dad opposed him as a person, not because of his culture. My father wanted to do an arrange marriage, but I opposed that. Luckily, now I am with a new husband who was also my friend/strictly platonic neighbor for 3 years before anything happened or blossomed. And yes, he's easily jealous, emotional type, but lately he has gotten better and supportive.

We are about the same age. Next month I will be 31 years and his original birthday will be on Lunar New Year this week, 40 years old (when he moved to the US, the US gave him Jan 1st for New Years birthday) and our child is due any day now. A child is a blessing and if your mom says such hurtful things then I would not allow her to come around your child. Your husband and you are blossoming a new family.

And also, if you can, develop relationships with other motherly figure friends. I have my mother, but I have also learned to develop mother figure friends who care about me as well. I am fortunate to have a Godmom (who is actually my previous work supervisor) from Taiwan. I have developed relationships with my neighbor's parents who said I am like their extended family because I watch out and help them as they have done the same for me. You are also fortunate to have your mother in law and she will care about your child because it is of her son. Your mom's heart MIGHT change if she sees her grandchild, but if not, I would advise you to be strong to cut ties with her because you need to move on, too, to give yourself and your husband a chance to build a new family.
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