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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 02:48 PM Thread Starter
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Question A Womans Perspective Please

Wifey and I have been married for 16 years well almost. And due to some medical and psychiatric reasons our sex life isn't what it used to be. This is the second marriage for both of us no kids between us. All the other kids grown and on their own. So back to the point. Wifey used to be absolutely voracious in bed and I love it. Now things are slower paced and I deal with that. Due to the medical issues it's harder for me to perform like I used to. Lately I've been attempting to please her manually when she seemed a bit horny and I just couldn't do it due to the pain I'm in. It works some of he time but I tried talking about it with her and she said that she enjoys the feelings I give her like that but then feels guilty that we don't go all the way to intercourse. While at the same time she understands sometimes I can't. I just wanted to give her the wildest orgasm in the world and let her just lay back and enjoy. She doesn't seem to understand that sometimes it doesn't have to end up at intercourse to be complete. How do I convince her it's ok for her to get the BIG O even more than once without it involving my penis?

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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 03:29 PM
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Re: A Womans Perspective Please

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Originally Posted by GPC2012 View Post
Wifey and I have been married for 16 years well almost. And due to some medical and psychiatric reasons our sex life isn't what it used to be. This is the second marriage for both of us no kids between us. All the other kids grown and on their own. So back to the point. Wifey used to be absolutely voracious in bed and I love it. Now things are slower paced and I deal with that. Due to the medical issues it's harder for me to perform like I used to. Lately I've been attempting to please her manually when she seemed a bit horny and I just couldn't do it due to the pain I'm in. It works some of he time but I tried talking about it with her and she said that she enjoys the feelings I give her like that but then feels guilty that we don't go all the way to intercourse. While at the same time she understands sometimes I can't. I just wanted to give her the wildest orgasm in the world and let her just lay back and enjoy. She doesn't seem to understand that sometimes it doesn't have to end up at intercourse to be complete. How do I convince her it's ok for her to get the BIG O even more than once without it involving my penis?
How old are the two of you?

If manual stimulation is painful to you, why not try a vibrator sometimes?

Have you considered going together to a marriage counselor who is a sex therapist? You could tell her that you want to go for yourself so that you can improve your ability for intercourse and orgasm. And then once there, the sex therapist can talk to her to help convince her that it's ok to not have the BIG O every time.

A good sex therapist will have some great therapies/suggestions to get you both through this.
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 03:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: A Womans Perspective Please

I guess I was a little vague. the pain isn''t sexual it's the fact that I have a messed back and shoulder from a work injury. It's as good as it's gonna get pain wise. I'm on meds for it. Wifey has a bad back and it's getting worse thanks to her ex slapping beating and throwing her around whne they were to together.
Ages I am days away from 60 and her 57.5.
Our problems aren't issues of me not sexully being able to perform. Sometimes my shoulder and back just hurt so bad that I end up almost overdosing pain meds to try and get the pain back under control. and I hate the GD things,
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 03:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: A Womans Perspective Please

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I guess I was a little vague. the pain isn''t sexual it's the fact that I have a messed back and shoulder from a work injury. It's as good as it's gonna get pain wise. I'm on meds for it. Wifey has a bad back and it's getting worse thanks to her ex slapping beating and throwing her around whne they were to together.
Ages I am days away from 60 and her 57.5.
Our problems aren't issues of me not sexully being able to perform. Sometimes my shoulder and back just hurt so bad that I end up almost overdosing pain meds to try and get the pain back under control. and I hate the GD things,
I didn't meant to imply that I was not physically able to get it up or anything. I'm just trying to make her sexlife a little fuller, besides the fact the I really love to lay there and experience her orgasm too.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 04:07 PM
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Re: A Womans Perspective Please

Are there any positions you can use that would cause less pain? Provided you are not having ED issues, sometimes just a change in position can help. I've found that while women can have that big O without it, they still get a craving for penetration. Penetration is much more intimate, and thus more fulfilling when combined with the O.
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 04:14 PM
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Re: A Womans Perspective Please

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Originally Posted by GPC2012 View Post
I guess I was a little vague. the pain isn''t sexual it's the fact that I have a messed back and shoulder from a work injury. It's as good as it's gonna get pain wise. I'm on meds for it. Wifey has a bad back and it's getting worse thanks to her ex slapping beating and throwing her around whne they were to together.
Yes I understood that before I posted.

