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post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 07:41 AM Thread Starter
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Smoking dilemna

Hi everyone I need your help. A few weeks ago my husband and I had gone on a date during which he had bought a pack of smoke and I was okay with it because he had told me he would only do it when we were out or once in a while. Ever since he's had them he's been smoking regularly despite me asking him not to do it all the time. I don't mind the smoking as much as I mind him not keeping his word. We've had a few arguments about it because he can't seem to understand why it's such a big deal if he smokes one or 2 a day and I don't know how I can make him understand how much it's been hurting me to know that he's been smoking all the time even though I've made it really clear that it bothers me that he does it all the time. I do wish he wouldn't continue and I've asked him if he plans on continuing in the future and he told me he doesn't know. What should I do or say so he can see how much this is bothering me?

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post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 07:51 AM
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Re: Smoking dilemna

Stop kissing him and having sex with him. Tell him the smoking is a turn off.
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post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 07:53 AM
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Re: Smoking dilemna

Put away the issue of him keeping his word for now.

What specifically bothers you about his smoking? Don't just reply you hate it. And have you told him this.

Do you know why he returned to smoking? Is it his stress coping mechanism?

I am not a lady but my wife has been smoking all 25 years we have been married.
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post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 07:59 AM
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Re: Smoking dilemna

As a current smoker I can tell you that the only way for your H to quit smoking is if he does it for himself. Quitting to try to please someone else just does not last. Nagging him will not not help and could actually make it worse -- I know that when someone does that to me it puts me in the mindset that I am an adult and can smoke if I want to and will smoke more to prove that I won't be controlled by anyone, ever


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post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Smoking dilemna

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
Stop kissing him and having sex with him. Tell him the smoking is a turn off.
I have so now he does it when I'm not home or he'll try to be sly about it and "step out" for a bit. It really bothers me when he does that.

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post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:01 AM
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Re: Smoking dilemna

I can understand how you feel. My dad and first husband smoked and there is no way I would ever live with a smoker now. Even being near someone who smokes makes me cough. You may need to be firm about it and make it clear that you dont what him smoking anywhere near you, or in the car or house. This wont stop him smelling of smoke, but it will better than nothing.
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post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:02 AM
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Re: Smoking dilemna

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It really bothers me when he does that.

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Why?
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post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Smoking dilemna

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Originally Posted by KaraBoo0723 View Post
As a current smoker I can tell you that the only way for your H to quit smoking is if he does it for himself. Quitting to try to please someone else just does not last. Nagging him will not not help and could actually make it worse -- I know that when someone does that to me it puts me in the mindset that I am an adult and can smoke if I want to and will smoke more to prove that I won't be controlled by anyone, ever


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In the beginning I would make it explicitly known how upset I was but now I don't say anything anymore because I know he'll do it regardless. I've made it really clear that he can't smoke in the house so he doesn't. He only smokes when he's by himself or in his car. He keeps telling me that this is just a phase.

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post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:16 AM
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Re: Smoking dilemna

Was smoking something that he has been doing since the 1st time you met him? If so I can see why he would be hesitant to change (i.e. you accepted him for it back then, so why now does he have to change).

Smoking is a no no for me, I wouldn't even consider getting involved with someone who did, so if suddenly at some point during our relationship they picked up the habit, that would be a dealbreaker (but this may be a different scenario then yours if it was something he has been doing from the start).
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post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:18 AM
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Re: Smoking dilemna

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Originally Posted by areenhaque26 View Post
In the beginning I would make it explicitly known how upset I was but now I don't say anything anymore because I know he'll do it regardless. I've made it really clear that he can't smoke in the house so he doesn't. He only smokes when he's by himself or in his car. He keeps telling me that this is just a phase.

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Smoking is an addiction, not just a phase. I could understand it bothering you if you have a hard time with the smell but you haven't indicated that. So why does it bother you? If you don't have a reasonable answer then you're just being controlling.

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post #11 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Smoking dilemna

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Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
Put away the issue of him keeping his word for now.

What specifically bothers you about his smoking? Don't just reply you hate it. And have you told him this.

Do you know why he returned to smoking? Is it his stress coping mechanism?

I am not a lady but my wife has been smoking all 25 years we have been married.
What's bothering me about him smoking is that my ex used to smoke all the time and let's just say we didn't have a great relationship so my husband smoking is a constant reminder of my ex which I don't need. I've told him this but he took it very lightly. At first it was just for fun, then it was because it helped him sleep even though I pointed out to him that it only helps him temporarily because he's up again in the middle of the night. Maybe it's because is stress. He's been having a hard time finding a job and I'm trying to be empathetic but I can't help but think that this is going to be an ongoing thing. Smoking has never bothered me. I've been around friends and family members who smoke. If he did it once or twice in a week or so I wouldn't be bothered by it.

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post #12 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Smoking dilemna

He smokes the menthol kind so the smell hasn't been an issue. Like you said smoking is an addiction and I don't want him to get addicted. He's constantly coughing and I don't want him to have health issues down the road.

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post #13 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Smoking dilemna

Like I said if he did it once in a while I wouldn't be as concerned but the fact that he's been smoking all the time is a bit alarming because I don't want him to make a habit of it. I don't know if I sound contradicting.

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post #14 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Smoking dilemna

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
Was smoking something that he has been doing since the 1st time you met him? If so I can see why he would be hesitant to change (i.e. you accepted him for it back then, so why now does he have to change).

Smoking is a no no for me, I wouldn't even consider getting involved with someone who did, so if suddenly at some point during our relationship they picked up the habit, that would be a dealbreaker (but this may be a different scenario then yours if it was something he has been doing from the start).
Actually I didn't know about it until we got married. I never bothered to ask him because I just assumed he didn't since when he came to see me and we spent the weekend together he didn't smoke at all our give me any indication that he did. He didn't even smoke after we got married. It's something he's gotten back into recently.

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post #15 of 24 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Smoking dilemna

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Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
Smoking is an addiction, not just a phase. I could understand it bothering you if you have a hard time with the smell but you haven't indicated that. So why does it bother you? If you don't have a reasonable answer then you're just being controlling.

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He smokes the menthol kind so the smell hasn't been an issue. Like you said smoking is an addiction and I don't want him to get addicted. He's constantly coughing and I don't want him to have health issues down the road.

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