Will I ever feel "together" - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:32 PM Thread Starter
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Will I ever feel "together"

When I was younger, I use to look at 30 year olds and think they were adults, mature, accomplished and put together. Now that I'm here... I don't feel like this at all. I don't feel how I thought they looked when I was younger if that makes sense.
I don't FEEL together all the time if that makes sense. I am always thinking about what I have to do, what I should be doing, my to-do-list never gets shorter.
My question is for the women... will I ever feel put together? I can't tell if this is normal, or if it's just me. I know that people say your never going to feel ready (to do whatever the next move is), and for me this is how I feel.
I'm not sure if I'm making sense or not.

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post #2 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Will I ever feel "together"

I see 30 year olds and they have husbands and kids and they look "together". And I see other 30 year olds that are single, still without careers, still living like they are 20.

I don't really know where I am getting at except... how I want to be, and who I want to be... I'm not and I'm having a hard time dealing with that. And I'm just wondering if this is normal? Is this will go away? If this is just 1/3life crisis or what. Any women have any thoughts or Input.
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post #3 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:42 PM
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Re: Will I ever feel "together"

What you are feeling is pretty normal in that a person is a work in progress, which means thinking of where we are, where we want to be and how to get there is part of the human experience.

Do you question yourself every waking moment? Or are there times when your at peace?
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post #4 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:42 PM
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Re: Will I ever feel "together"

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I see 30 year olds and they have husbands and kids and they look "together". And I see other 30 year olds that are single, still without careers, still living like they are 20.

I don't really know where I am getting at except... how I want to be, and who I want to be... I'm not and I'm having a hard time dealing with that. And I'm just wondering if this is normal? Is this will go away? If this is just 1/3life crisis or what. Any women have any thoughts or Input.
Who do you want to be? And why are you not like that?
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post #5 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:46 PM
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Re: Will I ever feel "together"

When you get to 80, 30 and 40 and 50 and even 60 will look so good. I hope it's ok for a man to answer. The best you can do is live in the "now" which is the only real place that there is. It means that a person must develop an awareness of what is happening around them. Rather than focus on the past or the future focus on creating the life you want right this very moment. If it hurts walk away from it, if is pleases you walk towards it.

Make yourself the person everyone wants to be near with all of your actions in all of the moments your awareness comes to the front of your consciousness.

All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first, the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms.
Then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress’ eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honor, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon’s mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slippered pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
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post #6 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Will I ever feel "together"

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What you are feeling is pretty normal in that a person is a work in progress, which means thinking of where we are, where we want to be and how to get there is part of the human experience.



Do you question yourself every waking moment? Or are there times when your at peace?


So I'm going to try to explain one of my problems... most people maintain a certain baseline. This is how my husband is, straight as a arrow, not big highs not big lows. But and I don't want this to sound like an excuse, but I have ADHD. So this is how it's been my entire life... I'm doing good for a while, my life is completely together and I'm organized and on point. You can tell when I'm like this because my house is OCD clean, I have a routine, and I'm good. But this doesn't last long before it all comes crashing down. And right now I'm down (which is probably Bc I'm stressed out Bc I'm taking my boards in 2 days). But when I'm not doing good... my whole life crumbles. Right now my house is a mess, papers everywhere, no food In the house, I haven't combed my hair in like 5 days. I literally get up, shower, put scrubs on and study and ignore the world.

So even my husband says... I have to be a crazy organized control freak, and if I'm not then things come crumbling down. And I know this is an ADHD thing... we need to adhere to a strict routine to optimize our function.

So I guess I'm just feeling like... is this going to be my life forever? Am I ever going to be stable and constant?
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post #7 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Will I ever feel "together"

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Who do you want to be? And why are you not like that?


I want to be a confident, successful women. Who wakes up and functions like a normal person. Who wakes up, gets dressed up, and goes out and functions normally. Who has friends, and hobbies and has a clean house, who plans ahead and cooks.
Basically I want to be more normal and rational vs emotionally driven if that makes sense.
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post #8 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 03:59 PM
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Re: Will I ever feel "together"

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I see 30 year olds and they have husbands and kids and they look "together". And I see other 30 year olds that are single, still without careers, still living like they are 20.
Looking around at lives of others, they may seem to have it all together and figured out but nobody really knows what goes on on behind closed doors.


Quote:
I don't really know where I am getting at except... how I want to be, and who I want to be... I'm not and I'm having a hard time dealing with that. And I'm just wondering if this is normal? Is this will go away? If this is just 1/3life crisis or what. Any women have any thoughts or Input.
I turned 30 recently, I realised that having great expectations in life can lead to great disappointments.

Also what is the definition of normal?

You're interpretation of normal could be vastly different to my interpretation of normal.

What does being a "normal, together" woman look like to you?
What is your interpretation of it?
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post #9 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 04:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Will I ever feel "together"

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Looking around at lives of others, they may seem to have it all together and figured out but nobody really knows what goes on on behind ?


