Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?
My partner and I have only been together about 10 months, and he's a little bit commitment-phobic. He recognizes that we are a couple, we are seeing each other, we are in a romantic relationship, we are exclusive... but saying that we are dating or boyfriend/girlfriend is off-limits, because in his mind that signifies a very serious commitment. The love is there, but neither of us has said it yet... I think we're both a little bit scared to say it, and I think it might freak him out a little bit. And there have been (2) times before, in the first few months we were together, when he declared that my feelings for him were stronger, that he just didn't feel the same way about me. At the time, he was denying and lying to himself about what he really felt, as a defense mechanism and a way to protect himself, and I knew it, even if he didn't realize that's what he was doing at the time. Even though I understand that, there is part of me that is very hesitant to say the L word, because I'm scared that he's going to respond that he doesn't feel the same way. So there is a very stubborn part of me that is determined to not say it first.
So I wasn't quite sure how to address Valentine's Day. It's kind of like a landmine. Because it's a romantic holiday, and he can be very romantic. Not necessarily in the traditional flowers and candy sort of thing, but he's romantic in his own way, and in a way that matches my own sensibilities. But it's also a holiday about love, and since we haven't really talked about that, it's kind of a loaded holiday.
And here's the kicker: I think it's a total bull-sh!t holiday, completely commercialized and promoted to sell crap that no one needs, like cheap teddy bears and bad candy, and greeting cards with declarations of love and whatever, overpriced food at crowded restaurants with bad service because they're so busy. And for what? So a guy can prove to his mate that he loves her (or him, if they're gay)? Because Valentine's Day is all about the girl. All this schlock, pomp, and circumstance so he can prove his love. But why? Why does he have to prove his love? If he loves her, he should be showing her that (and she should be feeling it) every day; he shouldn't need a commercially dedicated day to show his love. Valentine's Day basically says, pull out all the stops on this day, and you can slack all year long. WTF?
Not only that, but Valentine's Day makes single people (especially women) feel like CRAP, and serves as a reminder that, "Hey, Single Person, we're just going to throw it in your face that you're not good enough to have someone to spend this most special of all days with. And no matter where you go or what you do on this most special day of all days, you will be reminded of it. And if you go out with a single gal pal on the most special day of all days, everyone will assume you're a lesbian."
Even so, I love holidays in general. So, even though I think V-Day is bullsh!t, I'm still probably going to want to send at least a little GIF or something. My guy loves gummi candy, so maybe get him some V-Day themed gummies or something. I just don't want to make a big deal about it. Because, as much as I dislike it, it feels really good to have someone in your life like him when V-Day rolls around.
(I know, I'm a walking contradiction. It's one of my hallmarks.)
So, how to express this to a guy who IS romantic, but perhaps not in the traditional sense, who has a romantic relationship with me, but with whom I haven't discussed the L word? Do I just ignore it and hope that it passes by without incident? Because I don't want to totally ignore it. And what if he wants to celebrate and I'm caught totally unawares?
Apparently, he had been thinking along the same lines... on Sunday, we stopped at Walgreens because I needed some cold medicine, and the place was just festooned with Valentine's Day stuff. The guy in front of us in line was holding a stuffed bear with a heart sewn into its paws. My guy throws his arm around my shoulders, kisses my forehead, and says, "We don't need to do Valentine's Day because very day is Valentine's Day with you and me, babe."
It was just about perfect. We did talk about it a little more, but we really didn't need to. I'm still going to do a little something, but just because I want to, not because it's expected. And I'm not expecting anything from him. Because I don't need a special day to tell me how he feels about me.
~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~