The Non-Communicator - Page 2
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Old 12-28-2011, 07:07 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Non-Communicator

When you figure out the secret to this let me know because husband is like this too and it drives me bat poo coo coo.

I'm a talker, he's not.
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Old 12-28-2011, 09:22 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by DailyGrind View Post


My wife is this way. I used to think she was cool, cause it seemed nothing bothered her. But, now...I realize she just internalizes everything. She never wanted to talk about issues. Did the same thing the OP describes...sits there, looking down at the floor...never saying a word. I would always wind up walking away in dismay. I'm the complete opposite....I NEED to discuss things. If you don't nip this in the bud.....you will wind up where I am now. I agree with the idea of trying to write letters. Hopefully he will respond. Good luck! MC is also a VERY good idea.
Yes, that is me-- I NEED to discuss things!!
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Old 12-29-2011, 06:14 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Same here, and I tried to explain to him that ignoring the problem and acting like it never happened does not make it go away. They don't understand that if you don't address the problem it just comes back, and usually worse each time.

So true,
I'm joining the club of the non communicator's wives with no advise to give...
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Old 12-29-2011, 07:11 AM   #19 (permalink)
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So true,
I'm joining the club of the non communicator's wives with no advise to give...
HEY!! It's not just wives. I'm the H....my W is the non communicator.
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Old 12-29-2011, 09:01 AM   #20 (permalink)
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I'm joining the club of the non communicator's wives with no advise to give...
That's ok I don't have that much advice either, all I can do is relate my experience with it, which may not necessarily be the right way to handle it haha Different things work for different people.
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Old 12-29-2011, 09:06 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Me too..Except my H has taken his avoidance to an all new level. We've gone through a lot in the last year..so now when an argument or even discussion starts about something not happy he goes for a walk. It doesn't matter that its 12am and it's 15 degrees out. It doesn't matter if he has been drinking or sick. And he's not walking around the block-He goes really far on our unlighted bike trail which is next to a river. I have expressed my concern for his safety over and over again but alas his need to get away from the confrontation outweighs common sense

H just told me a couple weeks ago that not only he won't talk to me about his feelings, our problems, ect H now does not want me to talk to him all the time about my problems b/c I am so negative and bring him down. Why are we married?

When we were friends and then dating we talked for hours about anything and everything. I don't think we'll get that back ever
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Old 12-29-2011, 09:19 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Well...talk about avoidance...here's the letter I left for my wife yesterday morning: My Last Attempt Letter

I know she read it. She came home, last night....ate the meal I made, sat on the sofa with the girls...then went to bed. Spoke to me a half dozen times about kids stuff. NEVER said a word about the letter. She avoids ANYTHING about the relationship, issues, feelings, wants/needs, etc. I've been dealing with this the entire marriage. Wish I'd found a solution to it years ago....we might be happy right now. Instead....I have to look waaaaaay up....just to see Hell.
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Old 12-29-2011, 09:29 AM   #23 (permalink)
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H just told me a couple weeks ago that not only he won't talk to me about his feelings, our problems, ect H now does not want me to talk to him all the time about my problems b/c I am so negative and bring him down. Why are we married?

When we were friends and then dating we talked for hours about anything and everything. I don't think we'll get that back ever
Because when you were friends and just dating there were no real big life problems for you guys to face together. If there was a problem it was something light. When the relationship grows and turns into a lifelong commitment with finances and kids and work thrown in the mix it gets too complicated. They believe that by sweeping it under the rug it's gone, and since they can do that and forget about it, why can't we? That's how they work, but it's frustrating that they can't see that is not how we work. I have told my H that I will meet him halfway with the communication thing if he will meet me, but he didn't want to do it, it's like it's their way or no way (He has since changed and now he does try to meet me halfway and our relationship is growing so much).
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Old 12-29-2011, 09:30 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Well...talk about avoidance...here's the letter I left for my wife yesterday morning: My Last Attempt Letter

I know she read it. She came home, last night....ate the meal I made, sat on the sofa with the girls...then went to bed. Spoke to me a half dozen times about kids stuff. NEVER said a word about the letter. She avoids ANYTHING about the relationship, issues, feelings, wants/needs, etc. I've been dealing with this the entire marriage. Wish I'd found a solution to it years ago....we might be happy right now. Instead....I have to look waaaaaay up....just to see Hell.
I think it's awesome that you wrote that to her, just a shame that she can't see what she has and what she will be losing. But sometimes it takes action for them to see how serious you are and evaluate how life will be without you...
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Old 12-29-2011, 09:57 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Non-Communicator

I have a non-communicative hubby as well.

I give up. Can't be bothered wasting my time and energy on him.

We pretty much communicate via e-mail. If my questions didn't piss him off, I'll get a reply. If something put him on the defensive or it was something he didn't care to discuss - I won't get an answer.

I NEVER know his plans, and quite frankly, don't care now.

We live as friends - "domestic partnership". Separate rooms, separate money, basically separate lives - now ... if he'd just leave, all would be wonderful.
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Old 12-29-2011, 10:00 AM   #26 (permalink)
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I have a non-communicative hubby as well.

I give up. Can't be bothered wasting my time and energy on him.

We pretty much communicate via e-mail. If my questions didn't piss him off, I'll get a reply. If something put him on the defensive or it was something he didn't care to discuss - I won't get an answer.

I NEVER know his plans, and quite frankly, don't care now.

We live as friends - "domestic partnership". Separate rooms, separate money, basically separate lives - now ... if he'd just leave, all would be wonderful.
Wouldn't you love to get in their heads and see what makes them think this way? I can't imagine that they are truly happy inside with how things are either.....
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Old 12-29-2011, 11:04 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Not a way I would want to live.

I need to communicate.
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Old 12-29-2011, 11:30 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Oh I do too, just sometimes I wonder what truly makes them tick? How are they justifying with themselves that this is the way to handle the situations, when years of research and studies prove otherwise?..Just curious
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Old 12-29-2011, 11:44 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Bella Boo

As a guy, I want to give you my opinion on your non communicator.

I am the type of guy who can talk to anyone anytime 24/7. However, when I am mad I clam up and sometimes it takes me a couple days to settle down. I clam up because I do not want to say something to my wife I will regret. It is the heat of the momment type of thing.

On the flip side. If my wife is mad and looses her cool with me I also clam up. Knowing I may say something to piss her off more. I let her cool down for a day sometimes two and approach me.

At this point she will say. "if I do not start talking we will never talk" Then I start talking.

My point is: If it takes your husband a couple days to come around and start talking so what. These two extra days gives you a chance to think things through.

Look at the big picture. Is your husband abusive, does he help you around the house, is he a good dad.

Sometimes we take these little quirks our spouses have and we magnify them into huge problems. I am just as quilty.
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Old 12-29-2011, 11:47 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Bella Boo
My point is: If it takes your husband a couple days to come around and start talking so what. These two extra days gives you a chance to think things through.

Look at the big picture. Is your husband abusive, does he help you around the house, is he a good dad.

Sometimes we take these little quirks our spouses have and we magnify them into huge problems. I am just as quilty.
I think her point is, is that he never gets around to talking about it....he takes that cool down period and then doesn't want to bring that situation back up to talk about it, so it goes unresolved...
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