When is it acceptable...? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 07:22 PM Thread Starter
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When is it acceptable...?

To hide things from your spouse?

I was looking in my husband's file cabinet for some empty file folders when I discovered a small dildo hidden way at the back. I felt uncomfortable for having found it, and wondered what on earth he used it for since it is so small.

Then I started wondering if he had hidden anything else from me. I have been feeling worried all day. So my question is, when is it acceptable to hide things from your spouse? I don't want to over react, but this thing is really bugging me. I think that I am more upset with the fact that it was hidden than with the object itself. Do you think he is right in concealing this from me?

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post #2 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 07:41 PM
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re: When is it acceptable...?

Well if he masturbates he probably uses it then, if he has never used the toy with you.

He could be to embarrassed to tell you he would use something on himself, unless you think he would cheat and he uses it then. Honestly it would bother me too.



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post #3 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 07:47 PM Thread Starter
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re: When is it acceptable...?

Thank you, I feel somewhat validated. I can't really talk to him about it, because he would think I was snooping...
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post #4 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 07:49 PM
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re: When is it acceptable...?

People hide things from their spouse when they know their wrong, or if they are embarrassed of their behavior, or they think you will judge them.

I don't blame you for being upset but I wouldn't make too much of a deal to him... how you handle this will affect whether or not he will open up to you or not.
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post #5 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 07:54 PM
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Cool re: When is it acceptable...?

Except for exercising ones bodily functions, IMHO with extremely rare exception, there should be no privacy within a loving and committed marital relationship!

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post #6 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 07:59 PM Thread Starter
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re: When is it acceptable...?

I guess as I think more about this, I don't like him keeping things from me. I am pretty open with him. I never do anything in private that I would be ashamed to admit to him. I am not comfortable about this at all. If he is using a sex toy, I would like to participate, to bring us closer. I feel left out. We hardly have sex as it is.
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post #7 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 08:28 PM
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re: When is it acceptable...?

Quote:
Originally Posted by darkfilly View Post
Thank you, I feel somewhat validated. I can't really talk to him about it, because he would think I was snooping...
If you can't discuss it with him, you have some serious issues in your marriage that need to be addressed. In marriage, husband and wife are supposed to have each other's backs and help each other through life. There should be no secrets unless these secrets are like gifts or something similar.

If his filing cabinet is off limits, that right there would be a problem. Looking for empty folders is a perfectly legitimate thing to do. Finding a dildo in the cabinet is odd.

If he told you he wanted to use a dildo, how would you respond? Would you listen and hear what he had to say and speak to him with love or would you shame him and make him feel nasty for wanting such a thing? Does your husband feel embarrassed talking about intimate things? You two should be able to discuss anything with each other without fear. That is part of what marriage should be.
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I guess as I think more about this, I don't like him keeping things from me. I am pretty open with him. I never do anything in private that I would be ashamed to admit to him. I am not comfortable about this at all. If he is using a sex toy, I would like to participate, to bring us closer. I feel left out. We hardly have sex as it is.
Of course you want him to talk to you and include you. That is a normal feeling. I would feel uncomfortable if I found something like that and my husband hadn't uttered a word about it.

Why do you hardly have sex? How often is hardly?

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post #8 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:09 PM Thread Starter
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re: When is it acceptable...?

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Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
If you can't discuss it with him, you have some serious issues in your marriage that need to be addressed. In marriage, husband and wife are supposed to have each other's backs and help each other through life. There should be no secrets unless these secrets are like gifts or something similar.
If his filing cabinet is off limits, that right there would be a problem. Looking for empty folders is a perfectly legitimate thing to do. Finding a dildo in the cabinet is odd.
I would like to discuss it with him but he doesn't know that I know about it. The file cabinet is not off limits, but I am just worried that he would suspect that I had been snooping.
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Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
If he told you he wanted to use a dildo, how would you respond? Would you listen and hear what he had to say and speak to him with love or would you shame him and make him feel nasty for wanting such a thing? Does your husband feel embarrassed talking about intimate things? You two should be able to discuss anything with each other without fear. That is part of what marriage should be.
I would be open to him using a dildo. He does feel embarrassed to talk about such things although I do not.
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Of course you want him to talk to you and include you. That is a normal feeling. I would feel uncomfortable if I found something like that and my husband hadn't uttered a word about it.
Why do you hardly have sex? How often is hardly?
He has a low libido and mine is very high. This is why I feel hurt that he is hiding this thing of a sexual nature.
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post #9 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:17 PM
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re: When is it acceptable...?

If you can be fair and gentle about it, telling him you found this might just be a way to open up conversations about sex that might lead to more sex??

