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post #16 of 21 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 09:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: conflicted wife who needs advice.

Originally Posted by SunnyT View Post
Ok.... but instead of just venting, start formulating a plan.

Talk to your friends....FIND a babysitter. I get that you don't have money..... find someone who will trade babysitting for a few hours?

PLAN a vacation. A family one.... maybe via Ohio, so your parents can keep the kids for a few days so you two can have grown up fun?
There's a study that said even planning a trip, or a future, is uplifting mentally. Besides, once H gets back to work and you can start catching up on bills and saving some money, a vacation could happen!

And ya know....a LOT of moms get tired of their kids. When my kids were little, my fantasies weren't sexual, they were about PEACE & QUIET with no little people in sight. I admit, I dreamed of running away. Why do you think moms hide in the bathroom, eating a Twinkie while little babies cry outside the door? Cuz they need a few minutes.

So figure out one or two things that you CAN do, instead of focusing on all the things you CAN'T do.

Besides, what's the alternative? You really going to run away? Ditch the family, get a divorce, join the Peace Corp, see the world???? What is the alternative to living the life you have, and making improvements on it?
The more we plan our future the farther it seems. and when trying to talk about our future with no job, it doesn't make me feel good about the situation.
finding a babysitter isn't so easy when my child have separation anxiety and I fear she will scream the whole time, hell she does with her own father what will stop her from doing it with them and then they don't want to keep her. Id rather have family do it but don't have anyone to do it. I don't want to go to Ohio for vacation haha, too cold and im not a city girl... I prefer a beach and we can plan one, if only I can keep it planned and go.. I don't usually hide in the bathroom bc she knows how to open the door and listening to screaming outside the door doesn't help anything, I fantasize about peace and quiet... believe me, that's why I would run away if I wouldn't look like satan when I did it. I really would. I want to be selfish for once. I have been taking care of everyone else so much that I forgot who I was and what I want. I don't know what I would do exactly, but I cant help but think of the things I cant do bc Im tied down with the kids and hubby, who wants to take a road trip with a toddler who literally screams the whole time? literally, I don't joke, and who wants to go somewhere where may be fun for kids, like a water park or Disney, just to listen to more than one kid cry and scream.? no way. My head needs peace and quiet and to be left alone. I know these stages of parenthood wont last forever, but I know that even when they do get better then at some point it will be bad again.

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post #17 of 21 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 09:04 PM
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Re: conflicted wife who needs advice.

33 Confessional Tweets From "Bad" Moms (Slide #1) - Parenthood

A little levity.
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post #18 of 21 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 09:32 PM
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Re: conflicted wife who needs advice.

Originally Posted by freedomluv View Post
My husband was alone for 37 years, exploring all the united states.. had a fun filled traveling bachelor life. I have no idea why he doesn't do those things, maybe bc Im so OCD, but as long as Im not there witnessing how the cleaning is being done, then I don't care, coming home after working to a clean house would be wonderful.. even after ive basically cleaned everyday when I get home, home is semi trashed bc of him and kids being together. Im almost afraid to ask him for a mini vacation by myself, well, we don't have the money right now, and now our adult only trip to florida in march is probably already cancelled bc of the job loss. that drives me crazy and makes me upset bc I needed that, we needed that... and now nothing.. and if I wanna take one, no different,. don't have the funds..... he will get a trip to Chicago in feb, but his friend is willing to pay his way. (pays to be friends with milliionaires) (sometimes) so he will have a nice vaca, and then whenever we have the funds then maybe Ill get my vacation. ughh I don't want to keep him in the dark, but the man is so head over heels in love with me, I don't want to upset him with something.. I don't want him to think I don't want to be with him but I do want to be alone for some sort of time period. a vacation or something... work is helping... and the don't cheat on him thing... I wouldn't but its come across my mind just for simple fact I just want someone to (not to be forward, but were all adults here) bend me over and do the dang thing... that makes me feel sexy... and trust me when I tell you that Ive asked him on several occasions to smack that A** and the man doesn't know how.... its a baby tap..... like hes too afraid.
F'n tell him harder! As far as the other better he suffer a little now then he lose you. He is going to lose you. He needs the facts. By the way he is going to get a job, it just takes time.
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post #19 of 21 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 07:26 AM
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Re: conflicted wife who needs advice.

Originally Posted by freedomluv View Post
.... I had already explained that I just wanted to run away and go be on a beach by myself, he thought that meant I wanted to leave him but it doesn't I basically just want to get away from the kids. as sad and mean as that sounds. I just have a strong urge to be selfish. enjoy my one life. I feel so tied down, I feel as if Im falling out of love with my husband, I think I do still love him but when he wants to look deep into my eyes (which he does a lot) I want to look away, and not just hold it there. it makes me feel awkward. and we have a good sex life, but he doesn't excite me anymore, he always has to ask "are we gonna do it tonight"? why do you need to ask, just throw me up against the wall and lay it on me, don't talk about it. It is aggravating. and Im afraid to say anything bc I don't want him thinking I don't like his sex, its just dang.... I wanna have some excitement. Its gone and I want it back. Will I get over this feeling or am I the only one, I feel like everything has changed and im not even sure why. please help.
This is eerily similar to how my first marriage went (minus the kids).

My ex wife also got bored, wanted changes, some excitement, had some regrets, etc. It's not at all uncommon. I didn't, and still don't, blame her. We were together almost 3x as long as you, not that that matters.

What I DO blame her for is not properly communicating these things to me. In retrospect, on my part, they were probably fairly obvious. But all the same - a little communication might have gone a long way.

