Will she ever change back again - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 08:21 PM Thread Starter
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Will she ever change back again

Hi ladies and all,

Male here and looking for some advice or feedback from your experiences

First time posting here but really looking for some advice and some of your thoughts. Married with a one year old currently, and I am wondering if the sex life or passion is something that will pick up again eventually, or is it doomed.

My wife is still breastfeeding at the moment about twice a day and I read that might have something to do with lower hormones, and it's always me making the advances and trying to bring back that loving feeling. I understand with a one year old it's challenging, but I am wondering if it gets better and when ?

We've talked about it and my wife keeps saying things will get better once she's regained her figure a bit more and its due to her being tired and due to the breastfeeding. We split the chores roughly half half and I do all I can to make it easier for her, meaning I change the diapers, wash the baby.

She seems to have all the energy in the world to look after the baby and I feel like I'm always put last. When the baby is finally asleep, she's too tired to do much and I feel she would rather just be alone. When we are intimate, she says she does like it, it's something she wants, and there is no discomfort, but just she's too tired.

I am not out of shape and take care of myself so don't think it's due to me not trying there.

How long did it take you ladies to start feeling "normal" again? Can breastfeeding really cause such a huge change ? My only hope is that this is just a phase that will end when the breastfeeding stops, but it just feels like things aren't getting better.

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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 08:23 PM
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Re: Will she ever change back again

You should be asking the MEN not the ladies.

You're doomed
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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 08:35 PM
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Re: Will she ever change back again

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Originally Posted by shippon View Post
Hi ladies and all,

Male here and looking for some advice or feedback from your experiences

First time posting here but really looking for some advice and some of your thoughts. Married with a one year old currently, and I am wondering if the sex life or passion is something that will pick up again eventually, or is it doomed.

My wife is still breastfeeding at the moment about twice a day and I read that might have something to do with lower hormones, and it's always me making the advances and trying to bring back that loving feeling. I understand with a one year old it's challenging, but I am wondering if it gets better and when ?

We've talked about it and my wife keeps saying things will get better once she's regained her figure a bit more and its due to her being tired and due to the breastfeeding. We split the chores roughly half half and I do all I can to make it easier for her, meaning I change the diapers, wash the baby.

She seems to have all the energy in the world to look after the baby and I feel like I'm always put last. When the baby is finally asleep, she's too tired to do much and I feel she would rather just be alone. When we are intimate, she says she does like it, it's something she wants, and there is no discomfort, but just she's too tired.

I am not out of shape and take care of myself so don't think it's due to me not trying there.

How long did it take you ladies to start feeling "normal" again? Can breastfeeding really cause such a huge change ? My only hope is that this is just a phase that will end when the breastfeeding stops, but it just feels like things aren't getting better.
Actually, with kids the wife never feels normal again to be honest until the kids are gone. The passionate sex that happened, any time of day, in any place in the home goes out the window unless when on holidays. You have to have a heart to heart with your wife and say how important it is to you and she to have that time and make a point of including it regularly. Read HNHNs and work something out.
In my own marriage, sex was always present, but at varying amounts. Now that the kids are out of the home, in spite of our problems, sex is actually better than ever due to the fact there are less responsibilities. What you both do now will set the climate for the next 10-15 years in the marriage. Have an open discussion about it. The problem is that many couples do not discuss.
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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 09:28 PM
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Re: Will she ever change back again

I disagree... yes kids change things over time, but if her drive was normal before the birth then it may normalize when she stops breastfeeding.

I am HD, and breastfed all 3 of my kids. It is very exhausting nursing a baby, and some of the hormones released during breastfeeding actually used to put me to sleep. Waking for nighttime feedings only add to the fatigue.

For me, my drive was always there but exhaustion did interfere with making it happen. I found mornings worked well.

For me things did normalize after I weaned by babies. And once I hit peri menopause my drive increased even more.

I think it's way too early to say you're doomed.


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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 09:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Will she ever change back again

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I disagree... yes kids change things over time, but if her drive was normal before the birth then it may normalize when she stops breastfeeding.

I am HD, and breastfed all 3 of my kids. It is very exhausting nursing a baby, and some of the hormones released during breastfeeding actually used to put me to sleep. Waking for nighttime feedings only add to the fatigue.

For me, my drive was always there but exhaustion did interfere with making it happen. I found mornings worked well.

For me things did normalize after I weaned by babies. And once I hit peri menopause my drive increased even more.

I think it's way too early to say you're doomed.


