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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:34 AM Thread Starter
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Seeking female perspective

Hi,

I am seeking a female perspective. My wife said I need to appreciate while we are married I am not her best friend. It seems that role is filled by a male colleague (who has young children and is in an unhappy marriage). Thanks to social networking they are in constant communications 24x7 and feels like a constant 3rd wheel in our relationship and has done for a few years but I never said anything because due to work issues I thought having a support network at work was a good thing. She also said to me she was speaking to another guy today who she knows over the phone and on Facebook but has never met but shares a common interest. He said he would love to do some night photography with her one evening (at what can only be described as a romantic spot). She said to me she hates the fact she would feel guilty at doing it due to what I would think and a lack of trust.

I can see her point, she is quite flirty (and is really good looking), has very few female friends, I am more of a quiet introvert. However she has also recently told me she was (and possibly still having) an emotional affair with another person as our relationship felt lonely. We can't talk about this, or at least I can't ask as she is so closed off to me at the moment so I am in limbo not knowing what is going on while she wants space to get her thoughts together.

My reason for posting this here is to try and understand a female perspective on this, and also ask if there are any books or sites I can read to better understand this situation. I am genuine in my desire to fix our relationship starting by looking at myself.

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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:51 AM
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Re: Seeking female perspective

Ok, I'm not a female, but here is something that stood out. She is telling you a lot. It looks to me like she wants to do these things with you, otherwise she wouldn't say anything and just do it. You should be the one to take her to that spot for the photography. Even if photography is not your thing, take her there and let her take pictures.
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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:52 AM
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Cool Re: Seeking female perspective

Not a female! But I'd be more concerned about whether this special friend is "popping flashbulbs" alone with her at night!

And if he, perhaps, is making use of a "long lense!"

In marriage, this arrangement is grossly unacceptable!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:02 AM
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Re: Seeking female perspective

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Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
Not a female! But I'd be more concerned about whether this special friend is "popping flashbulbs" alone with her at night!

And if he, perhaps, is making use of a "long lense!"

In marriage, this arrangement is grossly unacceptable!

I don't think she's met "long lens guy" yet

Agreed on unacceptable boundary crossing
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:12 AM
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Re: Seeking female perspective

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Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post
Hi,

I am seeking a female perspective. My wife said I need to appreciate while we are married I am not her best friend. It seems that role is filled by a male colleague (who has young children and is in an unhappy marriage). Thanks to social networking they are in constant communications 24x7 and feels like a constant 3rd wheel in our relationship and has done for a few years but I never said anything because due to work issues I thought having a support network at work was a good thing. She also said to me she was speaking to another guy today who she knows over the phone and on Facebook but has never met but shares a common interest. He said he would love to do some night photography with her one evening (at what can only be described as a romantic spot). She said to me she hates the fact she would feel guilty at doing it due to what I would think and a lack of trust.

I can see her point, she is quite flirty (and is really good looking), has very few female friends, I am more of a quiet introvert. However she has also recently told me she was (and possibly still having) an emotional affair with another person as our relationship felt lonely. We can't talk about this, or at least I can't ask as she is so closed off to me at the moment so I am in limbo not knowing what is going on while she wants space to get her thoughts together.

My reason for posting this here is to try and understand a female perspective on this, and also ask if there are any books or sites I can read to better understand this situation. I am genuine in my desire to fix our relationship starting by looking at myself.
I have tried to understand the perspective that your wife has, so I will try: (I'm female.)
1. A fair few women think it's cool to have male friends. They're a better grade of friends, ITO.
2. some people think that "friend" trumps spouse. It is true that everyone has a few lifelong friends whose friendships last longer than any marriage. But that's disrespecting the institution of marriage and, practically speaking, ignores the huge sacrifice that a spouse makes to the partner. Friends come in and out of your life. You don't expect them to give up that Christmas ski trip to hang out with your family, including your surly brother. So why deprioritise the needs of your spouse in favor of a "friend."

I had to untangle the friend issue, fortunately, while we still dating. I would say that a woman who has few female friends is a red flag. And a woman who is proud of that; who also disparages other women --"oh, they're so catty" is just off the charts......... Run, Forest, run!

I would also be concerned about anyone who believes /acts as if opposite sex friends are completely interchangeable with same sex friendships. That is, while you don't mind your wife taking a trip with a female friend, I would imagine you would with a male friend. IF she refuses to understand that distinction, you're in for a long bumpy run.

Why don't you go on this photo mission with your wife. It is with a guy she claims she has never met, so there is a layer of danger there.

