does. But why does he do this? How can he go from the constant yelling to the most loving husband anyone has met ?
Sounds like he has some mood disorder going on. Not fun and nothing you want to be around. No one wants to be around or deal with a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
they gave me a info sheet on shelters I can go to, and told me they can wait at the house for me to get a few things so that I could leave. They said since we are married everything in the house is considered joint property. So they can arrest anyone or remove anyone over an arguement. They told me I could go and try and get a restrianing order but because there is no proof of domestic violence and It would be waste of time. They treated me like I was a child crying over a broke toy. The police here are useless. They don't take it seriously at all until someone dies then they just point fingers across the board to try and blame there lack of response on some one else. ( thats just my little rant.)
Not sure how it is in your state, but if the house is only in your name, by law he has no ties to that house. So if you talk with a lawyer, tell them how he has been acting/tearing up the house etc, by law he would need to leave. It can be court ordered. If he doesn't leave on his own he can be removed.
You originally said the police said there is nothing they can do because he was tearing up his stuff , thats BS, if its your house in your name only, yes they can. It might be his stuff he is tearing up, but he is on your property in your home, not his.
Best thing to do is consult a lawyer. Once you tell them your situation they can tell you what you can and can not do. IF your husbands name is NOT on the mortgage, then yes he would need to be the one to leave.
He does this because he probably has a personality disorder of some type (these are VERY tough to treat/change) and he is doing what is called "hoovering". He acts nice to you to suck you back in so that he can continue to use and manipulate you. He knows it has worked in the past.
It is hard to imagine that some people are so calculated and cold, especially when you yourself are not like this, but it is true. He has shown you that he can't be trusted.
It is good news that the house is in your name. It is also good news that you recognize that he's an abusive user. He is probably being sweet because he can sense that you are starting to pull away and he wants his meal ticket to stay put.
Confide in a trusted girlfriend and tell her that you don't want to hear "told you so", you just want non-judgemental support no matter what you decide to do. Having healthy girlfriends around you to care about you is SO important.
So get to a lawyer ASAP. If you can get him to leave for 3 weeks, do that and then change the locks to your house, box up his **** and leave it on the porch. And serve him divorce papers when he gets back. He has NO claim to your house if you owned it before you married and it's in your name (in most states, check with a lawyer first in yours).
The best thing is to go NC with him. The less contact you have with him, the easier it will be to walk away from this abuser.
I would also suggest seeing a therapist because you need to learn how to love yourself more. When you love yourself, you don't allow other people to treat you poorly, which is what has happened in your marriage. You deserve WAY more. Of that, I am 100% certain.
Just saw this online about community property states:
Not all property the couple owns is considered marital property and is divided equally in a community property state. Anything that a person owned before the marriage is excluded from marital property.
This is a list of community property states:
•Arizona
•California
•Idaho
•Louisiana
•Nevada
•New Mexico
•Texas
•Washington
•Wisconsin
So even if you live in one of these states, your house is not considered community property since you had it before the marriage. You get to keep it free and clear.
The trick is that it isn't the job of the police to decide what belongs to whom. They only decide if a crime has taken place and unfortunately, division of property is the job of the courts. After the possessions have been divided up, if your husband comes and busts stuff up, only then can the police really do something. Otherwise, there really isn't a way for the cops to tell what in a house belongs to who and when they bought it, especially when they're married and common residency in the home is established.
That's why filing for divorce is the key. In the initial filing you can likely have him removed based on your sole ownership and if he returns, destroys property, etc., it becomes a crime.
CelesteM, why don't you want to say, "YOU ARE USING ME?" He needs to know that you're feeling used and why. I've been married for 2 years and the 1st year my husband didn't work either. He claimed to have been looking for a job, but when I'd return home from work he'd be sitting on the couch playing the playstation. I eventually grew to resent him, stressed that I felt used, and wasn't going to tolerate it any longer. He eventually found a job, but it didn't pay much at all. However I was happy that he was at least working.
Our problems didn't end there. Eventually things became violent. He'd throw things, take my car keys and leave, get into my face and yell, etc. I'd call the police and they'd basically say the same thing that they told you. It got to the point that he became arrogant and would say and do whatever he felt because he knew there wasn't anything that I could do about it. I'm still with him today and going through the same stuff. It's so ridiculous because if I pack up and leave, I'd be charged with abandonment and he could take everything from me. On the other hand, I can't make him leave and he won't go. It's so sickening when you can't really afford a lawyer and the cops won't do anything to help.
I'm paying for everything (ALL OF THE BILLS). Everything in our home was purchased on my dime. However, the one thing that I did do right was keep our accounts separate. He has no clue of what goes in and out of my account (and vice versa). However, why should he care as long as the bills are paid and he gets to sleep and eat for free? Well, let me clarify that he does give me some money, but that money doesn't accommodate a single bill. Yet he walks around like he's paying for everything and is really holding the family down. PUH-LEASE!!!
I'm still dealing with this today. The last major episode was over the Christmas holiday. He snapped because I was having a conversation with my sister about a possible abusive relationship that she's in. I suppose the conversation hit too close to home and he went crazy. I had enough of this. I'm too miserable, lonely, and in debt to continue living with someone who is of no value added to my life.
I'm leaving in April when our lease is up on our place. As long as I leave with the intent to separate, he has no rights to me. However if I move and allow him to come stay with me, I lose all rights to that place and he has the right to do whatever he wants.
CelesteM, you need a plan. You said you're not afraid of him so that's a good thing. I don't think you need to focus on trying to get him to understand why you're leaving. Right now, he's too arrogant and probably don't believe you'd even go (like my husband has convinced himself). So the first step is to show him that you're not kidding by leaving. Then once he sees that this isn't a joke, then he'd probably be willing to listen to why you left. If you feel like the marriage can be salvaged then go from there. However, if not then I don't think he deserves to hear you repeat why you're gone. He knows why you're gone. I refuse to believe that these guys are completely oblivious to how they're treating us. C'mon. He knows he never makes you feel loved and or appreciated. He must know, so why should you have the decency to explain these unfortunate facts to him if he never had the decency to acknowledge them to begin with?
Get a plan girl, learn your worth, and accept nothing but the best.
they gave me a info sheet on shelters I can go to, and told me they can wait at the house for me to get a few things so that I could leave. They said since we are married everything in the house is considered joint property. So they can arrest anyone or remove anyone over an arguement. They told me I could go and try and get a restrianing order but because there is no proof of domestic violence and It would be waste of time. They treated me like I was a child crying over a broke toy. The police here are useless. They don't take it seriously at all until someone dies then they just point fingers across the board to try and blame there lack of response on some one else. ( thats just my little rant.)
Did the police make a report when he destroyed the property in the home? If there is a report, pictures, anything, it is worth it to try and get an order ASAP.
I KNOW how you feel! I called the cops on my H for damaging my car, kicking it, throwing things at it, throwing my cats out, punching holes in walls, breaking things.... The cops tell you it's joint property, blah blah blah. Go to the courthouse now. You tell the judge everything you told us, let you H defend himself to a judge. And while a RO will not protect you in the event he disregards the law anyway, it will get him thrown in jail for ANY violation of said RO.
If he is using you for a free ride, he will move on if faced with this.... It's too much of a hassle for guys like this. Once their game is revealed, they don't have much of a reason to stay
This is really sad. What happen to the men that are growing up now?
When a man has no honor or morals left he is nothing. Some men might chime in here and say the wife do the samething but I beleive it is the man that should provide for the family in any way possible.
Re: Husband is Using me. How do I end this. 
