My clitoris has to be stimulated continuously either by my husband's fingers, my fingers, or a vibrator in order for me to have an orgasm. If I start cold - meaning not at all turned on - it can take about a half hour to an hour to have an orgasm. If I am turned on - I can reach an orgasm in about 10 - 20 minutes. I have not ever had an orgasm with penetration alone - and in fact often have very little feeling when we have intercourse - unless my clitoris is being stimulated too.
Now some questions for you - do you masturbate? If you do, do you have the same problem or is it easier to have an orgasm when by yourself? Are you attracted to your husband? Do you feel like you are repressed sexually or have some hangups about it? Have you thought about seeking help from a sex therapist? I think if you did - you would find out that you are quite normal. Since sex therapists are also trained to deal with other issues besides sex - they can also help you and your husband work through some of the issues causing resentment.
Many woman experience what you are experiencing. I personally think its because most women and men are not properly educated about a woman's body - and think sex for woman should work the same as men - with intercourse being the main activity to bring about an orgasm. Also many woman don't understand how big a part their brain plays in sexual satisfaction. For some woman - orgasms happen naturally and easily, but for many woman - it is a learned response and they have to teach themselves how to do it.
I lost the ability to orgasm during menopause and had to relearn my body - and get it working again. Hormonal therapy played a big part in fixing the issues, but I also had to teach my body how to respond again through masturbation - so the pressure was off of having my husband around and I could focus all on me. Then I had to teach him what I learned. I found the more I practiced and experienced orgasms - the easier my body responded and the more I wanted sex. The opposite also holds true. The less sex I have - the harder it is for my body to respond and the less I want sex.
I suggest you get this book to learn about your body and to get some good tips for you and your husband to try. https://www.amazon.com/Womens-Anatom.../dp/057803395X
My other suggestion to you is find a good doctor and have your individual hormone levels tested and balanced. I don't know if you have always had frequent UTI's but during menopause its often caused by the decrease of estrogen and the thinning of your vagina tissue and the area around your urethra opening which allows bacteria to get in easier. Getting your hormones balanced correctly may help that issue and also help with your orgasms.
Some other resources that have been helpful to me: https://www.womentowomen.com/health-library/
(this site comes from a clinic and also sells products - but I use the health library for a wealth of information
this site also was helpful https://sexualityresources.com/learn
And lastly - but very important - kegels! A must do!! Google kegels to learn to do them right - and then do them several times a day - every day!