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post #16 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:41 PM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

I had to look up the term sapiosexual. Now that I see its meaning, I guess I can lump myself into that category too. I have never found a human being attractive just by looking at them. If you can engage my mind, you can instantly become attractive to me. I need intelligence and a sense of humor. Looks are secondary.

My H and I are an odd match. He is actually shorter and heavier than me. His personality hooked me and reeled me in. I never had any thoughts about his looks.

I would only be happy with someone who felt the same way as I do. If someone was too picky about looks or weight, it would turn me off instantly. I get that a lot of men are that way. I don't hold it against them. I just know it would be an instant incompatibility between us and we wouldn't last past the first couple of dates.

Fwiw, my weight fluctuates by 20 lbs or so up and down. I am tall so I stay the same clothing size, just firmer or softer depending on where I fall on the scale. My Hs weight fluctuates much more wildly than mine does. Metabolism differences I guess. I've been with him through 75lbs of fluctuation. He's on the heavier side right now. I don't really care except that it makes his snoring at night atrocious. That has nothing to do with looks though.

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post #17 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:04 PM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Originally Posted by ulyssesheart View Post
First, you are only asking ladies. And, this is a "pre-loaded" question.

Note: there is putting on weight and putting on a "lot of weight".

2d Note: There is going without makeup, not fixing up your hair and not wearing stylish clothing and there is never wearing makeup, keeping your hair unkempt and greasy and wearing baggy sweat pants and sweat shirts most of the time.

If you think men should typically not give a damn whether his wife is obese, slovenly and unattractive then you are delusional. It is one thing if a man married such a women, it is another if she changed her appearance, as mentioned, after marriage.

Men are visually inclined. A married women is free to act and dress as she pleases. She is also free to break up her marriage by her choices. A wife should be loved passionately, but sorry, not unconditionally. If a women does not love herself and lets herself go, then she risks letting her marriage go.

Why do women have to wear make up?I never do and I have excellent skin and am often being told I look younger than I am. I dont see the point of make up.
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post #18 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 04:28 PM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Why do women have to wear make up?I never do and I have excellent skin and am often being told I look younger than I am. I dont see the point of make up.
My husband has told me time and time again that he likes me without makeup and that he never saw the need for woman to put it on and that woman with too much makeup on was a turn off for him. As for the weight issues he never would say anything when i was heavier or nor would his desire to have sex with me dwindle but once he told me that he was not as attracted to me when i was heavier and that comment has never left me and still bother some today, but not in the way that he hurt my feeling but more so in the way that I feel upset with myself for letting myself go and not taking more time to keep my weight in check.
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post #19 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 05:32 PM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Why do women have to wear make up?I never do and I have excellent skin and am often being told I look younger than I am. I dont see the point of make up.
I don't wear a lot of makeup, and I don't use it to hide anything or look like something I'm not. I use very natural-looking makeup, more to emphasize what I already have going on than anything else. And I usually only wear it when going out. I just enjoy wearing it.

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post #20 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 10:39 PM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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and you do not like that about him, how do you cope with it?

I could not be with someone like that. I am definitely a "Take me as I am or leave me" kind of wife.

I just cannot imagine staying with a guy whose desire is dependent on my weight, or whether I wear makeup, or how I dress. The thought makes me laugh, actually. Talk about handing over his power to me! Even if he cannot help it, I guess.

Anyway, if you are with a guy like that, and you don't like it, how do you cope? Do you think about leaving him? What prevents you from doing that?

I was skinny with thick coke bottle glasses. Basically I was a nerd and not woman bait.

I decided to weight train and get laser eye surgery. Reasons were I wanted to be a man, size, strength, presence and I hated the coke bottle glasses, so 20 / 20 vision now with the laser eye procedure.

I did this for myself but also for my wife, Mrs.CuddleBug. I never needed to have a fire under my ass either. I am not lazy, so I focused, and got it done.

I'm not the type of guy to say, take me as I am because I am too lazy and unmotivated to better myself. People like that should stay single and are in it for themselves.


Mrs.CuddleBug was a bigger girl, always talked about getting in shape and going to a gym. She finally started this a few years ago, lost a lot of weight, but then started missing days going to the gym,and has now completely stopped. She has gained back all the weight and more.....she still talks about her needing to go to the gym.....

I don't find her physically attractive because of her size. It's not sexy, attractive or healthy.


When married, you are to take care of yourself obviously and not get comfy, lazy and let yourself go. That equals divorce.....then they go to the gym finally, get in great shape and are single. Makes no sense.

When married you are not single anymore. You are to take care of your other halves needs as your own and you are not your own anymore.

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post #21 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 01:31 AM
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Cool Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

I would take great concern about my SO's weight and general health concerns, greatly provided that that issue presented itself as a notable health hazard to them!

And by the very same token, if my weight or general health ever became an issue to our relationship in her eyes, then I'd fully expect to hear from her about it!

