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post #16 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 09:01 AM
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Re: Birth control pill and libido

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Stop being so butt-hurt and think about it for a minute. She says she feels pressured. Why does she feel pressured? Has her libido always been low while on the pill? How is your behavior towards her now different from when her libido was high?



LOL are you a teenager?

She only feels pressured if I initiate too often for her liking. I had lost interest in the past and we had gone one year without intimacy, and she seemed ok with it. She actually thought I had a girlfriend on the side, which is ridiculous.

Her libido was never high, although out of the blue (handful of times in 20 years) she would come to me after a shower with just a bathrobe getting all frisky. Also I was her first and there was no sex before marriage, I figure bringing this up may or may not shed some light on things.

She had difficulty with orgasm but usually I can get her there with my tongue or hand, she says it feels really good then it builds up to great, then pain.

What do you suggest then?
Not a teenager, but young at heart. And I think it's a great term for something that, to my knowledge, previously didn't have a label or term. But I digress.

So, it sounds like her libido has never been high, and it isn't likely to "return" when she goes off the pill.

Has she ever seen a doctor about the pain she experiences? Because that isn't normal. Some women experience something called vaginismus (or vaginism), which causes them to experience pain from sex. This can sometimes be corrected with surgery.

You also mentioned that she is on the pill to control heavy periods, which means she may have undiagnosed endometriosis. This could possibly be causing her pain when her uterus contracts from orgasm.

You say that she waited until marriage to have sex. What was the reason for that? Is she very religious? Was sex treated as a shameful thing in her family growing up? The pain could also be a psychosomatic manifestation of the shame she feels from having an orgasm, if she was taught from an early age that sex is shameful. It's funny how those little things hang around and affect us our entire lives, and we don't even know it.

If she doesn't enjoy it, that means that she is likely having sex for you, because she loves you and knows you want/need it. And not enjoying sex will pretty much guarantee that someone will be LD, because no one wants to do something they don't enjoy.


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post #17 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 10:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Birth control pill and libido

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Not a teenager, but young at heart. And I think it's a great term for something that, to my knowledge, previously didn't have a label or term. But I digress.

So, it sounds like her libido has never been high, and it isn't likely to "return" when she goes off the pill.

Has she ever seen a doctor about the pain she experiences? Because that isn't normal. Some women experience something called vaginismus (or vaginism), which causes them to experience pain from sex. This can sometimes be corrected with surgery.

You also mentioned that she is on the pill to control heavy periods, which means she may have undiagnosed endometriosis. This could possibly be causing her pain when her uterus contracts from orgasm.

You say that she waited until marriage to have sex. What was the reason for that? Is she very religious? Was sex treated as a shameful thing in her family growing up? The pain could also be a psychosomatic manifestation of the shame she feels from having an orgasm, if she was taught from an early age that sex is shameful. It's funny how those little things hang around and affect us our entire lives, and we don't even know it.

If she doesn't enjoy it, that means that she is likely having sex for you, because she loves you and knows you want/need it. And not enjoying sex will pretty much guarantee that someone will be LD, because no one wants to do something they don't enjoy.



Sex was a shameful topic for sure, as well showing affection in public was frowned on. She won't hold hands if we go for a walk. I was wondering about the vaginismus as I have read about it. Trouble is, even if I knew how to bring it up she is too stubborn to see a doctor for pretty much any reason.

And she gives in to sex the minimum amount she feels will keep me from straying or leaving.
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post #18 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 10:54 AM
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Re: Birth control pill and libido

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Sex was a shameful topic for sure, as well showing affection in public was frowned on. She won't hold hands if we go for a walk. I was wondering about the vaginismus as I have read about it. Trouble is, even if I knew how to bring it up she is too stubborn to see a doctor for pretty much any reason.

And she gives in to sex the minimum amount she feels will keep me from straying or leaving.
Oh, honey, I think you might be screwed, then. Her psychological issues may be too deep.

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post #19 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 12:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Birth control pill and libido

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Oh, honey, I think you might be screwed, then. Her psychological issues may be too deep.

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post #20 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 12:35 PM
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Re: Birth control pill and libido

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Sorry

It's definitely not the BC pill, it's HER and her FOO/psych issues. And you can't fix that sh!t if she doesn't see it as a problem, or if she doesn't want it fixed. I don't think there's anything you can do to improve the situation.

Has she ever expressed any distress over this? That she wishes the sex life was better, that she's like to do it more, except the pain makes it difficult?

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post #21 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 08:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Birth control pill and libido

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Sorry

It's definitely not the BC pill, it's HER and her FOO/psych issues. And you can't fix that sh!t if she doesn't see it as a problem, or if she doesn't want it fixed. I don't think there's anything you can do to improve the situation.

Has she ever expressed any distress over this? That she wishes the sex life was better, that she's like to do it more, except the pain makes it difficult?

