Will I ever feel "together" - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
The Ladies' Lounge Sharing and support.

User Tag List

 16Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 02:38 AM
Registered User
 
lorikeet25's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 26
Re: Will I ever feel "together"

I am 44 and feel very much the same. My classroom is extremely organized because if it isn't I get distracted.
I cannot stop something once I start, and have several other quirky traits that I try to keep to myself.
I am good at what I do, but appearing to have it all together requires strict adherence to my routine. Changes in routine create chaos. I don't particularly mind chaos, but I know it is not productive.
In any case, it gets easier, but that feeling that everyone is about to discover you are not as polished as they think, never goes away.

lorikeet25 is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:07 AM
Member
 
Blondilocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: SoCal
Posts: 3,677
Re: Will I ever feel "together"

Accept your ADHD and roll with it. Learn to laugh about it. My cousin is manic/depressive and learned to take it in stride. She was a nurse, also, and it took her a while to come to grips with it. Life will be so much easier if you just let it happen.
Blondilocks is offline  
post #18 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:56 AM
Member
 
tropicalbeachiwish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: La La Land
Posts: 1,551
Re: Will I ever feel "together"

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
When I was younger, I use to look at 30 year olds and think they were adults, mature, accomplished and put together. Now that I'm here... I don't feel like this at all. I don't feel how I thought they looked when I was younger if that makes sense.
I don't FEEL together all the time if that makes sense. I am always thinking about what I have to do, what I should be doing, my to-do-list never gets shorter.
My question is for the women... will I ever feel put together? I can't tell if this is normal, or if it's just me. I know that people say your never going to feel ready (to do whatever the next move is), and for me this is how I feel.
I'm not sure if I'm making sense or not.
First thing-Good luck with your boards! You'll do great!

I think I can understand how you feel. I think it's different for everyone. However I've always felt like I am always "growing up". I'm 41 and don't feel like a true adult, but yet I know that I am. I feel like I'm just faking it. I'm not sure how to explain it. Many times, I would love to not be an ADULT and say **** it! That's not truly who I am though. I'm responsible and don't enjoy uncertainty in my life. I look at someone who is 50 years old and think "now, they're an adult". It's too easy to look at others and want their life even though you don't know what their TRUE life is like. Many are very good at presenting a front. Maybe we want it because it's different from ours; it's not ours.

Gradually, I think I've started to accept who I am and this life that I have. Gradually.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
tropicalbeachiwish is offline  
 
post #19 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:23 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,353
Will I ever feel "together"

@katiecrna do you have any coaches to help you out?

Your executive function is probably overloaded.

My Ds18 is in a top engineering school and is on max dosage of concerta. He has an academic coach and another ADHD coach he sees weekly. The school has been great for him but we had huge concerns as you can imagine.

The ADHD coach goes over his weeks plans and helps with planning, probably some prodding, and serves as a sounding board.

I honestly believe this is a lifetime requirement. He sees WAY more than most and therefore has too much to process. We routinely discard probably 50-80% of what you see and can not discard (my random estimate)

As you know many ADHD sufferers self medicate - I suppose it helps limit the input.

So I strongly urge you to seek weekly help to keep you in track and allow you to release some of the burden of trying to hold it all together. I don't think it's possible because you are attempting to hold way more than most.

As an aside, please realize that what you see is an illusion around you. People live the way they do and drive what they drive to create the appearance of being together. You will rarely find "true" people since you are around higher income people who value those appearances. I live in a similar area. People don't know what to make of us though - we have the means but not the values to "show" it - we're not poor but why would I drive a 17 year old sedan? It doesn't compute for this group (a: because I don't value wasting my capital on something to transport me 1 mile to the train)

So please try to turn off those "external wavelengths" that cause you to judge yourself and your relationship by other people's standards. It's not worth it.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
TheTruthHurts is offline  
post #20 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:06 AM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,359
Re: Will I ever feel "together"

What does "feeling together" mean to you? If it's a list of achievements, then you'll never feel together, because there is always sometime else that will need doing to that you'll want.

