Previously feeling forced - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:30 AM Thread Starter
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Previously feeling forced

My wife of ten years occasionally would comment on previous relationships that she often felt forced to do things she didn't want to. She say no physical but emotional abuse. I never force her to do anything but I wonder if her past might be why she act like she does now. On average the last ten years not including sex just to get pregnant our average is probably 4-5 times a year with more in the beginning and less now. She has had two physical affairs and at least one emotional affair during the last 6 years, we have tried working on things but she only give partial truth so not going so well. With her partial replies I can't really ask her this right now. Any ideas about this?

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post #2 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:35 AM
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Re: Previously feeling forced

Wait a minute she has had two affairs mostly three and your have trepidation o ask her about them...tell me did you force her to have those affairs...did she force you to take her back...dude you lose you manhood in the process...your a doormat and cuckold husband you realize that....SINCE WHEN DOES SHE GET TO MAKE THE RULES....turn in your man card.
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post #3 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:39 AM
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Re: Previously feeling forced

She has had 3 affairs (that you know about) in the past 6 years, she only has sex with you 4-5 times a year and you're worried about asking her about this?? What am I really reading here?

She's probably had sex more times with her OM than she's had with you in the past 6 years! DUDE?!
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post #4 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:09 AM
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Re: Previously feeling forced

I'm wondering why you have stayed married to a serial cheater who isn't meeting your needs. Why are you still with her?

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post #5 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: Previously feeling forced

Ideas? Sure. Stop being a doormat and divorce her. You can definitely do better.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #6 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:29 AM
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Re: Previously feeling forced

Quote:
Originally Posted by Feeling lost and lonely View Post
On average the last ten years not including sex just to get pregnant our average is probably 4-5 times a year with more in the beginning and less now.
That is technically called a "sex-starved" marriage.... a marriage where you are having sex under 10x in one year (at least, I think it's 10x... maybe someone can correct me if wrong).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Feeling lost and lonely View Post
She has had two physical affairs and at least one emotional affair during the last 6 years, we have tried working on things but she only give partial truth so not going so well. With her partial replies I can't really ask her this right now. Any ideas about this?
Nothing will improve in the relationship without her full truth. She sounds like she is just not designed for marriage and is enjoying not having to own up to her errors with you, since it doesn't sound like you're pursuing the matter hotly.

How long did her physical affairs last?
How long did her emotional affair last?

Did you find out the identities of the affair partners (I doubt it)?
Did she come clean to family/friends about her affairs (I doubt it)?
Did she give you a full time-line of all events (I doubt it)?
Has she appeared at all remorseful or sorry for what she's done, and has she actively worked to gain your trust back (I doubt it)?

What you have is not a marriage, my friend. You have a living arrangement with a person that barely tolerates, likes, or respects you.
There are always better options out there.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #7 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Previously feeling forced

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Originally Posted by Lostinthought61 View Post
Wait a minute she has had two affairs mostly three and your have trepidation o ask her about them...tell me did you force her to have those affairs...did she force you to take her back...dude you lose you manhood in the process...your a doormat and cuckold husband you realize that....SINCE WHEN DOES SHE GET TO MAKE THE RULES....turn in your man card.
Asking about the affairs is no problem. I'm looking at things that may have made things this way in her mind.
You are right about a lot of things about me.

My support system or lack off it close by has been a big reason for still being here and our kids that have their issues making it more complicated.

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post #8 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Previously feeling forced

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
She has had 3 affairs (that you know about) in the past 6 years, she only has sex with you 4-5 times a year and you're worried about asking her about this?? What am I really reading here?

She's probably had sex more times with her OM than she's had with you in the past 6 years! DUDE?!
I worry about if she will tell me the whole truth or not about it. My question here is more if that could have messed her up leading her to do what she did.

You are right she probably did more with them then me.

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post #9 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:09 AM
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Re: Previously feeling forced

Male viewpoint here. You can't do anything to work on her until you work on yourself and get your self respect back.
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post #10 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Previously feeling forced

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
I'm wondering why you have stayed married to a serial cheater who isn't meeting your needs. Why are you still with her?
Because I am an idiot I guess would be my easiest answer but my wife has had a lot of medical and mental health problems over the years and I'm her health insurance and support, need her healthy for the kids, and my support system has not been stable lately but I have trip in a month to see my family in Europe for a couple of days and will discuss that with them to make sure I got financially covered in case I can't do it all on my own. I guess I once had hope that she could become her old self again.

