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post #16 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 11:38 AM
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Re: Would you "advise" your daughters to get married.

Only if they elope. Weddings are way too expensive!

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post #17 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: Would you "advise" your daughters to get married.

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Originally Posted by Itwasjustafantasy View Post
My daughter is still very young but she already knows that marriage and parenting are just optional and she can have a very fulfilling and happy life whether she chooses to follow those paths or not.

I want her to grow up to be an independent happy person and to think for herself. Now unlike many, I absolutely positively do not want grandchildren but that is something that I do not get to control. I do however intend to set clear limits and let her know (once she is of a more appropriate age) that I am not to become a full-time caregiver of young children. I am not a grandmother so I have no experience in it but I do not want to be a parent ever again and have little interest in being left to raise young children when I am ready to retire and enjoy what is known as the empty nest.

Growing up in a thirld world country I was essentially taught that marriage and parenting are life requirements and being single for life or having no kids meant being lonely and full of regrets. I absolutely do not want to pass on such misguided advice to my child. Luckily my husband agrees with me though he does not cringe at the idea of some day becoming a grandparent. Again, that won't be up to us. We both trust we are raising a child who knows to question everything and to not be a follower but to think for herself. Especially once she is an adult, her life her choices. I will be there to offer support when she needs and asks for it but other than that I have to trust that she will make the best choices for herself regardless of anybody else's opinion (even my own).
What have you got against grandchildren?
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post #18 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 11:57 AM
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Re: Would you "advise" your daughters to get married.

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Marriage is a great deal for women. I could never advise my son to get married though.
Cant have one without the other.
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post #19 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 11:58 AM
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Re: Would you "advise" your daughters to get married.

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Only if they elope. Weddings are way too expensive!

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They dont have to be.
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post #20 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 11:59 AM
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Re: Would you "advise" your daughters to get married.

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They dont have to be.
Mine was only $25, but it's rare these days. Some folks are dropping $50,000+ on weddings. Sad...

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post #21 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 12:03 PM
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Re: Would you "advise" your daughters to get married.

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I really don't think that marriage is a good idea for anyone anymore. You rarely come across marriages that last longer than 10 years. Most young people think of marriage as an extended date and aren't that serious about it. Both my daughters have seen how bad their parents marriage has been and will probably think twice before they want to go through it themselves. I won't stop them but I will definitely tell them the truth about it, that it's not for everyone and only the strongest of relationships will make it through.
Well 60% of marriages do last(in the UK) so that's not bad. My children and my husbands children have seen many divorces in our families, but 2 of them are happily married(sons) and my older daughter wants to marry as well.

I think marriage is very important. I would far rather they married than lived together.

Last edited by Diana7; 02-10-2017 at 12:45 PM.
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post #22 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 12:17 PM
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Re: Would you "advise" your daughters to get married.

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Well 60% of marriages do last(in the UK) so that's not bad. My children and my husbands children have seen many divorces in our families, but 2 of them are happily married(sons) and my older daughter wants to marry as well.

I think marriage is very important. I would far rather they married than lived with each other.
I also do think that marriage is better than living together but you really have to be serious about it before you to it. I would want to be sure that they are with a guy they have known for awhile who can make a good living and that both of them are committed to working throughout the marriage. I've actually lost quite a bit of sleep over this. I don't want my daughters to have to experience the hell I've gone through. On one hand I never want them to get married but on the other I want them to be happy and living with a guy puts you more at risk then having a ****ty marriage. All I can do is pray for their future that they find a better spouse then their mother.

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post #23 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 12:20 PM
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Re: Would you "advise" your daughters to get married.

