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post #31 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 10:02 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Any particular reason you are not in counseling?
Good question.

Fear of facing my emotions and dealing with them. I would rather be happy and focus on the things that are going right. I don't want to focus on the negative crap. Counseling is going to open up a can of worms.


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post #32 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 10:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
Good question.

Fear of facing my emotions and dealing with them. I would rather be happy and focus on the things that are going right. I don't want to focus on the negative crap. Counseling is going to open up a can of worms.
It will, hon. You will indeed have to face your fears. You will come out stronger for having done so.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #33 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 06:05 PM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Why do women have to wear make up?I never do and I have excellent skin and am often being told I look younger than I am. I dont see the point of make up.
I personally love a little mascara (too much just looks bad) and some lip stick... My husband tells me I don't need to wear anything.... it's more ME who wants to do this.. so it's no pressure from him.. which is nice.. but I feel naked if I leave the house with no mascara on - at the very least..
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post #34 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 07:53 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Why do women have to wear make up?I never do and I have excellent skin and am often being told I look younger than I am. I dont see the point of make up.
I enjoy wearing makeup. It's part of my "look". I'll admit it gets to be a chore when i put it on for work 5 days a week. I never wear it on the weekends unless we're going out. I love trying new products and new techniques. I'm a girly girl lol.
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post #35 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 07:55 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
Good question.

Fear of facing my emotions and dealing with them. I would rather be happy and focus on the things that are going right. I don't want to focus on the negative crap. Counseling is going to open up a can of worms.
I can certainly understand this. Deciding to go to IC is a huge commitment.
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post #36 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 08:04 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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I enjoy wearing makeup. It's part of my "look". I'll admit it gets to be a chore when i put it on for work 5 days a week. I never wear it on the weekends unless we're going out. I love trying new products and new techniques. I'm a girly girl lol.
I'm a Girly girl and a Tom Boy.. I have dug ditches in a dress... I'm weird like that... I want some make up,.. but one thing I could never stand.. never cared about is : long nails.. they would get far too beat up, torn off or whatever - just doing things I need to get done around the house, helping him under a vehicle or something.... I would find it very annoying to have to watch my nails don't fall off... but I love to paint them!
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post #37 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 08:07 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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I'm a Girly girl and a Tom Boy.. I have dug ditches in a dress... I'm weird like that... I want some make up,.. but one thing I could never stand.. never cared about is : long nails.. they would get far too beat up, torn off or whatever - just doing things I need to get done around the house... I would find it very annoying to have to watch my nails don't fall off... but I love to paint them!
I've thought for awhile that you're the perfect woman. You have great taste in music, you're such a loving mother, and you're not high maintenance. You can get down with the boys, then be your girly self when you wanna. Pretty cool!
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post #38 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 09:41 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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I enjoy wearing makeup. It's part of my "look". I'll admit it gets to be a chore when i put it on for work 5 days a week. I never wear it on the weekends unless we're going out. I love trying new products and new techniques. I'm a girly girl lol.
I'll wear eye makeup during the week. It's really neutral and takes me 5 minutes max to put it on. I usually don't wear makeup on weekends either. I'm always pretty good about washing my face both morning and evening. I wish I would have been better about sunscreen in my earlier days!

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post #39 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 09:46 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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I can certainly understand this. Deciding to go to IC is a huge commitment.
I work for a large corporation but their coverage is crap in this area. They have an EAP which gives you 5 sessions per year with only certain selected counselors. I doubt much can be accomplished in 5 sessions, and then you're at their mercy at paying their regular rate when the freebies end. I'd rather select my own counseling and just pay myself.

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post #40 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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and you do not like that about him, how do you cope with it?
Yes...all of the men I've had LTR's with have cared. Can I answer even if that doesn't bother me?

It just doesn't bother me. I love feeling strong mutual physical and sexual attraction with a partner. I would not be able to function sexually without it. I love me, I like the way I look and I like my body. I want to be with a man who feels the same way about himself and who *I* am specifically attracted to. And I want him to be so strongly attracted to me, as I am, that he can't keep his hands or eyes off me.

