stuck in the past - Talk About Marriage
The Ladies' Lounge Sharing and support.

User Tag List

 6Likes
  • 3 Post By Satya
  • 1 Post By browser
  • 1 Post By Jessica38
  • 1 Post By Vinnydee
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:19 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1
stuck in the past

Is it ok for me to be angry that my DH is still hung up about my past relationships/friendships?
I guess I should give a little more backstory. I've been married for 4 yrs, but we met over 6 years ago. We're on and off again during that time. The most turbulent was a couple years before we got married. I had a lot of guy friends and my best gf was fixing me up w a guy stationed overseas. It was a confusing time because I was a single mom, and divorced and unsure what love was. My now DH was unclear with his intentions and we had yet to define our relationship. Needless to say we argued a lot until I realized the reason was because I wanted a stable set relationship with someone, and want to find The one and he ended up being it. Dropped all the guy friends, dropped all the unhealthy friendships, one miscarriage (which he accused me of cheating and aborting, which was NOT the case) and a year later and we had another on the way and got married. I promised I would never speak to anyone I had a relationship with in the past.
Fast forward to now. We just had our 2nd baby together (if ur keeping track that's 3 kids total) and I still feel like my past relationships are haunting me. I kept my end of the deal. I don't have close relationships with any male. But every now and again DH will make a comment in jest (say my "number" is higher than i told him) or ask about old contacts and names in my phone. First those contacts in my phone were old work contacts. One name he found, in an email he drafted to me of names to ask about, was the guy my friend tried to set me up with but I never met in person. Second, am I overreacting? Is it normal that these questions pop up? Should I have no problem rehashing any relationship work, friend or other? Btw when this conversations come up, I end up getting really angry, so he said he doesn't feel like I'm letting him express his feelings and he doesn't have anyone to talk to. So now he txts me when he has a question.

Ana4 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:32 AM
Member
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,180
Re: stuck in the past

You both need marriage counseling. Then he'll have someone to talk to.

Sounds like there's a lot of resentment on both your sides. The fact you mention that your relationship started with a lot of "on/off again" and contention is not a good indicator for a healthy long-term relationship.

Your concerns are valid, however they are coming from a place where you feel that you have made a sacrifice by giving up your male friends and becoming somewhat of a hermit. You should never feel resentful of choices you make for the sake of a relationship. There are differing opinions on this board as to whether you can have same sex friends. Personally, I feel that men and women are incapable of being friends. I used to have many guy friends during my first marriage and it created a huge issue that I was unaware of (and rather blind to). Now, I have no male friends other than the occasional male acquaintance I happen to work with on client engagements. The work is short term and I don't associate with them outside of the engagement.

Maybe he never quite developed the full trust in you. That could either be because he knew you were hesitant to give up your male friends (i.e. resentful) OR he is inordinately jealous and needs to work on forgiving you and moving on.

Again, marriage counseling (MC) will help to address all of this.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:51 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: stuck in the past

He obviously doesn't trust you and doesn't believe the answers you give him to his persistent questions.

The issue could be with him- he doesn't trust anyone due to his childhood experience or prior relationship issues or whatever.. and/or he doesn't trust you because of your off and on relationship with him especially including that when you were "off" with him you were "on" with one or more guys. From the way you describe it there was a LOT of bouncing around between you and other guys when the two of you weren't doing so well. How about him, was he with other women when you were having those difficult times?

Either way there's a lack of trust on his part and resentment of that lack of trust is building on your part. It's sort of like that boulder that's slowly rolling down the hill, gaining speed as it's headed towards an object that it's going to totally annihilate, and that object in this case is your marriage.

I hate to be the one that says 'we can't help you, get marriage counseling' but the truth is there's probably nothing you can say or do that's going to change this situation without a neutral third party in the form of a trained, competent and caring therapist who can give you the tools you need to try to rebuild this broken trust.
browser is offline  
 
post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 11:26 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 147
Re: stuck in the past

I'd tell him that you've honored your commitment and have been faithful to him since you guys decided to become exclusive. From now on, if he brings up your past dating/sex history, you will not engage with him. If he continues to have angry outbursts, you'll enroll him in anger management as a condition for staying married to you.

Seriously, he sounds like he's treating you like you were some promiscuous ****, and that's totally unacceptable.
Jessica38 is online now  
post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:29 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Mid-South
Posts: 744
Re: stuck in the past

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ana4 View Post
Is it ok for me to be angry that my DH is still hung up about my past relationships/friendships?
I guess I should give a little more backstory. I've been married for 4 yrs, but we met over 6 years ago. We're on and off again during that time. The most turbulent was a couple years before we got married. I had a lot of guy friends and my best gf was fixing me up w a guy stationed overseas. It was a confusing time because I was a single mom, and divorced and unsure what love was. My now DH was unclear with his intentions and we had yet to define our relationship. Needless to say we argued a lot until I realized the reason was because I wanted a stable set relationship with someone, and want to find The one and he ended up being it. Dropped all the guy friends, dropped all the unhealthy friendships, one miscarriage (which he accused me of cheating and aborting, which was NOT the case) and a year later and we had another on the way and got married. I promised I would never speak to anyone I had a relationship with in the past.
To answer your question .. No, it's not OK. If he hadn't made his intentions clear or defined the relationship then he doesn't get to question what you did at the time.

