I don't feel the same about my husband. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 09:26 PM Thread Starter
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I don't feel the same about my husband.

I've been married for 9 years and have 3 children ages 5, 4, and 2. My husband works overseas. He's usually gone for about 4 months and comes home for about 6 weeks. This is an on going schedule. He's been doing this job for about 6 years now. He's a good guy and a great dad. I lost a lot of feelings for him. Yes we've had our own problems in the past like most marriages do. I use to fight with him on some things but now I find myself staying silent. Like I don't care anymore. We've tried making time for each other while he is home, going on dates etc. It's fun but it's just not the same anymore. I've spoken to him about this before and he feels it's because of the distance between us I feel this way. He's willing to try anything counseling etc. The thing is we don't even have time for that, he's never here. I'm not sure if I even want to try anymore. I find myself pretending things are okay, after all I have three kids with him. I feel like I need to stay with him because of them. Can anyone relate? I just don't know what to do.

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:22 PM
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Re: I don't feel the same about my husband.

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I've been married for 9 years and have 3 children ages 5, 4, and 2. My husband works overseas. He's usually gone for about 4 months and comes home for about 6 weeks. This is an on going schedule. He's been doing this job for about 6 years now. He's a good guy and a great dad. I lost a lot of feelings for him. Yes we've had our own problems in the past like most marriages do. I use to fight with him on some things but now I find myself staying silent. Like I don't care anymore. We've tried making time for each other while he is home, going on dates etc. It's fun but it's just not the same anymore. I've spoken to him about this before and he feels it's because of the distance between us I feel this way. He's willing to try anything counseling etc. The thing is we don't even have time for that, he's never here. I'm not sure if I even want to try anymore. I find myself pretending things are okay, after all I have three kids with him. I feel like I need to stay with him because of them. Can anyone relate? I just don't know what to do.
Tell him he gets another job and you guys have a full time relationship, or you done. 4 months and then 6 weeks is not a marriage.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:33 PM
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Re: I don't feel the same about my husband.

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Originally Posted by wife1981 View Post
I've been married for 9 years and have 3 children ages 5, 4, and 2. My husband works overseas. He's usually gone for about 4 months and comes home for about 6 weeks. This is an on going schedule. He's been doing this job for about 6 years now. He's a good guy and a great dad. I lost a lot of feelings for him. Yes we've had our own problems in the past like most marriages do. I use to fight with him on some things but now I find myself staying silent. Like I don't care anymore. We've tried making time for each other while he is home, going on dates etc. It's fun but it's just not the same anymore. I've spoken to him about this before and he feels it's because of the distance between us I feel this way. He's willing to try anything counseling etc. The thing is we don't even have time for that, he's never here. I'm not sure if I even want to try anymore. I find myself pretending things are okay, after all I have three kids with him. I feel like I need to stay with him because of them. Can anyone relate? I just don't know what to do.
Don't stay for the kids. Trust me, I did it and it was miserable. It was different circumstances for us, but I hung around way too long for the kids. We've been separated since early fall and I finally filed for legal separation earlier this month. The kids and I are way happier!
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 04:59 AM
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Re: I don't feel the same about my husband.

I dealt with something similar when I was first married to my now Ex. He used to travel for work about 75% of the year as a consultant. I traveled with him when I could as the assignements were long and often in other countries, but I could not always go. I really struggled with the balance of wanting a normal life and how to deal with him gone all the time....You establish a routine set your life up for this person to be gone and all is going fine and then they show up and disrupt everything and then leave again...Lather, rinse, repeat. I began to dread the short spurts that he would be home, and resented him for being gone and the limitations it put on me/us. Our solution was for him to find a job with very limited travel and we stayed married for another 20 years. Had he stayed with his consultant job our marriage would have ended after 2 or 3 years.

In your situation I don't know what I would do, you not feeling the same about him is obviously not a good sign. I went into therapy alone when I was going through it and my shrink told me most marriages don't survive these sort of situations (not a stunning bit of info there). Do you even want him to get a non travel job at this point?
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 05:17 AM
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Cool Re: I don't feel the same about my husband.

Being part of a successful marriage is a full-time job!

