Originally Posted by Lifeiscomplicated View Post
What I found bizarre is that none of my past partners or husband have ever really queried why I can't or didn't O with them or that I have to masturbate in front of them for it to happen. They just accepted that is how I am and never really helped me (certainly not long term or consistently) with finding a solution.
I find this comment interesting. I'll share with you how that comes across from the male perspective. I grew up receiving most of my sexual education from watching porn when I was young. Then when I became sexually active it became obvious that everything I watched in porn was faked and that in real life that the female sexual response seemed to be all about foreplay and that the actual sex part was just for us guys. Combine this with reading about sexuality to discover that most women do not orgasm via standard missionary-position intercourse, and for a guy it is a rather sad awaking to the realities of sex with a real woman.
I remember in college feeling heartbroken and hopeless that I would never likely find a partner that I could "share" a meaningful sexual experience with as opposed to engaging in a precarious negotiation of sexual game of give and take. I almost came to accept that this is just how it would be. Until I met my wife and that relationship redefined everything for me.
I can't help but wonder how many of your sexual partners had similar experiences and actually came to accept that for the most part that women just do not enjoy sex the same way as men, or as portrayed in porn films. If that is the case it would not be unusual for some men to just "give up" on the idea that their female partners would be able to enjoy sex the same.
As I am writing this, you should not feel self conscious regarding the fact that orgasms are in anyway difficult for you, but instead be vigilant in communicating to your partners that it is very important for them to help you continue to try exploring new ways until you find something that helps. Otherwise most men likely just "don't get it" that you desire something more.
Some women from what I have read actually say it is important for each partner to be responsible for their own orgasms. Regardless of if you do it yourself or if you need to ask for something in particular, you should not assume that your partner will just naturally know what to do and motivated to do so.
In the meantime experimenting with different creams and/or lubes seems like a very healthy exploration.
A tip regarding your SA and wondering how that impacts you, you should pay close attention to how well you feel like you actually trust your partner. Do you feel like he will be capable or do you tend to assume he will not know what to do and just take matters into your own hands. If you do this, there is an aspect you may wish to work on for being able to give up control and feeling a connection that your partner sincerely enjoys caring for you and helping you enjoy the pleasure of him doing so.