Did he expect you to just sit and wait from the second you met while he considered his options and intentions?

Accusing someone of cheating and aborting a baby when they've just had a miscarriage is pretty damn selfish and heartless.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ana4 View Post
Fast forward to now. We just had our 2nd baby together (if ur keeping track that's 3 kids total) and I still feel like my past relationships are haunting me. I kept my end of the deal. I don't have close relationships with any male. But every now and again DH will make a comment in jest (say my "number" is higher than i told him) or ask about old contacts and names in my phone. First those contacts in my phone were old work contacts. One name he found, in an email he drafted to me of names to ask about, was the guy my friend tried to set me up with but I never met in person. Second, am I overreacting? Is it normal that these questions pop up? Should I have no problem rehashing any relationship work, friend or other? Btw when this conversations come up, I end up getting really angry, so he said he doesn't feel like I'm letting him express his feelings and he doesn't have anyone to talk to. So now he txts me when he has a question.
You are not overreacting and those questions shouldn't keep popping up. Your past is your past, it's what you do together that counts.
WonkyNinja is offline  
post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:38 PM
Member
 
Vinnydee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Posts: 433
Re: stuck in the past

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
You both need marriage counseling. Then he'll have someone to talk to.

Sounds like there's a lot of resentment on both your sides. The fact you mention that your relationship started with a lot of "on/off again" and contention is not a good indicator for a healthy long-term relationship.

Your concerns are valid, however they are coming from a place where you feel that you have made a sacrifice by giving up your male friends and becoming somewhat of a hermit. You should never feel resentful of choices you make for the sake of a relationship. There are differing opinions on this board as to whether you can have same sex friends. Personally, I feel that men and women are incapable of being friends. I used to have many guy friends during my first marriage and it created a huge issue that I was unaware of (and rather blind to). Now, I have no male friends other than the occasional male acquaintance I happen to work with on client engagements. The work is short term and I don't associate with them outside of the engagement.

Maybe he never quite developed the full trust in you. That could either be because he knew you were hesitant to give up your male friends (i.e. resentful) OR he is inordinately jealous and needs to work on forgiving you and moving on.

Again, marriage counseling (MC) will help to address all of this.
I agree about men and women cannot be friends. I view women as potential mates as I am genetically programmed to do. I can like them as people but will never hang out with women like I do with male friends. As far as trust goes, I think that a healthy dose of mistrust is a good thing. The two times I fully trusted a fiancee and girlfriend, they cheated because I was too trusting and was OK with them having male friends at work or hanging out with girlfriends who had boyfriends, etc.. This is the main reason why I do not believe in monogamy. I have been in an ethical non monogamous marriage for most of the 44 years we are married.

I have seen a lot in my life. Wives of friends offering me oral sex or touching me inappropriately. Married women who have been cheating on their husband for most of their marriage. A friend who was cheating from the time his wife was just a girlfriend through engagement and finally marriage. Every boss that I had, male of female, was cheating on their spouses including my current one which I found out about and now have job security as a result.

I travelled a lot of business and a lot of other business men I met at hotel bars, conferences, etc., found this to be an easy and safe way to cheat. My best friend let his wife hang with her group of male and female friends and guess what happened, she had an affair with one of the males and divorced him. When the guy dumped her, she went back to her husband who, lets say to be kind, was not the type of guy that attracts women.

We all get attracted to others. The only thing that prevents us from rutting in the street like dogs is our moral code. Most think their code is the correct moral code and judge others by it. You can still be a good person, but have a different moral code. Given free reign, a spouse can more easily cheat. Moral code or not, when emotions come into play humans tend to make made decisions. A watchful eye can re-enforce your spouses moral code. I was too trusting, and that never worked out for me, sexually or professionally. I am not talking about being suspicious of every little thing, but a healthy dose of mistrust that does not cause problems, and does not allow you to believe 100% can keep a trustful mate, trustful.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 03-14-2017 at 09:21 PM.
Vinnydee is offline  
post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:29 AM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 21
Re: stuck in the past

Trust is a two way street and must be so. It sounds to me like he's pointing out all of your issues to keep you away from finding his. I can't believe I'm saying this but is there any chance he has a guilty conscience over an affair he recently had or is currently having? When you keep the light pointed in one direction it's usually because you don't want it to shine on something in the dark
GPC2012 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How to trust again and get past his affair BetrayedWifey Coping with Infidelity 23 10-19-2016 04:57 PM
Feeling stuck Curtis Madden General Relationship Discussion 17 10-06-2016 09:46 AM
Wife cannot overcome my past relationship shadishuda Self-Help Marriage & Relationship Programs 19 08-28-2016 08:31 AM
I need help getting my wife to move past my cheating kylo Coping with Infidelity 32 01-12-2016 04:18 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome