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post #16 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 06:58 PM
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Re: Ladies, What is a "good lover" ?

I'll echo the others who say confidence is key. Nothing worse than a mealy mouthed lover.

Also the genuine desire that he just cannot wait one more minute to get it on.

Very dominant, very masculine, knows what he wants, and takes it as his (all consensual of course).

More specific: he's bossy, talks dirty, spanks, and pulls hair.

I think i might be the odd woman out in this regard : I don't necessarily need to emotionally connect with my lover through sex.

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post #17 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 07:26 PM
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Re: Ladies, What is a "good lover" ?

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I'll echo the others who say confidence is key. Nothing worse than a mealy mouthed lover.

Also the genuine desire that he just cannot wait one more minute to get it on.

Very dominant, very masculine, knows what he wants, and takes it as his (all consensual of course).

More specific: he's bossy, talks dirty, spanks, and pulls hair.

I think i might be the odd woman out in this regard : I don't necessarily need to emotionally connect with my lover through sex.
Neither do I however sex with a man that I am emotional connected to out of bed makes for an ever increasingly amazing sex life.

The OP asked what makes a good "lover" so I am thinking this is more about long term relationships and sex. Plenty of non committed sex in my life and while most of it has been pretty good, nothing beats the amazing sex with my committed, respectful, long term lover. Sure we can just have it off every once in a while but we are lovers in the true sense of the word.

He is just amazing in bed, for most of not all the reasons mentioned by the other Lovely ladies.

Have to ask though OP, it does not matter what anyone but your wife thinks is a good lover, is this the real question or are you wanting to work out if you are one?
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post #18 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 07:51 PM
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Re: Ladies, What is a "good lover" ?

For me, there needs to be trust built. I've never had a ONS, and never have wanted to...I've gone on dates with men who wanted to have sex that first night, and there's no way those guys would have ever known how to really get me interested in sex, because they didn't know me well enough. Personally, a good lover KNOWS me...knows what I'm about, and how my mind works. It takes more than physical touch or ''skills'' to make me hot, a guy has to really know me, and know the things that turn me on, which for me sometimes, involve mental games, teasing, edging, etc. Those types of things someone wouldn't know without having a relationship with me. So, to me, a good lover is someone who doesn't rush things, but wants to get to know the woman he's with.

An amazing lover teases (not mercilessly, but maybe sometimes lol), and doesn't rush the night. My fiance is an amazing lover, I lay there, shaking after we have sex...unable to speak, sometimes.

So good!

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post #19 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 03:35 PM
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Re: Ladies, What is a "good lover" ?

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It actually took some scenes from porn for me to discover what my wife actually likes (assertive, dominating etc) as well as various kinks/techniques. She never watched porn so I always find it amusing that many women find porn so repulsive/destructive to one's sex life yet enjoy so many elements portrayed in it.
Yes, it's acting of course (sometimes very bad acting) but like any movie, where emotion is conveyed, it doesn't mean it's automatically invalid, in its own right.
Too be fair, I think many women find porn destructive to one's sex life because 1) men get addicted to it and start to prefer masturbating to porn over making love to their wife. 2) The contrast effect - No matter how attractive the wife, there will always be porn start with better bodies. Lusting after these women tends to make the man less satisfied with his naturally aging wife with a normal body.

For myself - I've seen porn a few times, but it mostly made me feel sad. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that those "actresses" used to be someone's little girl. They still are a daughter, sister, mother... I wondered what happened to them.
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post #20 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 04:41 PM
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Re: Ladies, What is a "good lover" ?

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Too be fair, I think many women find porn destructive to one's sex life because 1) men get addicted to it and start to prefer masturbating to porn over making love to their wife.
Ok, I understand how and why women might find porn "threatening" to their relationship however, in a healthy relationship where both partners find each other sexually attractive under normal circumstances, this is absolutely not the case. I have been trying to get this point across so many times...if the man prefers porn over wife it is either due to: 1). his easily addictive behaviour (the addiction could manifest itself via other outlets just as much, i.e. alcohol, gaming, gambling etc or 2). porn often receives a blanket blame for any problem in the relationship when it is usually simply a symptom of a deeper problem within a relationship.

