Valentines Will it be just another day for you? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 01:50 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
For me it will be just another day. I know beyond any doubt she will do absolutely nothing for me but I will be expected to do something for her. I only wish that I really wanted to do something but being expected to do something is twice as bad as knowing there will be no reciprocation.
So will you do something for her this year?

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post #17 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 01:53 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

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Yes obviously my issue is deeper than Vday that's not what the post was about...Its not asking if Vday is commercialized or not , its not about me thinking I need something on Vday...its about all other things ...Vday and what and how others feel...its a deep thought......
Where does the post point to Vday being commercialized? You post 6 paragraphs and only 1 refers to Vday. I see others commenting on the same issues in your post. If you don't want us to comment on what you present, don't present it.
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post #18 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 01:59 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

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So will you do something for her this year?
Yeah, in our marriage it's better to try to keep the peace instead of doing what would make the most sense or to try to make a point.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #19 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 02:22 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

V Day will be like many other days here, I will get flowers and lots of loving. I will be celebrating it with a man that is not the father of my children.

Do not stay in a bad marriage for the kids, it is not a healthy place for them or you.
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post #20 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 02:55 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

My partner and I have only been together about 10 months, and he's a little bit commitment-phobic. He recognizes that we are a couple, we are seeing each other, we are in a romantic relationship, we are exclusive... but saying that we are dating or boyfriend/girlfriend is off-limits, because in his mind that signifies a very serious commitment. The love is there, but neither of us has said it yet... I think we're both a little bit scared to say it, and I think it might freak him out a little bit. And there have been (2) times before, in the first few months we were together, when he declared that my feelings for him were stronger, that he just didn't feel the same way about me. At the time, he was denying and lying to himself about what he really felt, as a defense mechanism and a way to protect himself, and I knew it, even if he didn't realize that's what he was doing at the time. Even though I understand that, there is part of me that is very hesitant to say the L word, because I'm scared that he's going to respond that he doesn't feel the same way. So there is a very stubborn part of me that is determined to not say it first.

So I wasn't quite sure how to address Valentine's Day. It's kind of like a landmine. Because it's a romantic holiday, and he can be very romantic. Not necessarily in the traditional flowers and candy sort of thing, but he's romantic in his own way, and in a way that matches my own sensibilities. But it's also a holiday about love, and since we haven't really talked about that, it's kind of a loaded holiday.

And here's the kicker: I think it's a total bull-sh!t holiday, completely commercialized and promoted to sell crap that no one needs, like cheap teddy bears and bad candy, and greeting cards with declarations of love and whatever, overpriced food at crowded restaurants with bad service because they're so busy. And for what? So a guy can prove to his mate that he loves her (or him, if they're gay)? Because Valentine's Day is all about the girl. All this schlock, pomp, and circumstance so he can prove his love. But why? Why does he have to prove his love? If he loves her, he should be showing her that (and she should be feeling it) every day; he shouldn't need a commercially dedicated day to show his love. Valentine's Day basically says, pull out all the stops on this day, and you can slack all year long. WTF?

Not only that, but Valentine's Day makes single people (especially women) feel like CRAP, and serves as a reminder that, "Hey, Single Person, we're just going to throw it in your face that you're not good enough to have someone to spend this most special of all days with. And no matter where you go or what you do on this most special day of all days, you will be reminded of it. And if you go out with a single gal pal on the most special day of all days, everyone will assume you're a lesbian."

Even so, I love holidays in general. So, even though I think V-Day is bullsh!t, I'm still probably going to want to send at least a little GIF or something. My guy loves gummi candy, so maybe get him some V-Day themed gummies or something. I just don't want to make a big deal about it. Because, as much as I dislike it, it feels really good to have someone in your life like him when V-Day rolls around.

(I know, I'm a walking contradiction. It's one of my hallmarks.)

So, how to express this to a guy who IS romantic, but perhaps not in the traditional sense, who has a romantic relationship with me, but with whom I haven't discussed the L word? Do I just ignore it and hope that it passes by without incident? Because I don't want to totally ignore it. And what if he wants to celebrate and I'm caught totally unawares?

