Hi everyone I'm new here. Our 3 year anniversary is coming up in February, but this year has started off in a bad light. We have a 4 year old together and have been together for 5 years. I only wanted to be married once, and this is his 2nd marriage. He left the other marriage after 15 years due to his ex being an alcoholic and never around.
I was 100% sure this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I don't want to make this too long but I want to make a vague past to paint the picture.
He was funny, understanding, thoughtful, loving, and my best friend. I would have happily stayed single my whole life until I found someone to make me happier than I already was, and I did. This was the best relationship I have EVER had. There was honesty, openness, total love, total trust, no jealousy, and a feeling of being complete. We work together in the family business so we are always together.
Lately it feels like we are falling apart. It's been 3 years since we have kissed intimately, and the passed 6 months we have sex maybe once a week, sometimes less.
I am partially to blame because I have done some soul searching and realize that ever since we had our son (which was an oops), I have not been genuinly happy with life. We never get much time alone together and when we do, it's too late at night or we are too tired. A child for us was not the right thing to happen.. but it happened and now we have to deal with the consequences. Regardless, he's an amazing father and can handle being a parent way better than I can.
Add to that, his 20 year old son from his previous marriage moved into our house with his 1 year old daughter a few months ago. Now I have 2 kids running around, screaming, and his 20 year old son who I am constantly cleaning up after. Everytime I ask my husband to say something to his son, he gets annoyed with me. Long in short, I've been feeling like a damn maid in this house for quite some time. I hate clutter, it gives me anxiety, so I clean up after them. Now I am cleaning up after a puppy my husband wanted that we got 2 months ago. I feel overwhelmed, annoyed, misunderstood, and alone. It has brought my patience way down.
On top of that, my husband is a larger guy, which is fine and weight has no bearing on my love for him, but in the beginning of our relationship he was trying to loose weight for me. I said don't worry about that, I love you for who you are. In the last year though, he has put on significantly more weight, drinks nothing but soda and eats loads of candy a day. He also started 2017 with smoking (which he knows I hate), to add to his horrendous snoring which I have to sleep on the couch now (since his son has the other bedroom).
This morning when I got up off the couch to get our son ready for school after only having 3 hours of sleep due to his snoring, he saw I was in a bad mood from lack of sleep and the whole situation and just gave me the cold shoulder. He left without saying bye, left without saying a word. It seems it's getting easier and easier for him to hang up on me lately when I make a valid point. (I never yell, I never curse, I never say mean things).
I feel like he doesn't care about himself, or us. As if our lack of intimacy couldn't get worse, now I can't even sleep in the same room with him. He also started to have bad BO since his weight gain. I love him so much, I couldn't bear to tell him it was such a turnoff for me. I finally said something last week, and he's been sure to shower when he gets home from work. But that didn't stop his smoking, or his horrible diet, and trying to better himself.
Speaking of diet, whenever he says he's hungry, I offer to make him dinner (something he likes), or get him takeout and he says he doesn't want anything.
It's like a slap in the face. Why complain when you won't take my offer or help? It's been like this for a year now.
I feel like a worthless wife with no purpose, and a horrible mom who doesn't want to be one.
As I lay awake on the couch last night unable to sleep, it finally hit me that no, I am not happy. 4 days ago I would say he was the only thing that made me happy, but I realize he's not. I am not happy with anything lately. Not one thing.
I hate this house, I hate being a maid, I hate that he has no compassion for how I feel, I hate being a mom, I hate cleaning up dog sh*t... every night after dinner all he wants to do is lie in bed because he never has any energy. We don't go out as a couple to eat, we don't do anything, we don't go anywhere. I realize I feel trapped. I am depressed, no doubt. And it seems I have been for some time since having my child. But now I have a dozen more things weighing me down, and the one and only person that truly understood me and made me happy, doesn't anymore.
I told him from day one that the minute I am unhappy with something, I will tell him... that it's better than holding it all in and then one day realizing I'm not happy and he feels like a bomb went off. I asked him to do the same... But anytime during the past 3 years that I have gently tried to tell him what is hurting me or what is worrying me, he gets mad. He blows up. He says "I can't do anymore, I am doing all I can".
Since these episodes, I have kept many things inside for the last year. I finally opened up last week after taking a xanax which I never do, so I could prepare myself to deal with the consequences of laying it all on the table. I brought up our lack of kissing, intimacy, how I've been feeling, He was surprisingly calm, but nothing has changed.
What should I do? Counseling? a break? a vacation? another sit down? He doesn't believe in counseling. Help