The "as I am" part...I haven't significantly changed in weight since high school, and I'm 49 years old. I have always done what need to to maintain my body and health. I am a fit person, but not a hard body (never go to the gym, I just stay active). I enjoy moving through space, my body is my favorite vehicle. I want my man to love my body and want me, "as I am".

Since I have chosen for myself to always maintain my fitness and size, it is not an issue for me to think of whether he would care if I gained weight or not. I simply won't. Which is a choice entirely about myself, no one else. (I have to work at this...I'm not one of those naturally thin people who eats whatever they want).

I do know that every man I've been in an LTR with has cared, as I said above, and the reason I know is because they said words to the effect that they loved my body so much and couldn't imagine me not having it...that I just wouldn't be the same without it. And it is true, I agree, I wouldn't be the same. The way I look, move, have sex, wear clothes...none of that would be the same.

However....I also know if I were 20 or 40 pounds heavier, for instance, a whole different subgroup of men would be MORE attracted to me. And they would say the same thing to me...that they love my body so much and couldn't imagine me not having it. They wouldn't want me to lose weight, they would love all the extra cushioning and curves.

I love that men want our bodies...all different sizes and shapes of them...I love that we inspire lust in men with our bodies. This is a natural thing that happens, we are designed this way. It makes me tingle all over when I think of the strong pull that is caused by this irresistible attraction.

None of the men I've been with have ever gained or lost any significant amount of weight during our relationship. I was very attracted to all of them, they all had fantastic bodies (my opinion, not saying everyone would agree) with different body types. I would have felt less attracted to any of them if they gained or lost significant amounts of weight.

During all of my relationships, both of us have gone up or down maybe 10 pounds once in awhile...after holidays, etc....this is insignificant and never affected our attraction for each other. I don't know how much weight it would take to change our attraction, but certainly small fluctuations are not even noticed and even if they are noticed, it can be fun to be a little "different" in our shapes for a little while.

Maintaining our bodies and fitness is never a topic that we have worried about or had any sort of disagreement about. If we discuss our bodies, it is to discuss how much we love them (our own and the other's).


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post #41 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 12:07 PM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

Think it's important to know what's important to the person you're marrying, so you're not surprised by things after marriage. I can't imagine being with a guy who would judge me for gaining say 10 -20 lbs, but if I became very over weight, and it was unhealthy...would it be wrong of him to tell me? No, and it wouldn't be wrong of me to tell my partner that, either. Health and fitness are important to me and my fiance (and most guys I've dated, tbh) so for now, it's not an issue. But, it's not coming from a place of vanity, although it feels good to look our best, I think? It's more coming from a place of health.

That said, if the husband is out of shape, then he shouldn't expect his wife to be a 10. lol I've observed that with men in relationships, and it's like...you should only request from your partner what you're capable of offering, IMO.

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post #42 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Yes...all of the men I've had LTR's with have cared. Can I answer even if that doesn't bother me?

It just doesn't bother me. I love feeling strong mutual physical and sexual attraction with a partner. I would not be able to function sexually without it. I love me, I like the way I look and I like my body. I want to be with a man who feels the same way about himself and who *I* am specifically attracted to. And I want him to be so strongly attracted to me, as I am, that he can't keep his hands or eyes off me.

The "as I am" part...I haven't significantly changed in weight since high school, and I'm 49 years old. I have always done what need to to maintain my body and health. I am a fit person, but not a hard body (never go to the gym, I just stay active). I enjoy moving through space, my body is my favorite vehicle. I want my man to love my body and want me, "as I am".

Since I have chosen for myself to always maintain my fitness and size, it is not an issue for me to think of whether he would care if I gained weight or not. I simply won't. Which is a choice entirely about myself, no one else. (I have to work at this...I'm not one of those naturally thin people who eats whatever they want).

I do know that every man I've been in an LTR with has cared, as I said above, and the reason I know is because they said words to the effect that they loved my body so much and couldn't imagine me not having it...that I just wouldn't be the same without it. And it is true, I agree, I wouldn't be the same. The way I look, move, have sex, wear clothes...none of that would be the same.