Apparently, he had been thinking along the same lines... on Sunday, we stopped at Walgreens because I needed some cold medicine, and the place was just festooned with Valentine's Day stuff. The guy in front of us in line was holding a stuffed bear with a heart sewn into its paws. My guy throws his arm around my shoulders, kisses my forehead, and says, "We don't need to do Valentine's Day because very day is Valentine's Day with you and me, babe."

It was just about perfect. We did talk about it a little more, but we really didn't need to. I'm still going to do a little something, but just because I want to, not because it's expected. And I'm not expecting anything from him. Because I don't need a special day to tell me how he feels about me.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #21 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:11 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

We're dealing with uncontrollable circumstances outside our love right now that make celebrating Valentine's Day like I had wanted to very difficult. Without revealing too much detail, if things don't go well, V-day might be just another day for us. We'll have an evening at the theatre, but other than that I doubt I'll have the psychological fortitude to plan anything spectacular.

If nothing disastrous does turn up, we'll have a wonderful day indeed! I'll hand make him a card, and I've been hinting I want a card and flowers as well. I'll decorate the house with roses and candles and flower petals, and make lovely strawberry smoothies for us. We'll spend the day at home together, giving each other lengthy massages and maybe going for a walk, before I put on my best ballgown and we go out for dinner and a show.


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post #22 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 03:38 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

And this is my PSA so that everyone can have a great Valentine's Day: Follow Dan Savage's advice.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #23 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 06:08 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
Yeah, in our marriage it's better to try to keep the peace instead of doing what would make the most sense or to try to make a point.
Do you get steak and bj day at least?
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post #24 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 06:13 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

I am sending my GF one of those edible arrangements to her work for her and all her coworkers. I liked that better than sending flowers because it's slightly different. I work the night before so I will stop and see if they have iris at the store, which I doubt, so I will get a couple dozen roses and bring them home ( give some to my daughters which they always get a kick out of) I have to work VDay night so we are going to Denver and stay overnight this weekend and do a couple of museums up there. All should be good
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post #25 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 06:28 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

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I was thinking about adding flowers then I thought she might appreciate a silk arrangement that would last longer.
An unsolicited PSA . No silk flowers. Real ones.

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post #26 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 06:54 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

Definitely not another day for me. I offered to take wifey out for lunch but she declined - too busy. I got invited to the birthday lunch of She Who Is Available And To My Liking 😁. Only a handful of close friends in a very classy and expensive seafood restaurant.

I made sure to mail care packages to my daughters, too. Felt silly mailing chocolate to the younger in Switzerland... and cat treats and lots of coffee to the older.
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post #27 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 07:20 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

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And this is my PSA so that everyone can have a great Valentine's Day: Follow Dan Savage's advice.


If I had a relationship where i could follow his advice, I wouldn't need to be reading TAM.
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post #28 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 07:37 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

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I am sending my GF one of those edible arrangements to her work for her and all her coworkers. I liked that better than sending flowers because it's slightly different. I work the night before so I will stop and see if they have iris at the store, which I doubt, so I will get a couple dozen roses and bring them home ( give some to my daughters which they always get a kick out of) I have to work VDay night so we are going to Denver and stay overnight this weekend and do a couple of museums up there. All should be good
Don't get one that's too big, unless there are a lot of people in her office. That's a LOT of fruit to eat. (I would take it all apart and freeze the fruit so I could make smoothies, but I'm a dork like that.)

If you want roses, you should order them in advance--they're always in high demand on V-Day. I love the iris idea. Unique.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #29 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 09:12 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

i spent two hours with her on one of the last nice Saturdays in the fall buying silk flowers, and now you say she doesn't like them. Boy have I been had. I guess I'll stop listening to her.
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post #30 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 09:18 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

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i spent two hours with her on one of the last nice Saturdays in the fall buying silk flowers, and now you say she doesn't like them. Boy have I been had. I guess I'll stop listening to her.
If she LIKES them and she wanted them, it's all good. Most women don't like the fake flowers

Even if she didn't actually like fake flowers, you still did better than my XH. For my birthday once, he bought me an encyclopedia of roses, and he was like, "Now I don't have to buy you flowers anymore, because you always have them!"

1. The jerk never bought me flowers anyway, I always bought my own flowers. In the 11 yrs we were together, he bought me flowers twice. Maybe three times.
2. I HATE roses. They're my least favorite flower.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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