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post #16 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:29 AM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

Another angle is that he basically hid it in plain sight. You use the filing cabinet too. Why wouldn't he expect that you would find it eventually? The filing cabinet is not off limits. Don't be concerned about him thinking you were snooping. If he takes that approach, simply tell him that there is no reason you should be not in the filing cabinet and maybe he wanted you to find it.

Maybe he's kind of hoping you find it. The only way to find out is to ask him about it in a non-judgmental, loving way without worry about him seriously thinking you were snooping.


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Last edited by CynthiaDe; 03-09-2017 at 11:34 AM. Reason: missing word changed meaning
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post #17 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:35 AM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

If the OP is happy to try anal play with her partner, then there is on particular reason to mention finding the dildo. She can just try a little of that and see how he reacts.

If she isn't happy to try, then there is no reason to bring it up.

Its possible the dildo is from long ago and he forgot he hid it there.
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post #18 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

I am so glad to have this support! There are a few things that I would like to clarify about my relationship. First of all, the dildo is new. He also has another toy that I know about. We had discussed anal stimulation on and off, and even went to a sex shop to buy a butt plug. It turned out that he found it uncomfortable so we tossed it. I have expressed time and again that I would be willing to give him anal pleasure but he never takes me up on it. This is why I am puzzled and hurt that he has finally acquired something for anal pleasure but won't share it with me. The thought of turning him on that way turns me on, because I love him and want him to be happy and satisfied. That he doesn't know this after I have told him time and again is bewildering.

The fact too, that he is the LD partner is also frustrating. He knows that I masturbate; I have no reason to hide this fact from him. Yet he wants to hide sexual matters from me. I can't help but feel that he is not making the effort to improve our love life. By keeping secrets from me, he is causing me to mistrust him and wonder what else he is hiding for whatever reasons he may have.

I do think that the suggestion that I introduce anal play into the picture without mentioning the dildo is a good one. I want him to feel that he can hide things there, because if he knows that I found it, he may hide things someplace else!

It is also interesting that he may have hidden it "in plain sight." I don't often go into his file cabinet, and the empty hanging files that I wanted were right at the front of the drawer but I am not sure what prompted me to look in the back.
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post #19 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:25 PM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

Hmm, its interesting that he has turned you down for anal play.

Is it possible that he thought he would like it but doesn't? Another thought is that after the butt plug being uncomfortable, he decided to try something much smaller. Maybe he got the dildo after the last time he turned you down?

His being the LD partner does make it much more difficult. The entire LD/HD dynamic makes things really trick. There are also some people, I think more often LDs, who have an extremely difficult time talking about what they want sexually. (my wife is like that, its almost impossible to get her to actually tell me what she wants, I just need to try things and see if she says no). Really frustrating.

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Originally Posted by darkfilly View Post
I am so glad to have this support! There are a few things that I would like to clarify about my relationship. First of all, the dildo is new. He also has another toy that I know about. We had discussed anal stimulation on and off, and even went to a sex shop to buy a butt plug. It turned out that he found it uncomfortable so we tossed it. I have expressed time and again that I would be willing to give him anal pleasure but he never takes me up on it. This is why I am puzzled and hurt that he has finally acquired something for anal pleasure but won't share it with me. The thought of turning him on that way turns me on, because I love him and want him to be happy and satisfied. That he doesn't know this after I have told him time and again is bewildering.

The fact too, that he is the LD partner is also frustrating. He knows that I masturbate; I have no reason to hide this fact from him. Yet he wants to hide sexual matters from me. I can't help but feel that he is not making the effort to improve our love life. By keeping secrets from me, he is causing me to mistrust him and wonder what else he is hiding for whatever reasons he may have.

I do think that the suggestion that I introduce anal play into the picture without mentioning the dildo is a good one. I want him to feel that he can hide things there, because if he knows that I found it, he may hide things someplace else!

It is also interesting that he may have hidden it "in plain sight." I don't often go into his file cabinet, and the empty hanging files that I wanted were right at the front of the drawer but I am not sure what prompted me to look in the back.
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post #20 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

Yes, I am sure that the dildo is fairly new. It doesn't look like it's been around awhile, like his other toy.

The LD issue has been around since we married eight years ago. I have gotten resigned to self service most of the time but would like to make the times that we are together be more meaningful.
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post #21 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

Just freaking ask him already.

Hold it in your closed hand, sit across the table from him, then look him in the eye, unroll your hand, and say "What's this?".

You'll find his answer a heck of a lot more useful than any you'll get here.
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post #22 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 05:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

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Originally Posted by browser View Post
Just freaking ask him already.

Hold it in your closed hand, sit across the table from him, then look him in the eye, unroll your hand, and say "What's this?".

You'll find his answer a heck of a lot more useful than any you'll get here.
Well, thanks for replying. I have, on the contrary to what you say, found the replies I have gotten here to be very useful. Now I have a plan of action and I feel a lot better about the whole thing.
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post #23 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 05:31 PM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

I don't know any guys that like stuff rammed up their a-holes, unless they are gay. I do love putting my wang into my fiance's a-hole when we're drunk. She loves it, even when some brown stuff gets transferred.