However....I also know if I were 20 or 40 pounds heavier, for instance, a whole different subgroup of men would be MORE attracted to me. And they would say the same thing to me...that they love my body so much and couldn't imagine me not having it. They wouldn't want me to lose weight, they would love all the extra cushioning and curves.

I love that men want our bodies...all different sizes and shapes of them...I love that we inspire lust in men with our bodies. This is a natural thing that happens, we are designed this way. It makes me tingle all over when I think of the strong pull that is caused by this irresistible attraction.

None of the men I've been with have ever gained or lost any significant amount of weight during our relationship. I was very attracted to all of them, they all had fantastic bodies (my opinion, not saying everyone would agree) with different body types. I would have felt less attracted to any of them if they gained or lost significant amounts of weight.

During all of my relationships, both of us have gone up or down maybe 10 pounds once in awhile...after holidays, etc....this is insignificant and never affected our attraction for each other. I don't know how much weight it would take to change our attraction, but certainly small fluctuations are not even noticed and even if they are noticed, it can be fun to be a little "different" in our shapes for a little while.

Maintaining our bodies and fitness is never a topic that we have worried about or had any sort of disagreement about. If we discuss our bodies, it is to discuss how much we love them (our own and the other's).
I can appreciate this POV.

I'm not heavy either, honestly. I am definitely not fit, but wouldn't say I'm fat or even close to it.

There's just something about being caught up in appearances that offends me. I can't put my finger on it and I don't judge other people's relationships if they've got a system that works. It's just a personal hang up.

Some of my best friends through out life have been heavy. Some significantly, morbidly obese. I've watched on the sidelines how that affects every part of their daily life...and worse, how others treat them because of their weight. At best, they are invisible to others. At worse, people are disgusted by them. But they are genuinely some of the best people I've ever met. It hurts my heart to think that they would struggle as they do over a physical trait of their body.

I was lucky enough to always be naturally thin and got used to men checking me out everywhere I went. I thought it was just one of those parts of being a woman, until I realized that my heavier friends never experienced it and even sometimes found men making fun of them or openly expressing disgust. I guess I was naive! But man would it make me angry!

Sorry for the tangent.
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post #43 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 12:11 PM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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I posted my "story" on another thread yesterday morning. My husband is one that cares about my weight and it certainly affects his attraction to me. He's said some hurtful things to me in the past and while maybe they're true, they could have been said in a better way.

No, I don't like it. I think he can be a hypocrite although he has lost weight recently. Yet he still has a belly which doesn't bother me at all. And I also think he has unrealistic expectations which could be from porn.

Yes, I've thought about leaving him MANY, MANY times but it's not because of the weight issue. I'm sure y'all know the reason why I've thought about leaving, if you're familiar with my story. The reason why I haven't left is because I WANT the marriage to work. He is actually the one that is fighting hard to not separate. He refuses to. I committed to him many years ago and I won't leave without trying everything that I can.

He needs me to lose weight to save the marriage. I need him to cut back dramatically on the drinking to save the marriage. We both have to do what we say we're going to do otherwise, it will not survive.
So he drinks too much, has a belly and views porn. And he wants YOU to work hard at saving the marriage?

You deserve better. Lose the weight FOR YOU. Be fit FOR YOU. Granted, I do believe in couples staying fit to be attractive for each other, but it sounds like he is a jerk about it to you, and meanwhile, he isn't fit. Imagine if you told him...lose that belly if you want to save the marriage? lol

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post #44 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
Yes...all of the men I've had LTR's with have cared. Can I answer even if that doesn't bother me?

It just doesn't bother me. I love feeling strong mutual physical and sexual attraction with a partner. I would not be able to function sexually without it. I love me, I like the way I look and I like my body. I want to be with a man who feels the same way about himself and who *I* am specifically attracted to. And I want him to be so strongly attracted to me, as I am, that he can't keep his hands or eyes off me.

