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post #46 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 12:49 PM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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I really cannot figure out why a woman would stay with a man who would harp on her weight, or just in general not love her body as it is. Not if she were able to leave him, anyway.

Hoping there will be more responses on this puzzling question . . .
I don't see any reason either partner should "harp" on the other about weight. If a wife or husband gained weight and their spouse didn't like it so much that they would "harp" about it, I think they'd be better off parting ways.


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post #47 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 12:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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I don't see any reason either partner should "harp" on the other about weight. If a wife or husband gained weight and their spouse didn't like it so much that they would "harp" about it, I think they'd be better off parting ways.
I agree, FW.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #48 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 07:41 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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So he drinks too much, has a belly and views porn. And he wants YOU to work hard at saving the marriage?

You deserve better. Lose the weight FOR YOU. Be fit FOR YOU. Granted, I do believe in couples staying fit to be attractive for each other, but it sounds like he is a jerk about it to you, and meanwhile, he isn't fit. Imagine if you told him...lose that belly if you want to save the marriage? lol
He does work out quite a bit; I think it's more weight lifting than cardio though. He always talks about his workout friends at the gym so I always have this picture of him standing around chit chatting with everyone! LOL. And my guess is, the calories come from the vodka & diet root beer that he drinks. And he really likes pizza. I do like men that have more meat on them so it doesn't bother me at all (to a certain point). Any extra weight will go to his stomach & face.

Last week, I had bought a new scale that measures my body fat in addition to weight and it sends the info to my Fit Bit phone app. He apparently got on the scale Saturday night, then came to bed and announced that he didn't like what the scale said. LOL. I had to chuckle at that one. So on Sunday, he was asking me if I planned on working out because he wanted to join me! Another chuckle. . . .

He doesn't harp on me about it. It's come up 3 times that I can remember (we've been married over 15 years).

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post #49 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 09:05 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

I'm sure my hb would care if I put on a lot, particularly if it was due to me being lazy.

I think he'd be more tolerant if it was beyond my control.

I'd feel the same way about him.

I've said before that I think everyone cares about weight, it's just that we all have different ranges we're ok with. Almost nobody would be ok with their partner ballooning to the point where they couldn't walk.

But 20 pounds might not bother a lot of people.

I did gain some weight a couple of years ago, maybe 15-20 pounds.....mostly due to running injuries and bad food choices. God bless my hb he never said a word and is better off for it, because I decided to deal with the weight myself. I'm sure he noticed because I don't carry it well.

I do think one has to be reasonable and allow for a little fluctuation due to life happening. I know I've told my hb that he has 20 pounds before I'd even notice let alone care, but he's bigger and carries weight better than me.

I gain 10 pounds and my face blows up.

It's funny, I've lost all of it and more and people do comment. Because of how poorly I carry it always looks like I've lost more than I actually have. Hb's response is usually along the lines of "well she's been running a bit more, but she's always looked great".

He knows I'm private.
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post #50 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 09:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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I'm sure my hb would care if I put on a lot, particularly if it was due to me being lazy.

I think he'd be more tolerant if it was beyond my control.

I'd feel the same way about him.

I've said before that I think everyone cares about weight, it's just that we all have different ranges we're ok with. Almost nobody would be ok with their partner ballooning to the point where they couldn't walk.

But 20 pounds might not bother a lot of people.

I did gain some weight a couple of years ago, maybe 15-20 pounds.....mostly due to running injuries and bad food choices. God bless my hb he never said a word and is better off for it, because I decided to deal with the weight myself. I'm sure he noticed because I don't carry it well.

I do think one has to be reasonable and allow for a little fluctuation due to life happening. I know I've told my hb that he has 20 pounds before I'd even notice let alone care, but he's bigger and carries weight better than me.

I gain 10 pounds and my face blows up.

It's funny, I've lost all of it and more and people do comment. Because of how poorly I carry it always looks like I've lost more than I actually have. Hb's response is usually along the lines of "well she's been running a bit more, but she's always looked great".

He knows I'm private.
Life, if a husband cared about a wife's weight, and she did *not* like that about him, what would you advise her?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #51 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 10:04 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

It wouldn't have bothered me that my STBX was bothered by my weight gain if he hadn't been so hypocritical about it.

I'm 5'5. He's 6'3 1/2. When we met I was 19 years old and 110 pounds (underweight). He was 21 years old and 220 pounds (slightly overweight but he carried it well.)

By the time I hit 130 pounds, at 30 years old, he was complaining about my weight even though it was actually at a healthier point for my height. He was around 280 by then which was definitely both overweight and unhealthy. He pushed me to lose weight with putdowns like you're such a pig these days. I tried to get him to lose weight by telling him I was concerned about his health. But we never actually argued or fought about it.

Then I got pregnant. My weight topped out at 153 which my OB was actually concerned was too low. My H thought I was disgusting. He wouldn't touch me and starting sleeping in the guest room bed. When I was 5 months pregnant he started an affair with his ex-gf from high school. Two months after our son was born he left me for her. He was probably 300 pounds at this point so his complaints about my weight were incredibly hypocritical.

The woman he left me for? She's only 4'10 and weighs about 90 pounds. I can't imagine how they have sex.