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post #11 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Previously feeling forced

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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
Ideas? Sure. Stop being a doormat and divorce her. You can definitely do better.
By my self would probably be a lot better.

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post #12 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Previously feeling forced

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
That is technically called a "sex-starved" marriage.... a marriage where you are having sex under 10x in one year (at least, I think it's 10x... maybe someone can correct me if wrong).



Nothing will improve in the relationship without her full truth. She sounds like she is just not designed for marriage and is enjoying not having to own up to her errors with you, since it doesn't sound like you're pursuing the matter hotly.

I agree with not being designed for marriage.

How long did her physical affairs last?

About a year is what she told me.

How long did her emotional affair last?

A couple of months.

Did you find out the identities of the affair partners (I doubt it)?

Yes I found out who they are.

Did she come clean to family/friends about her affairs (I doubt it)?

No she didn't.

Did she give you a full time-line of all events (I doubt it)?

I doubt that it is complete.

Has she appeared at all remorseful or sorry for what she's done, and has she actively worked to gain your trust back (I doubt it)?

Only partially

What you have is not a marriage, my friend. You have a living arrangement with a person that barely tolerates, likes, or respects you.
There are always better options out there.
Very good way to put it.


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post #13 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:25 AM
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Re: Previously feeling forced

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Originally Posted by Feeling lost and lonely View Post
Because I am an idiot I guess would be my easiest answer but my wife has had a lot of medical and mental health problems over the years and I'm her health insurance and support, need her healthy for the kids, and my support system has not been stable lately but I have trip in a month to see my family in Europe for a couple of days and will discuss that with them to make sure I got financially covered in case I can't do it all on my own. I guess I once had hope that she could become her old self again.
Do NOT call yourself an idiot. You're human. Many people stay in bad marriages for far too long, for many of the same reasons, I would surmise. We humans, we are hopeful, we love, we want the best for our children (if we have them)... everyone has reasons for staying. They're not always the best reasons, and I've never yet seen a reason that is actually valid enough to stay in a bad marriage, but having these reasons doesn't make you an idiot. That's just your poor self-esteem talking, which no doubt has taken a hit because of this marriage.

It sounds like she may be using you for health insurance and/or financial support?

You need to figure a way out of this, friend. Preferably one where you're not obligated to pay her alimony. This is no good for you, and it's no good for your kids.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #14 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:48 AM
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Re: Previously feeling forced

Quote:
Originally Posted by Feeling lost and lonely View Post
My wife of ten years occasionally would comment on previous relationships that she often felt forced to do things she didn't want to. She say no physical but emotional abuse. I never force her to do anything but I wonder if her past might be why she act like she does now. On average the last ten years not including sex just to get pregnant our average is probably 4-5 times a year with more in the beginning and less now. She has had two physical affairs and at least one emotional affair during the last 6 years, we have tried working on things but she only give partial truth so not going so well. With her partial replies I can't really ask her this right now. Any ideas about this?

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I'll apologize for being harsh here but if she had 2 affairs, possibly 3, then it's not sex she isn't interested in it's sex with you.

I used to hope that my XW would have an affair and then I'd know that it was just me she wasn't interested in, but she admitted during MC that she had never been interested in any physical relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Feeling lost and lonely View Post
Because I am an idiot I guess would be my easiest answer but my wife has had a lot of medical and mental health problems over the years and I'm her health insurance and support, need her healthy for the kids, and my support system has not been stable lately but I have trip in a month to see my family in Europe for a couple of days and will discuss that with them to make sure I got financially covered in case I can't do it all on my own. I guess I once had hope that she could become her old self again.

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I presume her medical and mental health issues were OK when she was with he affairs. She should have thought about that before cheating ... twice!!
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post #15 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Previously feeling forced

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Do NOT call yourself an idiot. You're human. Many people stay in bad marriages for far too long, for many of the same reasons, I would surmise. We humans, we are hopeful, we love, we want the best for our children (if we have them)... everyone has reasons for staying. They're not always the best reasons, and I've never yet seen a reason that is actually valid enough to stay in a bad marriage, but having these reasons doesn't make you an idiot. That's just your poor self-esteem talking, which no doubt has taken a hit because of this marriage.

Answer: Yeah it was not very good before and a very bad now that's for sure.

It sounds like she may be using you for health insurance and/or financial support?

Answer: I agree


You need to figure a way out of this, friend. Preferably one where you're not obligated to pay her alimony. This is no good for you, and it's no good for your kids.
Answer: I am seeing more and more how bad it is for the kids. Right now things are fairly stable and not much arguments but no improvement to relationship.

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