why don't I enjoy my new freedom? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 06:12 PM Thread Starter
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why don't I enjoy my new freedom?

Ladies... I feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel like I hear about and read about women who get out of bad marriages, especially abusive and/or oppressive marriages, and they enjoy their new found freedom and have a "the sky's the limit" mentality. So why don't I feel that way? I feel no excitement like that... I wish I did. Instead everything just seems scary and lonely. My marriage was abusive and extremely controlling and isolating, I was not allowed to do anything. After the divorce I jumped into a new relationship too fast that was very emotionally abusive... Ended with him getting physical. As much as I do NOT want those types of relationships... I miss the domestic sides of them. I truly enjoy cooking and cleaning and nurturing. As much as the latest boyfriend was wrong for me, he did appreciate what I did for him around the house. Ex-husband did not. It's all I've ever known to be a housewife... And yet instead of wanting to break free all I want is to be that again, but to someone worthy.

I feel so anti-feminist... Or lazy... Or something, I'm not sure what the right word is. After leaving ex boyfriend I was able to find a job fairly quick and while I am pleased to be making my own money, it doesn't feel liberating or all that great. I actually dread going. There's nothing that is beckoning me to go to school for or become passionate about. I never imagined all I'd ever want in life is to just be a housewife and mom without ANY other aspirations. Especially after having no choice for so long. Now essentially I can make my own choices. Shouldn't I feel something different? What did you ladies feel after your divorce?

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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 06:19 PM
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Re: why don't I enjoy my new freedom?

I'm not married, soon to be married this year, though - but here is my advice. I think you have had no voice of your own for so long having been in abusive relationships, that you honestly don't know who you are without a guy or a relationship (even a bad one) defining you. Spend time finding out who you are, what you enjoy, and the right men will be attracted to you. It's great to be nurturing, but bad guys can smell vulnerability a mile away, and it just sounds like you need to spend some time not dating, and finding yourself again.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 06:27 PM
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Re: why don't I enjoy my new freedom?

You sound like how my mom would feel if we could convince her to leave my POS father. She's been in an abusive relationship her entire life. She has zero hobbies beyond cooking, cleaning and nurturing. Why? She's had zero time to be herself, she's been forced to fulfill these domestic roles for us and my father.

My guess is you've not had much time to yourself as well. No time to learn to enjoy your own company, develop hobbies that satisfy you and do whatever you wanted, when you wanted.
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 06:29 PM
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Re: why don't I enjoy my new freedom?

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I'm not married, soon to be married this year, though - but here is my advice. I think you have had no voice of your own for so long having been in abusive relationships, that you honestly don't know who you are without a guy or a relationship (even a bad one) defining you. Spend time finding out who you are, what you enjoy, and the right men will be attracted to you. It's great to be nurturing, but bad guys can smell vulnerability a mile away, and it just sounds like you need to spend some time not dating, and finding yourself again.
Exactly what she said.
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 07:07 PM
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Re: why don't I enjoy my new freedom?

I agree with @Keke24 and @*Deidre*. Take some time for yourself to figure out what brings you joy and what fills you up. Not sure how to do that? There are lots of resources out there on the web beyond TAM. Just google "how to find yourself after divorce." And there are lots of books out there, too, and workbooks.

What were the things that made you happy when you were young? Try going back to some of those. What are some things that you've always wanted to try, but never did? Now's the time. Go out and do activities and make new friends!

A lot of people don't like their jobs, it's a means to an end. Don't let that worry you. And no job is permanent unless you want it to be, and even then sometimes it isn't. It's easier to find another, better job when you already have one. Have you thought about seeing a career counselor, to find out what types of jobs you might be best suited for? You also might want to try taking some community college courses to explore other options.

Life is what you make of it. Finding your joy isn't always easy, but it is certainly worth it.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 07:57 PM
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Re: why don't I enjoy my new freedom?

I know how you feel, I was that way when I left mine. It was hard to move on after being use to someone telling me what to do for so long, it takes time especially when you have been in an abusive relationship. This is the time to discover who you are and what you want, you can do this it all just takes time, 5 years after I left I finally met a man that treats me good.

What I did was try new things, I went and sometimes still do go to wine and painting classes you do not have to be a painter to have fun I met a few women there and we all became pretty good friends, I then started riding a bicycle. Try doing things you always wanted to do but was not able to do while you were in your bad marriage.



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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 09:37 PM
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Re: why don't I enjoy my new freedom?

Are you in counseling? You and a counselor can explore other interests to make life more fulfilling. After all, you enjoy cooking. How about trying a cooking class? Do you have friends? If not, adult education classes are a great way to meet new people.