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2) The contrast effect - No matter how attractive the wife, there will always be porn start with better bodies. Lusting after these women tends to make the man less satisfied with his naturally aging wife with a normal body.
Ok, I can understand how this might seem obvious, but when men watch porn, the majority of the time they are not "lusting" after anyone's body, it's simply the act that is arousing and the visual stimulation only aids a quicker orgasm. The reason women find it difficult to relate to this is in my opinion because they have a much more vivid imagination and when they read erotic novels for example, it is probably likely that they actually imagine themselves in the act much more often whereas men don't tend to do that...
The man falls in love with his wife (and her body) and the real thing is so much better than any "perfect" bodies portrayed in some stupid movie. There is simply no comparison to real life sex where you get immediate feedback form the act, where you can feel, smell and taste things. it's just not the same at all.

"For myself - I've seen porn a few times, but it mostly made me feel sad. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that those "actresses" used to be someone's little girl. They still are a daughter, sister, mother... I wondered what happened to them."

Yes, but these women didn't make the choice when they were a "little girl", they made a specific choice as an adult person (and usually for materialistic reasons), just like any job decision. I feel sad for many 9-5 jobs I see people wasting their lives doing but people are free to choose what they want to do with their time. Usually.

Anyway, this is a digression and doesn't really address the question of what complaining about "bringing porn to bed" means. The majority of the descriptions of a "good lover" describe a potentially very arousing scene from a good quality porn flick, in my opinion. I think it is somewhat unfair to issue a blanket condemnation of all porn when many women actually crave that very act themselves...
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post #21 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 04:48 PM
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Re: Ladies, What is a "good lover" ?

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Originally Posted by lucy999 View Post
I'll echo the others who say confidence is key. Nothing worse than a mealy mouthed lover.

Also the genuine desire that he just cannot wait one more minute to get it on.

Very dominant, very masculine, knows what he wants, and takes it as his (all consensual of course).

More specific: he's bossy, talks dirty, spanks, and pulls hair.

I think i might be the odd woman out in this regard : I don't necessarily need to emotionally connect with my lover through sex.
I would really like to understand a little better what "emotional connection" during sex means to people. @Faithful Wife once described it really well what it meant for her, I want to understand what is the difference between sex with and without emotional connection means, from different perspectives.

Is it something real or imagined? (I mean if both people are happy & satisfied afterwards, does it mean they are "connected"?) Is it something that only applies to women? (because they are usually in the submission of their male partner). Or does it simply mean aware of "being in the moment"?
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post #22 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 06:45 PM
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Re: Ladies, What is a "good lover" ?

A good lover is one where I feel emotionally & physically connected....feeling his need as well as his feeling mine... he knows me & what my body is craving....his kisses devour me while feeling lost in each other, not wanting this euphoria to end....and he can hold out till I get mine !! .... then we collapse in each others arms and share "the afterglow"...

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Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
I would really like to understand a little better what "emotional connection" during sex means to people. @Faithful Wife once described it really well what it meant for her, I want to understand what is the difference between sex with and without emotional connection means, from different perspectives.

Is it something real or imagined? (I mean if both people are happy & satisfied afterwards, does it mean they are "connected"?) Is it something that only applies to women? (because they are usually in the submission of their male partner). Or does it simply mean aware of "being in the moment"?
I can't say I have ever had sex without an emotional connection... my husband calls it "Making love" - he refers to a "bonding".. .he is a very sensual man.... I've always felt deeply cared for - how does one explain this.. this will sound terribly mushy.. but we've teared up looking into each others eyes during the act...this connection was felt so strongly.. once his tears dripped down into my face.. it's something that bonds you, a moment you would never forget as long as you live...it's surely in the moment, both feeling it, sensing, feeding off the other...

There is always love or some erotic fun talk afterwards also in the afterglow.. my heart is fully open, so is his.. with the heightened "feel good" hormones released..


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post #23 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 07:23 PM
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Re: Ladies, What is a "good lover" ?

I'm a lesbian, but I would like to put in my two bit's worth...

I will echo the others concerning confidence and chemistry. It's also important that the couple have equal sex drives.

Never take your partner for granted, and work to come up with new and exciting things to do in bed.

