Upset at husband of 32 years - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:03 AM Thread Starter
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Upset at husband of 32 years

I am venting again. My husband went on a 3 day trip with two other guys to a sporting event. He has never went away like this and neither have I but he wplould not be tolerable of me doing such a thing.

Yes I am frustrated that he went because he made these plans without even discussing it with me. It isn't that he went he NEVER talked about it with me, that is my issue.

We have a very sick son That has some serious medical problems, before he left I became sick, he offered to take me to the Dr before he left (grudgenly). I said I would be ok. This is after e gets me up to check to make sure all their tickets are in order find the address for the hotel.

He texted a few hours after he left to let me know they wet half way. Then to ask if I had taken any medicine. I responded that I had and was going to do the live stock feeding.

I never got another text from him to check on his son no calls after noon on Friday. I end up in the ER trying to do this with a pardon that is barely able to get to their appointments with assistance is difficult, even more so when sick.

I have turned it off but I see posts from one of the other guys GF that is pointing out what they are all doing. There is an 8 hour drive and they were at a Summit Racing this morning for about 2 hours.

Still here it is Sunday they have an 8 hour drive so there will not be making it back until around 10 after they stop for food, gas etc. So I see the other guy has been in contact with the GF.

I am upset at the situation and I am considering going to the store and getting new locks for the door before he gets here.

He said 2 nights before he left that he was going to miss me. I responded once you leave you we won't cross your mind.

I am trying to keep a level head but this is really hard. To know that another person cares so little about his ailing son let alone his wife.

I am hurt and he will say my feelings are not justified.

Am I looking at this wrong he should have checked on his son some time during these 3 days? His son kept asking if I had heard from his dad.

I am hurt mostly for my son. I do not feel like I matter to him. He says he doesn't want our marriage to be over but this is not a marriage.

Suggestions on handling the situation with him when he gets his selfish a**home. Yes I am angry.

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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 11:46 AM
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Re: Upset at husband of 32 years

Why is he getting to set your boundaries for how you feel?

How does he show his love? You expect him to be a kind, considerate, compassionate partner who shows love... can you accept what he isn't?

Put your anger in check... it's like setting yourself on fire to keep warm.

Write him a letter, with your own hand, why you are so disappointed.

Keep the "attack dogs" of frustration out of it.. begin each line with "When you.. I feel..."

Keep a double-line spacing so it doesn't become unclear...

Put it away for several hours and digest... what is just and what is unjust about what you've written?

Rewrite it again removing the unjust... there will be some, anger does that to us.

Rewriting allows us to revisit each word and hold ourselves accountable to them.

Then sit down with him in a safe environment... herbal tea for you because of how late, and tell him you need a date to share a frustration.

Make the date and hand him your letter, let him know you will be willing to talk more about it the next day and leave him with a calm front, which is possible because you have removed the fury. It doesn't have to be a smile, you are hurting... but you are calm.

Just breathe... disappointments don't last forever when we have means to recognize them and a clear goal (our boundaries) for what we will accept.
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 12:32 PM Thread Starter
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I have been sitting here trying to think of things he does to show me love. Ther is nothing I can think of nothing that doesn't come with an alterior motive. Nothing that is just for love alone.

He can be kind, considetate, compassionate but only if and when he wants something out of it Or as a smoke screen.

I will keep thinking.

As far as sitting him down and talking with him, it doesn't work he starts screaming yelling there is no conversation.
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 01:19 PM
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Re: Upset at husband of 32 years

Anger does that... it places blinders on us while it holds the reins, keeps us focused on the unmindful.

Forget for a moment what you see is right and wrong... think about what is important.

Ok, he screams and yells... creates quite a reaction I'll bet.

Take away the power with action instead of reaction.

"Husband, when we lock horns like this we are showing each other a level of disrespect that I will not longer be party to. If you care to take this down a level, I will happily have a conversation with you about how we can recognize another's feelings and disappointments. If you are not willing to, then my boundary ends here as I will not treat you nor allow myself to be treated in such a hurtful way".

So if you cannot think of ways he shows his love, think about your boundaries when he doesn't.

After so many years, he has been allowed to behave poorly and use that behavior with you... boundaries are how we begin the end of such.

I know... gee whiz EB, another list and now boundaries?

Once you begin this journey, you may be surprised how easily the thoughts flow because doors open we have the right key in our hands, but it's an awfully big keyring to sort through at the beginning as you are understanding... patience will help you learn which key works and which one doesn't.

My example above is framed to help you with an idea of how to craft your first boundary... and an insight to how we are responsible for our own happiness and to stop saying yes to those who don't support that happiness and well-being.

Peace be with you...
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-19-2017, 01:22 PM
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Re: Upset at husband of 32 years

Are you absolutely sure that this trip is what you've been told it is? That is the first thing to check before deciding how to deal with this.

Your characterization of him as only being kind to you when he wants something is disturbing - and it true, why remain in such an empty relationship? While he certainly has the right to do things on his own with friends, he also should have consideration for you and consult with you about it. You may not dissuade him from going, but you have the right to know his plans, since they are not part of the usual routine.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 06:32 AM Thread Starter
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Yes the was what he was going to.
Emerging Buddhist I have to say I really like the locking of horns message.