I left my marriage with no job in a terrible economy back in '09. I had no future, no idea where I was heading, and no idea what exactly I was going to do. I had to take it one day at a time. I learned how to manage my money. I found a decent job. And I learned to enjoy being by myself. I read. I experiment with new recipes. I moved into a much larger apartment. Yes, I am one of those people who likes to clean. It gives me a sense of accomplishment to have a well organized, tidy living space. I also go to a local wine store for classes on wine appreciation. I've met some nice folks in my age group, and we enjoy discussing the wines we sample. I also located a cooking school where I can take classes. Basically, I am a "domestic goddess" like you. I just learned how to parlay that into ways I can get out and meet people while doing what comes naturally to me.

There's a lot to be said for freedom. I enjoy not sharing the remote control. I enjoy not cleaning up after a man in the bathroom, which was like boy scout camp the way my husband slopped it up. I go to bed when I want (retired in July), get up most of the time when I want, eat what I want, and come and go as I please.

Something for you to consider .... JMO.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 07:27 PM Thread Starter
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Sadly I do not have the funds right now to afford anything extracurricular right now. My hobbies have to be counseling, groceries, my dog, cell phone... It's where all my money goes. I can't even afford to drive my car much right now. I'm living with my parents and doing everything I can not be a financial burden to them. Doing the math... I have no idea how I'll ever have extra cash anything soon. It's very disheartening... Maybe I'll find a better job along the way, I just took whatever I could for now so I could be making SOME money right away.

Things I enjoyed before my marriage? Well, I was a youngster... But I enjoyed doing things with my friends. Anything. I wish I could have moved whrere my friends are... But with my financial situation, and them either living with their pparentsthemselves or have families and many small children it just didn't seem conducive.


I basically go to work, read, walk my dog, talk to friends on phone, sleep. I'm mad how broke I am from making 2 huge moves in under
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 07:30 PM Thread Starter
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*under 2 moves. I don't know how to edit my post. I think I'm in the anger stage right now from the boyfriend I just left... Angry I wasted all that money on him that was supposed to help me start over. I made a stupid mistake, and now suffering from it.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 07:31 PM Thread Starter
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*under 2 years. Good gosh. Someone teach me how to edit posts

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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 07:34 PM
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Re: why don't I enjoy my new freedom?

Check out your library or community center for free activities--you might be able to find some fun, interesting stuff to do there that will interest you, and will get you out of your parents' house for a time. (If I recall from another thread, the sitch with your parents isn't good, right?)

If one of your friends has small kids, go do something with her and her kids--even if it's just the local park or the library for story time. You could read to them and play with the kids. Bring your dog! Kids love dogs. Kids are great for boosting spirits. They are so full of life and curiosity. And you can have some time with your friend while the kids play.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:12 PM Thread Starter
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Oh unfortunately they live in an entirely diffetent state, I did not grow up where my parents currently live. I would definitely be hanging out with them all if I could, kids and all!! I'm regretting my decision to come here and not near my friends now... But I'm now financially stuck here for a while. Life would definitely be great even while broke if I were near tthem.
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:25 PM
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Re: why don't I enjoy my new freedom?

I know the financial struggle of starting over, it will get better just hang in there and keep pushing forward. It is good that you are at least out wlaking the dog and talking to friends that will help you heal.



You do matter!
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 09:20 PM
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Re: why don't I enjoy my new freedom?

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Originally Posted by HurtWithHope View Post
Oh unfortunately they live in an entirely diffetent state, I did not grow up where my parents currently live. I would definitely be hanging out with them all if I could, kids and all!! I'm regretting my decision to come here and not near my friends now... But I'm now financially stuck here for a while. Life would definitely be great even while broke if I were near tthem.
Then try some of the other stuff I mentioned. You'll make some new friends if you do some activities.

ETA: And sorry to hear that. Didn't intend to discount it. It sucks not having friends around.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 09:42 PM
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Re: why don't I enjoy my new freedom?

You have a dog....that's great. He or she will help with that nurturing you love and are good at. AND, it's unconditional. Nothing better.

Find a dog park and go make new friends. Go to meetup.com and see what they have in your area.

I understand how you feel. I was left with a house that's falling down and a huge mortgage. I have been trying to keep a roof over my head since July so no time for anything else. But, I have NO desire to get into a relationship so soon, if ever. I don't recognize myself right now so I have more work to do in counseling. I'll know when I'm ready I think and so will you. Take your time, get to know the new you. Your possibilities are endless.
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