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post #46 of 64 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 01:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Female Orgasms

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That's alright I didn't get to make sure my description matches more closely that which works for us.
LOL

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post #47 of 64 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 01:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Female Orgasms

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Thinking about it...All the technical tips might be useful but only up to a point. First of all, every woman is different and responds differently to different stimuli. Secondly, the biggest sex organ is the brain. Especially on a woman. (On a man too but it's usually the other way around: his brain is in his penis).

The issue is most probably psychological (since you worked out that you can come from masturbation). The key is for you to train yourself to 'let go' and for your husband, to work out what makes that organ (brain) tick. Trying different techniques is a given. Eventually with practice, you can 'train' your brain to 'go to that place' quicker, in order to orgasm, the more you do it.

I am inclined to agree with you. Not too sure what my issue is but I do find it difficult to 'live in the moment' and not comfortable at feeling somewhat vulnerable and out of control. Maybe it is a personality trait. I do know that I have a problem with Fear and that is related to the above.


It also helps to understand first whether it's easier to achieve O from g spot/PIV or clit stimulation and work from there accordingly. Some women don't like both areas stimulated simultaneously. Others won't come unless each hole is filled up to the full.
Your husband needs to take time and try to take you to that place psychologically and your job is to let him (and not get annoyed or at least not show that you are annoyed..).
Anticipation is also a powerful aphrodisiac. Let him tell you what he wants to do to you in all the detail beforehand. Start the foreplay in the morning and build it up throughout the day.
Technique is important but it doesn't work on its own.
Often easier said than done. Good idea! we haven't done this for a while and it does help.

Thanks inmyprime for your helpful advice.
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post #48 of 64 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 10:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Female Orgasms

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Ultimately when it comes to having an orgasm, technique is largely the point. Although I concur that all women are variously different just as all men are. It is also worth remembering, that we're all very similar as well. In that for the most part all of us have sexual organs (and I'm not referring to the brain), that can when rubbed in a certain way for a sufficient amount of time see us having an orgasm.



Actually considering the fact that @Lifeiscomplicated can orgasm through masturbation. It is highly likely that she is perfectly able to to have a partner bring her to orgasm while having sex. So it probably isn't a psychological issue at all.

On the other hand over stimulation with a vibrator, combined with the libido killing effect of some antidepressants may play a big role in this.



I concur with this in that it helps not to be anxious about such things, and to likewise relax in the moment. That said knowing how someone supposedly ticks, is no substitute for the application of sufficient and effective stimulation of the clitoris when wanting to actually have an orgasm.



Again sure it does help to be in the right frame of mind, yet that big splendid sex organ called the clitoris, is where the real action is.



Penis/phallus in the vagina sex can stimulate the legs of the clitoris, just as fiddling with the bit at the end can as well. Rub the penis in the right way and you're likely to get an orgasm, rub the clitoris in the right way and you're also likely to get an orgasm. Don't rub either of them the right way and chances are you're not likely to get an orgasm.



Hmmm... Really? ... I think it is extraordinarily unlikely that any women can't achieve an orgasm, unless they have their vagina and anus coincidentally filled with phalli at the same time.



He can take her to the sky of diamonds with Lucy if he likes, yet that is still unlikely to get her there in the absence of effective physical stimulation.

That said your suggestion that her job is to not show annoyance, or more broadly through inference, to not express disappointment or share the negatives. Is a very corrosive approach in any sexual relationships where problems exist.

Great sex for all participants, isn't built upon having one or more participants, hiding their feelings and or pretending that they're enjoying something when they're not.

For example my wife's first sexual partner was a sexually experienced, divorced older man who had no trouble attracting women, yet no matter how much he tried, he could never get her to have an orgasm.

At first she told him that she wasn't getting, there so in response he would try different things and again she would tell him it wasn't happening.

So following that he went to a popular go to for some men who can't get a women to orgasm. By telling her "you're the only woman who I've been with that can't orgasm, maybe it's you, maybe it's in your head" or words to that effect. That being the case it was time to introduce self doubt and inviting that chap called Resentment to the party.