He arrived home and when he asked if I was feeling better I responded I am now. My son told him I had to go to the ER he got mad that I went and wanted to know what day I went. I don't know what that matters.

All he could do was whine about how his legs were hurting and cramping. I had no pity for him.

It was all about him who he sat and talked to for the longest time. About how much money he HAD to spend. I wasn't interested in it. He couldn't talk about any thing before hand I don't want to hear about It now.

When he would talk I didn't ask questions, I didn't ask Or try to get him to give more details. I know partly if I do the anger will come out.

But he says I don't want to have anything to do with him. I don't I don't feel I owe him the courtsey because he doesn't give me any.
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 06:55 AM
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Re: Upset at husband of 32 years

You have been married 32 years, and this is the first away trip your husband has ever taken? No offense meant, but think you're over reacting. I understand you being upset that he didn't discuss it with you, but maybe he didn't because he knew you'd say no. 32 years is a long time to be together and neither spouse has ever taken a trip away from the other. That doesn't seem healthy to me.

I get why you're upset, but sounds like there are other issues you're upset about and this is just adding to them.

Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 06:55 AM
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Re: Upset at husband of 32 years

I hear and understand your valid frustrations.

I wanted to comment on something else. If in 32 years, neither of you have taken a "girls weekend" or "guys weekend" to decompress from caring for a sick child, that may be part of the problem here. With a sick child, one parent is pretty much required to be there for their care always. In a situation like this, it would be very smart for each of you to trade off occasionally, had have a little break, some time away from the constant stress, worry, and responsibilities of caring for an ill child. We all need to recharge our batteries.

So, husband has set a precedent for change now. Immediately start planning your three days away with girlfriends, family, or a spa weekend on your own for peace and quiet. Don't do the things he did that were so inconsiderate. Give him the dates ahead of time. Check in with them while you are gone, ask how they are etc.

Spin this another way in your mind. Now YOU can get a break.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 07:32 AM
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Re: Upset at husband of 32 years

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
You have been married 32 years, and this is the first away trip your husband has ever taken? No offense meant, but think you're over reacting. I understand you being upset that he didn't discuss it with you, but maybe he didn't because he knew you'd say no. 32 years is a long time to be together and neither spouse has ever taken a trip away from the other. That doesn't seem healthy to me.

I get why you're upset, but sounds like there are other issues you're upset about and this is just adding to them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spicy View Post
I hear and understand your valid frustrations.

I wanted to comment on something else. If in 32 years, neither of you have taken a "girls weekend" or "guys weekend" to decompress from caring for a sick child, that may be part of the problem here. With a sick child, one parent is pretty much required to be there for their care always. In a situation like this, it would be very smart for each of you to trade off occasionally, had have a little break, some time away from the constant stress, worry, and responsibilities of caring for an ill child. We all need to recharge our batteries.

So, husband has set a precedent for change now. Immediately start planning your three days away with girlfriends, family, or a spa weekend on your own for peace and quiet. Don't do the things he did that were so inconsiderate. Give him the dates ahead of time. Check in with them while you are gone, ask how they are etc.

Spin this another way in your mind. Now YOU can get a break.
Suspect, Getting some time away from the spouse is healthy. It's good for the relationship. Absence makes the heart grow fonder! Perhaps he should have talked to you about it first before fully committing to it, but try to be open to some time away. And, yes, now it's your turn! So, round up some girlfriends and have a weekend out. NO HUSBANDS/BOYFRIENDS ALLOWED!

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 07:35 AM Thread Starter
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You know it is easy to say to make plans of your own if you have a spouse that is willing to take on the other responsibilities. I have to save for months to get a hair cut. He doesn't share any extra income with me for needs or wants.
There is no trade off. He will not be saddled with the responsibility. I have asked for him to sit with the son so I could visit with a sick family member and he couldn't do it He always has things to do. Never was when the kids were younger could I leave and even get groceries and let the kids sit with him.

The point of frustration is
He made plans without discussing them with me. Also it took quite a bit of money that we don't have to spare so the only two bills he covers for the month are my responsibility.

He knew I was sick before he left I didn't wake up the morning of him leaving I got sick on Wednesday. I didn't ask him not to go I didn't tell him not to go

He couldn't even call text Nothing in 3 days to check on either of us.

It wasn't the point of him going it is how he has handled it and his behavior about it.

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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:04 AM
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Re: Upset at husband of 32 years

So if you plan ahead and leave, he would abandon your Son?

Sometimes we see these actions (it happened in my own caregiving situation) and are sure the other person won't pull the weight because they never do. They are selfish, self absorbed, which is exactly the way your husband sounds. I felt that way. But I did exactly what I described above. I let them know ahead of time, and then I left. Guess what? She got taken care of. And when I got home, boy did I see a difference. They were finally forced to see how hard it was and started to help me after that. If I hadn't up and left, nothing would have ever changed.

I discovered that if I did everything because they weren't helping, it all got done, but I was frustrated at no help and angry at them for doing nothing. Leaving actually FORCES it to happen, and you 100% sound like you need to force this.