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Originally Posted by GPC2012 View Post
Ages I am days away from 60 and her 57.5.
That's what I thought. Things related to sex change a lot as we age. So our approach to sex benefits from making some changes.

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Originally Posted by GPC2012 View Post
Our problems aren't issues of me not sexully being able to perform. Sometimes my shoulder and back just hurt so bad that I end up almost overdosing pain meds to try and get the pain back under control. and I hate the GD things,
My advice stands. There are things that a sex therapist can help both of you with. One of them is to get her to understand what you said you want her to understand about you.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 04:16 PM
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Re: A Womans Perspective Please

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Originally Posted by GPC2012 View Post
I didn't meant to imply that I was not physically able to get it up or anything. I'm just trying to make her sexlife a little fuller, besides the fact the I really love to lay there and experience her orgasm too.
Well, if you told her this, she is not getting what you are saying. Sometimes it helps to have someone else help you make the point. A sex therapist can help you get this through to her.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 05:27 PM
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Re: A Womans Perspective Please

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Originally Posted by GPC2012 View Post
I didn't meant to imply that I was not physically able to get it up or anything. I'm just trying to make her sexlife a little fuller, besides the fact the I really love to lay there and experience her orgasm too.
That's great that you want to make her sex live fuller by giving her orgasms. But what does she want? I could have dozens of screaming orgasms but without intercourse to finish it up it never feels finished. However, your wife may not fully understand the you get a lot out of watching her orgasm and you really like doing it.


Seems to me neither of you are HEARING the other. You're both talking but no one is listening.

Secondarily, there are many positions you and your wife can adapt to allow intercourse without pain. The best person to seek help on this is a physical therapist. Either you go or your wife goes, but if you hand the physical therapist the doctor's injury reports and diagnosis etc for both of you, the PT will be able to come up with work arounds. Whether it's pillows or even a swing (woohoo!) back pain doesn't HAVE to end your sex life.

Sex Positions For Back Pain: 'Doggy-Style' Can Alleviate Lower Back Pain With Hip And Knee Movement

If you two are in doggy position, your wife can stabilize her back by tilting her pelvis to where she is most comfortable. No other position offers that kind of control for the woman in keeping her spine in correct position. Also, once she has her spine aligned right, all she has to do is rock back and forth at a tempo she likes, and you like. The benefit of this position allows you to keep your spine straight but more importantly, no shoulder work at all. If she's on the bed, your knees are safe. If she's on the floor you have more control over your spine independent of what she is doing.

I have lumbar and cervical stenosis and a very weak right side. By being creative-not to mention determined to continue having kick ass sex, we have figured out a few go-to ways that are pain free. Of course I rarely feel the pain in the moment..it's afterward.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 06:08 PM
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Re: A Womans Perspective Please

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Originally Posted by Luvher4life View Post
I've found that while women can have that big O without it, they still get a craving for penetration. Penetration is much more intimate, and thus more fulfilling when combined with the O.
^^This. I know this is true for me. I love our foreplay, both giving and receiving but my favourite part of sex is when my husband is deep inside me...nothing else compares...
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 09:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: A Womans Perspective Please

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That's great that you want to make her sex live fuller by giving her orgasms. But what does she want? I could have dozens of screaming orgasms but without intercourse to finish it up it never feels finished. However, your wife may not fully understand the you get a lot out of watching her orgasm and you really like doing it.


Seems to me neither of you are HEARING the other. You're both talking but no one is listening.

Secondarily, there are many positions you and your wife can adapt to allow intercourse without pain. The best person to seek help on this is a physical therapist. Either you go or your wife goes, but if you hand the physical therapist the doctor's injury reports and diagnosis etc for both of you, the PT will be able to come up with work arounds. Whether it's pillows or even a swing (woohoo!) back pain doesn't HAVE to end your sex life.

Sex Positions For Back Pain: 'Doggy-Style' Can Alleviate Lower Back Pain With Hip And Knee Movement

If you two are in doggy position, your wife can stabilize her back by tilting her pelvis to where she is most comfortable. No other position offers that kind of control for the woman in keeping her spine in correct position. Also, once she has her spine aligned right, all she has to do is rock back and forth at a tempo she likes, and you like. The benefit of this position allows you to keep your spine straight but more importantly, no shoulder work at all. If she's on the bed, your knees are safe. If she's on the floor you have more control over your spine independent of what she is doing.

I have lumbar and cervical stenosis and a very weak right side. By being creative-not to mention determined to continue having kick ass sex, we have figured out a few go-to ways that are pain free. Of course I rarely feel the pain in the moment..it's afterward.

Yeah I get that, I get most of the pain during with some after and she gets some during with most after.

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Originally Posted by frusdil View Post
^^This. I know this is true for me. I love our foreplay, both giving and receiving but my favourite part of sex is when my husband is deep inside me...nothing else compares...
Oh I understand that and have told her so, but be completely honest if for whatever reason you can't have the deep inside you for that day and are really in the mood do you turn down the alternative way of achieving that bit "O"?

Also if it really turns your husband on to give it to you doesn't that count for something? I'm not sure I know how to explain it other than to say it's sort of an emotional orgasm for me using whatever implements do the trick toys, digits, tongue or her own hand which would be the wildest of all for both of us to make it happen for her over and over on a given evening. Then the cuddling up and being romantic till we fall asleep.

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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 11:15 PM
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Re: A Womans Perspective Please

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Oh I understand that and have told her so, but be completely honest if for whatever reason you can't have the deep inside you for that day and are really in the mood do you turn down the alternative way of achieving that bit "O"?

Also if it really turns your husband on to give it to you doesn't that count for something? I'm not sure I know how to explain it other than to say it's sort of an emotional orgasm for me using whatever implements do the trick toys, digits, tongue or her own hand which would be the wildest of all for both of us to make it happen for her over and over on a given evening. Then the cuddling up and being romantic till we fall asleep.
Oh hell no! I'd never turn an O, lol! And if on occasion my husband was too tired or unable to go that far, I would be more than happy. The problem would be if this became an every time thing...I wouldn't like that at all.
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 08:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: A Womans Perspective Please

Oh I agree there, I'm talking about the once in a while, crazy fun thing you do like eating whipped cream and caramel sauce off each other.
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-18-2017, 12:11 PM
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Re: A Womans Perspective Please

I'm confused at what the issue is. You want her to just relax and let you give her an O without intercourse and she doesn't want you too?

Does she orgasm with oral/manual stimulation?

Your saying she doesn't enjoy it as much because there is no intercourse?

Sorry I'm trying to follow but I don't understand.
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 06:51 AM
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Re: A Womans Perspective Please

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I'm confused at what the issue is. You want her to just relax and let you give her an O without intercourse and she doesn't want you too?

Does she orgasm with oral/manual stimulation?

Your saying she doesn't enjoy it as much because there is no intercourse?

Sorry I'm trying to follow but I don't understand.
He's saying that there are many times where he is simply not capable of having intercourse, thus he wants to give her orgasms through other means. She is not all that interested in standalone, non-PIV orgasms. He's wondering why.

I can understand where he's coming from (I think), in that I thoroughly enjoy giving my wife standalone orgasms without reciprocation or PIV. Just like there are (a few!) women out there who genuinely enjoy giving their partners BJ's.

However, my wife is simply not into that. Many women (and men) are 'all-or-nothing' types, and that's okay. To each their own. I've asked my wife, gently, why this is, and she says she feels some slight guilt that she's getting attention and I'm getting nothing. Doesn't matter that I tell her I occasionally LIKE this, she can't wrap her mind around it only being her receiving pleasure. Works in reverse, too - she won't give me standalone anything, either (well, extremely rarely, like ~5 times in 9 years).

That's just how some people are. Whether it's because they require intercourse to be properly satisfied, or they simply can't enjoy one-sided sexual attention - that's up to them. With my wife, I believe it's a little bit of both (but mainly the inequality part). IME, you can't change this.

She'll feel guilty and selfish if it's only her receiving attention. In turn, she'll project that upon me, and feel that I'm being selfish if I enjoy a standalone BJ.

Some of us, however, are capable of standalone sexual activity and are more than willing to give or receive at any particular time. Many aren't. TBH, it's a shame. Sexuality in a committed relationship should include all manner of giving and receiving. It's similar to giving gifts. If it's my wife's birthday, I give her a present (or 3..) and expect nothing in return. If I feel like buying her flowers, I give her flowers. She doesn't feel guilty that she didn't get ME something - it's her birthday, or I was thinking of her. But to some people, it's like christmas - you exchange gifts. You give one to your partner, you get one back, and there's no in-between.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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