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post #16 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 05:12 PM
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Re: Ladies, what would you do? (regarding the issue of weight gain)

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I got an idea over lunch.

Clearly, this issue bothers me....a lot. It bothers me all the time, and she can tell I'm bothered by something, but I don't think she's aware that THIS is why I'm acting differently. Not being rude, or unkind to her at all, she just notices I seem more down, or uninterested, or whatever. She always asks "What's wrong?" and it almost upsets me more because I feel like she should be aware, and by her asking what's wrong, it's clearly just not sinking in. She asked me again today, because she noticed I was not being very chipper. Soooo.... What if I sat her down, and gently explained to her to this issue is always, and I mean ALWAYS on my mind, always bothering me, always getting under my skin. I have constant reminders of it, on the street, at work, on TV, just all sorts of things that bring it to the forefront of my mind, and it gets me down. I'm only human, so if I have something like this just perpetually bothering me, I'm going to have good days and bad days, and it's not fair for her to always be wondering "What's wrong?", so I'm telling her.

I wonder if that will drive home the importance of this. Then hopefully, when she sees me being down so often, it might sink in that "Wow, he really is affected by this pretty severely" because clearly, me just telling her that isn't working. Maybe she needs to physically observe me being upset about it, and often.

Just a thought...
In marriage counseling my husband and I learned about "bottom line" statements, meaning, "what's your bottom line". Bottom line statements are ultimatums. If you do that you are essentially giving her an ultimatum. No one likes to be given an ultimatum. What if she turned around and said...if you cannot accept me this way then you should leave because I refuse to change? Are you willing to walk away? If you are then go for this strategy. If you truly love her and want her to be more attractive to you you will take it in another direction.

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post #17 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 05:12 PM
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Re: Ladies, what would you do? (regarding the issue of weight gain)

Your wife may be too embarrassed to go to a gym with you if she has gained as much weight as you say.Would getting a treadmill be out of the question,you can rent them by the month and the modern ones have special programs for obese/very overweight people.Or how about just going for a walk every day.Obviously I don't know about your home situation but going walking together may help both of you to communicate.Also if your wife does start to lose weight it will encourage her and maybe she would then go to a gym with you.
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post #18 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 05:14 PM
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Re: Ladies, what would you do? (regarding the issue of weight gain)

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you may be trapping yourself in a vicious cycle. Personally, if i'm not getting any, then i get sad and eat all the things and hibernate. If i'm in a relationship that has less and less sex, then i'm probably going to gain weight. If you can't have sex until she loses weight, and she is gaining because she's feeling unloved because you can't get it up for her...

I understand where you are coming from though. If you are a visual person, and the visual is not what it used to be, then that is going to be really hard. I am in no way shaming you for that. I'm just saying. Know your audience. You are going to have to figure out what can motivate her inside the relationship (you shopping and cooking? You planning active dates like hiking or walking in a park?) or if you are going to have to lay out the big guns and be prepared to end the relationship over this.
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post #19 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 05:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, what would you do? (regarding the issue of weight gain)

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In order for a woman to be serious about making a life change such as this she has to definitely have an "ah-ha" moment. That ah-ha moment cannot happen if she is constantly put down about her weight. It seems like you are hyper-focused on her changing and making this commitment to exercise. You said yourself that she is making decent nutritional changes..have you tried praising her for that? I find that in order to get my head into my weight routine I have to feel good about myself....I have to feel strong and beautiful. Once I feel strong and beautiful I am driven to become better and stronger. If I were told that my husband was not attracted to me and if he didn't desire me, well, it would diminish my self-esteem, which would make me feel like what is the point in working out?

I personally feel like there are a few things you could do to encourage her. (1) Praise her. Tell her she is beautiful and you are so thankful she's your wife. DO NOT count her workouts, praise her for working out, ect. Accept and praise her as she is. I bet you will begin to see her self-esteem increase and she will want to do better and better to gain your attention. At this point she feels like it is a lost cause. (2) Make plans with her that involve activity. Sign you guys up for a boxing class or a dance class or the Warrior Dash and tell her now you are training because you are going to ROCK IT! (3) Take her out. Tell her to get a nice dress and that you are going to show her off to the world. COmpliment something on her body. Tell her she has sexy legs or a sexy ass. Make her feel like physically she is already sexy. Again, she will want to be sexier.

You cannot brow beat your wife into changing. All you can do is give positive feedback, enhancing her self-esteem. It's possible she doesn't enjoy "working out" and instead doing something active like yoga or dancing might be the thing that keeps her active. Not everyone enjoys the gym.
Sorry I didn't see these replies before I posted my last comment.