Out of hoping for the best and trying to get him to understand that he wasn't stimulating her right, she told him again it still isn't happening. Which led to him to try a new tack, which saw him claiming she was actually having orgasms, because she got so wet, or thick white stuff came out, or that cloudy stuff with white flecks was there. Yet despite his assertions, there were still no orgasms! So being inexperienced and not knowing any better and not wanting to harm his fragile ego, she then decided, to do her job, suck it up and fake her orgasms.

So to him the sex got better because she was having (fake) "orgasms", cause you know she was like wet and she wanted it and all that, Yet really she was disappointed, somewhat frustrated and though she enjoyed sex as such, she wasn't getting any orgasms out of it, so he got dumped soon afterwards.

Unsurprisingly though as it turns out, my wife like probably almost all women, was/is perfectly capable of easily having frequent orgasms through digital, oral and penis/phallus in vagina stimulation. All that is required is a sufficient amount of effective physical stimulation, absent that stimulation she's not going to have an orgasm no matter how much her brain REALLY, REALLY wants to have an ORGASM!!!

The thing is if that guy didn't dismiss her and you know tell her she was wrong in what she was experiencing. Or likewise understood that a woman suddenly getting wetter during sex, and or squirting, doing Kegels, making noises, tilting to and fro around the penis, doing handstands and backflips etc. Or having that thick white stuff or cloudy stuff with white flecks come out, doesn't mean a woman has orgasmed, he might have been a better sexual partner.



Sure some titillation and flirting can be a great way to get the motor running. Yet again absent the application of effective stimulation of the clitoris (from within or without the vagina), orgasm is unlikely to ensue.



Wiith "technique" in this instance being the effective application of sufficient physical stimulation, in order to generate an orgasm. It is fair to say that the application of techniques that are effective, are essential to achieving an orgasm. And that although other things can contribute to achieving that orgasm, effective techniques can actually work on their own. That's why it is not unheard of for both men and women, to have orgasms even on the occasions when they think the sex sux, is mediocre or if they are being raped.

One can have all the arousal or desire in the world, through their "biggest sex organ". Yet absent the right physical stimulation of their actual sexual organs, most people aren't going to get there.
An interesting read Personal. Always great to learn another persons perspective on this topic. I have often thought that even though I met my husband at 28 and was in two LTR and serveral other relationships not so LT but months or even less before that and these men would have been around my age or slightly order and therefore wouldn't have had a huge amount of experience in regards to many years being with the one woman and growing with that person sexually as you do in a marriage and therefore these men were probably not that accomplished in the bedroom and more than likely into their own enjoyment rather than it being a joint experience and getting really intimate with their partners body IUKWIM. Just saying!

My husband has tried and still does try with my persistence but IDK it is just not working nor is it satisfying, however, I doubt that he has really bothered to research different techniques if he has it would only be a handful of times of the years. It would be nice if he would just concentrate on me purely and not expect anything in return and that is why is I feel that sex is for him only. I guess because it doesn't affect him personally and I still mostly enjoy sex and it is mutually initiated and being HD certainly helps, however, I'm sure it would have been a 100 times better especially when I was LD after the kids were born if I was able to O easily. It would have prevented us having lots of arguments, fights and resentments on my behalf anyway. I have often asked him how he would feel if I O'd every time and he couldn't how he would feel and he doesn't answer me. Maybe he is just use to it being this way after 23 years but as far as I'm concerned there is no intimate connection (no kissing due to him smoking) and hasn't been for years due to these reasons otherwise we are compatible and get along well most times. It feels that it is another thing that is unobtainable in my life.

Sorry for the rambling.

