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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 09:17 PM Thread Starter
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Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please help

Hello, I'm sorry for the Longgg post ahead.. I know everyone time is precious, so please just skip it if you don't have a few minutes to spare (okay 10 minutes to spare, it very longgg). And I apologize for my not so good English grammars. I'm Chinese and English is my third language.
Not expect anyone to make it through reading this. But thank you very much for spare few minutes of your precious time attempt to read it. Happy New Year 2017 and hope everyone is having a great year ahead with your family and loved ones.

My childhood was dysfunctional (my mother abused and belittle me throughout my whole childhood; abused me mentally, verbally, emotionally. And when I was 12 one time she physically beaten me that resulted in me got taken away to Foster Home).. She strip down all my self-worth. My mother destroyed me. But I forgave her, and forgave everything she did to me. After all, she gave birth to me; without her I wouldn't be here in this world.
In my adulthood I'm very fortunate and blessed to have a husband that loves me in every possible way that he can. He accepted everything about me, accepted me for who I am.. Past or present, he treats me really really well. I have no regrets this lifetime.

Since I met him--from acquaintance to friends--to dating--to marriage--to this day; it been peaceful and loving, completely drama-free. Marriage also have been peaceful and loving. Heck, we don't even fight or argue. Thank you to patience and effort. He ridiculously patience, patience and patience, and still ridiculously patience.
He worries and secure everything from emotionally to financially, so I can live a stable steady and comfy life.. The comfy life to everything I have is all thank you to he gives me.
...........
I have a question, I will explain further below.. Both me and my husband we are Not westerners/Not Europeans/Not Americans. So maybe it just his culture and my culture kindda thing.


I went from the girl in his neighborhood to friends with him--friends who share everything with each other, to dating/committed relationship. And now to being married (spouses).
I have known him for 5 years. The first 2 years knowing each others, we were 'just friends' only/platonic friends (Not even a kiss, let alone sex).. Despite I know he chase and chase me, but I wanted to be 'just friends' only. I use the 2 years time to slowly 'Observe' him, get to know him really well before I agreed be his girlfriend.
Because of our close distance, especially when your the girl in his neighborhood, seeing each others day in and day out; it not hard to get to know him well. His apartment was 5 minutes within walking distance from my apartment.

I thought the 2 years being 'just friends' with him--that would be enough time for him to give up chasing me.. But as we getting to know each others, seem like the feelings he has for me developed more and more over time. He waited for me.
He was fine with just be my friend getting to know me more and more, while waiting me to agree to be his GF. He said he wait for me, he waited..
The 2 year she chase me, he said it himself, there no one but me.. He said he will wait until I'm ready/agree to be his GF.
I know I didn't see him bring any girl back to this neighborhood, he didn't date anyone.
I guess perhaps he was just waiting for me to say yes, agreed to be his GF so it can be official.
.............
Anyways, I was touch by his sincere and persistent chasing me. After 2 years of being friends with him, knowing him and knowing him really well; I agreed to be his girlfriend, and the rest is history.
I only have him and only him (I was still a virgin when I met him). He is the only guy I've ever been with, he is my first everything.. I want to skip the part when we in our commited relationship--as his GF. And when we married--as his wife. I just want to concentrate on the part in the first 2 years knowing each others (before I agreed to be his GF), because this is where my question is.
I'm trying to figure out, my question is what is the right word to describe our relationship with each others in the first 2 years knowing him. Was it simply just 'platonic friends'? Since there was No sex, no kissing on the lips. Hell, I don't even let him kiss me on the cheek. So I guess we can said that we were 'just friends/platonic friends' right?.. But then it seem like we not simply just platonic friends in that 2 years, because I know since the begining he was chasing me. He keep chase and chase me, keep asked me to be his GF. But I keep gave him a No answer, so he keep wait and wait. If you can continue read and help me please.


-----------------------------------------------------------
okay, so how we met? I'm the girl in his neighborhood.. First time saw his face, and he keeps stare and stare at me. Everytime he see me, he just stood there look and look at me. Like when ran into him at the parking lot--the the apartment neighborhood parking area; same again, he just stood there and stare at me.
Then more times we ran into each others. Like when he see me carried alot of grocery bags, he helped carry all my groceries bags for me. Or he helped carry my laundry baskets. I guess we were acquaintance..

He very nice to me, he helps carried my laundry baskets, carried my supermarket bags, carried all heavy stuff for me.
He very respectful. Never once he asked to come inside or force himself in my apartment. He helps carried my laundry, carried my supermarkets bags; and he just leave it right in front my door at my doorstep. He never he asked to come inside, he never came near my door. I guess he didn't want to scare me off. (I live alone with a little poodle).
He also help fix my car.. (we live in a state that prone to earthquakes) He use stupid excuses to see me more like he wants to carry those 5 gallons big water bottles to my apartment, to make sure have water for emergency use. He always find reasons and excuses to see me more.

Then he get kindda extreme.. He purposely chose the public staircase that closest to my apartment, quietly sit there and wait for me. Day by day gone by whenever he back from work and have the freetime, he would come back to this same stairscase wait and wait.
My staircase is facing the parking lot, so I have no choice but to passed by this stairs and passed by him in order to get to my apartment. This staircase is where he waited for me alot.
We live a very crowded and HCOL state, and right in the city. It a big neighrbohood, crowded all kinds of noise everywhere. Apartments are left & right--above & below all close to each others. All apartments buildings here have staircase and have lights on too, there alot of staircase in this neighborhood. These stairs are not my stairs, not my property. It just happen to be the staircase most closest to my apartment.

