Valentines Will it be just another day for you? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 07:48 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

Hey ladies, or men if you want to indulge us with your thoughts...Will Valentines Day be just another day for you? Are you clearly expecting nothing from your spouse because you are going through current or chronic tough times together?

For me, he has lived outside of the bedroom for about going on 2 years now...stays gone all the time with your child, because that is his passion and current voluntary job for others...( nightly until about 7:30-8pm) and just about every weekend out of town to an event for our child and other children on the team....

Do you just hang on for your child? Do you hang on to hopes that something will click in his mind and he will realize what he is doing? Do you keep going to your therapist for the past 5 years religiously just to vent and be able to deal ?

Although I may not be physically abused, I have come to terms that I am in the utmost deepest kind of mental and emotionally abusive relationship that I can't figure out how to get out of...

yes, I have posted before, yes, I am still here...I have so much respect and love for my son that I don't know how to disrupt the marriage and move on...although I know it is what I should do.....I keep taking it day after day and my heart I believe may be a shriveled up piece of beef jerky or lettuce at this point...


Maybe , just maybe what is wrong with me is nothing....maybe I am just upholding my end of the marital vow that is an unconditional love.....unconditional in so many aspects..

:c rying:

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post #2 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:02 AM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

Valentines will be just another day for my partner and myself. Not because there's anything wrong with our relationship but just because I've never been much of a holiday/celebratory person. I have such a hard time remembering his birthday alone. Our anniversary, forget it, can't remember that either. Out of all the holidays I think Valentines Day is probably the one I'm most averse too. I love watching other couples do stuff for each other but I can't bother with it myself. If he wants to get dinner or something on the day then sure, I love food so I'd happily indulge.

But more importantly, OP it seems you have a more serious problem than potentially not getting anything from your spouse. You can't possibly think staying in this is better for your son in the long run.
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post #3 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:24 AM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

Vday is just another day for me, a hallmark "holiday" meant really for companies to rake in the money. I rather focus on our wedding anniversary, birthdays, and just in general doing things for each other year round.

That being said, and agreeing with Keke, your issues seem to go way beyond Vday.
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post #4 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:39 AM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

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Originally Posted by SignOfLife View Post
:c rying:
Is this worth your life? You know you die eventually, and you can't get any time back.
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post #5 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:45 AM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

I'm not Catholic, so I don't celebrate Saint Valentine's Day. I'm definitely more in the camp of hubby and I doing something romantic because he or I wants to, not because of a date on a calendar. That would feel empty to me anyway. I realize I'm in the minority on that thought pattern.

That being said honey, that is not even really what your post was about. You are suffering in a very unhappy marriage. I completely understand staying because of your son, I did this in my first marriage, many years past when I thought I couldn't stay anymore.

Divorce is difficult, and has been very hard on my youngest. Everyone says "kids are resilient" and sure, they are, they don't die, but it is REALLY hard on many of them. As parents, we do everything we can to not make things harder on our kids. I don't know your story, or what you and he have tried to do to improve your marriage. I'm for families staying together whenever possible. Part of me wishes I could have stayed till my kids were grown. The other part of me could never imagine having missed the opportunity to meet my second husband who is completely part of my soul.

Wherever your path takes you, I hope you and your family will have true happiness and peace. All my best!

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #6 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:46 AM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

Valentines day is especially hard on betrayed spouses, after all it is a day that celebrates romantic love, and ****, the worst that could happen in a romantic relationship has happened...but it is not the end of the world, if you are willing to work.

Hey folks, if we could recover Valentines day, then anyone can. You see, Valentines day, 1988, was DDAY. She asked and I admitted the affair. She locked herself in the bedroom, I left. Her and I separated that day. I went to a cheap motel, and slept with the AP. (To this day, I still cannot believe that my need to escape was that foolishly strong) That was the lowest I could go. If that damn fog wasn't upon me, I would have never done anything so patently stupid.

After we reconciled, Valentines day was a grim reminder for the first ten years afterward. I worked my ass off every year to make that painful memory go away. The week before was characterized by depression and the occasional fight. (I would buy romantic gifts, one year she got me a pair of socks-now I know that does not sound appetizing, but it was momentous in that she was recognizing that I was trying hard to remake that day) Making the day over, really came together ten years afterward, I surprised her with a getaway, and a show far out of town, and away from the triggers. Since then, Valentines day is filled with some gifts, some naughty toys, and we make a conscious effort to have mind blowing sex on that day. 30 years after the fact, we have recovered Valentines day.