In my minds eye, a woman's or mans personality, temperament, empathy, and educational acumen/intelligence trumps their beauty/handsomeness any day!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 01-20-2017 at 01:38 AM. Reason: Edification
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post #22 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 05:24 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

My rather naive take when I was first married, was that we loved each other no matter what we looked like. As we both gained weight, I was less attracted to him and he was less attracted to me, although he was always quick to deny that and tell me he was attracted to me. The wakeup call was probably him cheating. That's when I guess I realized that my appearance was the least of our problems. But I did realize all of a sudden how important one's appearance is in marriage - not to be made up but that you show you're putting in an effort to stay in shape and maintain your appearance and more importantly your health so you can grow together as a couple.

I learned from my failed marriage - both the things to avoid in a partner (lying, sugar-coating etc.) and the things I could stand to change about myself. In the end, I lost weight for me, and for my son. While I'm realistic that in a relationship you will eventually see the other person at their worst (sick or exhausted or disheveled or experiencing the inevitable bumps in the road), I do think when I am ready for a serious relationship again, I will try my best to respect my body and myself and stay healthy, both outside and inside. While I think it's natural to try and be encouraging to your spouse, if I ever became overweight again and was in a relationship, I'd like to think I'd pick a partner who would tell me "honey, I'm worried about you. You have gained a little weight lately. Is everything OK? What can I do to help you get back on track." Because when you love someone, you shouldn't just tell them what they want to hear. You should tell them what they need to hear.
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post #23 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 06:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

Sorry, had to be away from the thread since early yesterday. Just want to remind everyone of the original question, which is specifically to the ladies, as we seem to be getting a bit afield:

Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
and you do not like that about him, how do you cope with it?

I could not be with someone like that. I am definitely a "Take me as I am or leave me" kind of wife.

I just cannot imagine staying with a guy whose desire is dependent on my weight, or whether I wear makeup, or how I dress. The thought makes me laugh, actually. Talk about handing over his power to me! Even if he cannot help it, I guess.

Anyway, if you are with a guy like that, and you don't like it, how do you cope? Do you think about leaving him? What prevents you from doing that?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #24 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 09:22 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
and you do not like that about him, how do you cope with it?

Anyway, if you are with a guy like that, and you don't like it, how do you cope? Do you think about leaving him? What prevents you from doing that?
I posted my "story" on another thread yesterday morning. My husband is one that cares about my weight and it certainly affects his attraction to me. He's said some hurtful things to me in the past and while maybe they're true, they could have been said in a better way.

No, I don't like it. I think he can be a hypocrite although he has lost weight recently. Yet he still has a belly which doesn't bother me at all. And I also think he has unrealistic expectations which could be from porn.

Yes, I've thought about leaving him MANY, MANY times but it's not because of the weight issue. I'm sure y'all know the reason why I've thought about leaving, if you're familiar with my story. The reason why I haven't left is because I WANT the marriage to work. He is actually the one that is fighting hard to not separate. He refuses to. I committed to him many years ago and I won't leave without trying everything that I can.

He needs me to lose weight to save the marriage. I need him to cut back dramatically on the drinking to save the marriage. We both have to do what we say we're going to do otherwise, it will not survive.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #25 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 09:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
I posted my "story" on another thread yesterday morning. My husband is one that cares about my weight and it certainly affects his attraction to me. He's said some hurtful things to me in the past and while maybe they're true, they could have been said in a better way.

No, I don't like it. I think he can be a hypocrite although he has lost weight recently. Yet he still has a belly which doesn't bother me at all. And I also think he has unrealistic expectations which could be from porn.

Yes, I've thought about leaving him MANY, MANY times but it's not because of the weight issue. I'm sure y'all know the reason why I've thought about leaving, if you're familiar with my story. The reason why I haven't left is because I WANT the marriage to work. He is actually the one that is fighting hard to not separate. He refuses to. I committed to him many years ago and I won't leave without trying everything that I can.

He needs me to lose weight to save the marriage. I need him to cut back dramatically on the drinking to save the marriage. We both have to do what we say we're going to do otherwise, it will not survive.
Thanks for sharing that, tropical. So your reason for staying is the commitment you made years ago? Is it just that? Or is there perhaps more to it?

Just trying to go a little deeper here.


One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #26 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 09:39 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Thanks for sharing that, tropical. So your reason for staying is the commitment you made years ago? Is it just that? Or is there perhaps more to it?

Just trying to go a little deeper here.
It's never just as simple as that! I can't hurt him. I think it would break his heart. I also think that if I left, he would drown himself in a bottle. I feel guilty and as if I would be responsible for that.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #27 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 09:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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It's never just as simple as that! I can't hurt him. I think it would break his heart. I also think that if I left, he would drown himself in a bottle. I feel guilty and as if I would be responsible for that.
Thanks for being transparent with us, tropical.

Are you in counseling? Has your therapist talked about where your responsibilities to him end, and the ones to yourself begin?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #28 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

....

I say Left, but mean Purple
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post #29 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 09:56 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Thanks for being transparent with us, tropical.

Are you in counseling? Has your therapist talked about where your responsibilities to him end, and the ones to yourself begin?
No, I'm not in counseling. I'm sure that I would really benefit from it. My co-dependency is not good.

(BTW-My husband has never told me that he would leave me if I didn't lose weight.)

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #30 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 09:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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No, I'm not in counseling. I'm sure that I would really benefit from it. My co-dependency is not good.

(BTW-My husband has never told me that he would leave me if I didn't lose weight.)
Any particular reason you are not in counseling?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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