He very respectful. He never come near my door or bother me. He just quietly sit outside the stairs to wait for me. In cold weather, he still came back to this same staircase sit and wait for me.
(when we became friends); he confessed that he wants to get to know me more, wants to see me more. So he chose the public staicase closest to my apartment to sit outside and wait, hope to see me when I came home.
oh, and I keep don't want to give him my number, despite he keep asked for my #, but I said No. I drag it, it took him multiple tries before I gave it to him.
After I gave him my phone #, I guess from acquaintance now we became friends.. He would call and asked if it okay he wants to see me. If it convenient and okay with me, if I would step outside to see him. We just friends, hanging out outside, talking getting to know each others.
Alot of times he still wait for me outside my staircase--We very close in distance, it just few minutes for him to walk to my apartment; he said he wants to see me and he wait for me outside my stairs. (ofcourse if it okay for me to step outside to see him).
He knows I live alone with a little poodle, so I guess he doesn't want to scare me off? He just quietly sat outside my staircase awit for me. Never once he asked to come inside my apartment. Never come near my door.

I know very well he wanted to chase me, but I didn't give in. We were just friends, seeing each others day in day out, talk and getting to know each others kindda thing.
When he come back from work and have the freetime, he always wanted to see me and spend time wiith me.
He would call and asked if it okay he wants to see me. If it convenient and okay with me, if I would step outside to see him.. It still always this same staircase he sat and waited for me.
Perhaps I shouldn't give him hope. But I agreed to come outside to see him. We would just walk around the neighborhood and talk, getting to know each others learn more about each others.

We talk about about his culture and my culture, I learn more about him and he learn more about me. He also talk about his childhood memories to me, his school days, etc.. It just about getting to know each others, whatever topics arised during our conversation, we pretty much talk about anything.
We would walk around the neighborhood and talk. It quite a big neighborhood area here. If you start walking from the begin point to end point--the first building apartments straight to the last building apartments of this neighborhood, it will take you 10 minutes walk. So go and back that is 20 minutes walk.
We also go to the park nearby, just walk and talk. We live right in the city, so there there alot of places to go around. We go to Chinatown and eat Chinese food. We both also like to go around the crowded city and enjoy eating street food, lol
We also go groceries shopping together. He would go to Asian/Chinese supermarkets with me, to learn more about my culture food.

He make it very clear that he doesn't want to be 'just friends' with me. He asked me to be his GF so sooo many times. But I keep said No, and said I'm not ready.. Everytime he asked me to be his GF, I said No. So he keeps wait for me. He said he will wait until I'm ready/agree to be his GF.
Since there was No sex at.all., I can said that we were 'just friends'/platonic friends right?.. But then it seem like we more than just friends. His feelings for me just never go away. He very persistent, and very patience, keep waiting for me. We were friends, but then ugh.. he did things that I don't think a 'platonic friend' would do. I give some examples:

Like when we walk around the neighborhood and talk, he carry me on his back. Same with if we go to the nearby park, he still would carry me on his back.
Well, there times when he carried me on his arms; but I won't let him carry me on his arms because we 'just friends' only. However I did let him carried me on his back.
He 6'1"--he tall and slim, he very lean. There zero fat anywhere on his body. He been this skinny/slim body type all his life, he just very slim. I guess he has a fast metabolism..
Me--I'm very short height, I'm only 4'11" but I'm chubby. I dunno how can he carry me on his back. I guess physic wise if he is that much taller than me (14 inches taller than me), then it a piece of cake for him to carry me. Right? I dunno.

Anyways, it very peaceful between us, we steadily getting to know more about each others day by day. When he comes home from work, he wants to see me. So many many nights he carry me on his back and walk around the neighborhood and talk. (He doesn't let me walk, he said he wants to carry me).
There times when he carry me on his back walk, and he said things that I don't think a platonic friend would said. He said he just he wants to carry me on his back like this, he wants this moment to never passed. So he can be by my side. So he doesn't have to find ways to see me, find ways to bump into me. So he doesn't have to sit outside my staircase wait and wait for me.
(He did have to wait outside my staircase alot, just quietly sit outside my staircase wait and wait for me. So I guess I understand why he carry me on his back would make him happy).


----------------------------
Eventhough we were just platonic friends but we really close friends--we friends who talk and share everything with each others..
Maybe I gave him hope because (eventhough there were No sex), but we were also physically close. Like I let him carry me on his back walk around the neighborhood..
Or like when we sat outside the staircase and talk. He prefers I lay my head on his shoulder or on his chest. Well, I try not to put my head on his chest, because we 'just friends'. But I did lay my head on his shoulder. We were very close physically, his face and lips is like right at the top of my head. I mean when he talk, his lips were right at my forehead. There times when he kissed the top of my head.
I also let him hold my hands. When we sat outside the staircase at night, my hands get cold; he would open mouth breathed in my hands to help it warm and rubs my hands. He very caring.

He attentive too. For example, one time I asked him to help change he lightbulb on top of the ceiling in my living room. He helped change it for me.. And the next time see him, he said he bought something for me--he gave me a table lamp.
He went to went bought a table lamp gave me, he wants me to have a table lamp in my living room. He said when the lightbulb on top of ceiling dead, use the table lamp for light. And wait when he back from work he will come change the lightbulb on the ceiling for me.
I'm 4'11 so I always have to get a tall chair to climb up to change dead lightbulbs . Perhaps he afraid that I will fall off the chair or something, he doesn't want me to climb up on the chair at all.. He make it clear he doesn't want to see me climb on tall chair--to change the light bulb on top of the ceiling, or for whatever reason.
He know I have little doodle, so he often buy bags and bags of dog food gave me for my little doodle to eat.