Last edited by Lifeiscomplicated; 02-02-2017 at 10:42 PM.
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post #49 of 64 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 11:41 PM
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Re: Female Orgasms

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An interesting read Personal. Always great to learn another persons perspective on this topic. I have often thought that even though I met my husband at 28 and was in two LTR and serveral other relationships not so LT but months or even less before that and these men would have been around my age or slightly order and therefore wouldn't have had a huge amount of experience in regards to many years being with the one woman and growing with that person sexually as you do in a marriage and therefore these men were probably not that accomplished in the bedroom and more than likely into their own enjoyment rather than it being a joint experience and getting really intimate with their partners body IUKWIM. Just saying!
Yep I know what you mean, I just got lucky when I was 17 in that my first sexual partner and I, through trial and error tried so much, including many things that I/we didn't know were things that people did. So getting off mutually and knowing the difference between not getting there versus getting there, was the norm rather than the exception. As a consequence I have taken that experience into all of my subsequent relationships and developed it more. I know I'm not the only one and I'm sure that most people can still mutually learn each other, no matter their age and or regardless of how long they've known each other.

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My husband has tried and still does try with my persistence but IDK it is just not working nor is it satisfying, however, I doubt that he has really bothered to research different techniques if he has it would only be a handful of times of the years. It would be nice if he would just concentrate on me purely and not expect anything in return and that is why is I feel that sex is for him only. I guess because it doesn't affect him personally and I still mostly enjoy sex and it is mutually initiated and being HD certainly helps, however, I'm sure it would have been a 100 times better especially when I was LD after the kids were born if I was able to O easily. It would have prevented us having lots of arguments, fights and resentments on my behalf anyway. I have often asked him how he would feel if I O'd every time and he couldn't how he would feel and he doesn't answer me. Maybe he is just use to it being this way after 23 years but as far as I'm concerned there is no intimate connection (no kissing due to him smoking) and hasn't been for years due to these reasons otherwise we are compatible and get along well most times. It feels that it is another thing that is unobtainable in my life.

Sorry for the rambling.
I've no doubt he has tried, no one's the good or bad guy here, most of us (perhaps all) tend to do what we think best we can or do what we think is okay.

If you can both let the past go, I mean none of us are perfect and you want to keep going. It can't hurt to try connecting again in a different way.

Although it's not the same thing at one point early in my current marriage, I was sometimes away a lot for weeks through even some months at a time because of my Army service. To the point that at one point I came home at the end of a few months away, to a feeling of disconnection with my wife. So we started touching each other again, simple things like holding hands, while looking at each other. Or touching each others face and the like, then kissing first a little bit and then over time doing a lot of kissing. It wasn't about sex as such, though it mattered to it as well, it was more about being comfortable with one another and being close.

Now I'm rambling...

Anyway, sure smoking does suck when it comes to kissing (I'm a non smoker), yet if your husband can help make it less unpleasant. I'm sure you could both benefit from kissing each other, on the lips and with your mouths while sometimes touching each other. Whether you're having sex or not. Who knows maybe kissing might encourage him to let smoking go.

You're the one posting about it and trying to find a way, so I figure you're the one who'll have to drive this if you want it to get better.
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post #50 of 64 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 12:03 AM
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Re: Female Orgasms

z believe that happened with my wife (during our rare active periods). She tends to be goal oriented in sex, and a hitachi works very quickly for her - but she gradually lose the ability to O any other way.

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I've heard that using a vibe on an intense setting over a long period of time can reduce sensation and even cause deadening of the nerves. I've also heard that this is temporary, if it happens at all, and sensation should return. Do some research and decide what you believe. I, for one, think that using a vibe regularly is fine provided the speed and technique vary between sessions so that the numbness many women report doesn't occur and also so that the body and mind aren't conditioned to only orgasm from that specific vibe used that specific way.
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post #51 of 64 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 02:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Female Orgasms

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Yep I know what you mean, I just got lucky when I was 17 in that my first sexual partner and I, through trial and error tried so much, including many things that I/we didn't know were things that people did. So getting off mutually and knowing the difference between not getting there versus getting there, was the norm rather than the exception. As a consequence I have taken that experience into all of my subsequent relationships and developed it more. I know I'm not the only one and I'm sure that most people can still mutually learn each other, no matter their age and or regardless of how long they've known each other.

When I too had my first sexual experience at 17 with my virgin boyfriend 20 I bought a book called 'The Joy of Sex' which was very helpful when experimenting with sex over the 4 years we were together. Unfortunately, the next boyfriend that I lived with for several years didn't think he needed to look at it once.