Funny you mention this, I should have said something in my OP. I CONSTANTLY am praising her for her eating choices, how pretty she is, how lucky I am to have such a special woman in my life, every compliment in the book. Interesting comment you made, though, you said to NOT praise her for working out? I always do, I always tell her how proud I am for her to have come this far. Compared to years ago, she's leaps and bounds improved, but again, that's ONLY if I am pulling her by the ear to do it. The second I can't be there to make her exercise, she won't do it. Bottom line, her dietary improvements and OCCASIONAL workout has sort of stopped her from gaining excessive weight, but definitely is not LOSING it, and it's been at this state for ~1.5 years now.

Also, yes we do activities like you mentioned, hiking, biking, dancing, walks all the time in our VERY hilly city, we do everything together. Last summer, she joined a health club and was doing a "boot-camp" routine where she was going to rigorous workouts, every other day, and she started SHREDDING pounds. I saw an almost immediate physical difference and could not possibly have praised her more for it. She noticed a huge spike in my general happiness and affection too. Everything was fantastic, I couldn't beleive we finally were seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Just as soon as she started gaining momentum......she quit. She gassed me up with all sorts of promises to join the YMCA, jog 4x a week, all sorts of plans, and has not done a single thing since. That was in the SUMMER, it's now almost spring.
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post #20 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 05:30 PM
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Re: Ladies, what would you do? (regarding the issue of weight gain)

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Originally Posted by ThisIsAUserName View Post
I got an idea over lunch.

Clearly, this issue bothers me....a lot. It bothers me all the time, and she can tell I'm bothered by something, but I don't think she's aware that THIS is why I'm acting differently. Not being rude, or unkind to her at all, she just notices I seem more down, or uninterested, or whatever. She always asks "What's wrong?" and it almost upsets me more because I feel like she should be aware, and by her asking what's wrong, it's clearly just not sinking in. She asked me again today, because she noticed I was not being very chipper. Soooo.... What if I sat her down, and gently explained to her to this issue is always, and I mean ALWAYS on my mind, always bothering me, always getting under my skin. I have constant reminders of it, on the street, at work, on TV, just all sorts of things that bring it to the forefront of my mind, and it gets me down. I'm only human, so if I have something like this just perpetually bothering me, I'm going to have good days and bad days, and it's not fair for her to always be wondering "What's wrong?", so I'm telling her.

I wonder if that will drive home the importance of this. Then hopefully, when she sees me being down so often, it might sink in that "Wow, he really is affected by this pretty severely" because clearly, me just telling her that isn't working. Maybe she needs to physically observe me being upset about it, and often.

Just a thought...
There is no 'gentle' way of explaining this to her.

You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you and act accordingly. There really is absolutely NO way you can MAKE her do what YOU want her to do. IT WILL NOT WORK.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #21 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 05:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, what would you do? (regarding the issue of weight gain)

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You may be trapping yourself in a vicious cycle. Personally, if I'm not getting any, then i get sad and eat all the things and hibernate. If i'm in a relationship that has less and less sex, then i'm probably going to gain weight. If you can't have sex until she loses weight, and she is gaining because she's feeling unloved because you can't get it up for her...

I understand where you are coming from though. If you are a visual person, and the visual is not what it used to be, then that is going to be really hard. I am in no way shaming you for that. I'm just saying. know your audience. You are going to have to figure out what can motivate her inside the relationship (you shopping and cooking? you planning active dates like hiking or walking in a park?) or if you are going to have to lay out the big guns and be prepared to end the relationship over this.
Good points, thank you for that. I've thought about this, and I'm not entirely sure this is the case with her. I feel the opposite, as in, if she sees me being all happy and affectionate with her, she will see no need to lose any weight because I'm "clearly happy". She's not so much of a depressive eater, probably because I've done everything I can to keep junk food out of the house. However, on the other hand, she is easily overwhelmed by normal every day life, she's never got any energy or motivation to do anything, so if I'm bringing a lighter, happier energy into the house, maybe she will be more likely to muster up motivation?



Thank you all for your kind help.
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post #22 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 05:38 PM
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Re: Ladies, what would you do? (regarding the issue of weight gain)

After about 30 pounds (give or take, depending on where things were originally) and no action to fix the situation, I'd be filing for divorce. Attraction is very important to me, as is a healthy, frequent sex life - and losing attraction would ruin that. Either the filing is a wake-up call (and I would be very helpful and supportive if she's seriously working on the issue), or it leads to the inevitable.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #23 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 05:40 PM
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I know it sounds weird to say don't praise her for working about. I'd say to just discuss her wo's with her..."what did you work on today? Did you have a good workout? " ect. Why I say that is that by praising her you are making it a carrot she has to chase. Her workouts are about her and not you. If you make them about you she is then working out to please you and is losing focus on it being HER journey.
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post #24 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 05:42 PM
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Re: Ladies, what would you do? (regarding the issue of weight gain)