He always stare and stare at me, like back when he met me. His eyes it intense.. Whenever we together, he always constantly look at me and look into my eyes.
Beside he did all those things. He also introduced me to his family; his mom and his older sister (the two immediately family members he has left and very close with. His dad deceased).
He loves his mom very very much.. Beside he has a very close relationship with his mom, he also has a very close relationship with his older sister. Eventhough his sister she married and have kids, have family of her own; but him and her still close.
He wants me to met his mom. He asked me to take me over to meet his mom. He also invited me to his mom have dinner with her.
Beside met his mom and his sister, I also met his childhood friends.

okay, then during the second year knowing him/second year into our friendship, he did something that I definately don't think platonic friend would do. Sorry for the TMI ahead..
One night we were sitting on the bench, as usual we talk. I let him hold my hands. And he did something that I don't know how to answer how can a platonic riends do something like this.
He hold my hands and he kiss my hand (perhaps because I won't let him kiss my lips, so he go for my hands?). But it those lingering deep kiss--open mouth kiss and sucking, I can feel his whole mouth on my hand, he sucking my hand. And he call my Chinese name and he said he loves me very much.
It hard to describe it but his eyes the way he looks at me, the way he kiss my hand, his voice the way he call my Chinese name and said he loves me very much. I can feel it that he very sincere.. I mean this guy chase and waited 2 years for me, he did make it clear that he will wait until I'm ready/agree to be his GF. But I didn't agree to be his GF, so we weren't dating. Right? I just don't understand how he--a platonic friend would kiss my hand that way.

And it just--the way he kiss my hand; I didn't know a guy can kissed a girl hand like that, he just unusual/not typical..
I know in that 2 years chase, I didn't let him kiss my lips, so I guess he go for my hands. But the way he kissed my hand it was like as if he was deep kiss my lips. I mean it was open mouth kiss and he was sucking on my hand. It not just only use his lips but his tounge too. And he call my Chinese name and he said he loves me very much. (I just didn't know something basic as a hand kiss, it can be that type of deep kiss even just on the hand).
I was touch at at that time. And what further touch me is even till today, he still kiss my hand like that (and we been married 2 years). And he still do it; like just last month he kissed my hands, he still open mouth kiss and sucking on my hand that way. And still call my Chinese name and said he loves me very much. He said he had sworn, for me, he willing to do anything.
As much as I hate to admit it, but I was touch, very touch.. It gets me everytime, I hate it when he does that to me. I mean I don't hate it, but it just that it gets me everytime. ugh..


You know because I'm the girl in his neighborhood, I thought after 5 years seeing me day in day out; he would be sick of me and leave.. But he still here, he still love me like day one. His love hasn't change.
He still is the love-idiot guy that back then quietly sat outside my staircase wait and wait for me..

Thinking back in that 2 years he chased me I sure did give him a hard time. I'm sure it because I'm the girl in his neighborhood/we see each other day in and day out, or else he wouldn't have this much patience.
Perhaps I test his love and patience. But I have no regrets being 'friends' with him in that 2 years, I get to know him really really well. We both learn alot about each others, know everything about each others. We friends who share everything with each others.--I'm sure that 2 years time was the fundamental foundation structure that build our relationship and hold us hold our relationship together.

Anyways, I was touch by his sincere and persistent. After that 2 years time frame, I agreed to be his GF. Yes, when we in our committed relationship I gave him sex (but that was "after" that 2 years).
He said he has feelings for me he loves me way before we have sex.. He said the 2 years when we 'just friends', seeing each others day in day out, he already love me at that time. Perhaps that why he keep waiting for me..
I know he said he loves me way before I became his GF, he loves me way before I agree to married him/become his wife, he loves me way before he sleep with me.
Everytime I asked him; when did he realized he have feelings for me? He gives me the same answer, he said he know he have feelings for me when he find himself keep coming back to the same stairscase sit there wait and wait for me.

I have known him 5 years, going on year 6. He is awesome awesome husband (we got married 2 years ago). Past or present, he treats me really really well. I'm very blessed to have him as my husband.. Let just skip the part where we were in our committed relationship, and the part where we married.
..................
My question is what were our relationship in that first 2 years knowing him (if you make it through reading all this, it the 2 years in the content of this post)..Was it simply just 'platonic friends'? Because there was No sex, no kissing on the lips. I don't even let him kiss me on the cheek, let alone sex. So I can say we were 'just friends/platonic friends' right? Furthermore because everytime he asked me to be his GF, I keep gave him a No answer. So he keeps wait and wait for me in that 2 years, while chase me and being friends with me till I agree to be his GF..
But then as you can see he did alot of love-idiot things, things that I really don't think simply a platonic friend would do. I don't know how to explain why he did all those things he did.
A friend of mine she said I can described it as we were "seeing each others". But how can in that 2 years we be were 'seeing each others' when I didn't agree to be his GF? I not sure what is the right word to describe our relationship in that 2 years--can I said that we were together, would it count? I mean all those things he did, it Not things that a platonic male friend would do right? (Hell, I don't even know how to explain that hand kiss of his). How would you describe a relationship of two people live in the same neighborhood like that--Would you count that 2 years time frame as we "together"? Or simple it just 'his chase'? Since I didn't agree to be his GF until "after" that 2 years, so it wouldn't count as we were together in that 2 years right?
.........
oh, and the one poster help gave me advice she said she would call it 'courting/courtship'; but isn't courting is the same as chasing? So this 2 years he courting/chasing me, spending time with him day in day out, does it count as 'together'? Or it only count as "together" AFTER I agree to be his GF? (and that was after his 2 years chase).
ugh.. it bother me that I don't know the answer to this question.
Thank you very much for reading, if you can help give me your inputs/viewpoint please, I really appreciate it.



If need live translation, I be more than happy to help. Chinese here & here. Vietnamese here.
LONG& TMI(Regard something my DH did 10 years ago); just so hard for me to understand

Last edited by jasmine31; 01-12-2017 at 02:29 AM.
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 01:47 AM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

He chased you for 2 years and over time your relationship grew through several stages: friendship, platonic friendship, boy/girl friend, to marriage.