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What have you got against grandchildren?
Nothing against grandchildren per se. I feel completely fulfilled with having my one and only daughter. Parenting has been rough for both my husband and I, we were together for almost a decade before we considered having a child. I have a history of severe post partum depression and depression and anxiety in general so being a good enough mother has been and continues to be a role that is not easy for me at all even when my awesome husband is the most involved father to our child.
So, I look forwards to the freedom and spontaneity that not caring for very young children will allow my husband and me once our little one is a young adult. Of course that is not guaranteed but grandchildren deserve love and attention that I am simply not willing to give. Everyone tells me everything changes once you hold that little baby in your arms, etc etc but I am a realist, I refuse to romanticize life events that involved a lot more than pure fun and joy...being a good human being, friend, parent or grandparent requires an element of selflessness and desire to truly be present not just physically but mentally. I have no such desire. Now again should my daughter decide to have children, I will probably embrace my role as a grandmother but unlike some other women i know tje last thing Id evee do is to nag her about making me a grandmother. I am already a fantastic auntie and work with children on top of having my own child, being true to myself I know I get plenty of opportunities to be nurturing and loving to the children that are already in my life. In other words I am fulfilled with my life as it is. I want to focus the years when my daughter needs me less on my husband as that would make him and me very happy.
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post #24 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 12:31 PM
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Re: Would you "advise" your daughters to get married.

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Marriage is a great deal for women. I could never advise my son to get married though.
Marriage the same deal for men and women. The laws are not gender specific.
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post #25 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 12:33 PM
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Re: Would you "advise" your daughters to get married.

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Of which she will have no idea about?
The acceptance criteria is well documented

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post #26 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 12:49 PM
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Re: Would you "advise" your daughters to get married.

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Mine was only $25, but it's rare these days. Some folks are dropping $50,000+ on weddings. Sad...

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Our married childrens weddings cost £4,500($5600) and £5000($6000). One had a hundred guests as well. Both really nice weddings.
Mine and my husbands 11 years ago only cost about £600($750). That included a suit for him and his son and my outfit.
You can have very cheap wedding if you really want to.
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post #27 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 12:53 PM
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Re: Would you "advise" your daughters to get married.

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Our married childrens weddings cost £4,500($5600) and £5000($6000). One had a hundred guests as well. Both really nice weddings.
Mine and my husbands 11 years ago only cost about £600($750). That included a suit for him and his son and my outfit.
You can have very cheap wedding if you really want to.
Problem is that most social media and TV pushes expensive weddings, so girls are enamored with them from an early age.

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post #28 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 01:09 PM
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Re: Would you "advise" your daughters to get married.

No wedding planning for us. Paying about $200k per child for college ought to cover an Ivanka level wedding or two 😁
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post #29 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 01:15 PM
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Re: Would you "advise" your daughters to get married.

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Originally Posted by Ol'Pal View Post
Marriage is a great deal for women. I could never advise my son to get married though.

Really? Because honestly, I think it's the opposite. In general I think the expectations from women are changing because women now have more opportunities.
So for instance, in my marriage, up until the last two years, I was the bread winner. But societal pressures haven't caught up to the changing power structure between men and women. Because in the end, I also did the majority of the house work and put my own goals on hold to get my ex through school.

If I spoke up about it I was considered a nag and if I got angry I was considered to have rage issues.

And when we divorced, even though he brought almost nothing into the marriage, he still got to keep half.

And when I think about it, if I hadn't had such a warped opinion that marriage was sacred and I should have give it my all, I would have left long before he ended it by cheating.

So based on my personal experience, I would not advise anyone to get married. It's an extremely risky financial and emotional proposition and even if you think you are completely in sync people change and you can't predict if it's going to be you or the other person and you can't even guess if the change will be good or bad.


And yet, I know that nothing could have stopped me from going down my path. If I could back in time and tell myself not to get married and explain why, I know I still would have done it.

Who knows, maybe I will change my mind, but I don't see getting married again as something I would ever want to do.
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post #30 of 39 (permalink) Old 02-10-2017, 01:43 PM
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Re: Would you "advise" your daughters to get married.

I would say it be fine long as she is in love and the man can provide for her in marriage and pay for her children, all three of them, the house for her to live in if married or divorce and a nice maintenance engagement to raise two to three kids, If she has one, too bad, work and the guy pays 1/2 of daycare. too since the divorce rate is 47-57% for first time marriages and higher for cohabitation. I would expect her to marry well and sock money away for an escape fund for her or her husband. Mostly her husband since they get restraining orders and can't comeback. To make a spouse homeless is cruel.
I would keep my mouth about the man she wants to marry. I think it would be safer for her to stay single, have separate residences though, but having someone to come home to is nice too. No fighting over who gets what assets should they divorce.

With my emotions going up an down with my own divorce, I am feeling angry, unloved, and wonder if I will recover. I am biased at the moment and it is hard to lament and be happy or anyone else right now, I have to get over this...
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