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post #16 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 06:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Will she ever change back again

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Put a mental time limit on it. Say she weans by 2, then another 6 months to adjust. Be as supportive as you can until then, tell her how much you miss her, but prepare for a big argument if it does not resolve itself.

Do not permanently put your needs on the back burner because if she is the type who does not get it back it unprompted she's likely the type to get totally KO'd by menopause so your opportunity to fix it is now not 15 years from now...
good call. i was thinking about this and how long this can go on. There is about 9 months to go until 2 years old and that might be my limit after weaning, if it doesn't come back and she's not willing to make an effort, then i've got no choice.

I'm trying to be supportive and helpful in any way I can. We've had a few arguments about it before and she always says she's tired but seems to have plenty of energy for the child. it's only when everything is done and usually she doesn't have much left.

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post #17 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 07:24 PM
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Re: Will she ever change back again

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post #18 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 08:03 PM
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Re: Will she ever change back again

I'm going to tell you that from past experience, the passion returns. You both are so damn tired. She's nursing which means a lot of her energy is going into production and lactation. Give her a break. Really. Soon as she can express enough to do an overnight, let the baby stay with a grandparent, and get away to a hotel. Take her away from reality, just for a night. You want passion throughout the marriage; love your kids, BUT, make time for one another. We knew that we had limited vacation time because of our careers. We decided that one of the weeks would be "family vacation", and the other was couples time. Now that the kids are grown and moved out, a lot of our friends are having difficulty relating to one another. We, on the other hand, have been looking forward to a little more alone time. The passion is only getting stronger (She still has to peel me off her long enough to get a sandwich)
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post #19 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 10:30 AM
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Agreed. She might be using it as an excuse, especially given she said she will be more into sex when her figure improves (which is totally an excuse).

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When does she intend to stop the feeding? If the child is over a year then maybe its time to wean her off the breast.
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post #20 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 08:17 PM
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Don't know if anyone mentioned this -- when she weans the baby, gets more time for herself, more time for you, know what's likely to happen? She's going to get pregnant again.... (That's how it happens in my family anyway.) I got pregant 5 months after giving birth, so my poor hubby went a while with me in straight up 'mom' mode, and I was only 23. So a big part of me wanted to be out with my husband doing things with our friends, but I couldn't stay awake long enough to make it through a whole movie, never mind go out with friends. I was also constantly aware that I couldn't have a couple drinks if I had a midnight or 6am nursing, and the million other mindsets that can keep a woman from being able to loosen up on a night off. It can be hard on a guy, but this is what "puts hair on a man's chest"(as my dad used to say)-- making a family, protecting the relationship that started that family, and going through the ups and downs of family life with yr beautiful wife. You're committed to her, right? You wanting sex IS protecting yr relationship with her, a good woman will recognize that. Though the child-bearing years can be great in many ways, it can be rough on the sex life. This IS normal.

I have 2 teens, and I remember having weekends away that my husband SO looked forward to, and often I just DIDN'T. Prep for going away without the baby is tiring, knowing you'll come back to a baby that's off-schedule is not fun to anticipate (I had severe post-partum with both of my boys, that didn't help), and I usually spent the first 2 days of our 3-day tryst catching up on sleep. I felt horrible about it, I felt selfish, but I knew he didn't want exhausted starfish sex. In short, nothing my DH could do made me feel sexy for a while there. But he was patient, and it worked out for him? If you do plan time away, which I believe is absolutely necessary, maybe see if you can get care-givers for the baby for 2 large chunks of time (at least 3 hours) in the days right before you leave. If she's like me (and some other women), we don't compartmentalize feelings like many guys seem to be able to. Mom-thoughts/sexy-thoughts/work-thoughts all happen within seconds of each other. Quiet time with no baby in the house means she can spend extra time getting done whatever is likely to be crowding out sexy thoughts on your weekend away. Even having time to paint her toes and take a nap will have her feeling rested and pretty before you go away.

So I agree with many of the above posters; continue to talk about it (though I know it can be hard to discuss how important sex is to a guy without seeming to pressure her). And be patient, it does get better..... hahaha-- then it gets rocky again when you have teenagers that hear everything and are wide awake at 10:30pm. Maybe I should start another thread to get sex advice on that topic ...

Good luck!
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post #21 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 09:47 PM
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Had same issues still have same issues can talk about it cause then it's whining about it we had a very crazy wild sex life now after the kids is boring same old stuff just less often
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post #22 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 06:43 PM
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Re: Will she ever change back again

One thing is a little unsettling: you refer to your own offspring as 'the baby' and 'the child'. Are you pitting yourself against your own baby for attention? Are you resentful of your own baby? If you are, it isn't unheard of. Your wife may be picking up on your attitude, though.
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post #23 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 07:33 PM
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Re: Will she ever change back again

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One thing is a little unsettling: you refer to your own offspring as 'the baby' and 'the child'. Are you pitting yourself against your own baby for attention? Are you resentful of your own baby? If you are, it isn't unheard of. Your wife may be picking up on your attitude, though.
You noticed that too?

Could be a bit of subconscious resentment of split attention between child and husband.

As for weening. I let our youngest self ween at 18 months. Never slowed my HD self down prior or after birth and weening. Then again he was my fifth.

Sounds like she is responsive sex drive. Responds to stimuli from you initiating. Have you tried gentle touch (breastfeeding moms are pretty touched out by the end of the day too so try touch without expectation of sex - tell her as much too).

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post #24 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 07:36 PM
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Re: Will she ever change back again

I also have to mention, you are "competing" with a hormone called oxytocin.

It is a hormone released by breastfeeding that allows for milk let down and production but is also the hormone released to create extremely strong bonds. The same hormone released from sexual intimacy between partners.

My theory is breastfeeding women (especially exclusively breastfeeding women) get desensitized to oxytocin release through sexual intimacy because of the oxytocin release of breastfeeding. Almost like a natural birth control in a way.

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post #25 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 08:39 PM
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Re: Will she ever change back again

I think what your wife is going thru is completely normal. We do not feel as sexy when we have gained weight and our bodies get stretched out from child birth. She may eventually feel that again if she gets out and continues to work on herself. Many times women put everyone else's needs before their own and do not find that time to work on themselves and end up in a almost depressed rut...hard to say if that will be your wife. It does not mean the marriage is doomed, it means her priorities have changed.

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post #26 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 10:54 AM
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Re: Will she ever change back again

Having a baby changes both of you forever. You REALLY need to have a few long talks with her about this, and tell her that it IS a dealbreaker eventually. And stick to that. If - IF - she IS using this as an excuse, things will not get better with time. You have GOT to find a way of doing this that isn't threatening to her.

I went into MOM mode after kids and never did get my groove back as far as sex. But my husband wasn't understanding at all about it - he eventually told me it was my DUTY to have sex with him, as his wife. Talk about a turn off.
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post #27 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 09:22 PM
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Re: Will she ever change back again

Quote:
Originally Posted by In2thewoods View Post
Don't know if anyone mentioned this -- when she weans the baby, gets more time for herself, more time for you, know what's likely to happen? She's going to get pregnant again.... (That's how it happens in my family anyway.) I got pregant 5 months after giving birth, so my poor hubby went a while with me in straight up 'mom' mode, and I was only 23. So a big part of me wanted to be out with my husband doing things with our friends, but I couldn't stay awake long enough to make it through a whole movie, never mind go out with friends. I was also constantly aware that I couldn't have a couple drinks if I had a midnight or 6am nursing, and the million other mindsets that can keep a woman from being able to loosen up on a night off. It can be hard on a guy, but this is what "puts hair on a man's chest"(as my dad used to say)-- making a family, protecting the relationship that started that family, and going through the ups and downs of family life with yr beautiful wife. You're committed to her, right? You wanting sex IS protecting yr relationship with her, a good woman will recognize that. Though the child-bearing years can be great in many ways, it can be rough on the sex life. This IS normal.

I have 2 teens, and I remember having weekends away that my husband SO looked forward to, and often I just DIDN'T. Prep for going away without the baby is tiring, knowing you'll come back to a baby that's off-schedule is not fun to anticipate (I had severe post-partum with both of my boys, that didn't help), and I usually spent the first 2 days of our 3-day tryst catching up on sleep. I felt horrible about it, I felt selfish, but I knew he didn't want exhausted starfish sex. In short, nothing my DH could do made me feel sexy for a while there. But he was patient, and it worked out for him? If you do plan time away, which I believe is absolutely necessary, maybe see if you can get care-givers for the baby for 2 large chunks of time (at least 3 hours) in the days right before you leave. If she's like me (and some other women), we don't compartmentalize feelings like many guys seem to be able to. Mom-thoughts/sexy-thoughts/work-thoughts all happen within seconds of each other. Quiet time with no baby in the house means she can spend extra time getting done whatever is likely to be crowding out sexy thoughts on your weekend away. Even having time to paint her toes and take a nap will have her feeling rested and pretty before you go away.

So I agree with many of the above posters; continue to talk about it (though I know it can be hard to discuss how important sex is to a guy without seeming to pressure her). And be patient, it does get better..... hahaha-- then it gets rocky again when you have teenagers that hear everything and are wide awake at 10:30pm. Maybe I should start another thread to get sex advice on that topic ...

Good luck!
GREAT POST! I can relate to this more NOW, then right after both my kids births. Right after our 2yr old was born I wanted to be with my H to reconnect and feel like my 'normal' self again, then the same feelings second time around. In fact both were c-sections and I was breastfeeding (at least with DD1) I struggled to wait 4 weeks after being told to wait 6-8 weeks. Because our girls are close in age (18months difference) I struggle to spend any time on myself, sometimes I barely manage to sit down and eat my lunch. I will shave my legs once then not have time to do them again for like 2 weeks. I used to wear makeup every day and straighten my hair, and I have gone to wearing make up maybe once a week, and just tie my lifeless looking hair back.
My H is great and will take the kids out for a short while so I can relax- but that's when I use the time to do the things around the house that I hadn't had the chance to do. Big mistake, I need to start focusing on myself more, then I can start feeling more sexy, more like my old self.
I've just started making small changes to do this only now. I haven't neglected our sex life but it's not as frequent as it once was and I guess that's on me.
I suspect OP's wife feels a bit 'touched out' and exhausted from meeting the needs of this other little person all day and night, that meeting her needs or her husbands needs are last on her agenda.

OP- Find that woman some alone time and get her to spend that time on HER so she can then spend some time on YOU

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For those that think the idea of marriage is all about hugs, kisses and being tied down forever after it is way more than that, and marriage can actually be most important when you find yourself in one of life's ugliest moments.-BadSanta
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