It's rather obvious that your H is often shirking his responsibility in that department!

Either you all live overseas, or nobody lives overseas! Nothing will kill a marriage quicker than undue separation!

At least in the fine art of being successful at rearing children, you simply cannot "have your cake and eat it too!"

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-01-2017, 07:41 AM
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Re: I don't feel the same about my husband.

Show him this post.

Nothing will change unless you tell him the honest truth.

Unless you have already decided to leave him and you are here asking for our reassurance or permission. Only you are qualified to give yourself either.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-04-2017, 10:02 PM
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Re: I don't feel the same about my husband.

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Originally Posted by wife1981 View Post
I've been married for 9 years and have 3 children ages 5, 4, and 2. My husband works overseas. He's usually gone for about 4 months and comes home for about 6 weeks. This is an on going schedule. He's been doing this job for about 6 years now. He's a good guy and a great dad. I lost a lot of feelings for him. Yes we've had our own problems in the past like most marriages do. I use to fight with him on some things but now I find myself staying silent. Like I don't care anymore. We've tried making time for each other while he is home, going on dates etc. It's fun but it's just not the same anymore. I've spoken to him about this before and he feels it's because of the distance between us I feel this way. He's willing to try anything counseling etc. The thing is we don't even have time for that, he's never here. I'm not sure if I even want to try anymore. I find myself pretending things are okay, after all I have three kids with him. I feel like I need to stay with him because of them. Can anyone relate? I just don't know what to do.
In my humble opinion, there is not way you and your husband can even pretend to make your marriage work if he continues to work over seas. How can you possibly expect to have a marriage grow in love when he is not even around?
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 08:09 PM
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Originally Posted by wife1981 View Post
I've been married for 9 years and have 3 children ages 5, 4, and 2. My husband works overseas. He's usually gone for about 4 months and comes home for about 6 weeks. This is an on going schedule. He's been doing this job for about 6 years now. He's a good guy and a great dad. I lost a lot of feelings for him. Yes we've had our own problems in the past like most marriages do. I use to fight with him on some things but now I find myself staying silent. Like I don't care anymore. We've tried making time for each other while he is home, going on dates etc. It's fun but it's just not the same anymore. I've spoken to him about this before and he feels it's because of the distance between us I feel this way. He's willing to try anything counseling etc. The thing is we don't even have time for that, he's never here. I'm not sure if I even want to try anymore. I find myself pretending things are okay, after all I have three kids with him. I feel like I need to stay with him because of them. Can anyone relate? I just don't know what to do.
Have you ever considered that he could view his time away as a sacrifice for his family and doesn't really like it? Maybe he feels pressure to provide a certain lifestyle for you and the kids and he feels that his job is the only way and that no one will be happy or secure if he gives that up. You said you have had your problems, but the main problem is that he is away for long periods of time to provide for YOU. And you are unhappy that his job takes him away. In the mind of a man this is destructive, it puts his natural inclination to provide for you at odds with his desire to be present and undermines his effort, which will make him feel like a failure and further destroy the relationship. You said you have no time but that is completely untrue, he is home for 6 weeks at a time. Figure out how to make time, he said he is willing to try anything so what is the problem? My wife and I are in a similar situation, I work long hours and need time to myself to unwind. She doesn't feel the same about me either and it hurts me deeply, I feel my effort and sacrifice in time is not appreciated. You have to decide to be grateful for him, for his effort, for his sacrifice, or you will continue down this path and destroy the relationship. I won't say I'm absolutely right about this, after all we are on a web page, but from my own experience that is how the situation has gone for me
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 08:58 PM
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Re: I don't feel the same about my husband.

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In my humble opinion, there is not way you and your husband can even pretend to make your marriage work if he continues to work over seas. How can you possibly expect to have a marriage grow in love when he is not even around?
I mostly agree with this (that marriages usually don't work if one person is seldom around), but the implication is that any military marriage shouldn't occur because a spouse can be deployed for lengthy periods. Yet, somehow many of them do work. And many do not - many people just can't maintain continuity with long separations, and that's okay. Once you realize that is a problem, you fix it, either by the absent spouse finding a way to be present, or by ending the marriage.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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