It's a pretty normal relationship that grew over time.

Why do you feel a need to define each stage of your relationship?
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 06:44 AM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

For 2 years, you were platonic friends. Then the relationship evolved into a romantic relationship and, eventually, a marriage. But, in the beginning, you were just friends.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 07:14 AM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Why do you feel a need to define each stage of your relationship?
Agreed, why do you feel the need to define the first 2 years?

If you really want to define it, I would say you friendzoned him for 2 years. Honestly, just thank your lucky stars that he didn't just move on to greener pastures over those 2 years ...

Last edited by EllisRedding; 01-06-2017 at 07:25 AM.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 07:31 AM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

The first two years are called the pursuit. He was enamored and you weren't. He persevered and won you over. Cue wedding bells. End of story.

Is there a bet riding on this?
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 08:33 AM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

Jasmine, are you wondering why your husband loved you so much, even though your mother seemingly did not? Are you wondering why he sees you as so valuable, and worth waiting for, when your mother treated you as someone of low value?

I am really sorry your mother did not cherish you. She was very lucky to have you for a daughter. I am sorry she did not realize that.

I hope your husband will always treat you as well as he has. He seems like a very good man, especially with his insistence on transparency in the relationship.

He has the right values, jasmine. And he obviously has very good taste.

You are a very good woman, and he knows how lucky he is. Please do not be afraid to trust and bask in his love for you. You are worth every bit of it.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 07:09 AM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

I actually see the whole story as his being a true Gentleman and a very very very rare find in this world.. you are a dang lucky lady my dear.... a testament to his love for you..

I am wondering how he withstood you not being more attracted to him for 2 full years.. that is some Crazy Faith & putting down his hormones for Love... and believing somehow this would all work out.. ..

My question is : Why did it take YOU this long to realize what a catch HE was ?? if anything.. any other man would not have waited around like that.. was you not initially attracted to him physically...I can't imagine getting that close to a man, emotionally -feeling some attraction and pushing away his advances...

I surely understand him doing what he did.. the kissing of the hand / sucking.. trying to Reach you... stir something in you..

I see this as HIS pursuit with a whole lotta Faith and perseverance..He must be a really confident guy as well... If I was him.. I'd surely question your attraction to him, given these beginnings.. .. How old are you both?
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 07:37 AM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

OP,
Your first two years can be described rather easily as one sided. He realized early on that he cared deeply for you and was willing to put in the time to see if his feelings would be reciprocated. Many marriages today are just as your first two years were. One person is in love and the other is not. Be thankful that you move beyond that, or did you? Do you have those feelings for him? Is this the reason for your questioning the first two years? Or did you simply "give in" to his persistence and are now wondering why? If you do not care for him as he does for you then you should talk with him about it. If you do feel the same, then simply enjoy your happy marriage, a rarity in this day and age indeed.

Peace and long life
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 06:02 PM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

Sometimes, like your husband, a person just knows that they've met 'the one' for them. Just waiting, being friends, being close, getting to know each other is enough. You weren't with other men, having different relationships. He only had eyes for you.

For some reason, usually past & family issues, we aren't ready to take the leap of faith quite yet. Your husband did the honorable thing & waited until you trusted him & had faith in your 'happily ever after'. That's a really great thing!! He was courting you. Your relationship, your "Love Story" started at the beginning.

That's the way my husband & I see things. It's not about when we first kissed or first made love or first said out loud that we were partners...It's when our love story started & that's the day that we first met. If someone asks how long we've been together we reply "We've been together for 26 years & married for 20 years" because that's how it is.

Please remember that a REAL love story has highs AND lows. One day everything will not be perfect. You are going to have disagreements & you are going to get into ruts. That's life! As I said, I've been with my husband for over 26 years. I confess that there have been times when I don't even like him very much. Other times I still get butterflies in my tummy just looking at him as he walks into the room. That's what love & marriage is. It's about the commitment, the promise, that we will ALWAYS be together "For better & worse...Until death us do part".

That's what you have to stay true to. Always communicate. Never give-up. What ever life throws at you, work through it TOGETHER with honesty & love & commitment. If you know that you will NEVER divorce, you will battle through anything & TALK about your concerns, fears & hopes knowing that you want the very best possible relationship that you can. The alternative is being miserable together & who wants that?

So your love story started the day that you met & he started to court you & it will end the day that the last one of you dies. I wish you nothing but the best from life. You have married a gentleman. I hope that you both stay true & cherish each other forever.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 07:53 PM
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Cool Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

You married the preeminent gentleman who loves you, despite all of your so-called "deficiencies," with all of his heart ~ enough to constantly pursue you and to win your heart right over to his!

Always remember to love him in the very same way ~ you've got an absolute "keeper" there, young lady!



"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 09:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

I met him when I was 26, he was 25 (he one year younger than me in age).
The first 2 years knowing him, he keep chased and chased me. When I agreed to be his GF, I was 28, he was 27.
.............
Maybe it our cultures, but men in his culture and in my culture don't do things like that with a girl they just platonic friends with.. There a poster who help gave me advice, she said it was courting/courtship. It definately not simply as 'just friends/platonic friends'. I dunno, I guess different people have different ways of interpreting things. I do want to hear a wide variety viewpoints on it from others and learn from others.
What I know is the 2 year she chase me, he said it himself, there no one but me.. He said he will wait until I'm ready/agree to be his GF.
I know I didn't see him bring any girl back to this neighborhood, he didn't date anyone.
I guess he was just waiting for me to say yes, agreed to be his GF so it can be official.

Anyways, we got married 2 years ago (married him when I was 29, he was 28).
So it been 5 years knowing him, married to him--as his wife for 2 years.
I just turn 32, and he 31 (he turn 31 at the end of Sept).

As for how he chased me. Yes, he unsual/not typical, the way he chased it very different from other men. But perhaps it just a his culture kinidda thing and how he was raised. He Not westerners/Not Europeans/Not Caucasian/Not Americans.

As for his childhood. His dad deceased when he was at young age. So you see, he was raised by 2 women: his mom and his older sister. And they're the only two blood immediate family members he has left.
His (homeland)--he come from a country that is a patriarchy culture. But he was raised in a matriarchy household, as he was raised by his mom and his older sister.. But then eventhough he grow up in the matriarchy household, they raised him by their culture where they from, and their culture is a patriarchy culture. After his dad deceased, his mom continue raised him just like when his dad was alive taught and raised him (the patriarchy culture).
I guess he has both in him, the matriarchy and patriarchy.

He born in the U.S. though, but his parents raised him in the culture of their homeland.

I'm sexually attracted to him. He handsome. Not only he slim and good looking. He more than well-endowed and beyond well-hung. He loving and caring in bed, just like his love-idiot self outside of bed. Sex feels ridiculously good, I don't even know where I'm at anymore during sex, the pleasure it intense.
He 6'1" tall, slim and very lean. There zero fat anywhere on his body. He been this skinny/slim body type all his life. I see his childhood pictures and even when he was a little boy he already slim/skinny.
I'm attracted to him. But perhaps it my abusive childhood; my mother never love me, therefore I don't know what love is. All my adulthood, I just want to be alone with my little poodle and die alone. Marriage, husband, children is something never cross my mind.
I share this in my OP: [ My childhood was dysfunctional (my mother abused and belittle me throughout my whole childhood; abused me mentally, verbally, emotionally. And when I was 12 one time she physically beaten me that resulted in me got taken away to Foster Home).. She strip down all my self-worth. My mother destroyed me. My mother destroyed me.. I left my mother house more than a decade ago. But But I forgave her, and forgave everything she did to me. After all, she gave birth to me; without her I wouldn't be here in this world. ]
I need to work on my self-worth. Perhaps I never love myself, I'm not worthy of love..
I keep testing his patience in that 2 years, hope that he would gave up chasing me; but he didn't give up, or else there won't be us today.

I share alot about my mother and my childhood in a mommie-baby site that I'm a frequent poster on (it a community forum for mommies, pregnancy, women who TTC, etc.. where women talk to other women for advice and support).. And the ladies there said it is very common for someone who had an abusive childhood, growing up Not feel worthy of love. They keep testing the guy love and patience hope he run away. It self-sabotage, wanting to push the guy love them away.

I admit the first 2 years knowing him, I was testing his love and patience. But then day in day out seeing him spending time with him, I realized I also have feelings for him. I don't want to keep make him wait and wait therefore I accepted to be his GF.. Welp, not only he got me to date him but he succeeded got me to married him too, so I guess he won. :-)

I do love him. I'm sexually attracted to him.. He is the only guy I've ever been with, he is my first everything (when I met him, I was still a virgin). That 2 year she chase me I don't know how to initiate to him. And in my Confucian traditional Chinese culture I was taught and grow up with, it didn't teach us girls to initiate to men.. Plus he not from my culture, not in a million years would I think or would know I grow up will married someone who not Chinese--not from the same culture as me. You know since I was a little girl all I know is I grow up will married a Chinese guy have a Chinese husband.
Love him (who is not Chinese), want to be with him is like a huge step out of my comfort zone.. Love him means I go against myself, I go against my culture. I go against what I was taught while growing up, I go against what I know my whole life. Kwim?

I tried to suppress my feelings for him, but he won.. After his 2 years chase, I agreed to be his GF. When we in our committed relationship; he did initiate sex, but I told him I wasn't ready. He very respectful, He said he will wait for me till I was ready. He waited, he very patience.
We were in our committed relationship, and I love him. Plus I know when I agreed to move in live together, I know sex will happened. Well, sex happened when we moved in living together.
And he wanted us to get married, he proposed. He make it very clear that he wants to married me. It like he must married me. I wasn't pregnant when we married. He was just very keen on tied the knot.

Back when we live together; there times when he hugged me, stare and stare at me and then hug me, and said we go get married, go get married right now, we go register for marriage right now. He said he wants to be by my side, he wants to spend his life with me. He said he loves me very much.
..I did hug him back when he hugged me, and I pretty much just smile. At the time I really didn't know how to answer him--I was pretty much blank, and I was nervous.
(From met, to accquantaince to friends, to his long chase to we date, to now we been married. He always stare and stare at me. We been married, and he still stare at me that exact same way.. He still intense. The loving way he looks at me now is still the exact same way he looked at me back when he chased me).

You know because I'm the girl in his neighborhood, I thought after 5 years seeing me day in day out; he would be sick of me and leave.. But he still here, he still love me like day one. His love hasn't change.
He still is the love-idiot guy that back then quietly sat outside my staircase wait and wait for me.. He still hasn't change, nothing about him change.


------------------------------------------------
He always likes to do unsual/not typical things.. I remember 2 years ago when I first joined the mommie-baby site where I'm a frequent poster on. My first thread in there was askling if my husband is normal or not because he kiss my butt cheek. And here 2 years later, I still don't understand why my husband still kiss my butt cheek. Perhaps my husband is unusual/'not very normal', lol

He kiss my butt cheek whenever we in bed together. Naked or clothed, underwear or short on, he still likes to kiss it. He do it every chance he gets.
I have the bad habit of sleeping on my stomach. And I lay in bed on my stomach sometimes playing on my laptop/phone. Or just lay in bed on my stomach.. Whenever he see me lay on my stomach, he would kiss my butt cheek. Or simply as when he walk in the bedroom and see me laying flat on my stomach.

