Something isn't right, what should I do - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:31 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Something isn't right, what should I do

Hi everyone I'm new here. Our 3 year anniversary is coming up in February, but this year has started off in a bad light. We have a 4 year old together and have been together for 5 years. I only wanted to be married once, and this is his 2nd marriage. He left the other marriage after 15 years due to his ex being an alcoholic and never around.

I was 100% sure this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I don't want to make this too long but I want to make a vague past to paint the picture.

He was funny, understanding, thoughtful, loving, and my best friend. I would have happily stayed single my whole life until I found someone to make me happier than I already was, and I did. This was the best relationship I have EVER had. There was honesty, openness, total love, total trust, no jealousy, and a feeling of being complete. We work together in the family business so we are always together.

Lately it feels like we are falling apart. It's been 3 years since we have kissed intimately, and the passed 6 months we have sex maybe once a week, sometimes less.

I am partially to blame because I have done some soul searching and realize that ever since we had our son (which was an oops), I have not been genuinly happy with life. We never get much time alone together and when we do, it's too late at night or we are too tired. A child for us was not the right thing to happen.. but it happened and now we have to deal with the consequences. Regardless, he's an amazing father and can handle being a parent way better than I can.

Add to that, his 20 year old son from his previous marriage moved into our house with his 1 year old daughter a few months ago. Now I have 2 kids running around, screaming, and his 20 year old son who I am constantly cleaning up after. Everytime I ask my husband to say something to his son, he gets annoyed with me. Long in short, I've been feeling like a damn maid in this house for quite some time. I hate clutter, it gives me anxiety, so I clean up after them. Now I am cleaning up after a puppy my husband wanted that we got 2 months ago. I feel overwhelmed, annoyed, misunderstood, and alone. It has brought my patience way down.

On top of that, my husband is a larger guy, which is fine and weight has no bearing on my love for him, but in the beginning of our relationship he was trying to loose weight for me. I said don't worry about that, I love you for who you are. In the last year though, he has put on significantly more weight, drinks nothing but soda and eats loads of candy a day. He also started 2017 with smoking (which he knows I hate), to add to his horrendous snoring which I have to sleep on the couch now (since his son has the other bedroom).

This morning when I got up off the couch to get our son ready for school after only having 3 hours of sleep due to his snoring, he saw I was in a bad mood from lack of sleep and the whole situation and just gave me the cold shoulder. He left without saying bye, left without saying a word. It seems it's getting easier and easier for him to hang up on me lately when I make a valid point. (I never yell, I never curse, I never say mean things).

I feel like he doesn't care about himself, or us. As if our lack of intimacy couldn't get worse, now I can't even sleep in the same room with him. He also started to have bad BO since his weight gain. I love him so much, I couldn't bear to tell him it was such a turnoff for me. I finally said something last week, and he's been sure to shower when he gets home from work. But that didn't stop his smoking, or his horrible diet, and trying to better himself.

Speaking of diet, whenever he says he's hungry, I offer to make him dinner (something he likes), or get him takeout and he says he doesn't want anything.

It's like a slap in the face. Why complain when you won't take my offer or help? It's been like this for a year now.

I feel like a worthless wife with no purpose, and a horrible mom who doesn't want to be one.

As I lay awake on the couch last night unable to sleep, it finally hit me that no, I am not happy. 4 days ago I would say he was the only thing that made me happy, but I realize he's not. I am not happy with anything lately. Not one thing.

I hate this house, I hate being a maid, I hate that he has no compassion for how I feel, I hate being a mom, I hate cleaning up dog sh*t... every night after dinner all he wants to do is lie in bed because he never has any energy. We don't go out as a couple to eat, we don't do anything, we don't go anywhere. I realize I feel trapped. I am depressed, no doubt. And it seems I have been for some time since having my child. But now I have a dozen more things weighing me down, and the one and only person that truly understood me and made me happy, doesn't anymore.

I told him from day one that the minute I am unhappy with something, I will tell him... that it's better than holding it all in and then one day realizing I'm not happy and he feels like a bomb went off. I asked him to do the same... But anytime during the past 3 years that I have gently tried to tell him what is hurting me or what is worrying me, he gets mad. He blows up. He says "I can't do anymore, I am doing all I can".

