Husband wants to leave me because I cant support him - Talk About Marriage
The Ladies' Lounge Sharing and support.

User Tag List

 28Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 03:13 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3
Husband wants to leave me because I cant support him

Hello all, I apologise if this will be long, but at the point I'm at I dont feel like I have any friends I can speak with anymore, and I'm starting to feel like Im falling apart with my marriage, so thankyou to anyone who has the patience to read through all this.

To give a bit of background, I met my husband many years ago through an online video game when I was 19 and he was 24. We befriended each other, eventually it turned to more, I ended up getting a visa to live with him in the US for a while, and when that ran out he moved to my country and we married. Back when we first got together, he was unemployed, and I would help him out with rent. He got a job and went to college (which he didnt finish), but still couldnt support himself, so even after I moved in with him on a visa that did not permit me to work, I was still helping him financially. When he moved here to marry me, we started having problems, I thought it was just the stress and culture shock for him so I tried to be patient and supportive, I put up with a lot from him I probably shouldn't have, and I handled planning the wedding all on my own. I was working fulltime hours in a stressful job, while also having to duck out on my lunch break, or do overtime for leaving throughout the day in order to collect my husband and drive him around looking for a job because he couldn't figure out public transport.

In april 2015, after I had handled most of the costs of our life (rent, groceries, vacations etc), I was made redundant from my job, and I was struggling to find something new because I was suffering a lot of health problems. My husband suggested I be a stay at home wife, that we could still afford it on his job, so that's what we did. I made sure to do everything I could at home to make his day easier, handling all the chores, the cooking, the cleaning, did whatever he wanted when he got home...until after only 2-3 months I found out he was fooling around with other women online, calling and texting their phones at work, and just in general behaving in ways that he would have divorced me if it had been me acting that way. His reasoning being that he felt like he 'deserved' it. While he did stop, I was (and still am) depressed, and he has never been all that understanding of it, seeming to think I should be over it by now. It took a long time for me to feel like I could love him again, but I was starting to feel like I could finally.

In december 2015, he decided to up and quit his job, with nothing else lined up, leaving us with no income at all. He told me he would just take a rest for a few weeks then would start looking for a new one and would also go back to college so he could get a better career for us. He started pressuring me to go back to work as well, and after being out of the workforce for a while I was finding it very intimidating. He made no effort to find a job himself, saying he was just waiting because I was clearly stressed and he didnt want me to feel pressured when we had to start looking. The same week we agreed to start, I found a job, while he...has spent the entirety of the past year unemployed and not even looking. Instead he has spent nearly every night playing video games, and every day sleeping.

This is where I finally get to our current problems. I was made redundant again when the company I was working for was enexpectedly shut down. We've both been looking for work, but because I get stressed about it he acts as though I am doing nothing at all. After he's been spending increasing amounts of time on his computer lately, and seeming evasive about what he was doing and who he was talking to, I got on there to check, and I find he's been saying a whole lot of things about me to mutual friends. He repeats the fears and anxieties I trust him with, and while he's always nice to me face to face about them, he's incredibly cold recounting them to other people. He makes me out to be someone who is incapable of taking care of myself and that I am the one holding us back, saying that he cant get into college because I wont get a job (despite I am looking, and he did not take the chance at all over the last year when I did have fulltime work). But even worse, he complains about my health problems, saying I dont take care of myself, and that if I dont start 'pulling my weight' within the next year or two, he's going to have to leave me.

So, after everything I've put up with from him, after all the times I've tried to support him, he is willing to leave me...possibly because I am not capable of being the one to support him now. To top it all off, I feel like I cant talk to friends about it anymore after all he's been saying behind my back and that they must think poorly of me, and I don't have the best relationship with my family as they didnt like him to begin with (although that was unrelated and unfair reasons).

SJX13 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 03:28 PM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 18,939
Re: Husband wants to leave me because I cant support him

He wants to leave you because he is a waste of space as a man.

Maybe you should let him go? With a little help, perhaps?






And then it will be

for him and his lazy ways.

So sorry he is hurting you.

We are here for you, @SJX13.

Sorry you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is offline  
post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 03:39 PM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,254
Re: Husband wants to leave me because I cant support him

Seriously, I see no reason to remain married to him. He has not acted in any way like a husband should. He cheats, he uses your money, he lets you do all the work...what are you getting out of this? Nothing. So help him leave.
turnera is offline  
 
post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 03:46 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3
Re: Husband wants to leave me because I cant support him

It does all sound really silly even to me that I'm still with him and worried over this :/ He's always so nice and sweet and loving to me face to face, so I think our marriage is finally improving, and then it just feels like a massive kick in the teeth to see what he really thinks and says about me to other people. I want things to be able to work out with us, and I really dont want to think that the last 8-9 years have been a waste, but I suppose after I wrote it all down up there it does seem pretty obvious..
SJX13 is offline  
post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 04:52 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 804
Re: Husband wants to leave me because I cant support him

Quote:
Originally Posted by SJX13 View Post
It does all sound really silly even to me that I'm still with him and worried over this :/ He's always so nice and sweet and loving to me face to face, so I think our marriage is finally improving, and then it just feels like a massive kick in the teeth to see what he really thinks and says about me to other people. I want things to be able to work out with us, and I really dont want to think that the last 8-9 years have been a waste, but I suppose after I wrote it all down up there it does seem pretty obvious..
SJX,

First , don't you be embarrassed to talk to anyone, regardless of what this idiot you are married to has done.

Second, find yourself a brand new husband and get rid of this pathetic loser you are married to. You have stepped up to the plate and he refuses to leave the dugout. Not sure what other advice makes any sense.

For you to remain married to his us like telling a man whose wife is cheating on him to stay with her because she is a good mother and is nice to him once in a while.