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thanks heartbroken and aine. i totally understand that breastfeeding can be exhausting. i would say we both were HD before, but she just seems to be LD now. your experience is encouraging that after breastfeeding things normalized more. would you say that your drive increased back to "normal" levels afterwards ? if you don't mind me asking, what frequency would you define as HD ?
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 10:03 PM
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It sounds like your wife has lost her feelings of sexiness. When a woman gives birth we go from feeling like sexual beings to feeling like cinderella. I personally felt disgusting for 6 mos after my 3 c-sections. I never breastfed so I csn only imagine it makes it that much worse.

Does your wife stay at home with the baby? I suggest finding a way to give your wife some alone time to reconnect with herself. Another idea would be to take a weekend away with no baby, just the two of you.

Your job now is to make her feel like a lady. That may be hard since she is so in "mom" mode, but you can do it. Start courting your wife again and see what happens.
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 10:04 PM
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Re: Will she ever change back again

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thanks heartbroken and aine. i totally understand that breastfeeding can be exhausting. i would say we both were HD before, but she just seems to be LD now. your experience is encouraging that after breastfeeding things normalized more. would you say that your drive increased back to "normal" levels afterwards ? if you don't mind me asking, what frequency would you define as HD ?

My drive definitely got back to normal afterwards each time. If anything it's only gotten stronger the older I get. When things were good I enjoyed sex daily and more, but at least 3-5 times a week.


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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 10:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Will she ever change back again

that is a big relief for me to hear. but it also seems in cases of others, things don't change back to normal either. i understand being in mom mode for the 1 year old, and hope this is just a phase that will pass because i don't see myself being able to take this forever...i don't think either of us would happy if this continued and we would end up drifting apart. no point living together as roommates
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-05-2017, 11:44 PM
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Re: Will she ever change back again

When does she intend to stop the feeding? If the child is over a year then maybe its time to wean her off the breast.
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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 01:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Will she ever change back again

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When does she intend to stop the feeding? If the child is over a year then maybe its time to wean her off the breast.
I am not sure myself and it is a pretty touchy subject for her. but the child is now about 14 months old and in my opinion, that should be long enough, i heard the other day that any longer and there is not much benefit. the supply seems to be decreasing but i can't say for sure, she might just be planning to go until it's all gone. but then you hear the stories about how some moms breastfeed 2 years and more and it is hard to fathom.

any other ladies that can comment on their experiences is most welcome.

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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 04:08 AM
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Re: Will she ever change back again

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I am not sure myself and it is a pretty touchy subject for her. but the child is now about 14 months old and in my opinion, that should be long enough, i heard the other day that any longer and there is not much benefit. the supply seems to be decreasing but i can't say for sure, she might just be planning to go until it's all gone. but then you hear the stories about how some moms breastfeed 2 years and more and it is hard to fathom.

any other ladies that can comment on their experiences is most welcome.
Its possible that its an excuse to avoid sex.
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 08:16 AM
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Re: Will she ever change back again

When you ask about the lack of sex what does she say? We need to know that to give some direction. She may be just tired or maybe lost interest. I know my x and I returned to our normal sexual interactions within 6 months of each of our children being born.
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 08:29 AM
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Re: Will she ever change back again

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that is a big relief for me to hear. but it also seems in cases of others, things don't change back to normal either. i understand being in mom mode for the 1 year old, and hope this is just a phase that will pass because i don't see myself being able to take this forever...i don't think either of us would happy if this continued and we would end up drifting apart. no point living together as roommates
Put a mental time limit on it. Say she weans by 2, then another 6 months to adjust. Be as supportive as you can until then, tell her how much you miss her, but prepare for a big argument if it does not resolve itself.

Do not permanently put your needs on the back burner because if she is the type who does not get it back it unprompted she's likely the type to get totally KO'd by menopause so your opportunity to fix it is now not 15 years from now...
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 09:26 AM
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Re: Will she ever change back again

Mrs. Nail changed back again 4 times. But the important difference is that Mrs. Nail had the marriage as the number one priority, and the child as number 2. Thinking back I'm very blessed that she had that clarity of thought. Her personality is naturally nurturing and she still loves children. Had she followed the nurturing path and made me a second priority, there would never have been a second child.
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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 06:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Will she ever change back again

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Mrs. Nail changed back again 4 times. But the important difference is that Mrs. Nail had the marriage as the number one priority, and the child as number 2. Thinking back I'm very blessed that she had that clarity of thought. Her personality is naturally nurturing and she still loves children. Had she followed the nurturing path and made me a second priority, there would never have been a second child.
You my friend are a lucky one. I have no idea how to get to realize that it's important. She says she knows it's important but that it's natural for moms to be the kid first. Your case among others proves that it's a choice. That's exactly what I would agree with a marriage should come first.
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