Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight, - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 08:58 AM Thread Starter
jld
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Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

and you do not like that about him, how do you cope with it?

I could not be with someone like that. I am definitely a "Take me as I am or leave me" kind of wife.

I just cannot imagine staying with a guy whose desire is dependent on my weight, or whether I wear makeup, or how I dress. The thought makes me laugh, actually. Talk about handing over his power to me! Even if he cannot help it, I guess.

Anyway, if you are with a guy like that, and you don't like it, how do you cope? Do you think about leaving him? What prevents you from doing that?


One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #2 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 09:45 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

I once dated a guy whose ex wife was a fitness model! He had anger issues...

I don't wear make up, I don't go to salons to do my hair, I do not get manicures, or pedicures. Sometimes, I do feel as if the person I am with would rather be with a woman
who "prims" herself with make up and nice things...

This feeling eventually goes away. I like me.

I say Left, but mean Purple
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post #3 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 09:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Originally Posted by ne9907 View Post
I once dated a guy whose ex wife was a fitness model! He had anger issues...

I don't wear make up, I don't go to salons to do my hair, I do not get manicures, or pedicures. Sometimes, I do feel as if the person I am with would rather be with a woman
who "prims" herself with make up and nice things...

This feeling eventually goes away. I like me.
Beautiful!

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #4 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 10:25 AM
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and you do not like that about him, how do you cope with it?

I could not be with someone like that. I am definitely a "Take me as I am or leave me" kind of wife.

I just cannot imagine staying with a guy whose desire is dependent on my weight, or whether I wear makeup, or how I dress. The thought makes me laugh, actually. Talk about handing over his power to me! Even if he cannot help it, I guess.

Anyway, if you are with a guy like that, and you don't like it, how do you cope? Do you think about leaving him? What prevents you from doing that?
For me it was a long term relationship post divorce. I gained some weight over the years heading into late 40s (not enough to even change my clothing size, my same years old US size 6 pants still fit). He would make comments. Rude. Continual. There were other relationship issues, but that bit about my weight, given that my SAME years old clothes still fit and that I actually liked having more of a weight cushion in case I got sick and lost a ton of weight (as is what happens to me) turned me off completely. Ended it!
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post #5 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 10:32 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

First, you are only asking ladies. And, this is a "pre-loaded" question.

Note: there is putting on weight and putting on a "lot of weight".

2d Note: There is going without makeup, not fixing up your hair and not wearing stylish clothing and there is never wearing makeup, keeping your hair unkempt and greasy and wearing baggy sweat pants and sweat shirts most of the time.

If you think men should typically not give a damn whether his wife is obese, slovenly and unattractive then you are delusional. It is one thing if a man married such a women, it is another if she changed her appearance, as mentioned, after marriage.

Men are visually inclined. A married women is free to act and dress as she pleases. She is also free to break up her marriage by her choices. A wife should be loved passionately, but sorry, not unconditionally. If a women does not love herself and lets herself go, then she risks letting her marriage go.
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post #6 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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For me it was a long term relationship post divorce. I gained some weight over the years heading into late 40s (not enough to even change my clothing size, my same years old US size 6 pants still fit). He would make comments. Rude. Continual. There were other relationship issues, but that bit about my weight, given that my SAME years old clothes still fit and that I actually liked having more of a weight cushion in case I got sick and lost a ton of weight (as is what happens to me) turned me off completely. Ended it!
Yay! Freedom!

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #7 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 10:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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First, you are only asking ladies. And, this is a "pre-loaded" question.

Note: there is putting on weight and putting on a "lot of weight".

2d Note: There is going without makeup, not fixing up your hair and not wearing stylish clothing and there is never wearing makeup, keeping your hair unkempt and greasy and wearing baggy sweat pants and sweat shirts most of the time.

If you think men should typically not give a damn whether his wife is obese, slovenly and unattractive then you are delusional. It is one thing if a man married such a women, it is another if she changed her appearance, as mentioned, after marriage.

Men are visually inclined. A married women is free to act and dress as she pleases. She is also free to break up her marriage by her choices. A wife should be loved passionately, but sorry, not unconditionally. If a women does not love herself and lets herself go, then she risks letting her marriage go.
The question is to women, and it is a specific one.

