Valentines Dinner threw back at me - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:11 PM Thread Starter
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Valentines Dinner threw back at me

As everyone knows yesterday was valentines. Husband and I have not gone out but maybe 4 times in our 32 years for this day. He made plans this year I went along not knowing where we were going.

It is an expensive place for us. I think his doing this has a lot to do with him going out of state for 3 days and not talking with me about his plans. He has to paid for the rental car, motel, only thing left is, food you get the picture.

Out meal was $45. So today we were discussing getting out taxes done he has been pressuring me. I got an appointment told him the cost then he says I only have X amount to take with me after what your dinner cost me.

It makes me feel just took the gesture and threw it in my face. He ate too. He is going for a sporting event not work or to see family. He is so insensitive. I didn't ask to go to this place I dodnt ask for anything this was him ass kissing.

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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:13 PM
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Re: Valentines Dinner threw back at me

How's the marriage? You two have a healthy sex life? Love kissing him?
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:15 PM
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Re: Valentines Dinner threw back at me

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As everyone knows yesterday was valentines. Husband and I have not gone out but maybe 4 times in our 32 years for this day. He made plans this year I went along not knowing where we were going.

It is an expensive place for us. I think his doing this has a lot to do with him going out of state for 3 days and not talking with me about his plans. He has to paid for the rental car, motel, only thing left is, food you get the picture.

Out meal was $45. So today we were discussing getting out taxes done he has been pressuring me. I got an appointment told him the cost then he says I only have X amount to take with me after what your dinner cost me.

It makes me feel just took the gesture and threw it in my face. He ate too. He is going for a sporting event not work or to see family. He is so insensitive. I didn't ask to go to this place I dodnt ask for anything this was him ass kissing.
Tell you one thing - MY husband wouldn't be saying that crap to ME. He'd be getting SOMETHING thrown right back in HIS face.
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:17 PM
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Re: Valentines Dinner threw back at me

be honest is there a lot of passive aggressive behavior between you two?
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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 03:28 PM Thread Starter
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This trip is all new nothing he has ever done before. A few years ago I would have done as the other and made a big fuss. It doesn't do any good to say anything because he never sees anything he does as insensative and if he does I am not permitted to have a feeling or emotion about it.

I have become resentful and I am aggravated but have to keep it hidden. Surpress everything as to not upset him. We can't have a conversation without him screaming or yelling. I shut down when he does this. I
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 04:38 PM
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Re: Valentines Dinner threw back at me

I'd like more info about your situation.

Do you have any kind of support system? Any family or friends who you can talk with?

Do you have a job or is he the only bread winner?

If you are going to stay with him you need to learn ways to let go of this stuff for your own mental health.

Just a short response to him would be good. Something like "That's rude." and just walk away. Go do something that makes you feel good.

What are you doing for yourself?
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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 05:54 PM Thread Starter
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I'd like more info about your situation.

Do you have any kind of support system? Any family or friends who you can talk with? No other than the counseling I attend but far and few between

Do you have a job or is he the only bread winner? I pay morgage, property insurance, the credit card he maxed out, life insurance, car insurance. I pay all the bills with the exception. He pays utilities and his cell phone.

If you are going to stay with him you need to learn ways to let go of this stuff for your own mental health. When I think I have let go of something there is another thing that he throws back at me.

Just a short response to him would be good. Something like "That's rude." and just walk away. Go do something that makes you feel good. It takes extra money and since he is going on trip all the extra I have put back he now can't pay his portion of the bill.

What are you doing for yourself?
I am doing the best I can to keep from losing it. I have a son that has started to deteriorate drastically with his health and focusing on him has consumed most of my time. I still do all the requirements as a wife, he has clean clothes, clean house, meals when he gets home, don't interest with his down time when he comes home.
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 05:55 PM
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Re: Valentines Dinner threw back at me

How old is your son?

It sounds like you are overwhelmed with a lot in your life.
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 10:01 AM Thread Starter
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My son is 31 he was in an accident at the age of 20 that changed his life forever and outs as well.

I just spoke up. I am getting sick, husband asked last night if we would be ok with him gone for 3 days I responded will have to be. Then this morning he was bragging that he was going out of state and he told them I didn't want to go. No one asked me was my response. Even if I do I can't son can't go not able so someone has to be responsible and we have animals to be fed no one to do that.