I guess he really want to kiss it because when it chilly weather, sometimes I have part of the blanket over my butt--so.. even if my butt is cover, If he came in see me lay on my stomach, he gently move the blanket off and kiss my butt cheek, and put the blanket back on for me.

I dunno, but he kiss my butt cheek every chance he gets. okay, I don't mind (afterall he married him, I agreed to married him). I learn to get used to it, I learn to 'his' way of showing affection.. It just that it not the 'norms' in my Chinese culture.
And it been over 2 years (we live together prior to marriage, so if you count that it been over 2 years) and he still keep doing it, I guess that make him um.. somewhat unusual.
...........
He said he have nothing to be embarrassed about that he kiss his "wife" butt cheek, that his reasoning. He said he have nothing to be embarrassed, because I'm his 'wife'.
We got married 2 year ago, and he still do what he do.
He still give me the reasoning that he have nothing to be embarrassed about that he kiss his 'wife' butt cheek.. I just dunno how to response back to him when he give a reasoning like that.

He very respectful. He doesn't bite, doesn't slap, doesn't gropes, doesn't spank my butt, not even a light spank.
He just simply put his lips on my butt cheek and kiss it, a gentle slow kiss type.
...when I get dress, sometimes I look at my butt in the mirror and I keep wondering why he likes to kiss it? I just don't understand. I just don't get him.
When he around don't let him see my butt, or else I know exactly what he gonna do.

It random kisses he gives me daily, kisses that not related to sex at all.. If he gets in bed and see me sitting instead of laying down, he kiss my shoulders. If he see me laying flat on my stomach, he kiss my butt cheek.
This is just not typical.. Perhaps "Not typical" and "unsual" is the right word to describe him.

And what further not 'typical/unusual' is regardless of where he kiss on my body--his kiss never the quick peck type. I never get a peck from him. He kiss like he taste you, taste your body type of thing.. His kiss is weird; because if he can't taste me, then to him it not a kiss.

Heck, even something basic as kiss my hand, it still not a peck. I never get a peck from him, not even on my hand.
Back when he chased me, he kissed my hand. It just--the way he kiss my hand; I didn't know a guy can kissed a girl hand like that, he just unusual/not typical..
I know in that 2 years chase, I didn't let him kiss my lips, so I guess he go for my hands. But the way he kissed my hand it was like as if he was deep kiss my lips. I mean it was open mouth kiss and he was sucking on my hand. It not just only use his lips but his tounge too. And he call my Chinese name and he said he loves me very much. (I just didn't know something basic as a hand kiss, it can be that type of deep kiss even just on the hand).
I was touch at at that time. And what further touch me is even till today, he still kiss my hand like that (and we been married 2 years).
Last time he kiss my hands, he still open mouth kiss and sucking on my hand that way. And still call my Chinese name and said he loves me very much. He said he had sworn, for me, he willing to do anything.
As much as I hate to admit it, but I was touch, very touch.. It gets me everytime, I hate it when he does that to me. I mean I don't hate it, but it just that it gets me everytime. ugh..

If need live translation, I be more than happy to help. Chinese here & here. Vietnamese here.
LONG& TMI(Regard something my DH did 10 years ago); just so hard for me to understand

Last edited by jasmine31; 01-09-2017 at 03:51 AM.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 09:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

I'm Chinese, from Shanghai China. My whole family immigrant to the U.S when I was 12 years old.. Only my grandma is still in China.
My husband he Not westerners/Not Europeans/Not Caucasian/Not Americans. He come from another continent. His parents came here and then have him and his older sister here. He born in the U.S, I guess that make him first/second generation here.

His ethnicity is Irrelevant to me, what matter is he loves me and treats me well.. But to my mother it is his ethnicity that is why she disapproved him, discriminate against him and disrespect him.
My Chinese parents disapproved him. My mother gives me TREMENDOUS pressure, she just won't accept him at.all.. Even till this day she still haven't accept him as a person, let alone accept him as a son in-law.
My mother disapproved him since day one, disapproved my marriage. She insulted me and said alot of hurtful things..
She said I make her "Lose face", because I married my husband. Not only make her lose face to family, but also make her lose face to the Chinese community ('face' is something very important in my culture). She feels embarrassed and shameful about me. She very ashamed of me.

If I write out the insulting words my mother said about my husband, I just want to dig a hole and crawl in, or put a bag over my head; yes, it that terrible and hurtful.
My mom just so unfair to him. She doesn't even care to know his name, let alone his jobs or who he is as a person.. NEVER once she care enough to met him.
But then she judge him right off the bat, said beyond hurtful words about him, insulting him. She insult and disrespect him when she never met him before, Not even once. It just so unfair to him.

He knows all about my mother disapproved him, discriminate against him and disrespect him.
He knows all about my abusive childhood. He doesn't mind my emotional childhood baggage.. He doesn't care that my mother discriminate against him.
He accepted everything about me.. He accepted that this is our situation/circumstances. He wans us to face the situation and make the best out of it.

There No hate, No resentment in his heart. NEVER once I heard him say a criticize word or a disrespectful word about my mother.. NEVER once he complain a word about our situation/circumstances.
But then he never complain anyways. I Never heard him complain a word about his life, his jobs or anything life throw at him.. He said complain won't change anything. Don't run away, face the situation.

He loves me unconditionally.. He really patience, and really understanding of my abusive childhood. And understanding of my culture.
All he asked me for is promise to Communicate with him, talk to him. We will face all the hardship together.. My family disapproval of him, our huge cultural difference, whatever hardship throw at us; he believe we can make it. As long two people loves each others, two people willing to communicate with each others, willing to make the effort to work it out together.