I've no doubt he has tried, no one's the good or bad guy here, most of us (perhaps all) tend to do what we think best we can or do what we think is okay.

If you can both let the past go, I mean none of us are perfect and you want to keep going. It can't hurt to try connecting again in a different way.

Although it's not the same thing at one point early in my current marriage, I was sometimes away a lot for weeks through even some months at a time because of my Army service. To the point that at one point I came home at the end of a few months away, to a feeling of disconnection with my wife. So we started touching each other again, simple things like holding hands, while looking at each other. Or touching each others face and the like, then kissing first a little bit and then over time doing a lot of kissing. It wasn't about sex as such, though it mattered to it as well, it was more about being comfortable with one another and being close.

Now I'm rambling...

Anyway, sure smoking does suck when it comes to kissing (I'm a non smoker), yet if your husband can help make it less unpleasant. I'm sure you could both benefit from kissing each other, on the lips and with your mouths while sometimes touching each other. Whether you're having sex or not. Who knows maybe kissing might encourage him to let smoking go.

You're the one posting about it and trying to find a way, so I figure you're the one who'll have to drive this if you want it to get better.
Thanks once again for your advice and I will take it on board. With regards to the smoking I do know how hard it is to give up. I must have tried about 20 times before I finally quit 18 years ago when wanting to become pregnant so I will never force someone into giving up unless it is something they really want to do. But he is 55 yrs enough is enough especially health wise. The annoying part is that we went to QLD over the holidays and he didn't smoke for 11 days then came home and started smoking again.
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post #52 of 64 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 02:28 AM
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Cool Re: Female Orgasms

Regarding female orgasms, all that I really know is that if I truly love and have feelings for the lady, I just want to be there for the orgasms!

After all, they're absolutely the best show in town ~ more especially if I'm the one who's primarily responsible for getting those orgasms out of them!

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post #53 of 64 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 03:57 AM
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Re: Female Orgasms

Ever hear of "the 9s"?

Three deep slow, three shallow fast, three deep slow (thrusting).

Mind you, I'm highly PIV orgasmic for the most part.

The 9s with the right angle and clitoral stimulation is another technique as well as edging can be quite satisfying.

Edging techniques are tricky at times and comes later when the other techniques are figured out.

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post #54 of 64 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 07:39 AM
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Re: Female Orgasms

Just a thought - When my bladder is full/nearly full, I normally find it easier to get aroused and O. So I might choose not to p right before sex. That said, for those prone to UTIs, not emptying before sex might not be advisable I guess ?

Anyways, for me, drinking throughout the day is preferable to trying to fill my bladder close to bed/sex time.
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post #55 of 64 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 08:37 AM
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Re: Female Orgasms

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z believe that happened with my wife (during our rare active periods). She tends to be goal oriented in sex, and a hitachi works very quickly for her - but she gradually lose the ability to O any other way.
When DH was working over the road and regional he was only home for a day or two every 9-21 days. I, for the first time in my life, went and bought a quality vibe. Sure enough, DH gets home and I find it more effort to orgasm during partner sex. I did some research, read some Dan Savage (sex advice columnist who advocates men and women change up their masturbation routines in order to avoid nerve damage or conditioning themselves to only cum one way) and stopped using the vibe as often. I used my hands and dildo's sometimes and used the vibe sometimes. I also varied the speed when I did use it. Solved the problem. Once DH found a local job, the vibe spent most of it's time collecting dust in the night table drawer.

Your wife has a Hitachi? The original actual Hitachi? Those things can sell for hundreds, not kidding. Apparently, the newer models aren't nearly as awesome as the original. There are women who would commit murder for an original Hitachi.


Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #56 of 64 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 09:25 AM
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Re: Female Orgasms

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When DH was working over the road and regional he was only home for a day or two every 9-21 days. I, for the first time in my life, went and bought a quality vibe. Sure enough, DH gets home and I find it more effort to orgasm during partner sex. I did some research, read some Dan Savage (sex advice columnist who advocates men and women change up their masturbation routines in order to avoid nerve damage or conditioning themselves to only cum one way) and stopped using the vibe as often. I used my hands and dildo's sometimes and used the vibe sometimes. I also varied the speed when I did use it. Solved the problem. Once DH found a local job, the vibe spent most of it's time collecting dust in the night table drawer.