The only "together" that matters is that you are happy with who you are and the path you are on. Notice I said path, not destination - there will always be another destination. Your path should reflect your values and personal goals, whether or not you manage to actually achieve those goals.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is online now  
post #21 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:34 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
katiecrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,359
Re: Will I ever feel "together"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
What does "feeling together" mean to you? If it's a list of achievements, then you'll never feel together, because there is always sometime else that will need doing to that you'll want.



The only "together" that matters is that you are happy with who you are and the path you are on. Notice I said path, not destination - there will always be another destination. Your path should reflect your values and personal goals, whether or not you manage to actually achieve those goals.


For me, it's not a list of achievements, although I think people see this and think she has it together.

I just want to FEEL together. And I know that means working on peace within myself. Peace of the spirit I guess. A well organized, clean, simple, controlled life makes me feel at peace.
katiecrna is offline  
post #22 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:42 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
katiecrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,359
Re: Will I ever feel "together"

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
@katiecrna do you have any coaches to help you out?

Your executive function is probably overloaded.

My Ds18 is in a top engineering school and is on max dosage of concerta. He has an academic coach and another ADHD coach he sees weekly. The school has been great for him but we had huge concerns as you can imagine.

The ADHD coach goes over his weeks plans and helps with planning, probably some prodding, and serves as a sounding board.

I honestly believe this is a lifetime requirement. He sees WAY more than most and therefore has too much to process. We routinely discard probably 50-80% of what you see and can not discard (my random estimate)

As you know many ADHD sufferers self medicate - I suppose it helps limit the input.

So I strongly urge you to seek weekly help to keep you in track and allow you to release some of the burden of trying to hold it all together. I don't think it's possible because you are attempting to hold way more than most.

As an aside, please realize that what you see is an illusion around you. People live the way they do and drive what they drive to create the appearance of being together. You will rarely find "true" people since you are around higher income people who value those appearances. I live in a similar area. People don't know what to make of us though - we have the means but not the values to "show" it - we're not poor but why would I drive a 17 year old sedan? It doesn't compute for this group (a: because I don't value wasting my capital on something to transport me 1 mile to the train)

So please try to turn off those "external wavelengths" that cause you to judge yourself and your relationship by other people's standards. It's not worth it.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thanks for this post. I feel like you understand to a certain extent what it's like. And the hyper stimulus is everything and not many people get this point. That's why things always have to be simple, organized, clean and I need to FEEL in control.
I too am on medication.
My goal has always been to wean myself off because I know they aren't good for me. I don't know if you talk to your son about this but... when I'm on my medication I feel like the hyperstimulation is still there, but I have more control and I can choose to focus and I can choose to do what I want. When I'm off my medication I feel like I have a lack of control, like what I want to do I am unable to. Like I want to read this book... but I just can't because I can't choose to ignore the distractions. It's hard to explain I guess. And it's difficult to talk about because many outsiders just see us as lazy and I get that.

I don't have a coach. I never have. That's something I will look into once the dust settles.
katiecrna is offline  
post #23 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:42 AM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,359
Re: Will I ever feel "together"

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I just want to FEEL together. And I know that means working on peace within myself. Peace of the spirit I guess. A well organized, clean, simple, controlled life makes me feel at peace.
I think mindfulness meditation can help with that. It sustained me through my poor first marriage and divorce, and keeps me focused on what truly matters to me in my current life and relationship.
At least it helps me notice when I'm affected in some negative way (by external or internal events) that is contrary to that goal of peace and happiness, so I can deal with the distraction before it becomes a real problem.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is online now  
post #24 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 01:09 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,353
Re: Will I ever feel "together"

@katiecrna I get it. My son enjoys not being on his medication some weekends and then he can indulge his crazy

He is fun and energetic and outgoing... but it can quickly get annoying for others which, as a parent, we hate to see. I think he can control his obsessions to some degree but has too much fun letting it all out.

As a kid he really doesn't have the responsibilities you do so isn't as interested in being in control.