This guy wasted 5 years of his life put up with my emotional childhood baggage. Despite I constantly test his love and patience, and make him wait and wait. He still have all the patience. He still here, his love still unconditionally.
I did test his love and patience for 3 years before I agreed to married him. (I make him waited 2 years before I agreed to be his girlfriend. and I make him wait another year before I agreed to married him). And he patiencely waited for me. I know he eventually won me over and got me agreed to married him, but still.. he waited for me alot.
.........
Despite how much I test his love and patience..
I guess it still not good enough for my mother, not good enough for her to give one single chance to met him. After 5 years and she still doesn't care to met him, Not even one time. This is like an indirect slap in his face to let him know how much she discriminate against him and disrespect him.

I blame myself everyday for how my mother treats him.. IF he didn't married me. IF he married another girl, I bet his life would be happier--at least he have a MIL that respect him and accept him for who he is, accept him for who he is as a person. I feel terrible for him.
I blame myself everyday that I can't give him a MIL, married to me he won't be able to have any in-laws. Our future children won't be able to have a maternal grandma (maternal grandparents) like others children out there.. My mother called my future children dirty. According to my mother words, my future children are equally "Dirty" and shameful just like me--their mom.

It just hurts and hurts Alot. When the woman who gave birth to me, bring me to this world. But belittle me, insult me, spit in my face and call me dirty. Said I'm dirty and full of shame.. In her eyes, I'm nothing but just a dirty and shameful girl.
My own mother spit in my face; yes you read it right (the woman who gave birth to me but belittle me, insult me; spit in my face and call me dirty).
If you ever have anyone spit in your face before, you know exactly how it feels.. I'm sorry but to me it is one of the worst thing that you can do to someone. I find that my mother spit in my face is worser damage (emotionally) than she slap me in my face. I rather have she just slap me in my face, to me that would be less painful than she spit in my face. It just hurts and hurts and hurts.
It hurts alot that my own mother is ashamed of me.. She also said if she knows I grow up married who I married, she rather not give birth to me. I find it really hurtful that she is my mother but she said she regrets gave birth to me.
It hurts alot that she my mom but called me 'Dirty', called my future children 'Dirty'.. She also said DO NOT ever bring those dirty grandchildren back to see her.
She make it very clear that when I'm pregnant, don't bring my dirty stomach back to see her, I'm not welcome nor is my dirty stomach.. And she said after I give birth, don't bring that dirty shameful baby in her house.
...............
I grief and grief alot. Children are innocent, I don't know why my mom have the heart to call my future children dirty, and call my stomach dirty. I just don't understand my mother.

She make it loud and clear to Do Not ever bring my dirty children back to see her, my children are not welcome.. And I'm also dirty; not just only I'm dirty but I'm also [ Ji ] that word means a wh-ore/a prositute in Chinese.
I don't understand my mother. All my life I only have one man (sexually), I was still a virgin when I slept with him--my husband.. My mother knows this but she still insult me and lable me a prositute just because he doesn't like this ethnicity.


------------------------------------
I chose to married him despite knowing very clear that my mother disapproved him. I chose him over my parents, that is considered unfilial in my culture.
You know in my culture--the Confucianism Chinese culture, Unfilial is the top top biggest sin, lighting will hit those who unfilial to their parents. In our culture, we strongly believe that if you unfilial to your parents; when you have your own children, your children will be unfilial back to you.
I know lightning will hit me one day, I know Karma will get me one day for being an unfilal daughter. I know when I have children, my children will be unfilial back to me. I deserve it, I deserve it.
But I feel sad for my husband, he doesn't deserve that. He always been a filial son, he very filial to his mother. He doesn't deserve his children be unfilial to him.

My husband he really want a baby to complete our little family. He would be THRILLED if I got pregnant while on the pills. Even if it just an Oops baby, he still would be sooo happy.
He been waiting patiencely for me to give him a baby..
I do want a baby with him too, it just that right now I'm not ready for a baby yet. I need to work on my emotional childhood baggage first before I bring a baby to this world. I want to be an emotionally healthy mom. I don't want to be pregnant, cry and grief everyday over my mother, you know what I mean?
He is my husband. I know I can't keep him childless for the rest of his life, he's the only son (his mom only have him and his older sister). I don't know if I'm ever ready to be a mom. I admit there times I think of give him a baby, he treats me really really well. Plus I agreed to married, I know as his wife eventually I have to give him a baby.

But I feel sad for the baby; the baby won't have any maternal grandparents, and all the things my mother said it just so hurtful, how can she have the heart to say that about a baby? Babies are innocent.
Yes, I know I'm an unfilial daughter for chose a guy over my parents, but the unfilial one is me, the baby is innocent in all this.
My mother can hate me all she wants, I will never blame her. She gave birth to me, without her I won't be in this world; go ahead belittle me, insult me, spit in my face and call me dirty. I deserve everything she do to me, I know I'm an unfilial daughter..
I just wish she put all the hate on me, and not on my future children; because children are innnocent, regardless of what their parents do. I commit the Unfilial sin, let me pay for it, not my future children.

I married him 2 years and that is 2 years of my mother disown me (she make it loud and clear the day I married him is the day she will disown me, and she did).
For these past 2 years I been emotionally torture myself inside over my mother disown me. Subconsciously, I still trying to get my mother approval of my marriage, and yearning for my mother love me.. But I don't want to live like this anymore; I need to stop sabotage myself, stop putting my life on hold and keep seeking for her approval. I need to move on and enjoy my life/enjoy my marriage.