Concerning porn...both my gf and I watch porn alone or together, often to demonstrate to the other what we find hot and would like to try. We are only together on weekends, so we are each fine with the other masturbating with or without porn during the week days. My understanding of men is that they are more visual, and porn usually isn't a big deal. I don't feel jealous about my gf watching other women or men in porn. We both know that whatever ideas we introduce to each other via porn or erotica or whatever is only going to strengthen our bond sexually. We are both very high drive people.

I agree that it's an issue if a man or woman becomes addicted to porn and neglects their partner.
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post #24 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 02:01 AM
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Re: Ladies, What is a "good lover" ?

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Ok, I understand how and why women might find porn "threatening" to their relationship however, in a healthy relationship where both partners find each other sexually attractive under normal circumstances, this is absolutely not the case. I have been trying to get this point across so many times...if the man prefers porn over wife it is either due to: 1). his easily addictive behaviour (the addiction could manifest itself via other outlets just as much, i.e. alcohol, gaming, gambling etc or 2). porn often receives a blanket blame for any problem in the relationship when it is usually simply a symptom of a deeper problem within a relationship.
Not sure I agree but I would say that to me as a woman, there would be a big difference between watching porn as a couple and being married to someone who watched porn without me.


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Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
Ok, I can understand how this might seem obvious, but when men watch porn, the majority of the time they are not "lusting" after anyone's body, it's simply the act that is arousing and the visual stimulation only aids a quicker orgasm. The reason women find it difficult to relate to this is in my opinion because they have a much more vivid imagination and when they read erotic novels for example, it is probably likely that they actually imagine themselves in the act much more often whereas men don't tend to do that...
The man falls in love with his wife (and her body) and the real thing is so much better than any "perfect" bodies portrayed in some stupid movie. There is simply no comparison to real life sex where you get immediate feedback form the act, where you can feel, smell and taste things. it's just not the same at all.
That may be your experience, and even that of many mens. But forums like this one have plenty of stories from women whose husband's have lost all interest in sex with them and who happen to have porn all over their phones. Also, I do realize I've done a really crappy job of choosing men in my lifetime, so maybe my anecdotal experience is outside the norm, but every guy I've been with seemed to be in search of the perfect body - bigger breasts, longer legs, etc. Also, I was in the military and as such hung out with and worked with mostly men where I was kind of "one of the guys" and they were always watching porn and saying nit picky things about women's bodies and their interest in women on base always had to do with how good their bodies were, how good looking they were. An extra pound of fat, a lack of muscle tone, a spot of cellulite - like I say, maybe it was just the men I was around but I've been around men most of my life and their wanting to be with the best looking woman was definitely my take away.


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"For myself - I've seen porn a few times, but it mostly made me feel sad. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that those "actresses" used to be someone's little girl. They still are a daughter, sister, mother... I wondered what happened to them."


Yes, but these women didn't make the choice when they were a "little girl", they made a specific choice as an adult person (and usually for materialistic reasons), just like any job decision. I feel sad for many 9-5 jobs I see people wasting their lives doing but people are free to choose what they want to do with their time. Usually.
I'm just explaining why bringing porn to bed would not be a turn on to me. Yes people are free to choose, but I don't believe an emotionally healthy woman would every choose to be a porn star. The idea of letting random people screw you on film for money is so degrading and demeaning to me, it overshadows any erotocism I might get from the film.

Quote:
Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
Anyway, this is a digression and doesn't really address the question of what complaining about "bringing porn to bed" means. The majority of the descriptions of a "good lover" describe a potentially very arousing scene from a good quality porn flick, in my opinion. I think it is somewhat unfair to issue a blanket condemnation of all porn when many women actually crave that very act themselves...
Well I've lost track of the original complaint about bringing porn to bed. I would just say that women craving what is acted out in a porn scene happening to them in their real life is completely different than a woman approving of porn! If you're saying her guy could learn some good tips from watching some good porn, I'll buy that. But if you're saying women shouldn't condemn porn since it depicts what they claim turns them on, I'm not seeing the logic.

BTW - I was thinking, men COULD get some really good tips on pleasing a woman by reading some steamy romance novels - they are written with what women want in mind.
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post #25 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 07:14 AM
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Re: Ladies, What is a "good lover" ?