Your wife has a Hitachi? The original actual Hitachi? Those things can sell for hundreds, not kidding. Apparently, the newer models aren't nearly as awesome as the original. There are women who would commit murder for an original Hitachi.
The Hitachi magic wand (HV250R) was discontinued, but Hitachi still manufactures the newer ones (HV260). They're distributed by Vibratex, but Hitachi still makes them. I think Hitachi did it to protect their other brand products from association.

On a side note, we have the newer model. 2 of my wife's 3 lifetime orgasms has been from the Hitachi, although it still has a significant failure rate in that category. Not a sure-fire by any means.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #57 of 64 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 10:10 AM
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Re: Female Orgasms

I thought it was an original. The one that plugs in with a low - off - high mechanical switch? They still seem to be available on amazon. If they are disapperaing, we better get a spare.

What is the difference between the 250R and 260? We've owned one for a long time, recently got another and it seemed very similar in effect. I never compared side by side - is there a difference?

In any case the one we got recently seems quite effective.....




Quote:
Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
When DH was working over the road and regional he was only home for a day or two every 9-21 days. I, for the first time in my life, went and bought a quality vibe. Sure enough, DH gets home and I find it more effort to orgasm during partner sex. I did some research, read some Dan Savage (sex advice columnist who advocates men and women change up their masturbation routines in order to avoid nerve damage or conditioning themselves to only cum one way) and stopped using the vibe as often. I used my hands and dildo's sometimes and used the vibe sometimes. I also varied the speed when I did use it. Solved the problem. Once DH found a local job, the vibe spent most of it's time collecting dust in the night table drawer.

Your wife has a Hitachi? The original actual Hitachi? Those things can sell for hundreds, not kidding. Apparently, the newer models aren't nearly as awesome as the original. There are women who would commit murder for an original Hitachi.
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post #58 of 64 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 10:38 AM
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Re: Female Orgasms

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I thought it was an original. The one that plugs in with a low - off - high mechanical switch? They still seem to be available on amazon. If they are disapperaing, we better get a spare.

What is the difference between the 250R and 260? We've owned one for a long time, recently got another and it seemed very similar in effect. I never compared side by side - is there a difference?

In any case the one we got recently seems quite effective.....
The 260 comes with a quieter motor and an egg beater attachment.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #59 of 64 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 11:11 AM
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Re: Female Orgasms

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The Hitachi magic wand (HV250R) was discontinued, but Hitachi still manufactures the newer ones (HV260). They're distributed by Vibratex, but Hitachi still makes them. I think Hitachi did it to protect their other brand products from association.

On a side note, we have the newer model. 2 of my wife's 3 lifetime orgasms has been from the Hitachi, although it still has a significant failure rate in that category. Not a sure-fire by any means.
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I thought it was an original. The one that plugs in with a low - off - high mechanical switch? They still seem to be available on amazon. If they are disapperaing, we better get a spare.

What is the difference between the 250R and 260? We've owned one for a long time, recently got another and it seemed very similar in effect. I never compared side by side - is there a difference?

In any case the one we got recently seems quite effective.....
I have heard that USED original Hitachi's can go for as much as $400 online. Allegedly, the original model is better and more durable, but I've never used one and can only go by what I have heard through rl friends and online chats.

The way some women talk about the original, you'd think it was a gift from God they will be buried with.

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The 260 comes with a quieter motor and an egg beater attachment.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #60 of 64 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 02:42 PM
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Re: Female Orgasms

1. Me on top and oral sex always brings me to O. Other positions never do.
2. Depends. Usually I O quickly if I'm really into it, so I change positions so I can go longer before I O. Once I O I am tired out, and it is too sensitive it doesn't feel good to continue.
3. I have never been able to have multi orgasms. Once I have one, it's too sensitive to continue.
4. Never have to.
5. If I don't have an O during PIV, my husband will finish me off orally. So I always have an orgasm.
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