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post #16 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:41 AM
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Re: Seeking female perspective

I agree that women who don't have women friends are bad bets in general. The men they seek attention from can't trust them and the women they won't condescend to talk to don't like or trust them. Broad brush, I know, but my experience.

Anyway, your WW is making decisions for herself and you should be making decisions for yourself. Her decisions result in her walking all over you as she declares the right to be married and have boyfriends. Your decisions can include your refusal to live your life this way.

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post #17 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 07:14 AM
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Re: Seeking female perspective

she's telling you these things because she wants to do them with you. she enjoys them and she wishes you could enjoy them as well.

she has unfortunately allowed herself to cross some serious boundaries emotionally but when something similar happened in my marriage i was only craving his active attention and if i'd gotten that, every single outside element would have never even existed.

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post #18 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 10:11 AM
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You sound too reasonable.
I'll assume this bothers you emotionally, that's why you're here.
Show her your passion and jealousy ; I think most people really like knowing that their mate is possessive of them.
Shrugging this type of behavior off, with a "whatever you wanna do sweetheart " type attitude, can make a woman (or man??), feel like you don't matter to them..
Her proposed plans with her "friends" are over the top ridiculous- -- photo shoot at romantic location, my ass.
That said, I had a male work friend that I socialized with, only when my boyfriend (now husband) , acted all nonchalant about our relationship and how long term it was going to be.
Mark your turf.
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post #19 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 12:53 PM
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Re: Seeking female perspective

Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
You are all right. I feel like the most stupid person in the world, it is all in front of me. My self esteem levels are low, but you know there are two sides to every story. I am sure there are loads of things I could have done better or done wrong and I sincerely want to understand them because I believe self reflection is a big part of where growth comes from. Maybe this very attitude is my failing.

I am perhaps old fashion and utterly believe in the commitment of marriage.

I went to see my Dr the other day, he is a mad man. . and he physically hit me, not hard, but in a way to say stand tall man. I am struggling with this because I honestly feel defeated and that isn't attractive.
Maybe you should think back to your childhood and is that where the low self esteem began. I suspect that you're codependent, and that your wife feeds into that low self esteem, that familiar place from your past. Usually, we become codependent because of something from our past that triggers it in our romantic relationships. Your wife sounds very self centered, and I doubt she'll change her ways. The problem doesn't really lie with her, but that you allow yourself to be treated the way she treats you. I'd focus on why that is, and'll be able to stand up to her, and you might come away realizing that this marriage is toxic, and not a good fit for you. But, you have to work on yourself, first, and figuring out why you lack self esteem. Best wishes on your journey, and hugs.
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post #20 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 07:23 AM
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There is absolutely ZERO reason for your wife to do ANYTHING with another man by themselves. It is totally NOT OKAY. Even if intentions are good, people can cross boundaries and develop inappropriate closeness.

Anything can be done in a group of friends, not one on one. Make your wife understand this. Do fun things with her. Take her to counselling if she doesn't understand how inappropriate this is!! She is out of line!
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post #21 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 08:04 AM
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Re: Seeking female perspective

It looks to me like she wants to do these things with you, otherwise she wouldn't say anything and just do it...
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post #22 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: Seeking female perspective

Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post

I am seeking a female perspective. My wife said I need to appreciate while we are married I am not her best friend. It seems that role is filled by a male colleague (who has young children and is in an unhappy marriage). Thanks to social networking they are in constant communications 24x7 and feels like a constant 3rd wheel in our relationship and has done for a few years but I never said anything because due to work issues I thought having a support network at work was a good thing. She also said to me she was speaking to another guy today who she knows over the phone and on Facebook but has never met but shares a common interest. He said he would love to do some night photography with her one evening (at what can only be described as a romantic spot). She said to me she hates the fact she would feel guilty at doing it due to what I would think and a lack of trust.

I can see her point, she is quite flirty (and is really good looking), has very few female friends, I am more of a quiet introvert. However she has also recently told me she was (and possibly still having) an emotional affair with another person as our relationship felt lonely. We can't talk about this, or at least I can't ask as she is so closed off to me at the moment so I am in limbo not knowing what is going on while she wants space to get her thoughts together.

My reason for posting this here is to try and understand a female perspective on this, and also ask if there are any books or sites I can read to better understand this situation. I am genuine in my desire to fix our relationship starting by looking at myself.
Hey, obviously I am a female! Tell her how you feel about your closeness. What I mean by that is it sounds like you would want to be her friend, not because of the threat however the distance. She may have a problem with closeness that you may need to work on. In the movie phenomenon the doctor asks a young man what his girlfriend's chairs are. Meaning what does she like that are not just common interests? What does she live for that society hasn't brought completely down? What does her smile hide about what makes her happy? When you approach the subject of this threat as I like to call the other dude, tell her that it's not all about jealousy because it's clearly not. Explain to her that it comes from an angle that you would like to fill. It after all is your right to want that. Heck I would kill for that! Maybe not kill, but you see my point!

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post #23 of 23 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 01:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Seeking female perspective

Thanks everyone for the comments, this whole saga has been the biggest obstacle I have ever faced in my life. I had no idea the level of pain and anguish that could result from the breakdown of a relationship.

Still as of today it's too late, the legal people have been engaged as a part of divorce/property settlement.

I have been pretty lucky in there are no children involved, and I have the support of an awesome doctor, counsellor and boss, still it's a rough road.

Thanks again to all.
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