Why did you marry your husband? How long did you date before you were married? Did you marry young?
Here is my suggestion. Everything you do in life is a choice. You can choice to be happy or sad. Make a decision to be happy and give your marriage 100%.
Ingnore your husbands negitives and focus on the positives. He must have some positive characteristics. You should also take an iventory of yourself. Remember everthing in life is a choice. If you are walking around negitive 24/7 no one will want to talk to you.
Instead of asking him to talk to you like a chatty girl ask him a fairly simple and direct question as an opener. You're complaining he doesn't communicate but what you mean is he doesn't communicate like YOU.
Instead of asking him to talk to you like a chatty girl ask him a fairly simple and direct question as an opener. You're complaining he doesn't communicate but what you mean is he doesn't communicate like YOU.
I've tried many different ways, as I know he isn't a "chatty" person like myself. I've tried asking open ended questions, the just yes or no questions, the "ask a question and don't say anything else till you get some type of answer" method, etc.
In the book "Boundaries in Marriage", Drs Cloud and Townsend state the the ability to share personal feelings with a partner is a maturity characteristic required to be able to enter an intimate relationship as an adult.
I infer from their work that the lack of ability to communicate is an immaturity on the same level as (dis)honesty of (ir)responsibility since these characteristics are also on the list. I also infer that a relationship in which one partner can/does not act in a mature fashion will always be unbalanced. This may be OK for some couples but it can create serious conflict when the partners intellectually consider themselves equals but behave unequally on the emotional maturity level.
I have this problem with my wife and it is probably the biggest thing working against us right now. I don't even want to get into how much trouble it has caused. However, for my part, I have doubled my efforts and communicate much more clearly and frequently despite the complete lack of response. Sometimes I point out that saying nothing in a situation where one needs to make their feelings known can lead to the other person assuming the worst but that still doesn't get her to speak.
I've tried many different ways, as I know he isn't a "chatty" person like myself. I've tried asking open ended questions, the just yes or no questions, the "ask a question and don't say anything else till you get some type of answer" method, etc.
nope. no open ended questions - only direct questions.
I'm not a chatty person. More of the strong silient type, but if someone talks about a VACI (Vital Active Consuming Interest) I'll go rambling on. I dislike the "20 questions" type of convo style, and detest being consistantly interupted.
My husband is the same way. It's like talking to a stone wall. I get nothing, no expression, no comment, just nothing.
This isn't the only problem, but this is the one that's infuriating. If he does say anything it's "I don't know".
Me, I'm very open, I know how I feel and why. I just hate not being able to address any problem because he will not speak or open up. He's the same way with all his family members. Sadly, he kept it under wraps while dating, but right after the wedding, it stopped.
We were separated for 2 years and got back together a year ago, but nothing has changed. It's actually worse. I'm not putting up with it much longer. But like I said, this isn't our only issue, but it's hard working on the others if there is no communication at all. He'd prefer to have everything swept under the rug and go on as if nothing is wrong.
My husband and I have a real problem communicating at times because he prefers to avoid confrontation at all cost. We recently went through a really rough time and had no choice but to do a lot of talking, and I think he finally sees that I see "avoiding confrontation" as not caring enough to work on our issues. It had to get pretty bad for him to see that though.
I had to look and see if I wrote this, as this is us! We are working hard on it though. I was feeling bad the other night, (too long of a story) and in an effort to communicate better, I just talked about what was bothering me, and my h said, I feel like you are attacking me, well I told him that I had to be able to tell him what was wrong, and that I was in no way attacking. He said he needs to start seeing it that way, instead of getting instantly defensive. A never ending battle is what it is~
That can come across bad to the recipient even if you said it normally...if you don't mind what you guys have for dinner and he suggests something, just try maybe saying sure that sounds good....or something along those lines. I'm just saying because if my H would ask me the same question or vice versa and that was the response from either one of us, I think we may take it wrong too....
"I don't care," can be synonymous with, "Leave me alone. Go away. I don't want to talk to you." DEPENDING on how it was delivered. If my wife looked me in the eye, thought for a moment, and said, 'I don't care, you decide," then no problem. If she said it with disinterest, I wouldn't take it as well. It's a matter of paying attention as much as anything else.
Are you sure you said it with normal affect? I can always tell when my wife is angry/upset even though she swears no one can tell. Drives her nuts. Her sister will walk in to the room and say to her, "What's wrong?" and she'll get angry and insist that everything is fine. But it just comes through her face, her body language, and her tone. Then later on you find out that she is angry/upset about something. She doesn't realize how much it affects her. She has four siblings who always debate whether they should give her bad family news because of how she takes it. Her reactions always seem to include some form of denial.
I had to look and see if I wrote this, as this is us! We are working hard on it though. I was feeling bad the other night, (too long of a story) and in an effort to communicate better, I just talked about what was bothering me, and my h said, I feel like you are attacking me, well I told him that I had to be able to tell him what was wrong, and that I was in no way attacking. He said he needs to start seeing it that way, instead of getting instantly defensive. A never ending battle is what it is~
Are you using any specific verbal techniques to help avoid his feelings of being attacked? I have this problem myself when my wife tells me what a terrible person I am
I'm so glad I came across this. I avoid confrontation because of the reaction I get. I've been anxious for days because I want to tell my H that I'm seeing a therapist because I'm going crazy pretending all is ok. It's been years like this and the reaction i get is crying, vomiting, passive agressiveness and anger. By the end of it I'M the one apologizing!!!
Ive been looking all over for a boost to stop being scared to say how I feel.
He knows I have a hard time bringing it up and I know he NEVER will soooo....dooooomed.
Are you using any specific verbal techniques to help avoid his feelings of being attacked? I have this problem myself when my wife tells me what a terrible person I am
I am trying to say, "I" not you. I feel this way, or this makes me feel this way, how do you feel. For him to even say he is feeling attacked was a GOOD thing, he is finally telling me his feelings. If I dont know what is going on in his mind, I cant fix it. Now that I know he interperts it that way, I will be much more careful to make him not feel that way.
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Re: The Non-Communicator 