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Last edited by EleGirl; 02-22-2017 at 02:32 AM.
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post #7 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
Valentines will be just another day for my partner and myself. Not because there's anything wrong with our relationship but just because I've never been much of a holiday/celebratory person. I have such a hard time remembering his birthday alone. Our anniversary, forget it, can't remember that either. Out of all the holidays I think Valentines Day is probably the one I'm most averse too. I love watching other couples do stuff for each other but I can't bother with it myself. If he wants to get dinner or something on the day then sure, I love food so I'd happily indulge.

But more importantly, OP it seems you have a more serious problem than potentially not getting anything from your spouse. You can't possibly think staying in this is better for your son in the long run.
Yes obviously my issue is deeper than Vday that's not what the post was about...Its not asking if Vday is commercialized or not , its not about me thinking I need something on Vday...its about all other things ...Vday and what and how others feel...its a deep thought......
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post #8 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 08:50 AM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

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I'm not Catholic, so I don't celebrate Saint Valentine's Day.
Interesting, I have never viewed it as a Catholic holiday. I do wonder how many people actually associate it with Catholicism (I think you are the first person I have very heard state this).
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post #9 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

This topic keeps coming up, and I have some concerns about this year that I want to talk about, I hope you don't mind me using this thread to explore.

Over the past 3 years or so as we approach a major change in life (our children are all adults), we have grown apart and together and apart again. So far not enough of our kids have moved out of the house to free up a spare bedroom for me. But Next Month it could happen. So Valentines . . . .

We are very busy between now and the first week in March. Too busy to schedule any special events except maybe a dinner. My current Diet makes dining out a challenge, but doable. I was taught by my Grandmother the importance of doing things for valentines. When my kids were in public School I made sure they all had a nice valentines gift in the morning so that no matter how badly the school day went they would feel loved. Now I've fallen out of the habit. But I did order a nice trinket for Mrs. Nail, that should arrive today. I was thinking about adding flowers then I thought she might appreciate a silk arrangement that would last longer. Off the cuff I mentioned to her that Valentines was soon and I got a cut "so what" reply. Now I don't care if she doesn't do anything. Busy trumps everything in her world, and at this point I understand that. But I'm feeling a bit foolish for for bothering to try.

In 5 weeks the stress will be over and we will be getting close again. But, that is also the time a spare bedroom should open up. Better not to make any plan I think.

Well @SignOfLife the holiday has sharpened your perception of your unmet needs. You will feel differently in a few weeks. Eventually you may decide to take action to separate, but I don't think this would be the best time to make that decision.
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post #10 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 10:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

Thanks Mr. Nail! -----Don't feel foolish for doing things for her..Just you considering it and doing is amazing...

Me , its not just the Holiday..its every day and it wont change...Just was curious what other situations were..My therapist admitted to me he has no, absolutely no clients now or in the past that their spouse lives literally on the driveway of the home! maybe another bedroom but no outside...

So Im in search of someone with my same experience...what a bizarre man! (my spouse)..I just don't understand him at all...

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post #11 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 10:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

I completely understand that...I do.
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post #12 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 12:06 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

I don't know how old your son is, but staying together is not always best for the kids. It depends on the situation. Your son, once he gets old enough (if he's not already there), is going to see the tension in the household. Kids are very perceptive.

You deserve to be happy. Your son deserves to understand that accepting mental & emotional abuse is NOT okay. He's currently learning how to treat future women. He may even be learning that what is currently going on between the 2 of you is "normal". How do you feel about that?

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #13 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 01:26 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

Probably just another day. We both see it mostly as a way for companies to make money on cards and candy.

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"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #14 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 01:41 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

For me it will be just another day. I know beyond any doubt she will do absolutely nothing for me but I will be expected to do something for her. I only wish that I really wanted to do something but being expected to do something is twice as bad as knowing there will be no reciprocation.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #15 of 46 (permalink) Old 02-08-2017, 01:45 PM
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Re: Valentines Will it be just another day for you?

If any of you don't want to do the Valentines usual you can use of the ideas from the article.
as I said in some other thread, i'll be getting a takeaway!
https://www.buzzfeed.com/gorzauni/ro...as-for-c-2sfg0
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