What is FOO?

She's never expressed distress. Probably wished it was better but doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. I've offered to try new things and am open to suggestions. I probably have some "nice guy" tendencies but am aiming to change that. It is only painful when she gets the sensation of it building up to orgasm, it gets better and better, more intense... then pain.

On the rare occasions that she initiates... WOW! she's into it and pretty much anything goes. The end result is the same pain however. But it is passionate nonetheless, but just way too infrequent.
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post #22 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 09:16 PM
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Re: Birth control pill and libido

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What is FOO?

She's never expressed distress. Probably wished it was better but doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. I've offered to try new things and am open to suggestions. I probably have some "nice guy" tendencies but am aiming to change that. It is only painful when she gets the sensation of it building up to orgasm, it gets better and better, more intense... then pain.

On the rare occasions that she initiates... WOW! she's into it and pretty much anything goes. The end result is the same pain however. But it is passionate nonetheless, but just way too infrequent.
FOO = Family Of Origin

You could try suggesting seeing an MD to check out for physical problems, and also a sex therapist for whatever brain blocks she has going on.

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post #23 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 07:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Birth control pill and libido

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FOO = Family Of Origin

You could try suggesting seeing an MD to check out for physical problems, and also a sex therapist for whatever brain blocks she has going on.

I'll have to figure out a way to bring this up.

Thank you for all your insight and help.
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post #24 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 08:16 AM
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Re: Birth control pill and libido

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I'll have to figure out a way to bring this up.

Thank you for all your insight and help.
You're welcome, and good luck. Glad we could get past our rocky start

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post #25 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 08:24 AM
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Re: Birth control pill and libido

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On the rare occasions that she initiates... WOW! she's into it and pretty much anything goes. The end result is the same pain however. But it is passionate nonetheless, but just way too infrequent.
I'd like to echo @FeministInPink. Get her to her her OB/GYN and have her explain her low libido and the pain during heightened arousal and orgasm. These are common symptoms of endometriosis and PCOS, just to name a couple of the most common possibilities. Both can be treated.

Not to scare you, but both conditions are linked to an increased cancer risk. This isn't just about sex, it's about her overall health. Don't let her go without testing and treatment simply because she's not a fan of doctors.


Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #26 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 05:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Birth control pill and libido

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I'd like to echo @FeministInPink. Get her to her her OB/GYN and have her explain her low libido and the pain during heightened arousal and orgasm. These are common symptoms of endometriosis and PCOS, just to name a couple of the most common possibilities. Both can be treated.

Not to scare you, but both conditions are linked to an increased cancer risk. This isn't just about sex, it's about her overall health. Don't let her go without testing and treatment simply because she's not a fan of doctors.

She doesn't like going to doctors for anything because she doesn't want bad news. I know, it leaves me shaking my head.
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post #27 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 05:23 PM
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Re: Birth control pill and libido

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She doesn't like going to doctors for anything because she doesn't want bad news. I know, it leaves me shaking my head.
She's scared of bad news. I'm guessing she doesn't handle that type of thing well?

I hate going to the dentist. Dentists terrify me. The dentist we had when I was a kid was Chinese, and he didn't speak English very well. (Figures that in the most white-bread town in America, my mom would find the only Chinese dentist. But I digress.) Anyway, because he didn't communicate well, if you didn't understand what he was telling you, or if you wanted more explicit information or something (and I was the kind of kid who always asked questions, questions, questions, because I wanted to know how everything worked), he lacked the language skills to discuss on more detail or explain another way, he would just say it again, LOUDER, and sometimes he was practically yelling. (Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder if he had hearing problems.) And going to the dentist was super unpleasant in general. Even though I never had any cavities, he was always telling me that I wasn't doing a good enough job taking care of my teeth, which I didn't understand, because I was like, I brush my teeth every night and every morning. I tried to explain that flossing hurt, but he just talked at me more. If he had listened to what I was saying, maybe he would have figured out that my wisdom teeth, while they hadn't come in yet, were crowding the other teeth in my mouth, and it made flossing difficult. (I've since had two removed, and it's still hard to floss, but not as bad as then.) Anyway, my point is that I hate dentists, I'm scared of them, and it's totally irrational, but there it is.

So there's probably some underlying reason that she doesn't like doctors. Could be ANYTHING. And if she doesn't care enough about the sex issue, it probably won't be enough to convince her to go, unfortunately.

Dude, your wife's got issues. I mean, I'm scared of dentists, I forget to close cabinets, I can't tell my left from my right, and I have some triggers I'm working on from my previous marriage and FOO, but... damn.

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post #28 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-11-2017, 07:27 AM
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Re: Birth control pill and libido

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She doesn't like going to doctors for anything because she doesn't want bad news. I know, it leaves me shaking my head.
So? I don't know anyone who likes going to the doctor. We do it, anyways.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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