He does not drink any alcohol so it doesn't interfere with his meds - he knows of a few kids a year or two older with ADHD who had to come home from college - very bright but unmedicated and therefore unable to stay on task.

Don't wait for any dust to settle before looking into a coach. It never settles! That's the whole point of this thread!

Btw we also hoped to wean him off meds but looking at his success on meds and the very hard lives of those who are unmedicated.... we'll stick with the devil we know.

Your ADHD also makes me wonder about your relationship. That's an area we have concerns about for our son. Girls love him and he's trim,muscular, smart, musical.. but the ADHD requires a really patient person who is willing to understand. In your case, given your H's work stress and your ADHD I hate to say it but please realize you might be adding to his stress when he gets home. A person with your condition can make real demands on time and patience -and never really realize it. So please reflect and maybe cut him more slack than you might otherwise want to be because he's probably accommodating you in ways you aren't aware. Hope that wasn't too offensive


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
TheTruthHurts is offline  
post #25 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:41 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
katiecrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,359
Re: Will I ever feel "together"

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
@katiecrna

Your ADHD also makes me wonder about your relationship. That's an area we have concerns about for our son. Girls love him and he's trim,muscular, smart, musical.. but the ADHD requires a really patient person who is willing to understand. In your case, given your H's work stress and your ADHD I hate to say it but please realize you might be adding to his stress when he gets home. A person with your condition can make real demands on time and patience -and never really realize it. So please reflect and maybe cut him more slack than you might otherwise want to be because he's probably accommodating you in ways you aren't aware. Hope that wasn't too offensive


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


YES! I am very well educated on my ADHD, and also understand how frustrating it is for someone to be married to us. Luckily my husband has been with me through high school. He's seen me on meds, off meds, together, a mess etc. He actually prefers me off my medication because he likes my personality better, I'm silly and I"m more fun. And the thing about our relationship... this might sound bad but it's the truth... he puts up with me, my moods, my crazy highs and lows, my weird obsessions. But I would not say he is very sensitive, and accommodating. He is like... this is just who you are, it is what it is. So although he never gets mad or shows frustration at the same time he isn't like... helping me. It's hard to explain. He is the opposite of me, and to be honest he's kind of detached and unemotional. Which has its pluses and negatives. He puts up with me, but there is a disconnect. My husband is a freak, super human, genius , athlete, no emotions, doesn't complain, doesn't express need. His mother and brother have both told me that he is very hard to connect with. He may not feel connected to me( or anyone), but I am super emotional I can feel connected to a plant, so I'm probably good for him in that sense, that I bring that to the table.

I also think that he has his own set of issues (passive aggressive personality) that makes it hard and frustrating for me. Honestly, I can't believe we have made it this far, my ADHD, his PA, his 6 year residency, my masters. Kinda crazy.

katiecrna is offline  
post #26 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:27 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Haiku's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 3,339
Re: Will I ever feel "together"

I really apologize for weighing in as you're understandably seeking a woman's perspective.

All my life I've sought peace in my mind and heart. Externally I projected it, so I was also told, but internally, nope.

Maybe it was the busyness of the day, goals, neglecting certain things, or the expectations I felt made calmness unattainable.

Today I feel adjusted and content in life and I'm not exactly sure why. I have a few clues but it's probably unique to me.

Anyway, I only wanted to say that I feel a sharp pang in my heart when I read stories like you're describing. I wish I had the power to remove it or the gift of a poet to give encouragement. All I can do is wish you well on the journey and say I understand.

.........><)))#">
Haiku is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
What's going on? Kukabura Coping with Infidelity 303 03-16-2017 10:48 PM
Feel like it's all crumbling around me. falconbridge Considering Divorce or Separation 69 03-04-2017 02:36 PM
Why do I feel guilty for wanting out? Hou0506 Considering Divorce or Separation 5 06-29-2016 12:55 PM
I feel so distant from my wife, scared for what's next... ptomczyk11 General Relationship Discussion 7 06-19-2016 04:36 AM
I feel like i ran him off andI am really depressed. I just need to vent Maddy7 General Relationship Discussion 33 01-11-2016 11:02 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome