To describe my misery, I am recovering from an eating disorder and I am so unhappy I canít bring myself to eat at work (clearly, a step backwards). I spend 20 minutes in my car each morning giving myself a pep talk to even go into the office. I cry in my car at the end of the day. I struggle to not cry at work. I have anxiety dreams about work. When I mean miserable, I mean deep depressing misery, not just your usual unhappiness at work.
Have you explained your misery to him, in these words? This is horrible. You are probably looking at very serious health issues over time due to this kind of daily stress/misery/dread.
Have you talked to your Dr. about depression? This is where I was (crying daily) over things in my life and I got hormone replacement for menopause plus and anti-depressant and while I still haven't resolved all my issues, I am SO much less miserable it is night and day. It is horrible for your health to be this unhappy.
I broached the topic with my husband, and he was less than receptive. He is worried about the risk (so am I) and thinks the financial risk is too great. He also indicated that he would expect us to fire our twice monthly house cleaner, and that I would take on burden of doing all vacuuming, dusting and toilet scrubbing. I told him I was able to keep that in the budget and that I wanted to focus all my energy on finding a job. I also didnít want to become the person responsible for all the chores simply because I wasnít working, because my job would be to FIND a job. He said that was probably a deal breaker.
I have a couple thoughts here - He either does understand or does not care how serious this is. Considering he's a man, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and just tell you that it seems to be a male trait to simply not take their partners complaints seriously is said partner is willing to continue to accept whatever it is they are complaining about.
My other thought - I find it rich that you are so miserable and he's got who cleans the house as a "deal breaker." But I also see his point of view. How much time does your house keeper spend every 2 weeks? I'm a terrible housekeeper so maybe I just don't get it - but how long does it take to vacuum the house, dust, and clean the toilets? Maybe you are afraid of splitting your attention between house upkeep and job search, but is job searching REALLY a full time job? Also, how much does she cost and how tight is your budget. And of course even if you say that you will take on what she has been doing while you're unemployed, is he really going to start expecting more from you as in "drakeness is just sitting around the house all day, she can run all these errands..."
Hereís where my thoughts are. I feel like he is placing my economic worth (both my earnings and chores) over my mental well-being.
He is. Though he probably does not understand that he is doing that.
I want to tell him that, but I also want to tell him that I donít want to be in a marriage where my economic worth is the most important factor. I also donít want to be in a marriage where he thinks that my career choice is a joint decision. And for the record, if our positions were reversed, Iíd want him to pick that path that allows him to be happy. Our marriage needs to strengthen or I donít think we are going to make it.
Well, your career choice does affect him so I understand him feeling he has a say in it. However, I don't understand him being able to accept you being miserable and valuing money over happiness if you could get by on less overall income. I also suspect he has no idea how much happier HE would be in a marriage to a woman who is not miserable. I think you should tell him these things in the most respectful way possible.
Is this an ultimatum? I donít want it to be ďYou wonít let me take Voluntary Layoff, so now Iím going to threaten to leave you.Ē I want him to know that I am very upset about how he values my well being, and thatís Iím not okay with that. Its also not okay with him thinking he gets to decide which job I take (or donít take) based off its salary alone (thatís a different conversation we have had).
To me it sounds like more of a boundary than an ultimatum. You are saying "I am no longer willing/able to tolerate ABC." I think an "ultimatum" is more of a selfish-demand: "You do XYZ or I will leave." Really, his insisting you keep working in a job or do all the housekeeping sounds more like an ultimatum. But, bottom line? Everyone has a bottom line. Things they are or are not willing to live with. I don't think an "ultimatum" is inherently good or bad. It just is.
("I will divorce you if you have sex with someone else" is an ultimatum. It's also quite reasonable, IMO.)
Yes, we are in counseling already. I donít know if its working. Iím in my own counseling, and it is working.