But I think you need to consider long and hard about remaining married to someone who makes friends with men under these random circumstances.
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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:43 AM
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Re: Seeking female perspective

So, your wife has already indicated that her male friend is more important than you are. She also has, apparently, zero boundaries with the opposite sex. She's very flirty by even your own admission. She's flat out told you she's having (at least) an emotional affair with another man. Now she wants to meet up with some rando she found online, alone at night, and doesn't want to discuss it. She says she hates feeling like her behavior is restricted because she's a married woman.

Dude. Your wife either isn't cut out to be in a monogamous relationship, or just isn't interested in being in one with you. Either way, your wife is cheating on you. Are you okay with that? If not, why are you putting up with it? Why is your go-to move to try to fix yourself in order to get her back, rather than focusing on what the real issue is: your cheating wife?

I strongly suggest you get into counseling for yourself ASAP. Tell your new therapist that you are in desperate need of improved self-esteem and a much better understanding of boundaries and how to set and inforce them. You need to figure out why you don't seem to think you deserve better.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi

Last edited by Rowan; 03-06-2017 at 09:42 AM.
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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:58 AM
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If my husband told me his "best friend" was a female co-worker and they were in constant contact, well, he wouldn't be my husband anymore.
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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:59 AM
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Re: Seeking female perspective

A male best friend?

Going to a romantic spot alone with another man?

What more does she have to do to get you to divorce her?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:00 AM
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Re: Seeking female perspective

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
A male best friend?

Going to a romantic spot alone with another man?

What more does she have to do to get you to divorce her?
QFT.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:04 AM
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Re: Seeking female perspective

Until I get the go ahead from the doctor, I am not a woman, but still ...

Meeting random guys online, admitted to having an emotional affair (which apparently you don't see this as being serious since you let her control the dialogue i.e. she won't talk about it), seriously how is every red flag not going off for you? If she said she was having a physical affair with a guy but didn't want to talk to you about it so she could sort things out, would you just blow off as easily?

This part here though takes the cake:

Quote:
He said he would love to do some night photography with her one evening (at what can only be described as a romantic spot). She said to me she hates the fact she would feel guilty at doing it due to what I would think and a lack of trust.
Sorry, but there is nothing acceptable or ok with this. She is even trying to spin it around on you by saying she would feel guilty doing BECAUSE OF YOU.

She is having an emotional affair, quite possibly a physical affair. Seek counseling immediately if you even want to salvage. Otherwise, start making plans to protect yourself/your assets, meet with a lawyer.

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post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:12 AM
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Re: Seeking female perspective

Female perspective:

She doesn't respect you.

She's slowly tested the waters to see how much she can get away with and you've fallen for it and essentially given her your approval to have an EA.

You think you're being a good husband by being super nice and understanding. Newsflash - that's counter intuitive. Case in point, the current dynamic in your relationship.
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post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:13 AM
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Re: Seeking female perspective

You carry her water.

Other men carry her across the finish line.

She is not cheating. She is not. She is flat-out telling you what she wants, what she needs and what she is doing and wants to do. She is asking for your blessing.

Or....she is hoping you get angry and tell her in no uncertain terms that she is your wife. This **** stops now.

Stand tall and block her. Or step aside and serve her with divorce papers. There is no other option.

Blocking her loudly may fail. But that tells you that she wants out. That she does not want you in any shape or form.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:18 AM
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Re: Seeking female perspective

Another woman here:

She doesn't have many female friends but has lots of male friends she likes to get attention from.

Women like this are poor partner material because they're always seeking out male attention, and they don't have women friends because they don't like the competition. They want to be the only woman in the room so they can get all of the attention.

In addition, she's basically dating other men in broad daylight.

Are you sure you want to live with this?
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post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Seeking female perspective

You are all right. I feel like the most stupid person in the world, it is all in front of me. My self esteem levels are low, but you know there are two sides to every story. I am sure there are loads of things I could have done better or done wrong and I sincerely want to understand them because I believe self reflection is a big part of where growth comes from. Maybe this very attitude is my failing.

I am perhaps old fashion and utterly believe in the commitment of marriage.

I went to see my Dr the other day, he is a mad man. . and he physically hit me, not hard, but in a way to say stand tall man. I am struggling with this because I honestly feel defeated and that isn't attractive.
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post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 08:54 AM
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Re: Seeking female perspective

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Originally Posted by falconbridge View Post

I am perhaps old fashion and utterly believe in the commitment of marriage.
Nothing wrong with that. But it also means you don't let your wife date other guys while you are married. Having commitment doesn't mean you let your wife bang other guys.

I can assure you those other guys want more from your wife than friendship.

You are asking for books to read? WTF!!! You only need one site. This one. You found it and got your answer.

Good luck my friend. Don't leave this site. You are not done. The veterans here can help you out of this but YOU must be willing to make the effort.

Last edited by blueinbr; 03-06-2017 at 09:06 AM.
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