Often when this sort of thing happens with one partner, they tend to wind up resenting the other for a whole host of reasons. One of them being their inability to read your mind The longer my ex wife went feeling this way (without talking to me about it) the more she began to resent the fact that I was the same guy I was yesterday, and the day before, and so on. And eventually she viewed me as the same boring, never-changing guy I've always been. Which may have been true, but I liked myself. Without communication to get the ball rolling (and sadly lacking in the ability to read minds) she eventually grew tired of me, our life together, and generally had a hate on for me for the last little while.

In short, don't let it get to that point. YOU want the change, YOU need to be the catalyst for it, LONG before you start to resent or even hate your husband - who's technically done nothing wrong.

The eventuality of all of this, is that the one partner will almost certainly stray. Or at the very least, meet somebody who gets their blood flowing again, and use that as the catalyst to end the marriage. "I've met somebody else" is often how these scenarios go.

I have little doubt my ex wife espoused to any and all how boring I was, and that she needed to get out, needed some excitement, the marriage was going nowhere, etc etc etc. I also have little doubt that her new life has, or will, reach that point again. It's almost inevitable. Sometimes the grass is greener, sometimes it isn't. It almost always is at the start, however, so it's difficult to resist the temptation to blow it all up.

For the time being, the trick is to consciously not resent your husband for every little thing he does right now. That's more difficult than you think, but it can be done.

A great start would be to communicate to him, gently and without hurting his feelings, to stop asking for sex, and instead to just take you - which is what you want. I've been on both sides of this exact thing. I fell down that hole with my ex wife - I never 'took her', it just became a 'wanna have sex' kind of thing. Big mistake on my part, I see that now. Conversely, my current wife was doing this to me - until I spoke to her about it. As you well know, being asked to have sex does not imply an urgent need for it, for YOU. It turns it into a chore.

That would be where I would start with him. But be careful not to open the flood gates and make a dozen demands on him in a short period. Change takes time, so allow him the time to gradually ease into a new way of approaching things.

I believe you can do this, and be the catalyst for the changes you want in your marriage - but only if you truly want it (I think you do, otherwise you wouldn't be here) and only if you're willing to have some patience. My ex wife didn't. She decided life was boring, and it was my fault, her job's fault, everybody's fault but her own. The easiest way out is to scrap everything and start again. But taking the easy way out is for weak people, and causes a lot of pain to those that don't deserve it. My ex wife left a trail of destruction behind her, and not just to me. Your husband sounds like a good man, and is a parent to one of your kids. He deserves your patience and the chance to be the man he almost certainly wants to be in your eyes.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."

Last edited by alexm; 01-20-2017 at 07:32 AM.
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post #20 of 21 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 10:27 AM
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Re: conflicted wife who needs advice.

Been there, unfortunately.

Having a small child - especially a high needs child - is just draining. It's normal to feel the way that you do. Dreaming of an escape. No one can easily deal with a small human who is crying and screaming all the time and who can never be left alone.

It will pass. I know you don't see it now. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel when I was in it, either.

As long as your child does not actually have any emotional or physical disorders that are causing her behavior (and if you suspect she does, please seek out support for her via your pediatrician)...part of this is something you are just going to have to ease up on a bit.

You're burning yourself out and some of it is your own doing. So she's super attached to you and screams for everyone else. I remember going through that. My kids used to throw a fit that would make it seem like they were literally dying. You are going to have to grow a thicker skin to it and let your husband just deal with it. He's going to have to handle it on his own. Especially when you are at work. It's not like you can talk to a 2 year old on the phone to get them to calm down. You should tell him that when he's got the baby, it's all him. He needs to stop calling you for every little thing. It's gonna be hard. I remember when my kids were small and so clingy to head was in a different world. Anyone telling me to let my kid cry, I felt a very strong urge to say fvck you to. Now that there's some distance from that time in my life I see it differently. I wish I had been a little tougher in those days.

Similarly, he should cover for you once in awhile so you can get some time to yourself. Even if it's something small like going on a coffee break for 30 minutes or doing the grocery shopping alone without dragging the kids there with you. You deserve to have those breaks. Sounds like he's getting some by being able to travel. You don't need to beg him or cajole him. Hand him the kids and tell him you will be home at X time, then go. There's really no excuse why a dad cannot take care of his kids on his own for a few hours.

As to the house cleaning... Your husband should be helping, but if you are truly OCD about it, that's on you not him. As long as he keeps things reasonably clean, you probably need to ease up on your standards a bit for the time being. He's also not used to being the stay at home parent so I'd give him a few weeks to get the hang of it instead of expecting perfection on day one. He doesn't have to do things exactly the way that you do.

The more that your kids are exposed to different ways of doing things (parenting and cleaning included), the more flexible they will become. My H does not parent the same way that I do, and we each come into it with our own set of strengths and weaknesses. I still think it benefits our kids to be exposed to equal amounts of time with each one of us in charge.

The vacation thing: I know OH isn't romantic or beautiful, but if his family is there and would be able to provide you with a few nights out alone, then I'd go. It doesn't have to be your *only* vacation of the year. It can give you something to look forward to.
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post #21 of 21 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 11:12 AM
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Re: conflicted wife who needs advice.

What you are saying is precisely why a wife being a SAHM is the worst idea ever. It puts undo strain or your marriage and on each other. My wife was a SAHM for long while and during that time the thought that there was only me to rely on for every financial need was at times overwhelming. It gave me high blood pressure and a whole host of physical problems. You don't know LUCKY you are you were shielded from the stresses of having to go to work everyday and to face a never ending pile of bills. Nope, to you all he has to do is go to work, occupy space for 8 hours and wash his ass.

If you both worked neither of you would have the stress of paying all the bills, your childcare could be handed off to someone else you could pay, you would have a bulit in back up plan if either of you lost your job and that vacation wouldn't have to get cancelled...which is better.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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