If you are hurt and mad about it, that will show through and he will not talk to you about it at all. But if you are curious, open, and maybe a little turned on (even if only at the thought that there might be more and deeper sexuality within him that you can explore together) you will get better results. And maybe even really fun results.

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post #10 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:35 PM
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re: When is it acceptable...?

I know what the small dildo was for. It was for anal stimulation. Been there and done that. Apparently your husband is not comfortable in discussing his sexual fetishes, kinks or fantasies with you and feels that he had to hide his dirty little secrets from you. That is a problem of communication. What I like about my wife is that I can ask her to try anything and she will no matter what, even yucky stuff. Our girlfriend was the same way.

You should mention the dildo you found and tell your husband that he can tell you about any sexual fetishes or kinks he has without judgement. I am married for 44 years and have a great sex life because we were always open about our sexual needs. Our sex toys are in the same drawers and nothing is hidden. We have tried all of the main fetishes and some not so well known ones. Great sex and marriage comes from great communication. A good way to start is to search online for a list of fetishes and then both you and your husband mark them as willing to try, like to try and no way. Then compare lists and find common sexual interests.

Keep in mind that a kink is something that you want to do but a fetish is something that you have to do or it will gnaw away at you until fed. It even drives people to cheat. I am often amazed at how little couples communicate on a deeper level than they do, by reading posts all over the internet. Husbands and wives not telling each other what they like done during sex and being unhappy as a result. Men have a Prostate and when stimulated will produce an orgasm. Does not mean he is gay or anything, just that he enjoys anal stimulation as many men do. It feels good and should not be something to be ashamed of. Good luck and open the lines of sexual communication so that no one has to hide anything.


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post #11 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:50 PM
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re: When is it acceptable...?

Quote:
Originally Posted by darkfilly View Post
I guess as I think more about this, I don't like him keeping things from me. I am pretty open with him. I never do anything in private that I would be ashamed to admit to him. I am not comfortable about this at all. If he is using a sex toy, I would like to participate, to bring us closer. I feel left out. We hardly have sex as it is.
Number one rule of having a good marriage is you have to talk about things, even difficult things. You weren't snooping so you did nothing wrong. Though I am one to believe a marriage shouldn't have secrets.

Don't let him shut you down by saying you were snooping. You did nothing wrong! Don't accept any blame.

Talk to him. If you do maybe he will let you in and you will have more sex. It is not good though that you hardly have sex at all.
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post #12 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:56 PM
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post #13 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:59 PM
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re: When is it acceptable...?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
If you can be fair and gentle about it, telling him you found this might just be a way to open up conversations about sex that might lead to more sex??

If you are hurt and mad about it, that will show through and he will not talk to you about it at all. But if you are curious, open, and maybe a little turned on (even if only at the thought that there might be more and deeper sexuality within him that you can explore together) you will get better results. And maybe even really fun results.
Do this. Best results ever.

Showing enthusiasm and non judgement open wonderful doors.

Hope you two have good healthy fun.
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post #14 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 09:51 AM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

First the specific issue since that's easy.

He presumably is using the dildo for anal masturbation. Unfortunately receptive anal sex of any sort has often had very negative associations for men and many would worry about how their partners might react.

If you are not bothered by this likely interest of his, then you can try a little anal play on him next time you are having sex and see how he reacts.

If you are bothered by this, then you can see why he hid it.

Its possible the dildo was something else, but I can't think of what.


The more general question on what to hide is more difficult. I think there are a set of things that its OK to hide from your spouse if they would disgust, or offend them. Its also OK to hide certain types of behavior that you believe are OK, but they do now.

So, I close the bathroom door when I take a dump to avoid disgusting my wife. Its not really secret that my body functions normally, but she doesn't need to see it.

I don't tell her about my masturbation because the idea seems to bother her, and she hides hers from me. I think masturbation is something all humans have a right to do so I hide it from her,

I hide my discussion of my marriage / sex-life problems on this site because they would upset her, and she is not open to discussing them rationally. So I come her to discuss something that I should be able to discuss with my wife but cannot.
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post #15 of 43 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 10:30 AM
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Re: When is it acceptable...?

IMO, we have a right to personal privacy, even in marriage. Our thoughts are our own, and some behaviors can be personal and private at one's discretion. Only when privacy causes more harm to the partner or relationship than good to the self, does it become questionable. Many people are ashamed of masturbation - they've often been indoctrinated to have that view - and men especially may feel anal stimulation is viewed with disgust, so will hide it. They're entitled to feel that way and do this privately, IMO - if they want to overcome this attitude, then great, or if a loving and caring partner can open a discussion non-judgmentally, then also great.

You have the larger issue of problems with sex in your marriage. This may not have anything to do with that - or a great deal. I think Faithful Wife's advice is good to follow if you pursue this.

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