Persistence - Talk About Marriage
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  • 1 Post By BioFury
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 09:17 PM Thread Starter
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Persistence

Hey ladies, I have a question.

I've been talking with a number of women on some dating sites. There are a couple that I'm especially interested in, but they're not exactly forth-coming. I'm a very persistent person, so when I get sight of something I want, I keep after it. But, in my dating life, I've done my best to reign that in, and just abandon women who don't reciprocate my efforts. Because I naturally assumed that they just weren't interested.

But, this day and age, women are getting flirted with/messaged every five seconds, and understandably get standoffish, and somewhat jaded. With a few of the women, my persistent side will get the best of me, I'll write them again, and they'll apologize and resume the conversation. Or, I'll be talking to another guy and he'll tell me that his wife wouldn't give him the time of day at first, but he kept on, and eventually she relented, now they're married, etc.

So, I'm not sure what the happy medium is. When does persistence cross the line into harassment? How am I suppose to tell the difference between active disinterest, and them just ignoring me because it's the auto-play "no thank you" attitude/response?

And finally, when dealing with a standoffish woman, what insider tips would you give for chipping away at her defenses?


As a mother, I eat stress for breakfast. - Megan Conley

I don't trust words. I even question actions. But I hardly ever doubt patterns.

Last edited by BioFury; 03-01-2017 at 10:28 PM.
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 10:08 PM
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Re: Persistence

The type of "no" can be a good indication.

"I'd love to go out, but I'm really busy this week". probably allows another invitation.

"I'm really busy, but maybe someday" Means no second invitation, but OK to end the conversation with a "OK, if you are free some time let me know" which gives her the option to respond if she wants (unlikely).

The first rejected but with a specific reason with a specific timeout. So a request next week is OK. The second rejected politely but didn't give an expiration time.


It also depends on the situation. At the workplace you need to be very careful about asking at all, and asking twice is never OK. In some social settings it may be OK to ask several times.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 07:38 AM
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Re: Persistence

I did online dating for a year. Keeping up with it was a full-time job. I met my live-in boyfriend of 5 years online. There are some good ones out there. But it takes a lot of time and effort and patience.

Trust me. If a woman is interested, she will continue communication with you. And if she fades in and out, she's playing games and putting you on the back burner lest she find someone better. You don't want this type of woman anyway.

I would say that if she Fades away, and the communication stops, Let It Go. Move on to the next.
I wish you the best of luck! I had a lot of fun with it but it can be a harried experience.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:02 AM
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Cool Re: Persistence

As far as Ol' Arb is concerned, an invitation tendered for a date or a pre-date meeting, that is summarily met with either an answer of "No," or "Maybe some other time," is fastly and irrevocably retrieved on a standpoint of permanence!

Let's just say that this old fart is just not very well suited for the fine art of "playing mind games!"

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 03-02-2017 at 08:09 AM. Reason: Edification
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:54 AM
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Re: Persistence

Personally (and others likely disagree with me), I think it's more important when a woman shows signs of chasing you, rather than the other way around. If she's not showing initial interest, "chipping away" at her is going to always make you the persuer. She'll remember that years down the line if or when things don't end up so peachy. The foremost and personal favorite complaint I hear from women who were persued is that they regret "settling." It makes me wince on behalf of the guy every time.

Better to find a woman fascinated with you as you are, than you working to prove yourself and jumping through hoops. Women's suspicions are not your fault, nor your job to curb. It's theirs.

I had my initial reservations about my husband, but undeniably I was and still am fascinated by him. I fully believe I love him more deeply than he does me (this isn't a bad thing at all, I'm just more emotional and intense in my expressions of love). I also believe that this deeper love for him is an essential glue that any relationship projected as lasting/long term, should have.

JMO.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Persistence

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
Personally (and others likely disagree with me), I think it's more important when a woman shows signs of chasing you, rather than the other way around. If she's not showing initial interest, "chipping away" at her is going to always make you the persuer. She'll remember that years down the line if or when things don't end up so peachy. The foremost and personal favorite complaint I hear from women who were persued is that they regret "settling." It makes me wince on behalf of the guy every time.

Better to find a woman fascinated with you as you are, than you working to prove yourself and jumping through hoops. Women's suspicions are not your fault, nor your job to curb. It's theirs.

I had my initial reservations about my husband, but undeniably I was and still am fascinated by him. I fully believe I love him more deeply than he does me (this isn't a bad thing at all, I'm just more emotional and intense in my expressions of love). I also believe that this deeper love for him is an essential glue that any relationship projected as lasting/long term, should have.

JMO.
I actually prefer to be pursued and won. For me, it would be "settling" if I'd have married a man who didn't persistently pursue me with my encouragement.

Due to differences in upbringing, lifestyle, and my general situation at the time, I had reservations about my DH, too, although I already loved him deeply. His persistence made me feel secure, which helped overcome my reservations.

Off the top of my head, OP, I'd say you be you. If your nature is to be persistent, be persistent. Just know to stop when a woman blocks you or requests you bug off.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:26 AM
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Re: Persistence

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
I actually prefer to be pursued and won. For me, it would be "settling" if I'd have married a man who didn't persistently pursue me with my encouragement.
I think the bolded is the key. I would have no issues pursuing, but there has to be some sort of reciprocation (whether it be encouragement or other signs given). I think it does become a fine line though between encouraging someone to pursue and playing games.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 09:36 AM
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Re: Persistence

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
I actually prefer to be pursued and won. For me, it would be "settling" if I'd have married a man who didn't persistently pursue me with my encouragement.

Due to differences in upbringing, lifestyle, and my general situation at the time, I had reservations about my DH, too, although I already loved him deeply. His persistence made me feel secure, which helped overcome my reservations.

Off the top of my head, OP, I'd say you be you. If your nature is to be persistent, be persistent. Just know to stop when a woman blocks you or requests you bug off.
Good points, @MJJEAN!

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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