The weight gain is actually NOT about you. Nor is her difficulty in losing it.
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post #25 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 05:45 PM
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Re: Ladies, what would you do? (regarding the issue of weight gain)

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Good points, thank you for that. I've thought about this, and I'm not entirely sure this is the case with her. I feel the opposite, as in, if she sees me being all happy and affectionate with her, she will see no need to lose any weight because I'm "clearly happy". She's not so much of a depressive eater, probably because I've done everything I can to keep junk food out of the house. However, on the other hand, she is easily overwhelmed by normal every day life, she's never got any energy or motivation to do anything, so if I'm bringing a lighter, happier energy into the house, maybe she will be more likely to muster up motivation?



Thank you all for your kind help.
I got it, that can be hard too. If one's partner seems happy enough, even if they say they are dissatisfied, then it is the attitude that is read more than the words.

To help with energy, and motivation,
To have enough energy to get through my day with 2 kids, lots of stuff going on, i have to be careful with my diet. I have to do several small meals instead of 3 large ones, once i'm full, i'm useless.

If i know I'm going to need extra energy, i take a b complex vitamin (you can buy them almost anywhere) lots of fruits and veggies and water etc.

I'm a social exerciser. I won't go for a run by myself, but i love to go with friends, or to a yoga class, or i go with my sister to play volleyball in a big group 2x a month.
If there's no one to talk to I get bored, and i'm done much quicker. I need to be distracted from boring workouts to want to go without making myself.

If you know any women who work out (a coworker, a guy friends wife) then you could hook them up to be work out buddies. or you could encourage her to do a class, or go somewhere else where she could connect with active women.


Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
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post #26 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 06:05 PM
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Re: Ladies, what would you do? (regarding the issue of weight gain)

OP, I noticed you skipped over my post mentioning how strange it is that dieting hasn't helped your girlfriend lose weight.

I went back and looked at your old thread Starting to think my wife is making me depressed.

Did she get tested for EDS? What were the results?

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post #27 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 06:08 PM
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You didn't say... How much weight are we talking about?
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post #28 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 06:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, what would you do? (regarding the issue of weight gain)

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I know it sounds weird to say don't praise her for working about. I'd say to just discuss her wo's with her..."what did you work on today? Did you have a good workout? " ect. Why I say that is that by praising her you are making it a carrot she has to chase. Her workouts are about her and not you. If you make them about you she is then working out to please you and is losing focus on it being HER journey.
Yes, I get it that the weight loss is not ABOUT ME, I understand that. However, I can only speak for myself, I can't speak for anyone else, so I'm expressing my own feelings. I'm gaining some new direction from this thread, I owe you ladies one. I'm going to try cranking up the affection and do more things to make her feel better about herself. Things to make her feel like SHE is worth the effort, and that making me happier as a result is simply an added bonus. I don't think anyone can blame me for my frustration and inability to see a clear answer as to what I should do, so navigating through this mess will always be a challenge.

Thank you all for your help. I'm going to really try to do my best at this.
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post #29 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 06:15 PM
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I think it's understandable that you are frustrated. Has she or does she ever express dissatisfaction with her body? If so that might be a good time to just as her flat out..."what is stopping you?". Maybe she is embarrassed. Mays he doesn't realize she has a weight problem (depending on her size ). Maybe she hates to exercise. If you approach it from a direction of helping her accomplish HER goals maybe that could help?
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post #30 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 06:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, what would you do? (regarding the issue of weight gain)

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OP, I noticed you skipped over my post mentioning how strange it is that dieting hasn't helped your girlfriend lose weight.

I went back and looked at your old thread Starting to think my wife is making me depressed - Talk About Marriage.

Did she get tested for EDS? What were the results?

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Knew that thread was going to come up. Short answer: It's a very long story, but yes, she most likely has EDS, but unsure what type.

Anyway, about the diet, I did make mention about how she has made a good dietary change, but it really hasn't made all the world of difference. It basically seems like she's not quickly GAINING weight anymore, but she's certainly not losing it. She's been on the good diet train for maybe 2 years, and has actually been somewhat vegetarian lately. Like I've said, she's not a slob, she shows some intention to take care of herself, but when it comes to things that take physical effort and time, it's like pulling teeth.

Regarding the question of how much weight, when I met her she was ~125 lbs, and right before the holidays she weighed herself and was proud of herself to be down to the ~185 range. The holidays were filled with poor eating choices all around, very little exercise, lots of stress, and I promise you anything she lost, she has gained back. She's got a body type where if she's IN shape, she is especially attractive, but when OUT of shape, she does not carry it very well. She has always had cellulite too, which is fine, but when you're out of shape with it, it makes things 10x worse.
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