If I had a question for men on the subject, I would go ask it in Men's Clubhouse.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #8 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 10:45 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

.

Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 01-20-2017 at 06:02 PM.
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post #9 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 10:47 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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The question is to women, and it is a specific one.

If I had a question for men on the subject, I would go ask it in Men's Clubhouse.
Yes you did. Sorry.
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post #10 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 11:12 AM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

Reading this back.. I probably shouldn't have replied either , like ulyssesheart.. sorry jld...

When you really think about it.. it could be many other things besides weight....where a husband is feeling increasing bothered over "___________________________".

Example: Not keeping the house up enough, not contributing enough financially...falling short in other areas that matter to him -yet she just doesn't feel that way at all..

This is one you'd never put up with (a deal breaker for you).....

I don't think any of us want to feel "intense pressure" where we ourselves just don't feel that way.. again.. could be many things -like my example of being married to a "Fitness junky"... I'd resent that sort of pressure.

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post #11 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 11:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
There are plenty other things that would bother me if I wasn't accepted by a man...the weight thing is just not one of them...

Due to threads here & opening up this conversation...Yes.. my husband would lose desire if I gained too much, he'd still love me but basically our sex life would suffer... I can't have that, I wouldn't be able to handle it !!!... We've talked about it openly.... I feel the same as him.. so it's an equal thing here -in how we see this, at least we're compatible in it..

Now ...on another level ...If a man expected me to work out daily, must belong to a Gym, expect me to drink daily green concoctions for my health...being married to a Fitness rat basically..... this I would NOT be able to stand.. that sort of perfection, demands...

The truth is - I hate exercising.. We've done it together and really... I just didn't enjoy it, we couldn't keep it up every day... I'd seriously rather dig a ditch, take a hike up a mountain or just work -and sexorcise..

Speaking of Salons, etc... I'm not one to get pampered out & about.. I do my own hair, never had a manicure or pedicure in my life ...but I very much enjoy dresses, heels, a little make up... I want to feel I still catch HIS eye, even though we've been together... like forever.

Back in the day when I was "too kid focused".. I didn't put as much into caring how I looked out & about.. or going to bed ... Lingerie was rarely a thought, sorry to say.. though he's never been one to complain or say anything to hurt me.. still I've learned, due to my asking... he hated my "little house on the prairie" nightgowns back then...so Yeah.. he is one to get more of a thrill if I take some care -showing some sex appeal- in his presence.
Lol, I am wearing one of those nightgowns right now! Dug thinks they're cute!

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #12 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 12:32 PM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

@jld... question: Do you acknowledge that some men have an "emotional need" in this area or do you strike that down as the height of shallowness, even shameful if they do...as if they can help this...

Can we help or switch what our deepest desires are , what gives rise to our emotional fulfillment's ? You have always been magnetically attracted to high intelligence/ the educated type- where a man's looks has a much lower effect... can you switch this off ?

What about some of us having an emotional need for Financial Support ..should we be ashamed.. or try to deny it -if we lose attraction to a man who isn't earning enough, or struggles to hold a job making the income level we married him at... I think back on that thread where the wife's career took off, breaking the glass ceiling, his income faltered...you felt strongly she should just leave him since her attraction was lost, asking "what is she supposed to do?"... you had great sympathy for her turmoil and seen this as the only answer..

Isn't this really the same thing.. Both would be seen as shallow... is one worse over the other?? and why? If anything.. it shows Love does not conquer all.

So you feel like this woman -her letter to Dr Harley:

Meeting The Emotional Need For Physical Attractiveness - Letter to Dr Harley

Quote:
Dear Dr. Harley,

My husband and I have read His Needs, Her Needs and agree with most of it, but I was totally disgusted with your viewpoint on women's appearance. At the time, I was so offended that I couldn't stomach any more of your views and had to put the book down.

When you talk about women keeping up their appearances for men, you treat them like objects. Personally, I like to judge a person on their worth, not on their appearance. And, how come you never mention that a man should stay in shape for his wife? You sure don't say anything about beer bellies or flabby couch potatoes.