My mother destroyed me. She abused me throughout my whole childhood; abused me mentally, verbally, emotionally and one time physically. But I forgave her, forgave her for everything she did to me. After all, she gave birth to me; without her I wouldn't be here in this world.. I know this and I will never forget this; she is my mother, this fact will never change.
................
I left my mother house more than a decade ago; after I graduated High school, at 18. When I left, I left with just my clothes and little money I make from working at my High School library.. I don't have anywhere to go. And I need a roof over my head to sleep at night, I had to temporary sleep in the Homeless shelter until I can find myself a place.
I only only have a High school diploma (No college degree), I know I can only work minimum wage jobs. I started my life over from scratch. Life was hard but I survived.. I moved 1 hour drive away from where my mother live, I just want to get away from her abuse. Even if that mean I live from paycheck to paycheck and eat plain rice with soy sauce for the rest of my life.

I never had a good relationship with my mom. So I don't get why I keep subconsciously seeking for her approval when I never have a good relationship with her to begin with. But the ladies in the mommie-baby site it is a 'natural' thing--it natural for a daughter longing to have their mother love them.
I don't have the blessing to have a mother love. I guess it yearning, perhaps I still year yearning for a loving mother that I don't have and never had.
But I need to move on, I don't want to live like this anymore.. The ladies in the mommie-baby site helped give me advice, they said I need to grow a backbone with my mother.
I'm the only one here that stopping myself from being happy. It all a Me problem, NOT a husband problem. It all a 'Me' problem, I need to work on this so I can enjoy my life and marriage, and able to have peace inside myself.

Vent. LONGGG. Torn torn between my mother and my husband. She won't let me see my old father. Please help advice - CafeMom
Here is my thread in the mommie-baby site, I guess you can read it if you want. It the whole situation between me and my mother, and the situation between me and my dad. I did get alot of good advice, the ladies in there they very straightforward with their advice, they said it straight out what as it is in your situation/circumstances, they will not sugar-coat you.. They understand that it Chinese culture and filial piety, but I need to get out of that mindset, I'm no longer living in China. This is America and modern time. This is not 1930s Shanghai time era, I don't need my mother approval of my marriage.
And they said if their mother treats them the way my mother treats me, they will put a STOP into that immediately. They said just because she gave birth to me that doesn't give her the rights in my childhood to abuse me. Or give her the rights in my adulthood to discriminate against my husband and disrespect my husband SOLELY just because of his ethnicity.. They said it all kinds of wrong here, put a Stop into that, grow a backbone with my mother. They right, I really need to move on.

I do have a therapist that I go to (a therapist that speak my native languages), to talk about my childhood baggage. I need to work on my self-worth and learn to love myself more.. My goal right now is I need to accept it the fact that I never blessed with have mother that loves me in my childhood or my adulthood. I need to accept the fact that she has disown me and she will not change her attitude/view on my husband or accept my marriage. It easier say than done, but I know I need to accept these facts and work on my childhood baggage, or else I will never have happiness or peace inside myself.

And I just want to say I ADMIRE those who have a good mother and a mother who love them, because I never have this blessing.
I want to say I love all mothers out there.. Whether good or bad mother, I still love you because you gave me life, you brought me to this world. This lifetime I'm unfortunate because I don't have a loving mother. All my life and still is subconsciously, I yearn for a loving mother; a mother that I know I don't have and never had.
I know there are good mother out there, there mother who sacrifice their everything for their children. I love you, your chidlren is very lucky to have you. I Admire your children have a mother like you.
I wish my next life when reincarnation, I will have a loving mother like how other peopple out there have a mother love them and care for them.

If need live translation, I be more than happy to help. Chinese here & here. Vietnamese here.
LONG& TMI(Regard something my DH did 10 years ago); just so hard for me to understand

Last edited by jasmine31; 01-08-2017 at 06:05 AM.
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 06:15 PM
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Re: Relationship question. If you have 10 minutes to spare since it so LONGG, please

Hello,

Wow, I feel like I read so much with your post from love story to the sadness of the relationship of your mom towards you. I did not have a positive relationship with my father and sometimes, here and there, he always comes back in my life to say or do something nice. But my father knows what he did and accepts the way the relationship is.

I am really saddened that your mother does not accept your future children. I come from a mixed household. My mother is African (liberian) German born and raised in Germany and my father is from Philippines (Filipino, Spanish, Chinese (Cantonese) and Armenian). My husband is Chinese Vietnamese but came to the US at toddler age and because of the environment he grew up in...it's not quite Chinese/Vietnamese culture he carries. He really has acculturated to American culture; unlike myself. My parents still instilled in me our culture and values from both countries of Germany and Philippines (the countries where my parents were from).

I completely understand the stress of losing face. Before, I was married to high school sweet heart. We were together 9 years, he was Chinese American but did not hold his culture...some values, yes like honoring grandparents and parents. My mom liked him, but my dad opposed him as a person, not because of his culture. My father wanted to do an arrange marriage, but I opposed that. Luckily, now I am with a new husband who was also my friend/strictly platonic neighbor for 3 years before anything happened or blossomed. And yes, he's easily jealous, emotional type, but lately he has gotten better and supportive.

We are about the same age. Next month I will be 31 years and his original birthday will be on Lunar New Year this week, 40 years old (when he moved to the US, the US gave him Jan 1st for New Years birthday) and our child is due any day now. A child is a blessing and if your mom says such hurtful things then I would not allow her to come around your child. Your husband and you are blossoming a new family.

And also, if you can, develop relationships with other motherly figure friends. I have my mother, but I have also learned to develop mother figure friends who care about me as well. I am fortunate to have a Godmom (who is actually my previous work supervisor) from Taiwan. I have developed relationships with my neighbor's parents who said I am like their extended family because I watch out and help them as they have done the same for me. You are also fortunate to have your mother in law and she will care about your child because it is of her son. Your mom's heart MIGHT change if she sees her grandchild, but if not, I would advise you to be strong to cut ties with her because you need to move on, too, to give yourself and your husband a chance to build a new family.
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