Last time I saw him, which was 6 years ago, he was probably pushing 350. He looked awful - flabby and bloated and unhealthy. But he had the nerve to tell me that *l* looked like ****. I was sitting around 150 pounds at the time which at my height isn't even seriously overweight - I'm still a size 8. But somehow or other he still gets women. He just doesn't keep them for long. Maybe they get sick of the hypocritical shallowness as well.

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post #52 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 10:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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It wouldn't have bothered me that my STBX was bothered by my weight gain if he hadn't been so hypocritical about it.

I'm 5'5. He's 6'3 1/2. When we met I was 19 years old and 110 pounds (underweight). He was 21 years old and 220 pounds (slightly overweight but he carried it well.)

By the time I hit 130 pounds, at 30 years old, he was complaining about my weight even though it was actually at a healthier point for my height. He was around 280 by then which was definitely both overweight and unhealthy. He pushed me to lose weight with putdowns like you're such a pig these days. I tried to get him to lose weight by telling him I was concerned about his health. But we never actually argued or fought about it.

Then I got pregnant. My weight topped out at 153 which my OB was actually concerned was too low. My H thought I was disgusting. He wouldn't touch me and starting sleeping in the guest room bed. When I was 5 months pregnant he started an affair with his ex-gf from high school. Two months after our son was born he left me for her. He was probably 300 pounds at this point so his complaints about my weight were incredibly hypocritical.

The woman he left me for? She's only 4'10 and weighs about 90 pounds. I can't imagine how they have sex.

Last time I saw him, which was 6 years ago, he was probably pushing 350. He looked awful - flabby and bloated and unhealthy. But he had the nerve to tell me that *l* looked like ****. I was sitting around 150 pounds at the time which at my height isn't even seriously overweight - I'm still a size 8. But somehow or other he still gets women. He just doesn't keep them for long. Maybe they get sick of the hypocritical shallowness as well.
Wow. How did you not leave him on the spot when you heard that?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #53 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 10:21 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Wow. How did you not leave him on the spot when you heard that?

At least in part because we were living over 1000 miles from home and family at the time, he was the primary breadwinner, and I was still a college student. He was a professor and I was getting free tuition because of it. I've also always had low self esteem - he convinced me if I left him I'd never find someone else who would want me. He was apparently right too - in 13 years since he left I've never even been asked on a single date, despite the fact that I stopped wearing my wedding ring way back in 2007 and I certainly don't make a point of telling people that I'm still legally married.

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #54 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 10:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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At least in part because we were living over 1000 miles from home and family at the time, he was the primary breadwinner, and I was still a college student. He was a professor and I was getting free tuition because of it. I've also always had low self esteem - he convinced me if I left him I'd never find someone else who would want me. He was apparently right too - in 13 years since he left I've never even been asked on a single date, despite the fact that I stopped wearing my wedding ring way back in 2007 and I certainly don't make a point of telling people that I'm still legally married.
Why are you not divorced?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #55 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 10:36 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Why are you not divorced?
Originally because I needed his health insurance. I have serious health issues and he has some of the best insurance available. At this point, it's because he's expatriated and I don't know where he is. Plus the lawyer I talked to said an international divorce would cost thousands. I'm trying to support myself and my son on $900/month so an expensive divorce is out of the question. I'm trying to catch him when he's in country but it's usually only a few short visits per year. I had divorce papers served to his mother's house just last week, I'm hoping he'll visit her when he's in the States for the SuperBowl next month. Assuming he even goes now that Green Bay is out. He might just resell his tickets.


The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #56 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 10:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Originally because I needed his health insurance. I have serious health issues and he has some of the best insurance available. At this point, it's because he's expatriated and I don't know where he is. Plus the lawyer I talked to said an international divorce would cost thousands. I'm trying to support myself and my son on $900/month so an expensive divorce is out of the question. I'm trying to catch him when he's in country but it's usually only a few short visits per year. I had divorce papers served to his mother's house just last week, I'm hoping he'll visit her when he's in the States for the SuperBowl next month. Assuming he even goes now that Green Bay is out. He might just resell his tickets.
Wow, that sounds complicated. Hope you can extricate yourself quickly.

Do you have health insurance through your job now?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #57 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 10:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

I guess I like feeling free in my marriage. Or as free as a person can feel in marriage.

I would hate to feel like I had to weigh a certain amount to stay married. I would rather just free us both up to find people we felt completely comfortable with, however they are.

And now that I have been married to someone who likes me just the way I am, I don't think I could accept a marriage any other way.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #58 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 04:47 PM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Wow, that sounds complicated. Hope you can extricate yourself quickly.

Do you have health insurance through your job now?
I don't work anymore my health won't allow it. I can barely even leave my house the last few months. I am in the process of applying for disability but the process can take years.

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
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post #59 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 09:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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I don't work anymore my health won't allow it. I can barely even leave my house the last few months. I am in the process of applying for disability but the process can take years.
You said you had a heart artack? Do you know why?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #60 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 09:50 AM
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I guess I like feeling free in my marriage. Or as free as a person can feel in marriage.

I would hate to feel like I had to weigh a certain amount to stay married. I would rather just free us both up to find people we felt completely comfortable with, however they are.

And now that I have been married to someone who likes me just the way I am, I don't think I could accept a marriage any other way.
I like this!!
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