Are there any hints he's gay? He doesn't want to have sex with you often, which is a big red flag. Anything else?
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post #24 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 05:32 PM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

Quote:
Originally Posted by darkfilly View Post
I am so glad to have this support! There are a few things that I would like to clarify about my relationship. First of all, the dildo is new. He also has another toy that I know about. We had discussed anal stimulation on and off, and even went to a sex shop to buy a butt plug. It turned out that he found it uncomfortable so we tossed it. I have expressed time and again that I would be willing to give him anal pleasure but he never takes me up on it. This is why I am puzzled and hurt that he has finally acquired something for anal pleasure but won't share it with me. The thought of turning him on that way turns me on, because I love him and want him to be happy and satisfied. That he doesn't know this after I have told him time and again is bewildering.

The fact too, that he is the LD partner is also frustrating. He knows that I masturbate; I have no reason to hide this fact from him. Yet he wants to hide sexual matters from me. I can't help but feel that he is not making the effort to improve our love life. By keeping secrets from me, he is causing me to mistrust him and wonder what else he is hiding for whatever reasons he may have.

I do think that the suggestion that I introduce anal play into the picture without mentioning the dildo is a good one. I want him to feel that he can hide things there, because if he knows that I found it, he may hide things someplace else!

It is also interesting that he may have hidden it "in plain sight." I don't often go into his file cabinet, and the empty hanging files that I wanted were right at the front of the drawer but I am not sure what prompted me to look in the back.
All completely reasonable and you need to say just this to him. He probably has some kind of shame about this because it's but stuff. But he needs to get over it if you are to have a good sex life. Have the talk.
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post #25 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 05:46 PM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

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Except for exercising ones bodily functions, IMHO with extremely rare exception, there should be no privacy within a loving and committed marital relationship!
Why exclude bodily functions?

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post #26 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:08 PM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
People hide things from their spouse when they know their wrong, or if they are embarrassed of their behavior, or they think you will judge them.

I don't blame you for being upset but I wouldn't make too much of a deal to him... how you handle this will affect whether or not he will open up to you or not.
You left out "shame". Some folks are raised with a lot of shame when it comes to sexuality. Not to get weird here but almost everyone would not have sex in front of their children. For others even open affection in front of others is a no no. I know people that have smoked grass all their lives but would never tell their kids about it, even their adult children.

What I'm trying to say is that everyone has a set of boundaries they establish for themselves. Secrecy may even add to a persons excitement when they masturbate while others openly do it in front of each other for extra excitement. "I" know their adult kids get high and "they" know their kids get high but they never talk about it to each other.

I see you have been a member for a period of time. I'm sorry, I just joined so I have not read anything about you and your relationship before. I find that mates generally know their partners pretty well unless they really don't want to.

I see that a lot of times a posts comes out followed by details that extenuate or exacerbate everything said before. If you can do it without causing shame or embarrassment for him simply ask about it. If there is a problem best get at it right away. Afterall it's not a secret bank account.

BTW: I prefer to masturbate when my wife is out of the house. I have no idea if she does or not but it's her business. She is perfect in every way. Something like that is not a problem.

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post #27 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:28 PM
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Cool Re: When is it acceptable...?

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Why exclude bodily functions?
Haven't you heard?

The Fifth Circiut Court of Appeals has unanimously ruled long ago that being subjected/confined to the restroom while I'm in there is deemed to be a gross violation of the U.S. Constitutional "cruel and unusual punishment clause!"

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post #28 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:49 PM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

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Haven't you heard?

The Fifth Circiut Court of Appeals has unanimously ruled long ago that being subjected/confined to the restroom while I'm in there is deemed to be a gross violation of the U.S. Constitutional "cruel and unusual punishment clause!"
Oh.
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post #29 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:30 PM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

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Originally Posted by darkfilly View Post
Yes, I am sure that the dildo is fairly new. It doesn't look like it's been around awhile, like his other toy.

The LD issue has been around since we married eight years ago. I have gotten resigned to self service most of the time but would like to make the times that we are together be more meaningful.
Based on what I have read on this thread, as a guy I admit this one seems rather odd. If he has tried butt plugs before but found them uncomfortable then the notion of him going on his own and buying a dildo to further this area of his sexual exploration seems rather unlikely.

I'm thinking more that it was a gag gift from his friends, perhaps to make fun of him a little because it was a "small" dildo. If this is the case and he actually saved it, perhaps he has clever plans to somehow regift it back as a way to get revenge. As in, "happy birthday Bob, your wife called and asked me to return this as you can't seem to get the job done all on your own these days!"
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post #30 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 10:37 PM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

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Originally Posted by darkfilly View Post
To hide things from your spouse?

I was looking in my husband's file cabinet for some empty file folders when I discovered a small dildo hidden way at the back. I felt uncomfortable for having found it, and wondered what on earth he used it for since it is so small.

Then I started wondering if he had hidden anything else from me. I have been feeling worried all day. So my question is, when is it acceptable to hide things from your spouse? I don't want to over react, but this thing is really bugging me. I think that I am more upset with the fact that it was hidden than with the object itself. Do you think he is right in concealing this from me?

I have bought a few sex toys, and then settled on my latest one. Mrs.CuddleBug doesn't know. I don't use it to hurt or avoid her, I use it because she is LD.

That's the only thing I have hidden from Mrs.CuddleBug. Everything else she has 100% knowledge of and access.

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