I wear make-up maybe twice a year, if that, and my husband then asks me why I'm wearing it. And, as I grow older and more wrinkles appear, a normal part of the aging process, I hope my husband is mature enough not to want me to have plastic surgery!

Sincerely,
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post #13 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 12:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

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Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
@jld... question: Do you acknowledge that some men have an "emotional need" in this area or do you strike that down as the height of shallowness, even shameful if they do...as if they can help this...

Can we help or switch what our deepest desires, what gives rise to our emotional fulfillment's ? You have always been magnetically attracted to high intelligence/ the educated type- where a man's looks just doesn't enter in... can you switch this off ?

What about some of us having an emotional need for Financial Support ..should we be ashamed.. or try to deny it -if we lose attraction to a man who isn't earning enough, or struggles to hold a job making the income level we married him at... I think back on that thread where the wife's career took off, breaking the glass ceiling, his income faltered...you felt strongly she should just leave him since her attraction was lost, asking "what is she supposed to do?"... you had great sympathy for her turmoil and seen this as the only answer..

Isn't this really the same thing.. Both would be seen as shallow... is one worse over the other?? and why? If anything.. it shows Love does not conquer all.

So you feel like this woman -her letter to Dr Harley:

Meeting The Emotional Need For Physical Attractiveness - Letter to Dr Harley
Oh, I absolutely think people are entitled to their own views, values, needs. Adult relationships are a free market.

Would it be worth it to me to be with a man like that? Nope. But he is certainly entitled to seek that out.

And that may be exactly what another woman wants in a man. They would then be a great fit.

To me this is not about shame. It is about freedom and the right fit.

Does that seem clearer?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #14 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

I couldn't be with a man like that. Bodies change over time, we age, things sag and metabolism changes. And besides, I want a man to love me for ME, not my body type.

I've always been a sapiosexual, myself. A man's brain and personality is what attracts me to him. I've dated men of all shapes and sizes, although I do have a thing for bigger, burly guys. They make me feel petite and dainty. My current partner is tall and meaty, and he does have a little bit of a belly. It bothers him, and he's said on more than one occasion, how can you be with a guy who is so fat? It's never bothered me. I actually like his belly. I don't want him to gain any more weight, but that's because of health reasons more than anything else, and because it would impact our sex life (from a physical ability standpoint and the fact that weight gain would screw with his hormones and lower his sex drive). I would be ok with him losing weight for the same reason, and also because I know that would make him happier about himself and healthier, not because it would make him more attractive to me. I've seen pictures of him when he was younger and thinner. I don't think he understands that is who I see when I look at him, because I see HIM.

And I want a man who thinks the same way.

I know my partner does. He has some, er, clothing items from a previous time in his life. He says his XW never wore them, but I realized by looking at them that he has dated some MUCH smaller women in the past. He wanted me to wear some. (Yes, that's messed up. I dealt with it, and he now realizes how messed up it was to ask me. no need to discuss.) I looked at them, and before he ever asked, I knew they would never fit me. But when he asked me to wear them, I realized that my body size doesn't register with him--how could it, if he thinks I would be able to wear these things, which to me so obviously will not fit? That was when I realized that he sees ME, not my size, and it was a very touching moment, despite the other part of it that was kind of screwed up.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #15 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: Ladies, if your husband *does* care about your weight,

I will add that my partner's requirements, or need, for physical attractiveness isn't based on body type or my size. So, I think this can vary for men.

I do have a great a$$ and a great rack (and I would at any size), so he likes when I wear something that emphasizes one or both (given the choice, he would go with boobs). And he thinks I'm look great without makeup, but he also likes it when I do wear makeup. So, if we are going out, and I'm running behind, I'll say, I'm just going to skip the makeup... and he'll say, no, do your makeup, it won't matter if we're a little late. There are certain nighties and PJs that he likes, and others he doesn't. There are certain hairstyles that he likes. These are all things I can, and am happy to, do for him to meet the physical appearance need.

He does the same for me. He wears clothes that he knows I like, and solicits my opinion on his clothing choice all the time. He styles his hair in a way he knows I like. He trims his nose and ear hair, lol.

It goes both ways

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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