As to the first bolded....I don't really think you are ever going to "get" this topic. You clearly don't really want to see anything except your own opinion about it. You keep trying and trying to discuss it, but you really are only trying to convince others of your point of view. You are not actually seeing their point of view.
I'll make it very blunt and easy for you....this is from my own real experience....if I'm honest and tell any man I'm with that if I really want to watch porn, its going to be BIG BLACK C*CK porn, and plenty of it, and they are free to watch with me if they want but if they utter even the tiniest bit of protest or seem to feel insecure about what I'm watching, then I'm going to berate them and ask them how dare they judge me and tell them they obviously have nothing to worry about as this is just something I enjoy for a quick orgasm release....oh of course I'm not lusting after those men's bodies and of course I'm not imagining f*cking those huge c*cks (this part would be lies)....I promise you, because I've had these conversations before.....NO men don't just say "oh yeah no problem, porn is no big deal" when they are faced with a woman who acts this way about it. Instead, they are constantly insecure, they are always wondering what you are watching, and they are always afraid that you are wishing you had that huge c*ck instead of his...and sometimes you ARE.
You guys who really think you should be able to watch porn guilt free can only think that because you have not been put into the position I just described. You run around and mock erotic novels and "pretend" that you have just as much to be jealous of if we read those (which I've never read one in my entire life)....but again, this is only because your woman hasn't done what I just described to you.
When she does....if she ever does....THEN you may understand what other women are saying about their feelings about porn. Until you are describing apples to apples (where you are dealing with a woman who is repeatedly watching porn of the ONE THING that you will NEVER be, and hiding it from you, masturbating to it, and denying a lot of it, and clearly she's enjoying it a lot more than you ever though a woman could possibly enjoy porn) then you really don't have an argument.
As to the bolded in the second paragraph.....please don't try to speak for others. You may feel this way, but that doesn't mean all men or even a majority of them do. Since you feel that way, you can't fathom why some of the women here are super hurt by their husband's porn use. But you are not those husbands. You can't say what they think what they feel, that they love their wives bodies, etc. It would be great if all men felt like you, but they do not.
I think most men think they can speak for the average man (probably true for women too)....but they are rarely correct. As an example, a man can say "we're, men, we like this and that"....and yet you dig a little deeper and find out this man who is speaking isn't a boob man. So then suddenly you're going "how can you speak for the average man when you don't even like boobs that much?" and he will look at you like a deer in headlights because he doesn't make the connection.
Edited to add: By the way, when I'm in a relationship, I specifically DON'T watch BBC porn, because I DON'T want to be making comparisons in my head between what is on the screen and what I'm actually experiencing with my partner. I don't want to make him feel that comparison, ever. Because, yes I really would compare....I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO HELP IT if I indulged in porn whenever I wanted.
Gosh, my post must have hit a spot of sorts...
The porn topic is not really something 'I am trying to get
' - I actually feel that I 'get it' very well; I see where the double standards lie and I have a pretty clear and strong view on it which I will express, hopefully without inviting the kind of hostility expressed in the tone of your post. I also appreciate that it is a painful topic for some. I don't however believe that people who have a healthy attitude towards porn are in the minority, as your posts suggest. In fact it is much more likely that someone who decided to blame porn for all the evils in their relationship and decided to post about it on TAM, will be the exceptional cases rather than majority. Would you not agree?
If my wife decided that BBC porn turned her on, I would not be disturbed by it in the slightest. In fact I would probably find a way to build it into our foreplay (other than painting my own c*ck black...although who knows, this might do the trick. Why is there an embedded assumption that only black c*cks are large?).
I am comfortable enough about my size and more importantly, I know that she is more than comfortable with it. Actually I remember the only type of porn my wife would bear watching were lesbian shower scenes (she liked the clean, soapy look of it and the good looking female bodies). I remember being turned on by the fact that it turned her on. I never felt threatened or hurt by it.
Having said that, if I knew that her feelings were hurt by me watching porn, I would immediately cut it out (I never watch anything anyway whenever we have a regular sex life). But it's more likely that after a conversation about it and establishing why
she was hurt, we would not have this issue anymore. The disagreements, as I see it, arise from the fact that porn is - for the majority of healthy couples - a lousy substitute for the real thing whereas people who seem to get offended believe that it is an improvement
over the real thing for some reason. In some cases it might be (and we have seen many cases on TAM when this is the case and after digging further it always turns out that there are more deep-seeded issues than porn) but in the majority of cases (outside of TAM, in real life), it isn't. Many studies support this and it's not something I am plucking out of thin air. Perhaps if women didn't threaten to leave their husbands any time porn came up, many men wouldn't have to go out of their way to hide it...
Anyway, I am not that interested in the porn topic. Somebody mentioned 'bringing porn (techniques) to bed' as a turn off, even though in view of the responses of the thread, this seemed ironic. Unfortunately I responded.
The topic of emotional connection
in relation with the thread title is more interesting to me because from what I can tell, it seems to mean different things to different people (all valid and interesting view points) and I am very curious about the diversity of opinions and haven't made up my mind at all. So far, my interpretation of it is that it is akin to 'having a great time with your partner' in bed. But it's the subtleties I am after because I want to make sure my wife gets the best
out the little time that we have with each other.