Since these episodes, I have kept many things inside for the last year. I finally opened up last week after taking a xanax which I never do, so I could prepare myself to deal with the consequences of laying it all on the table. I brought up our lack of kissing, intimacy, how I've been feeling, He was surprisingly calm, but nothing has changed.

What should I do? Counseling? a break? a vacation? another sit down? He doesn't believe in counseling. Help

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:38 AM
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Re: Something isn't right, what should I do

You need to go to counseling by yourself. And start setting rules in your house. If your stepson leaves his stuff lying around, you will be throwing it away. No choice - left out, goes in the trash. He'll learn soon enough to start picking up his own crap. It's your house, not his. Make the rules.
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: Something isn't right, what should I do

Sounds like you may have had unrealistic expectations of what marriage is actually like. No marriage EVER has had the 'honeymoon' phase last forever, and yours is over for sure. Real life has a way of invading even the happiest of lovers sooner or later.

That said, you do need to deal with the things that are getting you down. I agree that IC is a good place to start. Once you've sorted yourself out and learned how to deal with your own stuff, then MC could be introduced as a way to address the lack of compassion you feel you're getting from your H. If he 'doesn't believe' in it, then he's closed the door to one of, if not THE, most helpful tools a married couple has, and has shown he isn't willing to do whatever it takes for you and for the marriage. Something to consider. But start with the IC. Maybe if that helps you out, he'll change his attitude towards it. My hubby did, after I dragged him to MC a few times. He was totally anti-counseling, and today is totally pro counseling.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:54 AM
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Re: Something isn't right, what should I do

Since it was just last week since you talked to him, that's not really giving him a chance to change. Did he say that he was willing to change things for you? If not you need to agree with him on things that will need to change or be addressed, don't drop the subject until something is agreed on. His son really needs to go, if he's "responsible" enough to have a child, then he should be responsible enough to get his own place or do his share while living with you. There should be a time table for him to leave. He shouldn't have the idea that he can stay free with you for as long as he wants to.

I know how horrible it is to live with someone who won't pick up the house. I hate messy and my wife has taught the kids it's ok to be messy like her. You need to address this with your H and and H's son tell them this isn't acceptable. It's not fair for them to expect you to pick up after them.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: Something isn't right, what should I do

How old are you? And, your husband? You've fallen into the role of becoming motherly.

Since your husband won't address the sons lack of cleaning up after himself, have you? Did you agree to him moving in with his child and were there rules set? Give us a little more information.

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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Something isn't right, what should I do

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Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
How old are you? And, your husband? You've fallen into the role of becoming motherly.

Since your husband won't address the sons lack of cleaning up after himself, have you? Did you agree to him moving in with his child and were there rules set? Give us a little more information.

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I am 38 and my husband is 47. I agreed for his son to live in our downstairs apartment with his girlfriend and their baby, but the girlfriend cheated on my stepson, he couldn't afford the apartment on his own, so now he's a single father with his daughter in our house. He's going through depression as well, so it's a tough road for all of us. He sleeps till 12, has no job.. it's a big burden.

I know no honeymoon phase lasts forever, but this is more than a honeymoon phase being over. I feel dread, guilt, and doom. I feel like everyone else around me is happy and fine, while I'm broken trying to pick up all of the pieces. I've explained to him for years about the lack of kissing and intimacy, but just this past year decided to shut up since he would get mad when I brought up my concerns.
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:45 AM
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Re: Something isn't right, what should I do

Therapy will help teach you how to deal more effectively when he uses anger to shut you up.
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 04:32 PM
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Re: Something isn't right, what should I do

I see chaos run amuck in your house!

Your step-son needs to step up and take care of his own, that means himself and his child. In my house, he would not be sleeping until noon while not having a job and a child to take care of. He needs a new set of rules to live by and a timeline on how long he can stay with you until he gets his "feet back on the ground." He needs to get to a doctor and he needs counseling for himself and because of the situation he is in. He should not be expecting you to pick up after him and his child and your husband should be backing you up on that one.

