The Non-Communicator - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-28-2011, 03:11 PM Thread Starter
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The Non-Communicator

How do you communicate with a non-communicator? At times when there are issues, I want to talk through it, but my husband refuses to speak. He just sits there and listens but will not say a word, which infuriates me more. I've begged and pleaded with him to just speak and communicate, but he is just the type who is not a talker, and especially does not like to talk about his feelings. It does seem that when there is an issue or I am mad, he prefers that I just leave him alone for a day or two. I really hate doing that, but sometimes it's the only way to get past an issue or argument.
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post #2 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-28-2011, 03:13 PM
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Re: The Non-Communicator

I have asked Hubs to write it out.

We have had some of the best conversations while working in the yard together.

Sometimes I tell him what's on my mind and that I'd like to talk about it later. That gives him time to think about what he feels. It seems to help.


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They want vodka and Taco Bell.
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post #3 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-28-2011, 03:19 PM
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Re: The Non-Communicator

In my case I found that he seemed to talk more and open up the more I acted like I didn't care and didn't want to talk...Not saying it will work in your case, but you could give it a shot. I didn't make it a show of "I don't care" either, I just said Ok, or something like that, and walked away, of course after a certain point I really didn't care anymore so there was no acting involved. Point of the story, he talks more now than he used to....
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post #4 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-28-2011, 03:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Non-Communicator

Thank you both for the tips. I am new to this site and I think it is going to be very helpful. And GreenEyes, I have kind of noticed that when I act like I don't care and don't want to talk, he does open up more. It's like the more I push to talk, the more he ignores me.
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post #5 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-28-2011, 03:25 PM
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Re: The Non-Communicator

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Originally Posted by Bella_Boo View Post
Thank you both for the tips. I am new to this site and I think it is going to be very helpful. And GreenEyes, I have kind of noticed that when I act like I don't care and don't want to talk, he does open up more. It's like the more I push to talk, the more he ignores me.
Yup sounds like your H and mine are the same type of person. It's like they don't want to be told what they should do, and I think to an extent it makes them feel more secure when they leave us hanging with something they see we are wanting so badly.
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post #6 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-28-2011, 03:25 PM
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Re: The Non-Communicator

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Originally Posted by Bella_Boo View Post
How do you communicate with a non-communicator? At times when there are issues, I want to talk through it, but my husband refuses to speak. He just sits there and listens but will not say a word, which infuriates me more. I've begged and pleaded with him to just speak and communicate, but he is just the type who is not a talker, and especially does not like to talk about his feelings. It does seem that when there is an issue or I am mad, he prefers that I just leave him alone for a day or two. I really hate doing that, but sometimes it's the only way to get past an issue or argument.
A 2x4 might do the trick.

sometime I clam up if I've already told her many times and she just dosn't hear it she will do something that she thinks will help but not the thing i told her would help.

my wife like to do things for me when I'm angey at her. like look I cut the grass for ya. or hey I got you a case of beer, or I raked the leaves. none of that stuff I asked her to do and most times its not up to snuff. but if I said listen baby I love you with all my heart but cutting the grass for me is not an apology and besides you just break the tractor everytime you use it. so I'd rather you just keep the f of it.

that would go over like a lead balloon so i say nothing.

so maybe he has comunicated with you and you refuse to hear it.so now hes in shut down mode...whats the use you will just keep doing what you think is going to fix the problem.
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post #7 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-28-2011, 03:40 PM
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Re: The Non-Communicator

My husband and I have a real problem communicating at times because he prefers to avoid confrontation at all cost. We recently went through a really rough time and had no choice but to do a lot of talking, and I think he finally sees that I see "avoiding confrontation" as not caring enough to work on our issues. It had to get pretty bad for him to see that though.
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post #8 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-28-2011, 04:00 PM
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Re: The Non-Communicator

Is this a new issue with your husband or is it old?

What does he say when you tell him how this makes you feel?

I was married to a master sulker so this issue hits very close to me. I don't envy you
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post #9 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-28-2011, 04:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Non-Communicator

It's always been this way. There are rare occassions when he will communicate. When I tell him how it makes me feel, he just says that I need to leave it alone and give us each time to cool down rather than me wanting to talk about things immediately. However, after a cool down period, he wants to just act like nothing happened rather than discuss the issue. Also, when he does talk, he's always just very defensive.
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post #10 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-28-2011, 04:27 PM
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Re: The Non-Communicator

Marriage counselling?

If you guys don't find a way to work through this, you will start building resentment. Then after resentment goes a loss of respect and then the major problems start.
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post #11 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-28-2011, 04:53 PM
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Re: The Non-Communicator

If I give my husband wine, he will talk my ear off LOL!


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They want vodka and Taco Bell.
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post #12 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-28-2011, 05:42 PM
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Re: The Non-Communicator

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Originally Posted by Bella_Boo View Post
It's always been this way. There are rare occassions when he will communicate. When I tell him how it makes me feel, he just says that I need to leave it alone and give us each time to cool down rather than me wanting to talk about things immediately. However, after a cool down period, he wants to just act like nothing happened rather than discuss the issue. Also, when he does talk, he's always just very defensive.
Same here, and I tried to explain to him that ignoring the problem and acting like it never happened does not make it go away. They don't understand that if you don't address the problem it just comes back, and usually worse each time. Since I haven't been pushing my husband to talk to me, and we have talked more often when there is a problem, the problems are becoming less and less, gee could we have been right all along??? haha
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post #13 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-28-2011, 06:27 PM
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Re: The Non-Communicator

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Marriage counselling?

If you guys don't find a way to work through this, you will start building resentment. Then after resentment goes a loss of respect and then the major problems start.


My wife is this way. I used to think she was cool, cause it seemed nothing bothered her. But, now...I realize she just internalizes everything. She never wanted to talk about issues. Did the same thing the OP describes...sits there, looking down at the floor...never saying a word. I would always wind up walking away in dismay. I'm the complete opposite....I NEED to discuss things. If you don't nip this in the bud.....you will wind up where I am now. I agree with the idea of trying to write letters. Hopefully he will respond. Good luck! MC is also a VERY good idea.
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post #14 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-28-2011, 06:41 PM
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Re: The Non-Communicator

This is an issue I have no answer to.

I`m living it myself.
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post #15 of 65 (permalink) Old 12-28-2011, 06:43 PM
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Re: The Non-Communicator

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Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
Marriage counselling?

If you guys don't find a way to work through this, you will start building resentment. Then after resentment goes a loss of respect and then the major problems start.
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