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I have yet to meet a woman who would prefer a purely "sensitive, sensual and submissive" male partner in bed, instead of a dominating, alpha male type (dominating in the "right" kind of way).
This is something I learned in my early adult years, and I was almost flabbergasted! Funny, isn't it? I think we men are almost taught to be exactly that, but it's almost certainly not what women actually want (well, maybe some do).

That said, I think a lot of us men get some mixed signals from women, particularly at the beginning of relationships. It's almost as though they don't want us to know what they actually prefer right at the start, lest it paint them in a so-called negative light. My own wife, when we started dating, was quite complimentary of the fact that I paid attention to her, and remarked on more than one occasion that this was new for her - slowing it down and taking my time, etc.

So either the novelty wore off, or her true sexual needs rose to the top. Either or!


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post #26 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 07:23 AM
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Re: Ladies, What is a "good lover" ?

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I would really like to understand a little better what "emotional connection" during sex means to people. @Faithful Wife once described it really well what it meant for her, I want to understand what is the difference between sex with and without emotional connection means, from different perspectives.

Is it something real or imagined? (I mean if both people are happy & satisfied afterwards, does it mean they are "connected"?) Is it something that only applies to women? (because they are usually in the submission of their male partner). Or does it simply mean aware of "being in the moment"?
Maybe the difference between making love and just having sex? Making love isnt my cuppa tea. I emotionally bond with my partner through other means. Usually his sense of of humor (that is a HUGE turn on for me), or acts of service (my love language).
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post #27 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 07:57 AM
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Re: Ladies, What is a "good lover" ?

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I would really like to understand a little better what "emotional connection" during sex means to people. @Faithful Wife once described it really well what it meant for her, I want to understand what is the difference between sex with and without emotional connection means, from different perspectives.

Is it something real or imagined? (I mean if both people are happy & satisfied afterwards, does it mean they are "connected"?) Is it something that only applies to women? (because they are usually in the submission of their male partner). Or does it simply mean aware of "being in the moment"?

I've had sex with and without the emotional connection. For a long time I heard my guy friends reference this emotional connection as the reason why they weren't interested in ONS but never really felt it until more recently.

I started feeling the emotional connection with my partner when he began forcing me to look into his eyes when we had sex, preventing me from hiding away when I was about to cum and adding more sensual touches during sex eg whispering in my ear, kissing my neck, the back of my knees, inner thighs etc. Together, I shied away from these (particularly eye contact) during sex because they made me feel very vulnerable and I was not comfortable being open to exploring that in the past.

We have the nastiest sex ever, very seldom do we 'make love' but there's still the underlying emotional connection. I could be on my leash getting a spanking, or getting mounted and spat on in front of the mirror and the connection is there, so strong it brings me to tears some times. I use my body to show him how I want to be used, how eager I am to be taken by him and I trust him to not take advantage of my vulnerability in those moments. It's an unspoken agreement, a bond that's not always palpable but ever present. So the connection is a combination of familiarity, openness, vulnerability and unabashed pleasure.
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post #28 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 08:05 AM
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Re: Ladies, What is a "good lover" ?

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BTW - I was thinking, men COULD get some really good tips on pleasing a woman by reading some steamy romance novels - they are written with what women want in mind.
You don't think that this implies a double-standard? (That somehow erotic novels are more useful than porn when it comes to pleasing women). Actually I would say it's the opposite: the novels usually describe mostly how the woman feels while the guy is doing stuff to her whereas porn is showing what's actually happening, so it's more instructive and 'objective' IMO. (How do you make a woman feel what she is supposed to be feeling?? It's mostly a chemistry thing as has been established.)

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I would just say that women craving what is acted out in a porn scene happening to them in their real life is completely different than a woman approving of porn! If you're saying her guy could learn some good tips from watching some good porn, I'll buy that. But if you're saying women shouldn't condemn porn since it depicts what they claim turns them on, I'm not seeing the logic.
So you agree that what's acted out in porn is very similar to what women actually like during sex in real life? That's all I was saying. I wasn't arguing about the merits of porn as a business. The only difference is that porn is 'acting' and done for material gain, like any job, and real life is done for...I dunno, 'love' I guess. Can you not see how this can come across as hypocritical when at the same time women keep saying how disgusting and completely detached from reality porn is?