Borrow the money, put it on a credit card, or leave a bill or two for HIM to pay because of your weekend getaway. You aren't receiveing fairness. Time to create some yourself.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Suspect View Post
You know it is easy to say to make plans of your own if you have a spouse that is willing to take on the other responsibilities. I have to save for months to get a hair cut. He doesn't share any extra income with me for needs or wants.
There is no trade off. He will not be saddled with the responsibility. I have asked for him to sit with the son so I could visit with a sick family member and he couldn't do it He always has things to do. Never was when the kids were younger could I leave and even get groceries and let the kids sit with him.

The point of frustration is
He made plans without discussing them with me. Also it took quite a bit of money that we don't have to spare so the only two bills he covers for the month are my responsibility.

He knew I was sick before he left I didn't wake up the morning of him leaving I got sick on Wednesday. I didn't ask him not to go I didn't tell him not to go

He couldn't even call text Nothing in 3 days to check on either of us.

It wasn't the point of him going it is how he has handled it and his behavior about it.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:21 AM Thread Starter
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MY credit card is out of question because he maxed it out and doesn't pay back what he used.

That is just it he will let bills go and not pay them. If he doesn't want to he doesn't. The two bills he has one is always late the other is taken care of because it is his cell phone his life support.

One of the reasons I can't leave son here to take time is because husband Has an attitude towards him. I have to be mediator between the 2 if them. Son has the mentality of 9 year old. But he does see a difference his dad makes with him and his younger brother. The younger brother is an aggitator and will get ailing son upset and thinks it is funny. And his dad goes does nothing about it. I have even mentioned when son is having a bad day that the younger one could come by the following day. But nope dad and him have to have to do this.

The youngest is married moved out him and his wife do not have to come by daily for their meals and he wants a huge Sunday meal. No one does anything to help bring a dish nothing. I set my foot down and said I was not being used like this 7 days a week they are married time for them to grow up.

Now he says YOU ARE THE REASON I CANT HAVE SUNDAY MEALS WITH HIM. No I'm not you can get in there and fix it I'm just not doing it. So I still get it thrown back and we have to wait until this son is ready to eat can't do it without him.

Yes he is selfish self absorbed and I am just about to my wits end.

I had asked him to help me get son to 2 doctor appointments they were both on same day. This was because I cracked ribs and pulled muscles getting him in and out. He can't miss work for that.

If I could hire someone to sit with son even while I went to the ER I would. I was lucky there was a nurse that helped me while I was there and looked after him while I had xrays.
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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:29 AM
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Re: Upset at husband of 32 years

Ok then. You sound certain he is never going to change.
So the question that remains is, what are you going to do?
No one here on an Internet forum can help you. You have answers to decline all of our suggestions.

So you are going to have to either:

A. Accept your circumstances, and live with it
B. Change your circumstances

I realize it isn't as cut and dry like that, but really, what are the other choices?

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: Upset at husband of 32 years

I agree with most @Spicy, except the debt part...

This is all about destructive control @Suspect, and that your husband controls so much of your finances is hurtful to you and your son.

It always saddens me to see someone so out of love with themselves as you husband is... but the ripple effect is even more so because it consumes caring people around them with that destruction of self.

Perhaps it time to start preparing for a mindful collection of the things that you can have an immediate impact on, such as preparing yourself for taking back some control fiscally.

Place a transaction hold on the credit card he spends against (or any other accessible debt in your names), take a card out in your name only (and for emergency use only), then look toward debt consolidation to reduce your monthly expenses and drop the card and debt completely in both your names once that takes effect.

Shuffle the money you save into a separate savings account in your name only as an emergency fund.... and you get to declare the emergency, no one else.

I don't know your State and don't need to unless you care to share, but I would say with your debt ratio under a responsible control would place you into a financial area that you could look to what State social services are available for your son, even as an adult. I live in a medium-sized town and know of programs that take special needs adults and work with them to build their confidence, allow them to build nurturing friendships with others, and allow compassionate oversight allowing parents (often now more upper middle-aged and elderly (50's -70's) the breaks they need. These are one of the social services I happily pay taxes for.

This isn't a handout for you, this is a hand-up for a very stressful situation life has presented you and you deserve help, it's what compassionate people do.

This may take months to align once the process starts, but to not take a first step forward will be guaranteed to leave you stuck in this mud-hole in the middle of your path.

If this is not possible, let's brainstorm why together... but the choice in why or why not fall to your actions, and not your reactions in dealing with many things in the way of the happiness you seek.
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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 11:05 AM Thread Starter
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I have been reading and thinking about all the posts and realizing in my answers that this was the straw the final straw that pushed me in a different direction.

I am very serously considering telling him I want a separation. It isn't like I need him I do everything, I just need him to be a man and be there for his son and not be a prick to him.

I am a convenience by paying the bills so he can have money. Convenent for him to take care of his needs, convenient when it comes to being his accountant for his business.

The rest of the time a nucence to him. He won't have all that extra money to spend on what he wants when he has to pay all the bills.
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