And this is what got me thinking. At work, everyone thinks I'm so put together and so smart, and they always say like oh I wish I could have made better decisions like you did. One young nurse told me that he wishes he could be me when he grows up. And people say my husband and I are a power couple. And I was talking to my friend (who had the affair I talked about in another thread), and her life is like a complete mess and mine is way less complicated but I just FEEL like she handles it like a freakin boss, and I'm like a mess over here and I have no real issues like her.
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post #10 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 04:07 PM
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Re: Will I ever feel "together"

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I want to be a confident, successful women. Who wakes up and functions like a normal person. Who wakes up, gets dressed up, and goes out and functions normally. Who has friends, and hobbies and has a clean house, who plans ahead and cooks.
Basically I want to be more normal and rational vs emotionally driven if that makes sense.
Ok, so you have it together when there are no big stressors. Then something like your exams hit and fall part.

What I see from your above post is that when a stressor hits, you ignore the routine that helps you keep it all together.

What is the basic routine you need to keep sanity in your life?

Wake up
Shower
Get dressed
Comb your hair (add this one to the basic)
etc.


There is a start.. make up a list of your basic routine. A lot of AD/HD people need this.

The plan for the times when there is a deviation to the norm... like the studying you are doing right now. You knew that this was coming, so you could have planned for it. Instead you let yourself sort of fall apart.

Other than this, it sounds like you are pretty much together most of the time.

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post #11 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 04:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Will I ever feel "together"

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Ok, so you have it together when there are no big stressors. Then something like your exams hit and fall part.



What I see from your above post is that when a stressor hits, you ignore the routine that helps you keep it all together.



What is the basic routine you need to keep sanity in your life?



Wake up

Shower

Get dressed

Comb your hair (add this one to the basic)

etc.





There is a start.. make up a list of your basic routine. A lot of AD/HD people need this.



The plan for the times when there is a deviation to the norm... like the studying you are doing right now. You knew that this was coming, so you could have planned for it. Instead you let yourself sort of fall apart.



Other than this, it sounds like you are pretty much together most of the time.


Yes I agree. It's certain stressors that throw me off. It's just frustrating because I get all consumed with the task that I neglect basic things. I've always been like this. I hope to God that this is just school/test related and I'm almost done for life... I can hopefully be and feel more normal.
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post #12 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 06:50 PM
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Re: Will I ever feel "together"

I'm in my 50s and pretty well known in my (small) field of study. I still feel like a kid play-acting, and waiting to be told I have to go home to have my dinner. That isn't all bad. I know that I'm good at what I do. I know that when necessary I can be as serious as needed to deal with problems. It just means that I haven't lost the fun of being a kid.

OP, it sounds like your life is in good shape and you DO have it together most of the time, but sometimes there are problems "your whole life crumbles". But does it really? Have there been bad lasting consequences from the times when you didn't have it together?
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post #13 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Will I ever feel "together"

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I'm in my 50s and pretty well known in my (small) field of study. I still feel like a kid play-acting, and waiting to be told I have to go home to have my dinner. That isn't all bad. I know that I'm good at what I do. I know that when necessary I can be as serious as needed to deal with problems. It just means that I haven't lost the fun of being a kid.



OP, it sounds like your life is in good shape and you DO have it together most of the time, but sometimes there are problems "your whole life crumbles". But does it really? Have there been bad lasting consequences from the times when you didn't have it together?


I feel like I always make pretty good decisions and I'm very responsible in that sort of way.
I think it's more the superficial things that fall apart... house, chores, my looks. Maybe because I know those things aren't the priority so I let them slip while I concentrate on what I think does matter. Who knows. My husband can know so much about how I am doing and feeling based solely off of how the house looks lol.
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post #14 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 10:21 PM
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Re: Will I ever feel "together"

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When I was younger, I use to look at 30 year olds and think they were adults, mature, accomplished and put together. Now that I'm here... I don't feel like this at all. I don't feel how I thought they looked when I was younger if that makes sense.
I don't FEEL together all the time if that makes sense. I am always thinking about what I have to do, what I should be doing, my to-do-list never gets shorter.
My question is for the women... will I ever feel put together? I can't tell if this is normal, or if it's just me. I know that people say your never going to feel ready (to do whatever the next move is), and for me this is how I feel.
I'm not sure if I'm making sense or not.
I can't speak for women but every decade of life I feel more together. The main thing that happened is I learned that caring about how much stuff I have and what people think of me was not as important then what I think of myself. I also learned what really makes me an accomplished person. Again it wasn't in things and others or even successes and failures. It was how I handled all of those things. That is what I have direct control over, that is what I should be judged on.

I see my wife feels a lot of guilt for things. If she doesn't have a perfectly clean house. If she says no to other people, family, work. (Not me so much, I guess that means she trust me. ) That seems like a hard way to live.
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post #15 of 26 (permalink) Old 03-05-2017, 11:05 PM
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Re: Will I ever feel "together"

If you are aren't missing important stuff, then I think you are fine.

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I feel like I always make pretty good decisions and I'm very responsible in that sort of way.
I think it's more the superficial things that fall apart... house, chores, my looks. Maybe because I know those things aren't the priority so I let them slip while I concentrate on what I think does matter. Who knows. My husband can know so much about how I am doing and feeling based solely off of how the house looks lol.
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