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Also, I was in the military and as such hung out with and worked with mostly men where I was kind of "one of the guys" and they were always watching porn and saying nit picky things about women's bodies and their interest in women on base always had to do with how good their bodies were, how good looking they were. An extra pound of fat, a lack of muscle tone, a spot of cellulite - like I say, maybe it was just the men I was around but I've been around men most of my life and their wanting to be with the best looking woman was definitely my take away.
Yes, our views i am sure are coloured by personal experience. I can only say that once you love someone, you love the whole package: every extra pound of fat, every muscle tone, cellulite, whatever comes with that person. Perhaps men do talk superficially about women that they don't know or don't especially care about (who they are not in a relationship with) - just like some women discuss size of penises among each other - but when you love someone, you don't usually think about minor imperfections and are attracted to the person and everything that comes with it.
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post #29 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 08:12 AM
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Re: Ladies, What is a "good lover" ?

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Maybe the difference between making love and just having sex? Making love isnt my cuppa tea. I emotionally bond with my partner through other means. Usually his sense of of humor (that is a HUGE turn on for me), or acts of service (my love language).
You mean you prefer to focus on yourself rather than anything/anyone else? I am not sure I still understand what the difference between 'making love' and 'having sex' is. Isn't it just a state of mind?
Let me try a different way: have you tried 'making love' instead of having sex? What did you do differently?
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post #30 of 153 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 08:12 AM
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Re: Ladies, What is a "good lover" ?

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Ok, I understand how and why women might find porn "threatening" to their relationship however, in a healthy relationship where both partners find each other sexually attractive under normal circumstances, this is absolutely not the case. I have been trying to get this point across so many times...if the man prefers porn over wife it is either due to: 1). his easily addictive behaviour (the addiction could manifest itself via other outlets just as much, i.e. alcohol, gaming, gambling etc or 2). porn often receives a blanket blame for any problem in the relationship when it is usually simply a symptom of a deeper problem within a relationship.



Ok, I can understand how this might seem obvious, but when men watch porn, the majority of the time they are not "lusting" after anyone's body, it's simply the act that is arousing and the visual stimulation only aids a quicker orgasm. The reason women find it difficult to relate to this is in my opinion because they have a much more vivid imagination and when they read erotic novels for example, it is probably likely that they actually imagine themselves in the act much more often whereas men don't tend to do that...
The man falls in love with his wife (and her body) and the real thing is so much better than any "perfect" bodies portrayed in some stupid movie. There is simply no comparison to real life sex where you get immediate feedback form the act, where you can feel, smell and taste things. it's just not the same at all.

"For myself - I've seen porn a few times, but it mostly made me feel sad. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that those "actresses" used to be someone's little girl. They still are a daughter, sister, mother... I wondered what happened to them."

Yes, but these women didn't make the choice when they were a "little girl", they made a specific choice as an adult person (and usually for materialistic reasons), just like any job decision. I feel sad for many 9-5 jobs I see people wasting their lives doing but people are free to choose what they want to do with their time. Usually.

Anyway, this is a digression and doesn't really address the question of what complaining about "bringing porn to bed" means. The majority of the descriptions of a "good lover" describe a potentially very arousing scene from a good quality porn flick, in my opinion. I think it is somewhat unfair to issue a blanket condemnation of all porn when many women actually crave that very act themselves...

I agree with much of what @inmyprime presents here. Honestly sex between my partner and I does not differ much from porn. I've always had a preference for super nasty sex and it's very fulfilling having a partner who's willing to go to the same extremes.

I'm very much interested in women's bodies and maybe it's my partner's effort to be respectful but I find myself commenting on the beauty of the female body more often than him. For that reason, porn is a normal aspect of our sex life. I watch it without him and he does the same in his own spare time. So I'm wanting for a super erotic experience, I know it's nothing a visit to the strip club or a good porn flick can't fix. It's almost like he gets more lusty when his brain is bombarded by images of naked women's bodies. Hmm or perhaps I'm the one who's really getting more turned on...
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