He started yelling he swears to God he asked me that is how he does. I told him no one asked me anything these plans were made without considering anyone but him and who is going.
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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 10:35 AM
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Re: Valentines Dinner threw back at me

I am 65 and have seen a lot of people marry. Most times my wife and I know them and wonder why in heck are they getting married. The guy is cheating on her during the engagement, he is an immature jerk, has no skills and will be living paycheck to paycheck, is cheap, puts his needs first, etc.. Women are prone to the same thing and sometime more. My cousin keeps marrying beta men and then resents them for being beta. One of the side effects of love is making you overlook your partners faults. Too many people settle for various reasons; want steady sex, do not want to get back into the dating pool, want a baby, think they can change their spouse after the marriage, etc..

People rarely change their basic character and do not see their partner as other people do. Marriages like yours rarely get better because adults really do not change and if they do, it may not be in the way you want. My advice is not to waste the best years of your life on him. You can do so much better.

I love to make my wife happy. First off, it is just as easy to marry a guy with a bright future as anyone else. Money, or lack of it, is one of the leading causes of divorce, especially when one spouse resents spending it on the other. People say sex and money are not that important in marriage but they are. Very important if you want to last. The way it goes is that you either accept your husband's behavior for the rest of your life or leave him. It is your life and your decision. Do not make major life choices based on advice from strangers who cannot possibly know your specific situation. In many cases the answer is obvious though. This is one of them. Therapy and all that stuff does not change the basic nature of a person. All it does is make them play a role for a while until they revert to their true selves. What you see is what you get. Live with it or leave it. Your choice, not mine.


Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 11:16 AM
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Re: Valentines Dinner threw back at me

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I have become resentful and I am aggravated but have to keep it hidden. Surpress everything as to not upset him. We can't have a conversation without him screaming or yelling. I shut down when he does this. I
Like Vinnydee said, you have to choose if this is the life you want. In my opinion, I think that a simple life with your son without the stress of living with another hot-headed jerk would be a much nicer way to enjoy the rest of your years.
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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 05:01 PM
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Re: Valentines Dinner threw back at me

Either speak up to him and refuse to accept this treatment, knowing full well it may mean divorce, or just accept it. If you don't want to be treated this way, only YOU have the power to stop it.
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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 07:31 AM
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Re: Valentines Dinner threw back at me

I feel like you're not looking for a solution to this. It feels more like you're so full from holding back that you needed to vent in order to feel better. He's probably not going to change even if you start speaking up. He seems like the type who will push back even harder if you push him by speaking up. You have to decide if that's something you can live with or if it's unbearable enough to go it alone.
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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 07:50 AM Thread Starter
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I sometimes do need to vent. I do not have access to someone that I can talk to about this. I have been seeing a therapist to help but the appointments are stretched so far out.

He drastically changed 2 years ago became a jerk. I do not like confrontation, but I also have feelings and emotions. He can be upset with a situation but if I become upset I am wrong.
He knows how to get around things because he starts telling and screaming if I mention anything or have a reaction and this upsets son so he is off the hook. I tried talking to him with no one around he refused and then when we are on our way to a doctor appointment with son in the car he decides he wants to rant.

Yes I do have to decide what I am going to do. I can't continue on much more like this.
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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 07:55 AM
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Re: Valentines Dinner threw back at me

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I sometimes do need to vent. I do not have access to someone that I can talk to about this. I have been seeing a therapist to help but the appointments are stretched so far out.

He drastically changed 2 years ago became a jerk. I do not like confrontation, but I also have feelings and emotions. He can be upset with a situation but if I become upset I am wrong.
He knows how to get around things because he starts telling and screaming if I mention anything or have a reaction and this upsets son so he is off the hook. I tried talking to him with no one around he refused and then when we are on our way to a doctor appointment with son in the car he decides he wants to rant.

Yes I do have to decide what I am going to do. I can't continue on much more like this.
I wonder what happened 2 years ago to make him become a jerk. Depression? Anxiety? NOT that people with those issues are jerks. Different people express their emotional turmoil in various ways.
Seems odd for him to be fine all this time then suddenly the switch flips.
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