The "as I am" part...I haven't significantly changed in weight since high school, and I'm 49 years old. I have always done what need to to maintain my body and health. I am a fit person, but not a hard body (never go to the gym, I just stay active). I enjoy moving through space, my body is my favorite vehicle. I want my man to love my body and want me, "as I am".

Since I have chosen for myself to always maintain my fitness and size, it is not an issue for me to think of whether he would care if I gained weight or not. I simply won't. Which is a choice entirely about myself, no one else. (I have to work at this...I'm not one of those naturally thin people who eats whatever they want).

I do know that every man I've been in an LTR with has cared, as I said above, and the reason I know is because they said words to the effect that they loved my body so much and couldn't imagine me not having it...that I just wouldn't be the same without it. And it is true, I agree, I wouldn't be the same. The way I look, move, have sex, wear clothes...none of that would be the same.

However....I also know if I were 20 or 40 pounds heavier, for instance, a whole different subgroup of men would be MORE attracted to me. And they would say the same thing to me...that they love my body so much and couldn't imagine me not having it. They wouldn't want me to lose weight, they would love all the extra cushioning and curves.

I love that men want our bodies...all different sizes and shapes of them...I love that we inspire lust in men with our bodies. This is a natural thing that happens, we are designed this way. It makes me tingle all over when I think of the strong pull that is caused by this irresistible attraction.

None of the men I've been with have ever gained or lost any significant amount of weight during our relationship. I was very attracted to all of them, they all had fantastic bodies (my opinion, not saying everyone would agree) with different body types. I would have felt less attracted to any of them if they gained or lost significant amounts of weight.

During all of my relationships, both of us have gone up or down maybe 10 pounds once in awhile...after holidays, etc....this is insignificant and never affected our attraction for each other. I don't know how much weight it would take to change our attraction, but certainly small fluctuations are not even noticed and even if they are noticed, it can be fun to be a little "different" in our shapes for a little while.

Maintaining our bodies and fitness is never a topic that we have worried about or had any sort of disagreement about. If we discuss our bodies, it is to discuss how much we love them (our own and the other's).
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, FW. They are always worth reading.

I tried to keep the thread focused, as I know the subject of weight is broad. Maybe more threads will open up to discuss other aspects of it.

I really cannot figure out why a woman would stay with a man who would harp on her weight, or just in general not love her body as it is. Not if she were able to leave him, anyway.

Hoping there will be more responses on this puzzling question . . .

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #45 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 12:47 PM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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I can appreciate this POV.

I'm not heavy either, honestly. I am definitely not fit, but wouldn't say I'm fat or even close to it.

There's just something about being caught up in appearances that offends me. I can't put my finger on it and I don't judge other people's relationships if they've got a system that works. It's just a personal hang up.

Some of my best friends through out life have been heavy. Some significantly, morbidly obese. I've watched on the sidelines how that affects every part of their daily life...and worse, how others treat them because of their weight. At best, they are invisible to others. At worse, people are disgusted by them. But they are genuinely some of the best people I've ever met. It hurts my heart to think that they would struggle as they do over a physical trait of their body.

I was lucky enough to always be naturally thin and got used to men checking me out everywhere I went. I thought it was just one of those parts of being a woman, until I realized that my heavier friends never experienced it and even sometimes found men making fun of them or openly expressing disgust. I guess I was naive! But man would it make me angry!

Sorry for the tangent.
I have seen what you are describing, and it makes me sick, too (when men or women are cruel to others based on their size or shape...or for any other reason).

But I have also seen kind of the opposite of what you describe. I have heavy female friends who get hit on all the time by men who aren't attracted to stick figures. These friends know they are beautiful inside and out, and the world reflects that back to them, too.

I don't think that just because I am a certain size or weight that mine is the ideal size or weight. All shapes and sizes are beautiful and there are those who are attracted to each type. My size is only ideal for me. My girlfriend who is a lovely thick and beautiful woman is the ideal size for her. Neither of us are concerned about men who are attracted to each other, that means we aren't their type and typically they aren't our types, either. We tend to attract men who are our types. Nature helps us out this way. There's someone for everyone.

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