If no one is helping you take care of the dog and you don't want to burden of taking care of it, then give it to someone else who will. I hate to say that because I am an animal lover, but you have enough to deal with let alone try and train a dog and take care of it. And lets face it, if you don't train it properly and no one else is helping you, it will learn neglect and not be a very nice dog.

You need to take care of yourself first. Get into IC to take care of you. Go see your doctor and ask if there is anything you can take to help ease the tension and anxiety. It sounds to me like you had a case of post-partum depression and never really have gotten over that.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 05:03 PM
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Re: Something isn't right, what should I do

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I only wanted to be married once
So did the rest of us divorced people.
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 05:08 PM
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Re: Something isn't right, what should I do

You have to either lay down the ****ing law or get out. Seriously, assuming what you are telling us is accurate, everyone needs a kick in be ass. You have to be a drill sargeant and tell your husband enough is enough and you are kissed off and if **** doesn't change, you are walking out. He has to know you mean it because when you say it, you absolutely have to mean it.

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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 05:09 PM
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Re: Something isn't right, what should I do

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You have to either lay down the ****ing law or get out. Seriously, assuming what you are telling us is accurate, everyone needs a kick in be ass. You have to be a drill sargeant and tell your husband enough is enough and you are kissed off and if **** doesn't change, you are walking out. He has to know you mean it because when you say it, you absolutely have to mean it.
I agree with this, but I think that to get to this place, she needs IC.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 07:59 AM
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Re: Something isn't right, what should I do

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I am 38 and my husband is 47. I agreed for his son to live in our downstairs apartment with his girlfriend and their baby, but the girlfriend cheated on my stepson, he couldn't afford the apartment on his own, so now he's a single father with his daughter in our house. He's going through depression as well, so it's a tough road for all of us. He sleeps till 12, has no job.. it's a big burden.
Oh goodie. Yet another lazy bum who just expects everyone ELSE to support him. Lucky lucky you (until you boot his worthless ass out) and eventually, lucky lucky US, the taxpayers who'll then support him.

It kind of sounds like we'll be seeing your grossly overweight husband on My 600 Pound Life soon, since he's slowly eating himself to that end, laying around like a beached whale and refusing to do anything productive. Honestly, you're a braver woman than I. I wouldn't want him near me.

If I live to be 100 I'll never understand why women stay with so-called 'men' like this. What the hell advantages to being in this nightmare are you actually getting?
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 09:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Something isn't right, what should I do

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Oh goodie. Yet another lazy bum who just expects everyone ELSE to support him. Lucky lucky you (until you boot his worthless ass out) and eventually, lucky lucky US, the taxpayers who'll then support him.

It kind of sounds like we'll be seeing your grossly overweight husband on My 600 Pound Life soon, since he's slowly eating himself to that end, laying around like a beached whale and refusing to do anything productive. Honestly, you're a braver woman than I. I wouldn't want him near me.

If I live to be 100 I'll never understand why women stay with so-called 'men' like this. What the hell advantages to being in this nightmare are you actually getting?
It's getting embarrassing. He moves like he's 90 when he gets up. I just feel like he's slowly trying to kill himself. It hurts because I feel he's not happy. I mean, why else would someone continue like this and not try to better themselves for their family? Me, his 4 year old, his 20 year old. I guess I should stop being so "supportive" and just go out once in a while to live a little. Because I never do. Maybe in 5 years I've gone out with a friend 4 times. I fell for his heart, his personality, his non jelousy... ugh
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 09:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Something isn't right, what should I do

Update: I told him how depressed I was, most things that were bothering me the last few months (except his weight gain), and that I was sleepless all night with thoughts running through my head to just run away and leave it all behind. He felt bad but calmly said "maybe you should take a break from us all".

I wasn't sure if I should take that suggestion as a good thing or bad.

He also came up with 2 other solutions.. One, to have his son move in with his mother and two, to get rid of the dog.

This made me realize that he really does care and wants to see me happy.

I think I'm going to stop cleaning up so much here so he can see the mess of everyone else. Since it gives me anxiety to see a messy house I'll just spend my time elsewhere as much as possible.
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 09:36 AM
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Re: Something isn't right, what should I do

Most definitely, you should be going out with friends at least once a month. And letting him take care of his own kid. And start giving him chores, now that you're talking about it.
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