You can do better.
straightshooter is offline  
post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 05:58 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,342
Re: Husband wants to leave me because I cant support him

He is nice to your face because he needs to have you around to use you. With you in his life, he can play on the internet, chase other women, and basically be a slouch.

What he is telling others is what he really feels about you. And this has nothing to do with you. It's who he is. He'd be like this with any woman.

The thing is that in you he found a woman who would stay with him no matter how badly he treats you. So.. you need to look within to figure out why you would stay with a guy who treats you like this. Why you make excuses for him. You need to figure this out before you get into any other relationship. Once you figure this out, you will be able to avoid another abusive relationship.
EleGirl is online now  
post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 06:41 PM
Member
 
Bibi1031's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: texas
Posts: 1,721
Re: Husband wants to leave me because I cant support him

Do you have any kids with this man? If you don't count your blessings and move on.

If you have kids, please get in touch with your relatives and get temporary help from them. They will help you for sure. You married a loser that is a user!

What he says behind your back is who he is and what he thinks of you. Believe him and get out of there ASAP.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
Bibi1031 is online now  
post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 07:03 PM
Member
 
ScrambledEggs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 822
Re: Husband wants to leave me because I cant support him

@SJX13

It is plain that you guys don't agree on life and how it should be lived and the two of you are not even remotely working on the problems. I have no idea who is to blame, you don't have to be right, blameless, or perfect to recognize you are not happy and move on. You just have to be human. Good luck.

SE

Learning Stuff on TAM I should have picked up in High School

Last edited by ScrambledEggs; 01-08-2017 at 12:52 AM.
ScrambledEggs is offline  
post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 01:10 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,605
Re: Husband wants to leave me because I cant support him

Quote:
Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
He wants to leave you because he is a waste of space as a man.

Maybe you should let him go? With a little help, perhaps?






And then it will be

for him and his lazy ways.

So sorry he is hurting you.

We are here for you, @SJX13.

Sorry you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.
This is truly your finest post on here.

Last edited by sokillme; 01-07-2017 at 01:16 AM.
sokillme is online now  
post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 01:16 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,605
Re: Husband wants to leave me because I cant support him

Let him leave I am sure no one else will support him either. As a man I have to say something is wrong with him, it should be in his nature to want to support and protect his family. When I was unemployed for a little bit I felt like I wasn't doing my job as a husband. This was very hard on me. Sorry but he is not a man.

sokillme is online now  
post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 04:30 AM
Member
 
She'sStillGotIt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Back east
Posts: 593
Re: Husband wants to leave me because I cant support him

Whatever you do, do NOT get yourself pregnant with this complete loser.

Gene pool wise, you'd be better off going to the state penitentiary and finding the most heinous psychopath in the place to breed with, rather than have a kid with this waste of skin and hair you're stuck with.
She'sStillGotIt is offline  
post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 04:39 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,423
Re: Husband wants to leave me because I cant support him

I agree with posters here, better than anything I could write.

My view is, I have no room in my life for people who disrespect me behind my back and are fake. It takes balls to own your real feelings (even if it's hard to hear) to someone's face and it takes supreme cowardice to be two - faced and slag off someone behind their back.

You know you deserve and can do better. At least, I hope you know it!

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 04:41 AM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,333
Re: Husband wants to leave me because I cant support him

As the old saying goes down here in Texas, "Don't let the door hit him in the proverbial a$$!"

Lose him like a bad habit!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
arbitrator is online now  
post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 06:55 AM
Member
 
NoChoice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 1,377
Re: Husband wants to leave me because I cant support him

OP,
Consider the circumstances under which you two met. Like two kids meeting on a playground. The internet is the playground where adults* play. A social interaction on the magnitude of selecting a life partner occurred on a game? What were your expectations, seriously? He is and most likely will always be, a child. What would a child do if not prodded by their parents? Perhaps play and sleep all day? Is this typical behavior for him? So the question is what can you tolerate. Be his partner/parent or find someone who has actually matured and have an actual relationship. Regrettable but these are your options.

As a starting point, perhaps consider meeting your next partner in a more mature venue such as an art show, museum, church (if you are religiously inclined) or some other less juvenile setting. Remember, one does not look for maturity in a nursery.





* Adult being defined as an individual whose physical maturation has occurred but their mental maturity is lagging far behind.
NoChoice is offline  
post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 09:59 PM
Member
 
oceanbreeze's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: california
Posts: 173
Re: Husband wants to leave me because I cant support him

All the advice I think are really good. I dont want you to be used and especially that if you are childless right now, it's time to cut your losses with him. It really sounds like he's been using you all these years and cannot get his life together. It is he who is pulling you down and adding to your depression. Having read your post, I felt like he was just an anchor pulling you deeper into quick sand or the bottom of the ocean. I believe a man should really step up to the plate and he's making a fool of you especially when he feels he deserves to talk to other women while you are busy supporting him and making a life for him. And healthwise, all this stress could be pulling your physical health down also. I really want to advise you to quit the relationship with him. You are still young and capable to start a new life.

The only problem is you need to know your rights in whichever country you are living in right now. I live in California, and since you have been supporting him, here, you would have to pay spousal support for half the time you 2 were married. So find out your legal rights also where you reside.
oceanbreeze is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
i need to leave this untrusting abusive man jlee12 General Relationship Discussion 27 02-06-2017 07:56 PM
Why can't I just leave my wife? SteveBo The Men's Clubhouse 26 08-04-2016 10:25 AM
Child Support cpretty30 Financial Problems in Marriage 27 04-04-2016 06:44 PM
Husband wants to control my child support... divorcedrama2 General Relationship Discussion 29 03-13-2016 05:02 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome