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post #31 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:00 PM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

Some good advice here so far....My thoughts is why the file cabinet....I assume it wasn't in the bedroom...and since he's LD he doesn't need a "wank" room and he knows you are pleasuring yourself and hasn't attempted to use on you...IDK something seems off to me...I'd ask him at this point....why hide that you found it...if he's doing himself with it and not including you seems like a huge issue to me...

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post #32 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 04:43 AM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
I have bought a few sex toys, and then settled on my latest one. Mrs.CuddleBug doesn't know. I don't use it to hurt or avoid her, I use it because she is LD.

That's the only thing I have hidden from Mrs.CuddleBug. Everything else she has 100% knowledge of and access.
This is really interesting Cuddle.

When things were bad (no sex) between us, I bought some sex toys. I briefly thought about hiding them (shame?) but then I decided to be just upfront about it - not for some moral reason of honesty - but because I couldn't be bothered with the worry of them being found and then having to explain myself.

So I was just upfront about it...the funny thing was I think it was actually a turning point in our marriage because it spoke volumes about how I was feeling and that I was moving on without him one way or another. He was confronted with his own neglect of me, that I was indeed still the sexual person he married, that I WASN'T OK with no sex....sometimes actions speak louder than words.

What would your wife say if you told her about them? Would this shock her out of her complacency? I suspect there may be some projection in the way of shame and anger...but ultimately it will force her to think about you as a sexual person and not just the nice guy that hangs around the house.
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post #33 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 05:00 AM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

...

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post #34 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:37 AM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

Hi there,

This is all just my opinion and some perspective for you. Every marriage is different and you have to form your own value system in your marriage.

I'm curious, are you saying that you hide absolutely nothing from him? There's nothing you do or have that you'd prefer he not know about?

Quote:
Originally Posted by darkfilly View Post
I am pretty open with him.
If not, that's pretty amazing. Sometimes I do little things like eat a chocolate bar without telling my husband (I'm not overweight, I just enjoy some private time with chocolate now and again, lol). I also don't tell him every time I masturbate or how I did it. I could tell him and have, so he knows, but I'm not doing anything "wrong". I just don't want to tell him every single thing.

From my perspective, what I really wonder is why your husband may not want to tell you about something that has to do with making him feel good sexually (keep in mind, we have no idea why he has it or what he does with it). You going to him with any amount of judgment around it will only reinforce his reasons for hiding it.

I suggest you do a lot of journaling about this to get in touch with how you feel about it. Keep asking yourself, "what's wrong with having a dildo hidden away?" then answer that and keep asking "what's wrong with?". You'll be amazed at what you learn about how you feel about it!

Listening to all of us here on TAM is great, but you can become a ping-pong ball because we all have different opinions.

If you do approach, which I think is wise, I'd do it with a kind and playful heart. You could just tell him how you found it, that you didn't mean to and you were conflicted between respecting his privacy and wanting to know more about it in case there is something you could explore together sexually. Be his friend not his mother.

HTH!
Kerry

Last edited by Kerry; 03-10-2017 at 07:44 AM.
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post #35 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:57 AM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

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Originally Posted by darkfilly View Post
Well, thanks for replying. I have, on the contrary to what you say, found the replies I have gotten here to be very useful. Now I have a plan of action and I feel a lot better about the whole thing.
All I read prior to your post claiming you received good replies was:

1- Several guesses as to the purpose of the dildo, at least one of which you ruled out others include "he's gay", "it was a gag gift"
2- Advice that says "if you have secrets in a marriage you're in trouble"
3- Advice such as mine that says "ask him"

Since you don't like my advice which is to simply ask him, then what's your plan of action from all the useful replies you say you have received?

The only possible course of action I can see from the posts and your response is you're going to shove a sex toy up his ass and see how he responds and I don't personally think that's the best way to handle this particular situation.

Last edited by browser; 03-10-2017 at 09:01 AM.
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post #36 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

Its pretty common. Gay and straight men have the same nerve endings so they actually enjoy a lot of the same things. The difference is that gay men enjoy doing those things with other men, and straight men enjoy doing them with women.

I've always found the association of male anal penetration with homosexuality to be odd. I believe the most common sexual activity between gay men is oral sex, but somehow enjoying a BJ isn't seen as meaning a guy is gay.





Quote:
Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
I don't know any guys that like stuff rammed up their a-holes, unless they are gay. I do love putting my wang into my fiance's a-hole when we're drunk. She loves it, even when some brown stuff gets transferred.

Are there any hints he's gay? He doesn't want to have sex with you often, which is a big red flag. Anything else?
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post #37 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 12:31 PM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

I'm curious why it is wrong for a guy to have a play toy tucked away? Even if he does masturbate with it, what is the big deal? I do it, it's not a crime.

Make it a small issue, be sweet about it, be genuine and honest and stop putting your projections (and other's) onto it. All this chatter here is just filling your head with things that may not be true. Poor guy has no idea that all these people are talking about a dildo that he may have forgotten about.

Just talk to the guy and remember, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar!
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post #38 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 12:34 PM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kerry View Post
I'm curious why it is wrong for a guy to have a play toy tucked away? Even if he does masturbate with it, what is the big deal? I do it, it's not a crime.
It depends on why the play toy is tucked away without the other spouse being aware of it.

If the play toy is tucked away simply because its something that the tucker didn't think was worth mentioning then well, I guess it's innocent enough.

If the play toy is tucked away because the tucker is embarassed, or hiding something more sinister (such as a gay fantasy), or using it on or with someone else, then there are problems here, such as bad communication, lack of trust, infidelity, and/or a sexual gender preference that is not in line with the chosen partner, any and all of which are relationship destroyers.

Last edited by browser; 03-10-2017 at 12:38 PM.
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post #39 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 06:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

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Originally Posted by browser View Post
It depends on why the play toy is tucked away without the other spouse being aware of it.

If the play toy is tucked away simply because its something that the tucker didn't think was worth mentioning then well, I guess it's innocent enough.

If the play toy is tucked away because the tucker is embarassed, or hiding something more sinister (such as a gay fantasy), or using it on or with someone else, then there are problems here, such as bad communication, lack of trust, infidelity, and/or a sexual gender preference that is not in line with the chosen partner, any and all of which are relationship destroyers.
This is my concern. That he is using it on someone else or even having, not exactly gay fantasies but bi-fantasies. I also discovered that another sex toy that he owns, a Fleshlight, has gone missing, come back then gone missing again. Now I am really concerned.
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post #40 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 06:16 PM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

Why not just ask...'why is there a dildo in your file cabinet?' Simple as that. Never be afraid to ask an honest question. It's a dildo, not a video game collection. Not that he needs to tell you his every move, but a dildo hidden away ...I'd wonder.


Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
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post #41 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:23 AM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kerry View Post
I'm curious why it is wrong for a guy to have a play toy tucked away? Even if he does masturbate with it, what is the big deal? I do it, it's not a crime.
It's an issue in this case because sex is an issue in their marriage. He's not having sex with his wife, so why does he need a toy? She's feeling "left out" for want of a better expression and I can completely understand why.

The issue isn't the toy itself, it's the lack of sex and why he'd need one if he's not that into sex.

Quote:
Originally Posted by darkfilly View Post
This is my concern. That he is using it on someone else or even having, not exactly gay fantasies but bi-fantasies. I also discovered that another sex toy that he owns, a Fleshlight, has gone missing, come back then gone missing again. Now I am really concerned.
Ding ding!! Whoa...ok...time for a talk with him. I'd be concerned about that too. Dont give him any warning, just come right out with it - show him what you found, and ask where the other one went and why is it now back. You're his wife, it's your right to know if he's up to something.

If you surprise him with it, he won't have time to make up bs answers...you're more likely to get the truth.
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post #42 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 12:30 PM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

I don't see a cause for concern about him playing with others unless there is other evidence.

Is there any reason to think he is using a dildo on someone else? If its another man, then neither has the need for a dildo. If its a woman, a very small dildo is not a common toy. Its possible, but it seems pretty unlikely to me.

Maybe he hid the fleshlight somewhere else. Or maybe he was embarassed and threw it out, then got another. Some men are very easily embarrassed and guilty about their masturbation habits.

Most likely he is using the dildo and fleshlight together to masturbate. That is a really quick and intense way for men to get off.

The real problem I see is that he is doing this while LD. Can you think of any reason he might masturbate rather then have sex with you. (not your fault!, just looking for some possible explanation).




Quote:
Originally Posted by darkfilly View Post
This is my concern. That he is using it on someone else or even having, not exactly gay fantasies but bi-fantasies. I also discovered that another sex toy that he owns, a Fleshlight, has gone missing, come back then gone missing again. Now I am really concerned.
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post #43 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:38 AM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

is it possible that it is a long lost thing from before you were together? Could it belong to anyone else (I know that sounds odd but just be certain) and last the imp in me says to go out and buy a humongous one and replace it. You should hear him scream when he finds it. Then tell him that's the size you want. The last of course is if you have the kind of relationship that will tolerate that.
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